Secretly In Love With You

Chapter 1 - Unsaid Thoughts

Blaire Nightly POV

Being in love with someone who doesn't even know you is the most hurting feelings in the world. You always see his face, his smiles, his friendly gestures to everyone, and his mesmerizing eyes. But, all you can do is to watch him from afar, cause you know you're just a mere nobody while he's a great somebody. 

Yes, I am referring to myself. I am in love with someone who doesn't even know me, oops... I'm wrong. Let me rephrase it. I am in love with someone who doesn't remember me at all. Or, worse, who doesn't even know me at all. 

I am  Blaire Nightly. I am 19 years old. I am a naive girl. I love reading books, especially novels that has a happy ending. Playing guitar and writing songs, putting all my deepest feelings through songs. These are the things that I really love. Yes, you can say that I am a hopeless romantic. I am still waiting for that someone to notice me even just for a second... But I think it's impossible. 

He's the most popular guy in our university. He has everything that every girl dreams: popularity, looks, intelligence, attitudes. Everything about him is perfect. 

I met him before when I was still in high school. He was my first guy friend. I don't like getting close to guys before, but, when I met him my views got changed all of a sudden. He was very kind and a caring friend to me. He's always there when in times of trouble. He never left me alone even once. That time, I could feel something in my heart. Something that I couldn't figure out. I thought it's just nothing, but day by day, I just found myself feeling so incredibly happy when I'm with him and feeling so lonesome when he's not there.

It's too late when I realized that I was already in love with him. I didn't get the chance to tell him how I feel. Cause, that time, he's already popular. I couldn't get closer to him anymore. Our friendship wasn't working. Though he still tried his best to be with me, but still, his fangirls always following him wherever he goes. That's why, he decided to stay away from me, cause he said that he doesn't wants to see me being bullied by his fangirls. I was hurt that time, cause it seems like he's just showing that he couldn't stand with me anymore. He couldn't protect me anymore. Besides, how could someone like me being so special when in fact I was and I am a nobody while he's a somebody. From that day on until now, we never talk, we never see each other and we never ever said "hi" or "hello ". I was alone for so long, until when I reach in college, I've met my crazy friend, Allison Willows. She's the only friend I have until now. Without her, I am so damn lonely. 

It's the first day of my junior year in college. I am not that so excited anymore. The routine is just the same as before. 

I was in the hallway walking when I heard girls screaming.

" Oh my gosh!! He's here! "

" Where?? What the hell?!! He's soooo hot!! " 

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!"

When I tried to look on what they're screaming for, I saw him. Smiling handsomely with his friends. Waving his hands to all the girls he passes by. Girls' screaming even become louder when he walked along the hallway. I was standing absentmindedly when I heard my phone rings. It was Allison calling. I ran immediately to my room without even looking back at him. 

Aaron Carven POV

Being distant with the one you love is the most painful feeling in the world. You want to be with her. You want to talk to her every time you see her. You want to protect her. You want to hold her and never let her go. But, all of these things are just part of my imaginations, it's impossible for me to make these things happen. She's a simple girl while I'm a sophisticated guy. She doesn't like me at all. She's living in a humble-normal life while I'm the opposite, I am living with full of extravagant things ...and, I don't like it. 

I am Aaron Carven. I am 20 years old. You can say I'm lucky cause I have these things that normal guys don't have, but, I'm gonna say you're wrong. I may have luxury, extravagance, popularity and all, but these things are all useless for me. I may have these things but I don't have the girl that I am dreaming and wishing for. I can't be with her. Because of these, I lost her. I wasn't able to protect her. I was a damn asshole for leaving her like that. I was so stupid for doing that to her. Until now, I am still blaming myself for what had happened. 

Watching her from afar really kills me. She's so lonely that time, I know she really needed me. But, instead of wiping her tears away, I let her cried. I miss her so much, that day and night I can't stop thinking about her. Is she reading right now? Is she happy right now? Did she miss me also? Arrgghh!! I hate myself! It's really all my fault.

It's a first day of my junior year in college. As usual when I arrived, girls are screaming and others are shivering. I don't like it. I don't like that kind of girls. They look so desperate, and it's so annoying.

"Hey, dude! What's up? " Kelly Arable, my best friend approaches me. 

"Hey. " I replied lazily. 

"What's with the face? You should be happy ! It's your time of the year dude " he said teasingly. 

"Shut up! You know I always hate this " I said. 

"Oh C'Mon! The way you smile makes the good girls go bad. Haha!"

"Asshole! " I just laugh with Kelly.

