Nerdgasm (JenLisa)

Chapter 14

Lisa

I need to buy Hee-chul a gift basket or a drink or something because his advice was pure gold. I tried my best to remember what he said and follow his direction when I went down on Jennie for the first time, and judging from the way she's been initiating sexy time the past couple weeks, I'm honestly surprised he doesn't have an even larger herd of women following him around. I turned Iron Man red when he asked me how everything worked out the first time we saw each other post-Mission Orange, and the smug grin and wink he gave me in response just showed how confident he is in his own abilities.

If I've learned anything since then the past few weeks, it's to be confident in myself. Jennie and I still haven't had s*x yet, and I'm glad that we've been taking our time. Outside of the time we've spent on bases one through three, the connection we have has been building naturally. I truly love spending time with her, and I'm so grateful she doesn't try to force me to be anyone I'm not.

I think back to the last time I had a girlfriend, which was in high school, and the differences between my ex and Jennie are like comparing night and day. If my experiences over the years with bullies have taught me anything, it's to embrace who I am. The negative attention I've received because of my stutter has made me shy, but I've learned that being like everyone else isn't necessarily a good thing. Unlike my ex, Jennie accepts my Marvel-loving, sometimes stuttering, nerdy self just as I am. I'm a lucky one, and instead of being afraid of my growing feelings for her, I'm diving in with both feet.

"You ready, hot stuff?" Jennie bounds over and leaps into my arms, effectively breaking me out of my musings.

"Ready when you are." I spin her around before setting her down with a kiss to the top of her head. "Let's go."

We're heading to an indoor skating rink for one of our dates, and while I only really excel in a swimming pool, I thought it'd be fun to try this out together. It's a quick drive to the rink, and before I know it, we're both lacing up our skates and heading onto the ice.

"Now I know why you picked this as a date." Jennie squints at me as she looks at me, and I can't help but laugh at her funny facial expression. "I'm onto you, Lisa."

"Oh, really?"

"Yep, you chose ice skating because it's cold and we both suck at it, which means we need to bundle close together and basically be attached at the hip." As she says this, she wobbles and almost falls, her arms flailing around like a windmill.

She manages to grab my arm to keep steady, and once she finds her equilibrium, she continues. "Basically, you want to be close to me."

"If that were true, why bring you out in public? We could've just stayed in if you wanted to be close." I raise an eyebrow and waggle it suggestively, which causes her to burst out laughing.

"Oh, my God, I've turned you into such a perv." She slaps me on the chest playfully, and I chuckle at her words.

"You only have yourself to blame."

"Hey, I'm not complaining."

We smile at one another and continue to make our rounds around the rink, getting more competent on our skates each rotation we make. Time passes quickly as we challenge each other to skate backward or across the rink without hugging the wall, but we always end up back together, our arms linked. Warmth fills my chest to have her by my side.

"You're right, you know," I say, filling the peaceful silence we were enjoying.

Jennie glances up at me, and her nose and cheeks are flushed pink from the cold and exertion. "I'm always right," she jokes. "But really, what was I right about?"

"I do want to be close to you," I admit. "I a-always want to be c-close to you." I keep my voice low, but I know she heard the words clearly.

At the sound of my stutter, she grips my arm tighter and pulls me toward her so we both stop. We've spent enough time together that she knows my stutter only makes itself known during moments of intense, rioting emotion.

"I always want to be close to you too, Lisa." Jennie doesn't look nervous at all at her proclamation, and knowing she enjoys being around me as much as I enjoy being around her makes my stomach flutter. "News flash," she adds on. "I really like you."

"I r-really l-like you too, Jennie. A l-lot."

Her answering smile is bright enough to melt the ice around us, and she opens up her mouth to respond. Right before she speaks, another voice cuts in.

"Lisa the dork, is that you?"

A chill runs down my spine at the combination of that old moniker and the voice behind it. Jennie and I both look toward the person who interrupted us, and I feel like I've been placed in a time machine. Instead of being a college student who's overcome her stutter in most settings, I'm back in middle and high school. In front of me is June, a bully from my past and probably the most persistent in keeping the Lisa the dork campaign alive.

I do what I always did in school and ignore him. I try to move to skate away, but Jennie stays standing in the same spot.

"Her name is Lisa, asshole."

Oh, God. This isn't happening right now.

I look to June, and he appears to be momentarily stunned by Jennie's outburst. I can imagine why. All the years he bullied me, I ignored him. Others, like Rosé, followed my lead and didn't say anything when it happened, and bullies eventually left me alone because they got bored. June, however, doesn't seem to have changed. I feel bad for him, but I also feel anxiety at the triumphant gleam in his eyes. He's like a shark who's caught the scent of blood, and he's ready to feed after being hungry for a long, long time.

"It is you, Lisa the dork. I almost didn't recognize you, but I'd know that st-stutter anywhere." He starts to laugh, and it's then I notice his friends hanging back. To their credit, they look incredibly uncomfortable, but they also don't do anything to reign their friend in. "What, you still can't talk? You gonna hide behind your little girlfriend now? M-man up, Lisa!"

"C-come on, Jennie. L-let's get out of here." I reach for her hand since I don't want to dignify his words with a response.

Instead of taking my hand, she looks at me with shock and indignation. Before the words even leave her lips, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the fluttering I felt earlier effectively dead.

