For The Pain You Caused

The Explanation

Chapter 3

The Explanation

The next morning, I woke up with the kind of headache that had nothing to do with sleep.

I had slept for barely three hours.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him.

Not the Damian from three years ago.

Not the boy who used to drive me home in a car that sounded like it might die at every traffic light.

Not the man who once held my hand across a restaurant table because he knew I hated eating alone.

The Damian I had seen last night was different.

Sharper.

Colder.

Expensive.

He looked like the kind of man who had learned how to turn pain into a business strategy.

I hated that I noticed.

I hated even more that some stupid, buried part of me still remembered everything about him.

The way his eyes narrowed when he was thinking.

The slight tilt of his head when he was pretending not to be jealous.

The quiet laugh he used to give when I said something ridiculous.

The way he said my name.

Amara.

Like it belonged somewhere in his mouth.

I sat up in bed and stared at my phone.

There were three messages from him.

Damian: Good morning.

I ignored it.

Another one came almost immediately.

Damian: I know you don't want to hear from me.

I stared at it.

Then another.

Damian: But please let me explain.

I locked my phone.

Five minutes later, I unlocked it again.

I hated myself for that.

I didn't reply.

Instead, I got out of bed, showered, dressed and tried to convince myself that last night had been nothing.

A coincidence.

A closed chapter.

A man from my past who had accidentally walked into my present.

That was all.

At least, that was what I told myself.

By nine-thirty, I was sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee growing cold beside me when my phone rang.

Nia.

I answered.

Before you say anything, I said, I'm fine.

There was a pause.

I wasn't going to ask if you're fine.

Then why are you calling?

Because I know you.

I sighed.

And?

And you haven't answered any of my messages this morning.

I was busy.

You don't even sound convincing.

I wasn't trying to.

She laughed softly.

Did he call?

I looked at my phone.

Yes.

And?

I ignored him.

Good.

I smiled despite myself.

Nia had always been the kind of person who could turn one word into a complete speech.

Amara.

Hmm?

Don't meet him alone.

I frowned.

I wasn't planning to.

"Promise me.

Nia

Promise me.

I rolled my eyes.

Fine.

Good.

She paused.

Then her voice softened.

Are you okay?

That question was different.

I looked down at my hands.

Yes.

That's not what I asked.

I swallowed.

There were some lies you told other people.

There were others you told yourself.

I don't know, I admitted.

Silence.

Then she said, "You don't have to know yet.

I closed my eyes.

I thought I was over it.

You were.

I don't think I am.

You don't have to be.

I didn't answer.

Nia sighed.

Just remember who you became after he left.

That sentence stayed with me long after the call ended.

Because I remembered.

I remembered everything.

The crying.

The unanswered calls.

The nights I couldn't eat.

The mornings I couldn't get out of bed.

The humiliation of begging someone to explain why they no longer wanted you.

And most of all, I remembered the girl I had eventually become.

Quiet.

Careful.

Independent.

A girl who stopped expecting people to stay.

Maybe that was what Damian had given me.

Not healing.

Just the ability to survive without him.

My phone vibrated.

I glanced at it.

Damian: I won't ask you to forgive me.

I stared at the message.

Another came.

Damian: Just give me thirty minutes.

I should have deleted the conversation.

Instead, I typed.

Me: Thirty minutes for what?

His reply came almost instantly.

Damian: The truth.

I froze.

The truth.

Three years.

And suddenly, two words had managed to make my entire body tense.

I typed again.

Me: There is nothing you can tell me that changes what happened.

The typing bubble appeared.

Disappeared.

Appeared again.

Then:

Damian: I know.

Another message.

Damian: That's why I'm asking you to hear me.

I put the phone down.

For several minutes, I did nothing.

Then I picked it up again.

Me: Where?

His answer came quickly.

Damian: There's a quiet café in Ikoyi. I'll send the address.

I stared at the screen.

Then I remembered my promise to Nia.

Don't meet him alone.

I almost laughed.

There were some promises you made because you wanted to keep yourself safe.

There were others you broke because curiosity was stronger than fear.

I called Nia.

She answered on the second ring.

I know that silence, she said.

I frowned.

What silence?

The kind that means you're about to do something stupid.

I sighed.

He wants to explain.

No.

Nia

No.

I haven't even told you what I want to do.

I know.

I leaned back in my chair.

He said there's something I don't know.

She was silent for a moment.

Then she asked, Do you believe him?

I don't know.

That's exactly why you shouldn't go.

I looked out the window.

The morning was bright, almost painfully so. Lagos was already awake. Cars moved through the streets. People rushed to work. Life continued with absolutely no concern for the fact that someone had returned from my past and rearranged the furniture in my mind.

I need to know," I whispered.

Nia exhaled.

Then I'm coming with you.

I smiled.

Fine.

But I'm sitting at another table.

Nia.

I'm serious.

I know.

And if he says anything disrespectful

I know.

And if he tries to manipulate you

I know.

