Without Sin

Chapter 2

Jacob expects to see Avery the next morning at mass. He sits in the middle of the pew, squeezed between Mike on his right and some kid from his English class on his left, and he keeps turning around to look back at the sacristy while the organist plays dreary tunes. The door to the sacristy is slightly ajar, but Jacob doesn’t see Avery back there. It doesn’t occur to him that today’s schedule may be different from last night’s until the altar boy leads the procession down the aisle, that Bible-like book in his hands held high, and it isn’t Avery.

Something deflates inside his chest like a balloon, and he doesn’t realize how much he’s been hoping to see that boy again until he’s not there. He wants to ask Mike why Avery isn’t on the altar but that would be a little obvious wouldn’t it? Besides, Mike doesn’t know—he’s just an usher, and only when his name comes up on the schedule. He doesn’t even Avery, not personally.

During mass Jacob kicks the back of the pew in front of him, restless and bored. When the upperclassman turns around and tells him to stop it or he’ll break Jacob’s leg, Jacob whispers, “I’ll kick your ass.”

grow up a little.

He’s sad that it’s only the second day of classes and already he’s falling into the same old s**t that got him thrown out of public school in the first place.

When everyone stands for communion, Mike says, “Maybe you should stay here. You aren’t Catholic.” Like Jacob doesn’t know this.

But he doesn’t want to be the only one in his pew, and yesterday he discovered the wine wasn’t grape juice like in the churches back home, but was real, honest-to-God and he wants another sip. Yesterday he almost dropped the goblet when he drank from it, shocked to find it contained alcohol, and a heady red wine at that. He gulped it down and the swallow he took was gone before he knew it, though the taste lingered in the back of his throat all day long, the same way the memory of Avery’s eyes lingered in the back of his mind.

Today he’s going to drink deep and savor the wine. He’s only sixteen and it’s the first real drink he’s ever had. So he tells Mike to shut up and folds his hands as if in prayer as he follows the boy from his English class up to the altar. He thinks about skipping the bread part—it’s a thin, round wafer that sticks to his tongue like plastic and he doesn’t like it all that much—but he thinks maybe someone will say something if he just jumps ahead to the wine, so he stays in place. When he gets the goblet he takes a quick sip to make sure it’s still wine and it is, so he takes another sip. He’d drink the whole cup but the server takes it away. He’s an upperclassman who frowns at Jacob like he’s done something wrong, but Jacob simply grins and falls back into step with the other sophomores.

Jacob’s head is down as he walks back to his pew, so he sees the loafer-clad foot when it juts out into the side aisle to trip him up. He’s wondering where Avery is and if he’ll ever see the altar boy again. He’s wishing the boy would serve every day just so he can stare at the altar—Avery has grown cuter the more Jacob thinks of the boy, so by now Avery is almost an Adonis in his mind. Jacob thinks if he ever sees Avery again, he’ll swoon. Then the foot sticks out and Jacob stops an instant before he can step on it. He looks up, thinking it’s that kid he got pissy with earlier, and finds himself staring into those catty eyes that haunted his dreams last night.

“Avery,” he whispers, before he realizes he shouldn’t say the boy’s name. But Avery smiles and Jacob can’t help but smile back. Was he thinking Adonis? on this boy.

“Don’t trip,” Avery says. His voice is scales lower than Jacob imagined it would be. Then he laughs—it’s a deep, throaty sound that makes Jacob ache in places he only just discovered the last few years. This time it’s Avery who winks at Jacob, and there’s that wicked gleam in his eyes Jacob saw the day before, that little something hinting this boy isn’t as placid as everyone might think he is. “You’re new here.”

Jacob’s about to tell Avery his name when Mike pushes against and Avery pulls his foot in as Jacob stumbles up the aisle. “Keep moving,” Mike whispers with another shove.

If Mike touches him again, Jacob’s going to kick ass, regardless of the fact that they have to share a room together for the rest of the school year.

But Mike’s not the only one pushing now, and Jacob glares at everyone who looks his way as he slides back into his pew. When the kid in his English class starts to ask him something, Jacob tells him to shut the hell up. The shocked expression on his face is enough to make Jacob feel better, but just a little. He wants to be sitting with Avery.

Several rows in front of him, Avery turns around and smiles with that hint of something more that makes Jacob want to pin him down until he confesses all the sordid thoughts going on inside his head. Jacob thinks he’d like those thoughts. There’s something in Avery’s eyes that suggests those thoughts mirror Jacob’s own.

It’s been a while since he’s fooled around with a boy and he’s never had a not like just one guy who only hung out with and only kissed so his stomach flutters now and he can’t pay attention to the rest of the service; he keeps looking over at Avery. He wonders if that whole foot thing can be considered flirting. He hopes so.

* * * *

He leaves one of his school books beneath the pew so he’ll have to go back and get it. After the mass, he leaves the church with Mike and one of Mike’s friends, someone Jacob doesn’t know and doesn’t to know. On the old stone steps outside, Jacob stops and makes a show of looking through his books. “I lost my history book.”

