INTREPID

GIVING UP

I looked at the bar guy. I think I even know him. No one can forget him,he has a big nose with Harry Potter glasses which makes him stand out.We are in business administration class together, and he is very intelligent, his GPA is as good as mine if not better.I just can’t remember his name. I quietly moved to the side, it looks like the next guy is running out of patience waiting for me to even read the names of the drinks in the bar, from what I can see there is no fruit drinks which I can take. Then I decided to look around to see if there was someone taking such drinks, I realized I failed in the drinks department, too. I tried to hold my head high and feel like I belong here, but I just felt like I came from another planet, and I do not understand the language of these people.

I looked around, and then I wondered where I had been when my fellow students had been leaving like this. I blame it all on the great writers of all time for writing amazing stories. I even wish I had stayed home with a big cup of coffee finishing up my book. Way to go, Zoe, thinking about books at the party, I see why guys find me boring, I find myself boring right now. Let me look for Grace and tell her that I have failed, I feel disappointed in myself, and right now, I really felt like I could do this.

I pushed through drunk students looking for Grace, and then some guy came running with a weird face, and I wanted to ask what was going on with him, then he puked on me. My breasts were covered in vomit, and I wish I could describe the smell. It’s something I have never smelled before in my twenty-three long years of my life. I head everyone saying; ewww! , trust me, I was the ewww at this time. What is wrong with me? I was still holding the guy who just puked on me .He looked at me, and I could see that he was ashamed of himself, he run to the wash room without saying a word. I also ran to the ladies' wash room as if the night couldn't get any better, I saw my best friend in the passage kissing the guy I have liked for almost three years.

I was hurt and I couldn't even smell the vomit anymore.The pain I felt was too strong to even care about the vomit.I entered the wash room and took off my tank top, and started washing myself.Tears started flowing why does it even hurt so much when I 'm well aware that he doesn't even know I exist.As for Grace she knows how I feel about Mike but I have no reason to be upset with her,he doesn't belong yo me,I have no right.This place is suffocating me now,I couldn't breath,I felt like I was having a heart attack.

After washing myself, I wanted to fly from this place, and then I found myself in the passage. I did not even realize I was walking straight through the back door. There was a beautiful garden and a lot of flowers. It felt like heaven after hell. As I was enjoying the night breeze, I felt peace, I took a long breath, and then a familiar scent hit my nose, and I started looking around. I turned my head then I saw it and it was pink compared to the one that was at grandma’s house. The Hesperis matronalis plant. Others call it a sweet rocket. The fragrance of hesperis is as sweet as a violet’s and most pronounced in the evening. I know this because it was my grandmother's favourite flower. She could sit outside in the evening just enjoying the fragrance. Sometimes, I would sit with her, and then she would start telling me how she met my grandfather. I miss her so much it hurts.

My grandmother was my entire world,I feel like my world began with her and ended with her.I feel so empty without her,I looked up and the stars were shining the brightest and unreachable I looked down, the ground was too hard to open up and swallow me.I found myself alone in the garden,stuck between heaven and earth.Sometimes heaven seems too far away and the ground seems too hard,in between is a lot of unpredictable moments.At this moment, I feel so small that the world is too big for me.I started imagining my grandmother standing in front of me, then I asked myself ,what would she say to me?Then I heard her:zo,my precious one, the world may be too big for you but there is a space for you in this world .If you are not okay in this place,do not change yourself in order to fit in with others.you are perfect the way you are.Its okay,You can go back and do things that makes you happy ,my little one.I want you to know that I will always love you.Then I said:grandma life is not the same without you.I feel so empty without you.Come back to me please,I did not even realize that I was kneeling down,crying my heart out.I felt a figure behind me, I knew someone was standing behind me but I couldn't stop myself from crying,I wanted to cry for however long I can,I felt pain and all I wanted was to cry everything out.I think seeing Mike and Grace kissing has just opened all my scars and i found it had to breath.After crying for about thirty minutes,I felt a hand on my shoulder,for some reason I did not want to turn around and see who it was,it was embarrassing,this is a party for crying out loud not a therapy session, but this night is not planning on going easy on me,is it?

I turned around then I saw him standing behind me with hands in his pockets, He is very tall and well built.I raised my eyes to look at his face,there it was,the chiselled jaw that shapes his face beautifully and the dark hair swept on the side and his clear brown eyes are just the icing on the cake.He is the kind of handsome that gets into your bones and drives you crazy. I am grateful that he did no say anything to me.I sat back on the bench ,I felt ashamed for crying like this at the party and someone actually seeing me in that situation.I did not want to say anything and I did not want him to say anything to me.knowing someone was there with me,made me feel less lonely.

I should probably find a way around to sneak out and go back to my room and sleep my shame away.Before I could come up with an excuse,Mike offered to take me back to the room.I was too tired to even mind being seen with him.You smell nice for someone who was covered in vomit a while ago; I covered my face,I cant believe he saw that.I thought he was busy with his lips on my bestfriend.I kind of even forgot about the kissing but I know Grace wont keep him for long but it just made the possibility of being with him impossible.If it was meant for me not seeing it then I did not see anything.Whatever they have going on is not my business even if it hurts.

I heard him call my name, I forgot I was even talking to him.Trust me Mike,you do not want to smell me right now,I responded.What you are smelling is the plant behind us,it pronounces the sweet fragrance in the night.He smiled and took off his jacket and and gave it to me,he noticed that I was uncomfortable in the cloths I was wearing.He held my hand when we where walking through the crowd,I did not mind I felt good and protected.He may be the playboy of campus but today he was just a guy who made me feel safe.It is good to know that underneath the swag ,is a normal human being with compassion. I just hope his minions will not mind the absence of their leader.

The party house was not far from campus ,so we decided to walk back to my room.The walk was in total silence, and I had no idea what to say to him.when the quietness became too much,I decided to say something but before I could even open my mouth,he asked me what I was doing at the party.Honestly,I don't know.He looked at me and his expression was urging me to continue.After my grand mother died,I lost the last piece of family I had and I am all alone now.The thing is death is nothing new in my life but its so had to accept this one.I feel like there is no being inside me ,I feel empty ,she was everything to me.She was my every smile,every spark in my eyes and she was all the joy and love in this pathetic world.I felt like I could do anything as long as she was with me and now that she is gone,I have no idea how to live without her.I was excited that I was about to graduate so that I can spend time with her but now I am afraid of going back to my home because of the memories and reminders it holds.To cut the long story short,I guess I am just looking to feel something different from loneliness and pain.

He didn't say anything for a while we just walked in silence.We reached at the entrance of my dorm then he said:it looks like your grandmother has been a big part of your life and I am pretty sure she made certain sacrifices for your well being,do not let that go to waste.You are a strong young lady and I,m sure you can fight this but that party is not your way out.You hold all the cards you can choose to crumble or let this experience make you stronger.I can't tell you that I know what you are going through because I don't but one thing I understand is the pain of loosing your family,that I know.You may not forget your grandmother but you will learn to live with the pain of loosing her.Do not be in a rush to heal just take one step at a time and remember to put your foot in front of the other.Get some sleep,see you in class and he left.I haven't had anyone talk to me that way in a long time.The thing is,my friends have no idea what I'm going through because I do not let them see the wounds and scars of my heart but I need to let some people in, especially now that I have no family.