Hidden in Plain Sight

Chapter Five. My Life Preserver.

If I had to select a moment in time when Tiff and I first became friends, it would be this moment. Tiff seemed so genuine and sincere that we became instant friends. We became inseparable and it felt amazing to be able to share things with someone.

I hate being an overthinker. I can spin two or three scenarios in my head and the sad part is, I actually believe them. No proof of any of them, but my gut feeling. I am so grateful to have Tiff to bring me back to reality. Thank goodness because she is the only person I know who can snap me back to reality, but at the same time make me feel like I am losing my mind. She walks that fine line between friend and foe. She can be such a good friend, but be such a b***h at the same time.

But she became my life preserver. I would never have survived in that world without her. So sad that I still see that world as theirs. I still see myself as an outsider, just getting glimpses of their reality. Yet they honestly thought of me as one of their own, especially since their king had brought me in.

That summer, Tiff and I started this amazing friendship and spent as much time together as possible. But the introvert in me needs an escape from it all. Whenever I became overwhelmed, I took swimming laps after work and cycled around the neighborhood. I needed the endorphins to chase away the low self-esteem feeling and the fresh air to clear my head.

As I did everything in my power to fend off the feeling of low self-worth, I often wondered why I thought so low of myself!! No one really knows what I have been through or what has happened to me. They might have heard the stories altered, but the reality of it all is still with me.

Having to always be perfect and present myself a certain way has always been a part of me, but I am tired of having to keep that facade going. I just want to be me for once. The me that wasn't scared to show the world my true self.

I sit here in the Country Club's employees' bathroom and showers and I think of the pressure to be perfect all the time. I often say to my reflection, "Are you tired of always feeling this pressure to just fit in and act perfect all the time?" I want so badly to be normal, but I look around and I feel there is a wall separating me from everyone else. It's just me, myself, and I am against this world, but I don't have the right weapons or a good game plan to win this battle. I often feel so defeated."

Once again lost in my thoughts, my manager, Angie, came into the locker room and started yelling orders to us, "Come ladies get yourself together, it's time to clock in and get this shift going. We need to set up before the members arrive." I jumped up and made sure I had all my gear, as I headed to the main pool.

As I hustled down the pathway between the locker rooms and pool, I heard a familiar voice call out to me, "Hey newbie, wait up for me!" How could I not tell it was my delicious counterpart? As Miles caught up to walk with me, you could see the disappointment in the other girls.

In the past few weeks, Miles has been showing me the ropes as a Country Club lifeguard. He showed me how to interact with the members, how to win over my supervisor, how to score the best shifts, and how to fall deeper in love with him. Of course, he has been giving me hints that he is interested in me, but I cannot tell if he is just being nice to me or if he is truly interested. He sits with me every day at lunch and I can feel his leg touching mine as we sit. He gently touches my arm and brushes strands of my hair away from my eyes while he is talking to me. When he walks next to me, I can feel his arm brush against me. It's like he looks for any opportunity to touch me. I don't know if he is being flirty or is this how he is with females.