it always rains in tree hill

is it okay to love them both?

Keith decided not to ask me about why I didn’t want to be around Dan, and I was grateful for that. I wished I could keep this secret buried forever or better yet I wish it would just go away. The whole car ride home I tried to push what happened between Dan and I out of my mind, but every time Keith smiled at me. The guilt ate away at my heart. When I was just about to crack underneath the pressure when Keith pulled up to my house. “Home sweet home” Keith spoke and smiled at me “I can walk you to the door if you’d like?” Keith asked.

I shook my head and mumbled something about being tired to be entirely honest I don’t remember exactly what I said to him. But I said whatever that got me out of that car the fastest I felt like I was suffocating in that car. Once I got out of the car and waved goodbye and watched Keith drive off. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. As I walked into my house, I walked past my parents not saying anything. I went straight to my room and shut and locked the door.

I flopped down on my bed and buried my face in my pillow. My mother knocked at the door, and I could her sweet soft voice “honey? Are you ok? Did something happen with Keith?” She spoke and I could hear her voice crack. She was worried about me I sighed a heavy deep sigh. “Nothing happened I’m just tired mom I’m ok” I spoke loud enough for her to hear me through the door. Once I heard her small footsteps walking away, I rolled back over and squeezed my eyes shut. Wanting to slip away or just disappear into thin air.

A few moments later I heard my sister come into the house she was all excited telling my mother and father how great her weekend with Dan was little did she know I probably seen more of Dan then she did this weekend. As if Dan knew that I was thinking about him I got a text from him asking to meet him at the river court I thought about not going, thought about ignoring his text rolling over and going to sleep but it was the middle of the day and even if I was tired, I couldn’t sleep the thought of what I did haunted me.

so, I decided to go got up and got dressed and told my parents I was going to a study group at the library they believed me because I was their good child, I never lied I guess I was turning into the worst version of myself in front of their eyes they just didn’t know it. As I walked to the river court I kept practicing in my head what I was going to say to Dan. “ it was a onetime thing I can’t keep doing it I love Keith and you love Karen or at least I know Karen loves you and I can’t keep doing this to my sister and to my boyfriend it was a mistake“ I kept practicing that in my head over and over again but it was like the words escaped my brain when I see him standing there.

All I could think about was kissing him. Running my fingers through his perfect hair. I took a breath trying to remember what I was going to say to him. “Luca you came?” Dan spoke spotting me. I snapped out of my thoughts and walked over to him “yea I thought we needed to talk” I spoke and walked over to him.

before I could say anything to Dan, and he swiped me up and pulled me to him and kissed me. I just didn’t have the strength to pull away I didn’t need physical strength I needed emotional strength something I was severely lacking. How was I going to weasel my way out of this I started it I’m going to have to deal with the consequences.

When Dan finally pulled away, I shook my head. “That can’t happen again nothing can happen between us ever again I love Keith and you love Karen neither of us want to jeopardize that do we?” I spoke my lower lip quiver as if I was afraid or something. “Who said either of us would have to give up or jeopardize anything? it's for only us to know it be our little secret remember.” Dan smirked as if he didn’t have a care in the world about anything. Seeing his face just made my blood boil but it also made my heart melt what was wrong with me?

I hated myself for not being able to tell Dan no for not being able to resist his charm he was just a boy. I don’t know how to avoid it I’ve been in love with him since I knew what love was and he was amazing. He made me feel different not necessarily better, but I don’t know how to explain it Keith was going to find out I just knew it and Dan would most likely be the one to tell him he always wanted to get the last word in with his brother. How satisfying would it be for Dan to say well I’ve been sleeping with your girl. I didn’t trust him should be an easy choice for me drop Dan tell Keith the truth and hope he forgives me, right? No!

I wish that’s what I did I wish I could stand here and tell you that’s what I did that I did the right thing, but I did the opposite I did the wrong thing I went home with Dan that night and we tumbled into the bed together got all tangled up in the sheets. his grip on my hips his hand pulling my hair the way it felt when he kissed me when he bit my neck the adrenaline rush, I got when I realized I had to hide all the hickeys everything about Dan Scott made me feel alive and I hated myself for it.