Fillius Glint

1. How Nigel Broke the Universe

Chapter 1

How Nigel Broke the Universe

Somewhere in a Ninth-Tier Universe…

The Iffik family was uncharacteristically somber around the breakfast table that morning. Mrs. Iffik sawed at a slice of ham on her plate, holding it in place with a fork to prevent it from slipping around. Mr. Iffik shoveled scrambled eggs into his face, nearly decorating his beard with the fluffy stuff twice. Nigel poked at his pancakes with a spoon, which was an incredibly ineffective way to eat. Nancy glared at her plate, not even pretending to have an appetite. For one thing, she hated ham; it reminded her too much of her pet flying pig, Sully. But that wasn’t the real reason behind the tension this morning.

Nancy bit down a wave of nausea and said what everyone around the table was thinking. “They’re dead.”

Mrs. Iffik paused mid-slice. “At least we have the anti-viral protocols to protect them.”

Nancy poked at her plate. “Not all of us do.”

Mr. Iffik put down his fork. “I thought you installed one on your Universe Grower yesterday.”

“One. The attack last night obliterated four of the universes on my UG.”

Nigel winced. Mrs. Iffik went back to slicing. “Well, we told you to install anti-virals immediately after creating a universe. Now you see why.”

“Don’t make this my fault, Mom.” Nancy’s face reddened. “You know full well that this would never have happened to our UGs if Nigel hadn’t illegally downloaded all that porn last night and compromised our system.”

“Nancy!” Mr. and Mrs. Iffik said this simultaneously. Nigel sank in his chair.

Nancy slammed her fist on the table. “No, don’t ‘Nancy’ me! You know I’m right. Trillions of sentient beings died last night because he wanted to crank one out.”

“At least the other sentients are protected by the anti-viral pro—”

“You know that’s not a surefire thing, Mom. The only universe I have left is down to one planet.” Nancy pushed her plate away. Nigel left the room. Mrs. Iffik glanced at Mr. Iffik, who got up to follow Nigel. Mrs. Iffik put her hand over Nancy’s hand.

“I’m sorry, honey. Which planet is it?”

“Aisaphora.”

“Was that the one with the wizards?”

“Mages.” Nancy picked at the tablecloth with her other hand.

“Well, I remember from church something like this happened in the Book of the Holy Wombat. The Zorda protocol was able to stop the virus from killing everything. And if your planet made it through the night, that probably means it’ll be okay.”

Nancy bit her lip. “Yeah, but the infection slowed down my universe’s timeline. It’s still running faster than ours, but not fast enough. The diagnostics I ran this morning say it’ll take three days to know whether or not the universe has stabilized.”

Mrs. Iffik pulled Nancy toward her and enveloped her in a hug. “I always liked Aisaphora. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

Nancy gave a deep, shuddering breath. “Thanks, Mom. I hope you’re right.”