Tears were running down my cheeks.
Of course I'm hurt! And it hurts really bad like something was squeezing my stomach.
I shouldn't be like this, I had already expected this to happen and this would always happen if I didn't stop my feelings for her. Is that even possible? How could I stop my feelings?
But I've had enough this time, I need to let go and move on. I'm so tired getting hurt, this made my heart numb and hard.
There's no amount of pain compared to this, we haven't started anything yet but she already ended it. It feels like there's a giant arrow that drubbed into my chest. I feel hopeless, lifeless. I wanted to scream, to let it out but I couldn't. I wanted to be mad but it feels so wrong, there's nothing to be mad at.
Mrs. Hwang didn't do anything wrong, I am the one who's culpable of this. This love is wrong but it feels so right.
I was trembling but I managed to go in my room and when I was about to close the door, Mrs. Hwang came in then shut the door. She pinned me on the wall and kissed me feverishly.
Her soft lips were keen and bold as it moved, she held my cheeks and pulled me to deepen the kiss.
She was kissing me like there was no more reasons stopping her, I was stiffed and I couldn't move but she just continued her business asking me to respond.
Her low moans gave shivers down my spine, she gave me goosebumps but in a good way and my heart was like doing workout as it beats furiously.
I feel so alive.
Mrs. Hwang hesitantly broke the kiss, she held both of my arms then dragged me to the bed. She pushed me on the bed and moved on top of me.
She held and caressed my face like it was the most precious thing for her, I could feel her warmth and gentle. She was staring deeply into my eyes "Please Taeyeon, please kiss me," she purred.
My mind was blank and I could already feel the heat inside me, my hands moved and held her cheeks as well. She didn't have to please me because I'm always willing to kiss her and feel her. It's one of my dreams aside from her love and relationship.
I know I'm kinda hopeless romantic, I always gamble my heart for this, I just never learn my lesson with her, I always hold on to faith that maybe this time it will be different.
But I should wake myself up, she's engaged and nothing will change even if I kiss her now. As I said, I'm tired of being hurt. I'm not just her experiment if she's curious about her s****l orientation. I'm tired so I needed to control myself.
I grazed my hands down to Mrs. Hwang's shoulders and pushed her gently, I deviated because the typical me would just kiss her back as she asked for it. I wanted to satiate her desire because me, myself wanted it too but I didn't want to risk my heart this time.
She looked terrified with my action, was that really abominable move? I don't want to hurt her but does she even consider my feelings? She always hurt me even if it's unintended. Yes, she was confounded with what she feels for me, I totally understand that but she always choose to hurt me and this just hit me. She doesn't love me the way I do so it's easy for her to do that to me.
"Taeyeon?" Her voice was a little shaky then she sat up.
"I don't want to do it because I know you will just regret it after, I'm tired Tiffany. You always hurt and leave me broken, I love you but I've had enough this time. I know, you can never love me because I'm just your student and you love your fiance so please stop leading me on," I breathed out.
There, I said it but still, it hurts. I don't want her to be distant, I don't wanna lose her but I already said it. There's no turning back.This will be over now.
"No, you're wrong..." I turned to her meeting her gaze, her eyes flooded with tears.
My eyebrows snapped together in confusion.
"I don't know what's happening to me but I care a lot for you and... and... I care for you more than I care for him. That's not supposed to happen, he's a good man, he doesn't deserve this. You just came that day and messed it up. I mean, I already had plans; to have a family and everything but now, I'm so confused with my feelings. You always invade my mind, I can't stop thinking about you. And I'm happy when you're near me, I'm happy being with you," she finally conceded.
"I'm not asking you anything Tiffany-"
"Why? Because you already have Seolhyun huh? I don't like how she hurt you and you just forgave her that quick. I don't like her being around because you're giving her attention. I don't like her because she can just show how much you mean to her and I'm not!" She blurted out as she wiped her tears harshly but still, tears kept falling down.
I looked at her in awe "But do I deserve this treatment? You're leading me on then you will just leave me!" I retaliated.
"You have to understand my situation! I'm f*****g engaged Kim Taeyeon! It's not just something to throw away," she stood up then she paced back and forth.