Mike walks down another three steps, mouth running nonstop, but when he realizes Jacob’s not coming, he stops and looks back. “What?”

“My history book,” Jacob explains. “I think I left it inside. You go on—”

“We can wait,” Mike says.

But Jacob shakes his head. “It’s okay. I’ll catch up.” he prays. He doesn’t want to be stuck with his roommate all the time, and he’s thinking maybe he can find Avery inside the church. He’s been watching the students pass him and he hasn’t seen the boy yet. It might even be back at the room. I’ll see you later.”

Before Mike can argue, he turns and ducks back into the church, blinking in the cool darkness. Most of the students have left already, and those who mill around the vestibule talk in muted tones that remind Jacob of watercolor paintings left in the rain. The thick scent of musty incense presses against him as he enters the nave.

The nave is brighter than the vestibule, with candles that cast flickering shadows across the holy water font and the huge crucifix that hangs behind the altar. Because he left the book here himself and lied to Mike about losing it, Jacob doesn’t look at the golden effigy of Christ hanging on the cross. He keeps his gaze on the floor and his scuffed loafers and counts the pews up to the one where he was sitting.

His book is right where he left it, half shoved beneath the seat so no one will see it. He snatches it up and sticks it with the others in his arms, which he hugs to his chest as he hurries from the church. At the doors to the vestibule he stops and dips his hand into the holy water, which is colder than he thought it would be. He feels it bead on his forehead as he makes the sign of the cross before leaving.

In the vestibule only a few students remain, mostly upperclassmen who don’t have morning classes or who work in the church before lunch. Jacob stares straight ahead to keep from looking at anyone, and he’s almost made it outside when someone steps up beside him.

Jacob whirls around and finds himself face to face with wicked half-smile on the boy’s lips again. Avery is only a few inches shorter than Jacob. When he looks up at Jacob, light shines deep in those crystalline eyes, making Jacob catch his breath. He’s never seen eyes that pretty,

“Hey, yourself,” he sighs. This was the real reason he came back. He hoped Avery would still be here.

“How do you know my name?” Avery asks. Jacob feels his cheeks heat up and he shrugs. “What year are you?”

“,” Jacob whispers.

Avery takes his arm and steers him from the church. Outside Jacob blinks in the bright daylight. “Is this your first year at St. Thomas A-Queer-Ass?” Avery asks.

Jacob laughs. His whole body tingles beneath Avery’s touch because neither of them pulled away. They head for the main school building, walking slow as if they have all the time in the world. Even though Jacob’s going to be late to class, he doesn’t care.

Avery is looking at Jacob, his gaze drifting over Jacob’s wavy bangs and the rest of his facial features to settle on the curve of his smile. He stares at Jacob’s mouth and when he licks his lips, Jacob thinks he’s going to fall into those endless eyes. “What did you do to deserve this?” Avery asks with a grin.

“Whole bunch of things,” Jacob admits. Even though they’re no longer in church, his voice is still low. He’s afraid this might be a dream and if he talks any louder, Avery will disappear. “Mostly cut up in school. I get in a lot of fights.”

Avery grins as if he doesn’t believe it. His hand tightens on Jacob’s arm. Jacob thinks now is a good time to start swooning. This close he sees how flawless Avery’s skin is and wants to catch those full lips between his own, kiss them swollen. When Avery winks, Jacob’s smile widens. “You don’t look like a bad boy to me.”

“You don’t know how bad I can be,” Jacob replies, pleased that he manages to sound coy and unaffected when his whole body is screaming for Avery’s touch. “You don’t even know my name.”

Avery laughs. “I’m hoping you’ll tell me.”

They’ve reached the school building now, but Jacob doesn’t want to go to class. He wants to run off into the woods behind the school, Avery in tow. He wants to tumble to the ground, Avery above him, the crush of their bodies so sweet it’s almost painful. He has no clue how he’s going to make it through the day with thought in his head.

Avery holds the door open for him. “You gonna tell me?” he asks. “Or do I have to guess?”

Inside, the school building’s as dismal as the church, and musty like old books. The hall is clogged with students and Jacob’s class is on the other side of the building—he’s already late so he’s not going to rush. Hell, now that Avery is finally talking to him, he doesn’t want to leave.

When he doesn’t answer immediately, Avery’s grin slips a notch. “Joseph?” he asks.

Jacob realizes he’s staring. “What?”

“Bradley?” Avery asks. “I’m guessing.”

Jacob laughs. “It’s Jacob.”

“Jacob,” Avery breathes. For a moment his eyes slip closed as if he’s savoring the name. Another squeeze on Jacob’s arm and Avery lets it go. “Well then, Jacob.” He says it like a prayer. “See you around.”

As he walks away, he shoves his hands into his pockets. Jacob watches the way Avery’s khakis pull taut around his buttocks with each step he takes.

Even after Avery vanishes into the crowd, Jacob stands there, still smiling just slightly. Is he falling? He thinks he is.