She paused.

Okay.

What?

Nothing.

What?

Just be careful.

I will.

I ended the call.

Thirty minutes later, I was on my way to Ikoyi.

And with every kilometre, I became more certain that this was a mistake.

The café was quieter than I expected.

It was one of those places where everything looked deliberately effortless.

Cream walls.

Dark wooden tables.

Soft music.

Plants positioned in corners as though someone had spent hours deciding exactly where each one should go.

Damian was already there.

Of course he was.

He sat near the window with his phone face down on the table.

Black shirt.

No jacket.

Watch that probably cost more than my first car.

He looked up when I walked in.

For one brief second, something crossed his face.

Relief.

Then it disappeared.

He stood.

Amara.

Damian.

His eyes moved over me briefly.

Not in the way men looked at women they wanted.

In the way someone looked at a memory they weren't sure they deserved to touch.

You came.

You asked.

He nodded.

I pulled out the chair opposite him and sat.

He remained standing for another second before sitting down.

A waiter approached.

Would you like anything?

No, I said.

Damian looked at me.

Coffee?

No.

Water?

I'm fine.

The waiter left.

Silence settled between us.

It was strange.

Three years ago, silence between Damian and me had always been comfortable.

Now it felt like a weapon.

He looked at me.

I don't know where to start.

I almost smiled.

That's new.

His jaw tightened.

I deserve that.

Probably.

He looked down at his hands.

I had never seen Damian Cole struggle to find words.

Not when he was pitching an idea.

Not when he was arguing.

Not when he was angry.

But now he seemed almost... uncertain.

I know what you think happened.

I know what happened.

No.

His voice was quiet.

You know what I allowed you to believe happened.

I stared at him.

Something cold moved through my chest.

What's the difference?

A lot.

I leaned back.

Then explain it.

He looked directly into my eyes.

I didn't leave you because I stopped loving you.

I didn't move.

For a moment, I couldn't even breathe properly.

Then I laughed.

It wasn't a happy laugh.

It was small and bitter.

That's what you brought me here to say?

No.

Because that's not an explanation.

I know.

That's an excuse.

I know.

Then why are we here?

His eyes didn't leave mine.

Because I lied to you.

My smile disappeared.

I already knew that.

No.

He swallowed.

I lied about why I left.

I stared at him.

Outside, a car passed.

Someone at the table behind us laughed.

A spoon hit the side of a cup.

Normal sounds.

Normal life.

But suddenly, the entire room felt far away.

What are you saying?

Damian leaned back slowly.

I want you to understand something before anything else.

Which is?

I never woke up one morning and decided I didn't love you anymore.

I said nothing.

I didn't meet someone else.

My fingers tightened around the edge of the table.

I didn't leave because you weren't enough.

My throat tightened.

And I didn't leave because I suddenly became too successful for you.

I looked away.

Then why?

He didn't answer.

That was when I realized something.

He was afraid.

Damian Cole was afraid.

Not of me.

Of the answer.

I looked back at him.

Why did you leave me?

His jaw tightened.

I can't tell you everything today.

I stared at him in disbelief.

You asked me to come here for the truth.

I know.

Then tell me.

It's not that simple.

It was simple when you broke me.

His face changed.

Just slightly.

But I saw it.

Pain.

Real pain.

For the first time since I'd seen him again, I didn't know what to do with the expression on his face.

He looked down.

When I ended things with you, I thought it was the only way.

The only way to what?

He was silent.

I felt anger rising again.

You don't get to do this.

He looked up.

Do what?

Walk back into my life, tell me everything I believed was wrong, and then give me half a story.

I know.

Then finish it.

I can't.

Can't?

Not yet.

I stood.

He immediately looked up at me.

Amara.

No.

I grabbed my bag.

You don't get to decide when I deserve the truth.

I know.

Then stop acting like you do.

I am trying to protect you.

The words came out before he could stop them.

I froze.

Protect me.

The same words people used when they wanted to control a situation.

The same words men used when they wanted women to accept decisions they hadn't been allowed to make.

I laughed bitterly.

Protect me?

He closed his eyes briefly.

That came out wrong.

No. It came out exactly right.

Amara

You left me.

I know.

You destroyed me.

I know.

You watched me beg for an explanation.

His face tightened.

I know.

And now you want to tell me you did all of it to protect me?

I didn't want you to hate me.

I stared at him.

Then you should have thought about that before you gave me a reason to.

He said nothing.

I turned to leave.

Then he spoke.

Your father knew.

I stopped.

My hand tightened around the strap of my bag.

Slowly, I turned around.

What did you say?

Damian looked like he regretted the words the moment they left his mouth.

My father?

No.

His voice was quieter.

Your father knew.

I stared at him.

My father died six years ago.

I know.

Then what are you talking about?

He stood.

There are things about the year before I left you that you don't know.

My heart began beating harder.

What things?

He looked at me for several seconds.

Then he said the one thing I hadn't expected.