Not Another Broken Doll

Chapter 13

“Okay, so the plan is clear. We contact the lawyers first, then inspector Salas” Ingrid read the list of the action plan they had put together. “Are you sure you are ready to go tomorrow?”

“Yes. I need to see for myself that he is trapped like the beast he is” Ruth said. She felt victorious, but at the same time she had a bad feeling at the back of her neck. She had not seen him in almost a year now. “Also, if I fly in now, I’ll be back for the concert, and that would make you happy as I’m doing my best to keep my life together as a normal human being.”

“Don’t be like that” Ingrid said seriously from behind her laptop screen. She looked tired and worried. “Does he know what is going on?”

“No. He doesn’t need to” Ruth said. “Maybe one day?” She asked upon seeing Ingrid’s face.

“It’s your story to tell. OK, your flight is tomorrow at 6pm. You better go and get some clothes packed.”

6pm have her plenty of time to talk to Hannah and arrange cover for work, and she felt like she owed Chris an explanation. She could sort all that the following day. It was only a short flight, she would be back by Friday morning anyway. She had been waiting for this for too long. She found herself in the mirror again, and for the first time since arriving in Hamburg, she was ready.

Slowly she took her jumper and t-shirt off, and stood in front of the mirror looking at herself in her underwear. The tattoo artist had done a great job in her back and sides covering all the scars. Ingrid was right to make her do this before leaving Barcelona. The thorn branches and roses covering the scars in her abdomen worked in synchrony with the thunderstorm of her back, from which a phoenix rose, covering with its neck and beak the longest scar that finished on her left shoulder. She remembered how the tattoo artist treated her with care and spoke of her skin as the canvas of her life. She had said that everyone has the power to control their own story, and in doing this Ruth had chosen to tell a different story to the one everyone else wanted her to believe.

She followed the almost imperceptible scar tissue under the thorns of her abdomen. She did not remember much of the time she was missing. She remembered his voice, and she remembered the smell of smoke. It wasn’t until she was found two days later that she learned that the smell was coming from her own skin. She clenched her fists and swore she was never going to be a victim again. She owed that to herself. And the world owed her just as much.

She barely slept that night. She played in her mind all the things she had to say to the man she once thought loved her. Her thoughts went from there to the beach with Christoff the day before. She knew she was unfair to him, and she wasn’t blind to the fact that he was struggling with her presence. If only she hadn’t been this broken, maybe she could give him the chance he was hoping to have. Then hatred took over and her thoughts wandered again towards the beast that had finally been trapped. It was all his fault. His own damn fault.

In the morning, she got to work earlier than ever before as she had to set all the cover work for the rest of the week, and she needed to do her hours early to be able to have lunch with Chris and then go to the airport with Alaistar. She had spoken to Hannah over the phone and she was glad to have something to do other than think about Marco and how he unconsciously broke her heart. Her boss was also informed of this emergency trip, and there was little he could say when she came to him with an international citation to a court case abroad. He wished her luck and disappeared into his own little office.

Lunchtime arrived later than usual, and she felt a whole in her chest. Over the last few weeks she had grown accustomed to look forward to this break, to have a chat with someone who would not only talk about linguistics and sound waves. She thought of Chris and of how she promised she’d see him again before going home. He had said she didn’t owe him any explanations, but still she felt like she did.

Ruth walked out into the open air and the rain greeted her biting cold. When she arrived at the café, she brought a whirlwind in with her. It was as if the autumn itself was pushing her to be there.

“Go on” Matthias said as a greeting, as he served his latest costumer “he’s on the back. He said to let you in”

Ruth had never been in the back of the shop before. She felt like she was going into somewhere private that only employees were allowed to go. She found Chris with his shirtsleeves up, focusing on some bread he was kneading. She noticed he had a tattoo on his left forearm, a beautiful forest growing from his wrist to his elbow, in different shades of black and grey. She knew he was letting steam off by working the dough methodically, as if it was homemade stress ball. She knocked on the frame of the door. He turned and saw her at the door.

“I didn’t think I’d see you today” he said, as he went back to his dough.

