feel something (Campus Playlist Series #1)

Chapter Two

Pumasok siya sa kwarto niya na may bitbit na anim na lata ng sapporo. She turned off the main light in her room then turned on the LED lights and changed it to purple.

Pagkatapos ay umupo na siya sa carpet at sumandal bahagya sa gilid ng kama niya as she opened her spotify app, connected her phone to the bluetooth speaker on top of her side table then played In Tounges album by Joji. Will He, the first song played.

In-on muna niya ang 'Do Not Disturb' sa phone niya. Pagkatapos ay inabot muna niya ang relx sa tabi ng speaker at humipak bago binuksan ang beer at uminom.

"Tangina." Bulong niya sa sarili niya habang inaalala lahat ng nangyari kanina.

"Ian?" El muttered the moment she turned around and she was surprised while he looked surprised too but confused as well.

Ilang beses na niyang na-imagine 'tong eksena na 'to sa utak niya. Itong eksena na muli silang magkikita at ilang beses na rin niyang pinaghandaan ang magiging reaction niya. She must look okay, pretty okay. There must be no sign of the past.

She's gone for a year, she left him one year ago without saying anything. Alam mo 'yung wala siyang kahit anong sign na pinakita or pinaramdam na any moment iiwanan na niya siya or sila. Because everything was unexpected, specially for her. She didn't carefully think about it that time, noong mga panahon na 'yon ang gusto lamang niya ay ang makalayo. Hindi niya naisip ang mga tao sa paligid niya, ang mga kaibigan niya, even El, who always thought about her and her family. El, who prioritized her and always chose her over anything that time. Hindi niya naisip si El, ang pinagsamahan nila ni El, ang mararamdaman ni El at kung anong meron sila.

Then it hit her, that El's in front of her. She trembled but immediately hid that because she's not supposed to. Mabilis siyang tumalikod dito para i-compose saglit ang sarili niya, she registered a smile, a fake one bago siya muling lumingon dito.

El actually did not recognize her, he never imagined that she would color her hair, get a tattoo and a nose piercing. Iyon na siguro ang pinakamalabong bagay na gagawin ni Iana sa isip isip ni El but oh well a lot of things have changed and she changed as well. She's now far from what he knew.

Iana, actually, used to have a long black hair, na ayaw na ayaw niyang pinapagupitan or pakulayan, most of the time pinapa-braid niya pa iyon sa Mama niya so she would look neat. Takot din siya sa karayom noon, ayaw na ayaw niya nga noon na nagpapa-inject kaya hindi nito sukat akalain na magpapatattoo siya. Sobrang simple lang ni Iana noon pero litaw na litaw pa rin ang ganda niya, she looked so innocent sabi nga ng iba.

Kaya naman nung nakatalikod siya kanina hindi sumagi sa isip nitong si El na si Iana 'yon kahit na Ortega pa ang surname na sinabi rito ni Prof. Lopez. Even that moment na nabasa nito 'yung message kanina na kailangan nitong dalhin sa isang Ortega ang outputs nila, hindi ito na-bother at hindi rin sumagi sa isip nito na baka si Iana iyon. It's been one year and four months mula noong huling beses siya nitong nakita. And within that time he met a lot of Ortegas but none of them were Iana. Kaya naman pag nakakarinig ito ng Ortega, hindi na ito umaasa na baka siya na ito. Sumuko na ito noon pa man na baka muli silang magkita.

Kaya laking gulat na lamang nito na makaharap siyang muli at the most unexpected time. Sobrang laki naman kasi talaga ng pinagbago niya, maikli na ang buhok niya, short equal length haircut with the popular ash gray ends. Actually hindi siya mapakali sa hair color niya, madalas niya itong palitan. Minsan dalawang linggo pag hindi na niya gusto ang kulay ng buhok niya pinapalitan na niya agad.

Hindi rin naiwasang mapatitig ni El sa tattoo niya on her right arm, it's a girl hugging herself and a sunflower as its head. Self love, he guessed? Pero hindi naman gano'n kapansin pansin 'yung hikaw niya sa ilong, it's just like a small silver dot on her nose. Maganda pa rin siya tulad noon, siguro mas fierce nga lang siya tingnan ngayon opposite ng pagkakaroon ng innocent look niya noon.

"Uhmm—oy." Mahinang sabi niya habang nakangiti ng pilit and El being El knew na peke iyon. Pero ano bang nararamdaman ni El? Actually, hindi rin nito alam. He felt betrayed the whole time, galit siya dito but now she's here in front of him he's kinda confused. He missed her but it felt kinda wrong, he missed her but there's something inside him that made him uncomfortable being with her.