"Then stop this act! Don't hurt me anymore, I'm already shattered into pieces. Please stop this torture," I countered. I squeezed my eyes shut then tears streamed down. My breathing became irregular as it felt like something strangled me.
Mrs. Hwang ran her fingers through her hair, she stopped pacing and faced me "I-I can't... I can't do that Tae, I-I want to try this..."
"I'm not just an experiment Mrs. Hwang," I scowled.
"Tiffany," she corrected. "Don't call me Mrs. Hwang, I feel old and you're not just an experiment."
"How 'bout your fiance? You love him," I stated firmly.
"I love him..." She took a deep breath. "But not as much as I love you," she admitted.
I frowned looking at her. I didn't know how to react, she loves me?
"I want to try and risk everything I have for you. Just give me time, promise I will tell this to Minho and cancel the wedding. I can't lie to him anymore but give me time to muster all my strength to tell him about this," Mrs. Hwang pursed her lips. "But please Tae, don't leave me."
"Y-you're willing to do that for me?" I asked still dazed.
Mrs. Hwang nodded. Should I call her Tiffany now?
"Tiffany..." I stood up and walked to her. I held her cheeks and wiped her tears tenderly. "You don't know how much happy I am right now but... I still can't believe this."
"And reject Seolhyun, I don't like her. She's getting under my skin," I could sense the jealousy in her tone.
"Pani..." I like calling her like that.
"Pani? It's cute, I like it," Tiffany remarked.
I couldn't take it anymore so I leaned to her and kissed her. Finally our lips had contact again, it was amazing like fireworks. Her lips were so soft, she put the right amount of force, and she smelled incredibly good.
My eyes were shut and my heart was pounding like crazy drum beats.
My adrenaline rushed even more when she initiated the moves. She held the back of my head and pulled me closer to her, I complied with the same intense she was giving me.
I could taste her, she taste like a bittersweet but delightful wine and I'm already addicted to it. Tiffany pulled me and we started to walk to the bed again. It was hard to go there as our lips were connected and our eyes were practically closed.
We stumbled on the bed, it was good that we stumbled right on the bed. Geez.
This woman will be the death of me!
I hastily moved on top of her and kissed her with all my heart. I was devouring every second of it as I could feel her moist and plump lips.
I could also hear our smooching sounds, it was music to my ears and it turned me on plus Tiffany was beneath me squirming as her hands balled my hair. She nibbled my lower lip and moaned my name "Tae... hmm..."
Basically, we were sucking each other's lips.
I pulled myself back slowly, it was magnificent that we both were checking our puffy lips.
I buried my face in her neck and nestled in her arms. Her scent was like a drug to me, it was fascinating. She was also panting as her chest moved up and down. I could feel her heartbeat and it feels like it linked to mine. Perfectly synced. I feel like we have special connection and we're one now.
She's my safe haven, I feel secured in her arms. She was stroking my hair and it cozied me.
Mrs. Hwang, no, Tiffany. She's amazing as always.
"I'm so happy with this Tae, you make me happy. I don't want this to end, I like you in my arms. I feel territorial and selfish because I just want you mine. It hurts me that I can't show how much you mean to me and how much I love you, it's torturing me," she sadly said.
"Pani..." I didn't know that she's also hurt. I'm selfish not to think about her feelings, I feel bad.
"I feel dying when I rejected, left and pushed you away... I don't wanna lose you but I'm in this situation. I'm engaged when I met you. I wish, I met you first. Minho is my best friend, he will always be. I thought my love for him was real, I mean I love him but only as best friend. I just realized that the first time you kissed me in school, I already knew this special feelings for you but I tried to ignore it," she told me as she kept playing the strands of my hair.
I pulled away to face her and it hurt me to see her like this, her tears kept flowing from her eyes. She looked hurt and remorseful.
"I don't want to see you like this Pani, it extremely hurts me. I'm sorry if I confused you, if you want I will try to distance myself from you," I proposed.
Tiffany shook her head and pulled me into a hug "No, no, don't do that. That will hurt me a lot, I will die inside if you do that. Please, don't do that... no..." she implored. Her sobs became louder and rough.