"You're just going to let this douche talk to you like that, Lisa?" Her voice rises in anger, and she turns to June, a look of disgust marring her pretty features. "How old are you? Twelve? Grow up."

Her words don't anger June, who just laughs. "I am all grown, babe. You're the one who's dating a k-k-kid."

Jennie starts to move toward him as she says, "You know what, you can go f—"

I halt her words and forward movement with my hand on her arm. "Jennie, p-please, let's just go."

My quiet plea must finally break through her cloud of rage because she huffs out a breath, flips June off, and moves with me toward the exit. We don't speak to each other as we turn in our skates and head to the car, and we don't hold hands either. The short drive to her place feels interminably long and fraught with tension. It's not until I've walked Jennie to her front door that the silence is finally broken.

"What was that back there, Lisa? Why'd you let that jackass walk all over you?" Her tone screams for justice, but her eyes are pleading for an explanation to help her understand.

A gusty sigh leaves me as I rub the bridge of my nose. "I've known June for years, Jennie. He feeds off attention. If you don't give in and respond, he moves on. His antics don't deserve a response. He's your classic bully. I know how to deal with him; I did it enough growing up."

"Please," she scoffs. "If that approach worked, he wouldn't still be bullying you, now would he? How many years have passed since high school, Lisa? Since middle school? You need to stick up for yourself. You deserve to stick up for yourself!" Her cheeks are turning red with her outrage at June, and her voice continues to rise.

"What I deserve is the right to choose how I respond to people who treat me like there's something wrong with me."

"Are we seriously fighting about this right now?" Before I can agree that we shouldn't be arguing about this or suggest that we move on, she continues her tirade. "There's nothing wrong with your stutter; you know I love it, but you really need to change how you deal with it."

My blood runs cold at her words, and I feel some of my banked anger from earlier start to rise to the surface. "And how should I be dealing with it?"

"By not being a doormat! What's wrong with defending yourself and letting people know you're okay with your stutter?"

"I am okay with my stutter."

"No, you're not. You're so self-conscious about it, you can't even lecture our class because you're so afraid of it coming out. You need to be more confident. Just own your stutter, Lisa! Own it," she ends on whisper.

It's as if all other sound dies after her words are out in the open, and I hold my tongue before replying since it feels like I'm about to Hulk out.

I take a deep breath, searching for a way to explain in a way that'll get through to her. "I do own it. It may not be to your standards or your definition of owning it, but I do. I'm okay with that. Do I still get shy about it? Self-conscious? Yeah, but I accept that about myself. I. Own. It." I punctuate each word with a fist against my chest. "And I own how I feel about it and how I let others make me feel about it."

By the time I'm done speaking, Jennie's eyes are wide with surprise. "I get it, I do. You've come so far, but you can't be a doormat when someone blatantly bullies you. They're just going to do it again. Tonight is a prime example. You can't keep running. That's what you're doing, and you need to stop doing it."

"I don't need to do anything. Stop trying to ch-change me." My words sound broken, and I can't help but think I spoke too soon earlier when I thought she accepted me as I am.

She gives me an exasperated sigh. "I'm not trying to change you. I'm trying to help you."

"You are trying to change me. My ex tried to do that, and everyone who g-gets on me about m-my stutter is unconsciously doing the s-same. Just let me be. Please."

A furrow creases her brow, and her eyes flash in what I guess is frustration or determination.

"I just want to help you be normal, Lisa!" As soon as the words are out of her mouth, her face pales in horror. "Oh, my God. I didn't mean it like that—"

"But you did, Jennie. You did," I interrupt.

"I'm so sorry. Please, I just hate seeing you get picked on."

She moves toward me and tries to grab my arm, but I move farther away from her and her front door. "I can't deal with this right now."

I almost take back my words at the sight of her eyes shining with unshed tears, but I hold my ground.

"Don't run from this too, Lisa."

Before I can stop myself, a cynical laugh breaks free. "I'm not running, Jennie. We obviously disagree, and I just need some space. I need a break."

"A break? Does this mean you're breaking up with me?"

"No, I'm not breaking up with you. I just…you really messed with my head, Jennie. I need sp-space. Please," I implore.

"For how long?"

I brace myself for the answer I'm about to give, and I can't fight the grimace twisting my lips. "This coming week is finals week. How about we w-wait until it's o-over? It'll give us t-time to think and c-cool down. Please just give me time."

The stars leave her eyes as she watches me sadly, but when she speaks she sounds forlorn and resigned. "Okay, Lisa. I know we don't see eye to eye on what happened, and I'm truly sorry about how my words came across. I'll give you your space, but if you decide to break up with me, please don't string me along. Can you give me that, please?"

In this moment, I'd give everything to be a superhero from the comics I love so much. If I could, I'd rewind time and erase everything that happened at the skating rink and after. Unfortunately, I'm normal and embarrassed and hurting and conflicted. I'm human, and I'm not sure what to do. I can feel my throat start to close up at Jennie's request. Unable to say anything, I stare into her eyes as I nod. Her lips lift into a wan smile, and I turn to leave without hugging or kissing her goodbye.

Before my back is fully turned, I glimpse the hurt in Jennie's expression and can't miss the single tear tracking down her cheek. I almost stop, but I keep walking away, each step heavier than the last. I have no intention of making her wait in limbo for very long, but I need time to process everything. How do we bounce back from this, especially if it happens again? I may not know for sure, but I do know one thing: one of us will have to compromise. I'm just not sure that person can be me.