"Ah—." Tumingin ito kay Iana saglit at ibinaling ang atensyon sa mga papel na hawak niya. He cleared his throat then he continued. "Ah—ano, Ma'am instructed me to give these outputs to you. Student assistant ka pala." Tumingin ulit siya dito like how he looks at his friends, normal-look, nothing special. Sa isip isip niya everything has changed so his treatment for her must change too, treat her like an ordinary person in his life.

Actually, he wanted to ask her about what happened one year ago. What's with this major changed she had? Pero naisip niya rin na para saan pa? It might ruin what he has now so it's much better na hayaan at ibaon na lang ang nakaraan, mukhang okay na rin naman si Iana at okay na rin naman siya?

"Oo eh, dagdag income. Alam mo na, kami na lang ni Mama." Sagot niya tsaka kinuha ang mga papel na inaabot ni El.

And yes, he knew that. He knew because he was with her during her downfall. He did what he was supposed to as her boyfriend during that time na hirap na hirap sila ng family niya. Nalugi ang business ng family niya, they had to close down all their restaurants and her father was so stressed about it, tipong hindi na ito umuuwi ng bahay para lang makaisip ng paraan paano mababayaran 'yung mga tauhan nila hanggang sa inatake ito sa puso. Si El lang ang takbuhan ni Iana noon, hindi niya pinaalam sa mga kaibigan nila 'yon. It happened last year, panahon ng graduation. Everyone's talking about the gift they wanted to receive from their parents and also planning about a long trip after their graduation and before going to college. Everyone's having a good time and she didn't want to spoil that.

"Goods 'yan." Maikling sagot nito kay Iana at muling ngumiti kaya naman tumango tango lang siya na parang umaagree sa sinabi nito. Well, awkward for them.

"Ah sige mauna na ko ha, salamat."  Mabilis na sabi ni El dahil wala na rin naman siyang masabi dito at sobrang ramdam naman talaga ang awkwardness between them. Ngumiti ulit ito at mabilis na tumalikod at naglakad palayo, doon lang ito nakahinga ng maayos nang malayo na ito kay Iana. She just watched him walking away from her.  Sa isip isip niya, okay lang. She deserved it.

Si El lang ang may alam ng lahat ng nangyari sa family niya, si El ang tanging nasandalan niya at ng Mama niya noon. The last thing El knew was her father sold their house without them knowing it para mabayaran ang iba pang mga dapat bayaran. He was about to offer his condominium to her and her Mama pero bago pa man nito sabihin bigla na lamang siyang umalis.

She was so inconsiderate and she left him.

Napabuntong hininga na lang siya habang tumutulo ang luha niya because of what happened earlier. Hindi naman niya idedeny na nasaktan siya, pero wala siyang karapatan dahil siya ang unang nanakit.

Muli siyang uminom ng beer at pinunasan ang luha niya. Pero sa tingin niya hindi siya matutulungan ngayon ng beer para makatulog. Ever since that day may mga gabi na nahihirapan na siyang makatulog pero hindi gano'n kalala dahil nandyan naman sa tabi niya ang Mama niya, nakakaya niya mag function ng maayos. Pero mula noong umalis na ito at nagtrabaho sa ibang bansa at nanirahan siya mag isa, doon siya hirap na hirap kaya naging routine na niya ang uminom ng alak. Pero kapag sobra sobra 'yung nararamdaman niya, doon siya gumagamit ng usok.

Umayos siya ng upo, binuksan ang pinaka-ilalim na drawer ng side table sa gilid ng kama niya at kinuha ang pakete ng yosi. Yosi na may halong w**d. Kumuha siya ng isa at inilagay sa pagitan ng labi niya at sinindihan iyon gamit ang lighter mula sa drawer.

Habang humihipak, unti unti siyang muling sumasandal sa gilid ng kama niya at dahan dahan ring pinakiramdaman ang epekto nito. Gumagaan ang pakiramdam niya at unti unting nawawala lahat ng iniisip niya. She was just smoking while letting herself absorbed the music. Pills.

Please don't run away

Please don't run away

(Fly, I'll fly away, away, away)

Please don't run away

Please don't run away

(Please don't run away)

I don't know why

I don't know why I feel this way

I feel the same

I don't know why

I don't know why I feel the same

I need you back

I need you back

I need you bad

I need you back (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Where'd you go?

I thought we'd last forever (last forever)

Where'd I go?

I was sinking through the leather

She was like that for hours, she was already lying on the carpet until someone knocked on her door but she didn't even notice.