“I said I’d come” she said softly. “Is everything OK?” she asked. Chris took a tool and started dividing the dough into small buns. He didn’t respond right away. She waited, confused at the situation. “I like your tattoo. It is really pretty” she tried hopelessly to move the conversation forward.

“Thanks. Do you have any tattoos?” He asked, consciously agreeing to buy some time.

“I do” She said. “They’re well hidden, though.”

“This rat you have to hunt” he said after a moment of silence, as he continued to work “is that the rat who’s having you followed?” Chris asked, not hiding the fact that he was angry.

“It is” she said. “But he’s got caught now. I just need to make sure the cage is the appropriate one to keep him there.”

“How is that your job?” Chis asked as he put the bread in the oven.

“Excuse me?” Ruth was taken aback. He knew nothing.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t help to think that this is a bad idea, you going away so suddenly” he said as he started washing his hands under the tap.

“I must go. It is my responsibility to see this happening” Ruth said calmly. She had no right to be mad at Chris for caring. “I need to make sure of it. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“Then explain it to me, Ruth” he said in frustration. “Why does it have to be you and not the police who deal with this rat-person? Why is it you who has to drop everything and just go away with almost no time to organise yourself? How is that fair to you?”

Ruth took a step forward. She was dreading this conversation was bound to happen since Alaistar called the night before when they were sat in Chris’ car, but she didn’t think it was going to be that soon. She knew she didn’t owe him anything, but she understood why Chris needed to know. His arms were folded on his chest and he looked like he had barely seen his bed at all. She felt her own tiredness creep up through her chest. She was tired of not being herself. She took another step forward and reached for his hand, making him undo his crossing.

“All I can tell you right now is that this is something I need to do” she started speaking softly. “I understand you are worried, but you mustn’t be. Alaistar is going with me and he’ll be with me all the time. And no, it’s not fair I have to drop everything and fly away, but I will be back” She continued. “I promise, one day I’ll tell you the whole story, when I’m ready to tell you and you’re ready to hear it. But just for today, can we have a normal day, please?”

Chris looked at her hands holding his right one. He had not dealt well with the idea of Ruth having to go with a police officer to another country. He had been thinking about how strange the whole thing was, her being followed, this tobacco reeking cop, how she behaved around other people… All he could understand was that she was trying to hide in plain sight, and she had got away with it for some time. And still, he felt like it was up to him to keep her safe, even though she had not even granted him permission to be part of her life other than the guy she made a deal with. He had talked himself into not asking any of those questions, but when she was there he could not really control himself. He looked at her hands holding her right hand and he understood that she was making an effort at actually touching another human being. He had noticed how uncomfortable she was when he hugged her that day, and he had not tried to make contact since. He covered her hands with his left hand, and he noticed how big his were in comparison to hers.

“Will you be safe after this is over?” he asked, in a soft voice, and he regretted it instantly. He had asked that question to his own mother many times before.

“I don’t know” Ruth said, not moving her hands or trying to pull away. “But at least I will know that I’ll be done with rat-people for good.” She looked into his face and she could see genuine concern. He had told her about his mother and how that ended. She wouldn’t let that happen to her. “Now, can we eat something before Alaistar takes me home with him?”

“Ew, that did not sound the way you wanted it to” Chris said reluctantly letting go of her hands “the man must smoke his own weight every day.”

“Oh, I know that for a fact. He’s my godfather” Ruth said, giggling. That piece of information put Chris’ mind at rest. He thought how ridiculous it was that just knowing that someone who cared for her was there gave him, a borderline stranger, peace of mind.

They sat in the café at a table by the window and had some food. They chatted about all the things they had done in Lübeck the day before, and they talked about other places they could go when she was back. They saw Alaistar park up in front of the café, in the same exact spot Chris’s car had been the day before. He looked into the shop and waved at Ruth. She waved back and stood up, saying her goodbyes.

“Ruth” Chris called before she got to the door. She stopped and turned around. He went up to her and had to fight the urge to hold her hand again. “Call me if you need to talk. Or just, you know, call me?”

“Only if you call too” She said and turned away. Ruth left and got into Alaistar’s car with a smirk. Maybe she was running before she could walk, but she felt good for the first time in forever.