I hushed her "Okay okay... I won't do that. Please, stop crying..." I propped my head up on one elbow staring down at her.
Gosh, this woman is ravishing even if she's crying.
I grazed my fingers from her face down to her arms, her skin was baby-soft and flawless. I stared at her admiring every part of her.
She's perfect for me. Oh Lord, I hope this is not a dream.
I carefully wiped her tears "I hope I'm not dreaming..." I murmured unconsciously. I was engrossed giving her once over.
Tiffany gave me an eye smile "It's not a dream, this is real Tae," she held my hand and kissed my palm. "I love you," she wholeheartedly said.
"I love you more," I replied leaning forward to her.
"Nah. I love you most," she insisted leaning forward to me.
I chuckled and pecked her cheek "You're so beautiful," I cooed.
Tiffany instantly blushed and she was holding back her smile. Cute.
"You don't look so bad yourself Tae," she bashfully replied as she tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.
"You know I really want to ask you to be my girlfriend right now but I don't want you to cheat on your fiance," I want her so badly but I can't make a move because she's still engaged.
She pressed my hand on her chest "I promise, just give me time and I will tell him about this. It won't take long Tae, I don't want to lie to him either."
I nodded and smiled "I understand Pani, I will stop touching and kissing you. I don't like you to cheat on him, it's so not you."
Tiffany slightly pouted "But I want to kiss you, hug you and touch you..."
"Aisshhh, just this one. I hope this won't bite my ass," I held her cheek and quickly leaned forward to her then captured her delicate lips.
I kissed her passionately like my life depends on it. She complied immediately and held the nape of my neck deepening the kiss.
Our heads were tilted opposite direction as we enjoyed the kiss. Our noses bumped to each other but we didn't stop. This time I nibbled her lower lip and we both moaned lowly.
This kiss changed everything for me. I never knew how sweet other human being can be. Kissing is insanely odd at first but it became my favorite thing to do with her.
Suddenly I felt Tiffany pushed her tongue asking to enter my mouth so I did the same. I stuck my tongue out meeting her. Our pink slick muscles were dancing in the same rhythm. I thought it would be awkward using tongues when people kiss. This was amazing and Tiffany couldn't stop herself from moaning.
"This is so good, I love you Tae," she purred as we continued to kiss.
My idle hand moved down to her waist massaging it a little sensual, Tiffany whimpered when she felt my nailed dug in her skin.
I moved on top of her and straddled, I could feel her grinding her lower body to mine.
"Ah... Tae..." She wrapped her arms around my neck leaving me no choice but to kiss her.
I barely knew what we were doing but when the moment felt so strong, I was simultaneously very into it with my actions. I was honed in on her lips, on her movements, on the ways we sucked and nibbled our lips. And the way she breathed against me was so damn perfect.
I knew, if we continue this something will happen and we might regret it. Regret because we know that it's wrong and not because we don't like it. We really wanted to but I didn't want to lead Tiffany in wrong way.
I don't want her to cheat because of me, we need to control ourselves regarding this matter. I know there's s****l tension between us but we have to wait until she's totally free.
I craved for making this last longer but I couldn't. I wanted the time to stop but I didn't want to be selfish.
I pushed myself up, abruptly breaking the make out session. I had to because we were out of breath. Tiffany grunted disapprovingly.
It took me a moment to open my eyes, and then I looked straight into her, appreciating her beauty. I revelled, we had just experienced a wonderful sensation. It was strange, ethereal and surreal.
Sue me but I won't regret it.
I pecked the tip of her nose "We have to control our feelings," I reminded her staring down at her swollen lips.
Tiffany was gasping for air "I know," she mumbled.
I buried my face in her neck while I'm still on top of her "I love you Pani. I will wait for you, I promise."
I could feel that she kissed my crown "Thank you Tae. This feel good. I'm so happy being with you and I feel complete."
"I'm happy... finally you decide what you really want even if you chose Minho, I'd be happy because you made a choice. I don't want you to get hurt because of me, I can't handle that. It's too much to bear," I told her as my lips were brushing to her neck.
Tiffany hugged me tightly "And I'm glad that I chose you, I will never regret this decision."
And I was over the moon with that.
×××××
Thank you for being patient with me.