Reincarnation

Humanity

Cross

What was reality and what was fiction? I felt like I was going stir crazy. I haven’t felt like this since… Perhaps the last time I was human. Like a flip of a switch, I was overtaken by sweltering heat and cold, aching chills – on and off, on and off, with no end in sight.

I could almost feel her comforting hand wiping the freezing sweat off my brow with a wet washcloth, but every time I deliriously opened my eyes, it was just my sister Jadeyln tending to me. Disillusioned, I buried my face into the pillow that propped my head up.

In between throngs of consciousness, fever dreams permanently etched hallucinations of her in my mind, tearing me in two between what was real and what was purely fiction. I could see her, yet a different version of her. I could sense her spirit was the same, yet the woman in front of me was just an echo of the past. Her heartbreakingly beautiful face and hazel-green eyes brought on more pangs of aching agony into my chest. A face and a name I had taken centuries to bury deep inside the abyss of my memories, but with the fever, she crept up onto the surface of my subconsciousness.

I could almost see her smiling sweetly at me. I wanted to reach out to her, but the deep shame that came with her stopped me. I had failed her miserably. My greed and lust… What have I done?

“Celis…” I murmured, examining her sad features before she turned back into Jade, who startled at my sudden whisper.

“Hush now, Brother… You need rest.” She appeared troubled as the name brought about painful memories for her as well.

I shivered uncontrollably, a blackhole had formed in my chest that threatened to consume me by slamming memories of my worst sins committed over centuries of time. I hated myself. I wanted to die. That was no longer an option. I was bound to her spirit as I reawakened. The bloodlust in and of itself made me feel so incredibly guilty. I was trapped in it.

“You should have let me die, Jade.”

“I couldn’t bear to lose you.” She said firmly, almost chidingly.

“You’ve bound me to her soul permanently.” The words were almost inaudible. “Now look at what your selfishness has brought to me.”

“That’s only because she sired you.”

“This isn’t the same… As when The Master sired me… It’s different… I feel…”

She lowered her gaze. “I can already sense it inside of you… Even though you have turned, you still have it.”

She seemed like she didn’t want to say the word out loud, but I knew what she was referring to. My soul was completely intact. The humanity of it burned inside me, battling with the darker counterparts of my very being.

“You need her blood.” She continued, clicking her tongue disapprovingly.

“She doesn’t want to see me… I’m sure she’s already forgotten me.”

“Doubtful.”

“Even so, I can’t bear to face her. I deserve her hatred.”

“How could she hate you? You have your soul.” The excuses she tried to give me to talk to Lana triggered a feeling of irritation.

“She’s better off not knowing. Let her hate me, I deserve it.”

Aghast, she stood up, tossing the cloth into the washing basin. “Your fever is reducing slightly. Get some rest Leo.”

I listened to her retreating footsteps and pulled my blanket up to my chin.

I deserve every bit of this agony. I would keep repeating this until sleep threatened to drag me under again.

The dreams that came didn’t alleviate anything, just made it worse.

I was in a familiar forest, another time, another dimension even, remembering the moment that I laid eyes on her for the first time. She was bathing in the pristine, crystal clear waters of the lake. The moonlight caressed her skin, the stars caught in her eyes. Her pale skin glowed underneath the breadth of the night sky, glistening mysteriously as if the moon goddess herself had descended upon the earth itself.

“I know you’re watching me, human.” Her tone was soft, but the night breeze carried it loftily to me.

“You do not shy away.” I noted out loud, thinking that she didn’t hear me. Her soft full lips curved up slightly in an amused smile.

“Why should I? This is my natural form, and it is you who are trespassing upon my bath time.”

I watched in silent wonder, as she made her way toward me, wading through the shallows of the shore. The silver bracelet that adorned her dainty wrist glimmered in the moonlight as she wrung out her long brown hair. She displayed her nudity in front of me without shame, but I still lowered my eyes, embarrassed. I had to push the sinful thoughts away.

It was at that moment she permanently entwined herself in my thoughts, my heart… My soul… She infused herself into my very being, and yet… She belonged to another.

The dream shifted, I nervously held a bouquet of wildflowers that I had picked and made my way to the barn I allowed them to shelter in. As I approached the doors, I stopped, my heart thudded in my throat, as I could hear the sounds of their lovemaking. My hands quivered in rage as I balled my fists tightly after creaking the door open slightly, spying on them.

“Elios…” She muttered breathlessly. She tangled her fingers in his dark hair as he moved his hips deeply into her…

Resentment swallowed me deep along with the violent wrath I felt budding inside my chest. She was too consumed in him to even notice my presence. I dropped the flowers and turned on my heel. I had to control myself, otherwise I would have barged in there and beaten him violently to a bloody pulp.

I knew she belonged to another, but yet, I still felt as if she should have belonged to me. She had to be mine. I wanted desperately to claim her as my own and it was that selfishness that proved to be the undoing of everything and contributed to her cursed fate.

Sunlight pierced the window, filtering through the cracks of the curtain and woke me from my slumber. I watched as the beam of light slowly made its way closer to my hand outstretched on the pillow next to me. I watched in amazement as it touched me. I expected pain, yet, as it bathed my hand, there was nothing but warmth. I turned my hand, palm upwards, wondering if it would have been better if the sun would have turned me into ash.

Surely, it would have been better. Better to die, than to be tied to the soul of Celis Hawthorne, who reincarnated into the current body of Lana Silvermayne.

Even now, I can feel her pining for the soul of her fated mate. I tried everything in my power to tie her to me, and yet, I had f****d it all up royally, binding them closer together. I should have just killed him, but the masochist in me wanted to make him suffer. My plans had failed miserably, or did they? They still have not unified. Perhaps they would suffer more than they had before in their previous lives. All of it: my doing.

Wretched guilt. I wished so badly to shut off the humanity that made it possible. I wanted to freeze my heart.

All I could do was shut the world away. I turned my back to the sunlight, surrendering back into sleep, praying for it to be dreamless, but not granted that mercy. This was my punishment.