Then a moment later some of my basketball teammates come over and we directly walked to the hallway. As usual, girls are shouting and screaming. I swear, it's so freaking boisterous! I just pretend to wave to those girls who look like desperate housewives and saying hello to them. Nobody knows that I am totally pissed off. When we were walking along the hallway, someone caught my attention. I saw her. The girl that I dream to be with. She's looking at us but unlike all the other girls, she didn't care. I was taken aback when I saw her. It seems like someone's calling on her phone cause she directly answered it and ran immediately without even looking back at me. I feel so down. Watching your love running away from you and you can't even try to stop her from running. 

Lencey Nightley

When I arrived at the classroom, I eventually sit beside Allison.

"what took you so long?" Allison asked curiously.

"sorry, I've woke up so late this morning and there are so many people at the gate that I can't hardly passed by."

"you saw him, don't you?" Allison's looking straightly to my eyes that it seems like she's reading me.

"who?" I asked trying to look innocent even though I know who she's talking about.

"stop acting like you don't know who I am talking about Lencey , it won't work on me anymore. I knew you for how many years. So please.. You can't hide from me anymore."

Yeah, she was so right. She knew me more than I knew myself.

"fine, fine . Okay, I saw him ... Again" I said while looking down.

She knew that I was hurting again. I just can't control myself from hurting, cause every time I see him, every time I see his handsome face, my feelings for him grew every single day and part of it is a hurtful feeling cause I know I can never catch his heart.

" Lencey, you've been suffering because of that guy. Why can't you just move on? "

I was frozen after hearing what Allison had just said. She's right, it's been so long that I've been hurting because of that guy. He's always in my heart even though there were many reasons for me to forget him.. But still, it leaves me no choice.

" you know I've tried a million times, but still .. I can't ." I said sadly.

Maybe Allison felt sorry cause she moved closer to me and hugged me tightly.

" I'm sorry Lencey. So sorry, I shouldn't told you that. I know how hard to forget someone whom you really loved from the very start. I'm so stupid of saying that to you"

"Hey, don't be sorry. You know what, I should be the one who will be thankful to you" I said while smiling genuinely

I could see in Allison's face the confusion , so I told her.

" Maybe before, I'm not doing all my very best that's why I can't move on. Maybe this time, if I'll try a little bit harder, maybe I can absolutely move on. Besides, I'm so tired of loving someone who can never love me back."

Allison's face glows and her eyes got brighter. And finally, she said something that left me so confuse.

"you want me to help you?"

"huh?" 

Then she ran away.

Aaron Carven

"oh geez ! I forgot that we're no longer on a block section , right?" Kelly keeps on talking and asking but still my mind was very far away that's why I just kept on saying "yeah" and "maybe" 

"dude, you're absentminded again!"

"oh sorry! What is it again?" 

" uhh.. Never mind. " Kelly acts as if like he's hurting

"hey.. Sorry, I was just thinking for something"

" really? Is it really something ? Or a someone?" he grinned

" shut up dude! " I said defensively

" no one knows, since we're no longer on a block section, maybe the heavens will grant your dream to be the same section as that girl " 

" what are you talking about? How many times do I have to tell you that I don't like that Cassie girl you introduced me. She will never be my type dude." 

"I'm not referring to her. I'm referring to your forever dream girl , Delencey Nightley"

I was speechless. I really forgot. Totally forgot that we are no longer on a block section anymore since we're already on a junior year. So, there will be a possibility that we can classmates on some subjects. What should I do if ever that will happen? I'm not prepared. I really don't know what to do.

"you're nervous, aren't you? Hahaha!" kelly laughed as if like there's no tomorrow.

"don't worry, I feel like this will be a good year for you. I'll make sure with it" he added.

"If you're thinking about stupidity again, then right now I tell you to stop it already." I said seriously

"don't you trust me? I'm your best friend dude."

" I do trust you, but I don't trust your stupidity." 

" hahaha! You're gonna thank me for this." he said lively

Sometimes, I don't understand Kelly. He can be so enthusiastic. He can also be so stupid.

While we were looking for our room for the Literature subject, we saw one of our team mate who happens to have the same schedule as ours.

"hey dude, where's our Literature room?" kelly asked 

"there, at Room 355" the guy answered

"okay thanks dude" kelly said lively

I was looking around when I noticed that Lencey's friend Allison was looking shockingly at us. When I caught her attention, she immediately ran going back to the room 355. And at that very moment, something hit me. 

Lencey and I are classmates! What should I do?!! 

Lencey Nightley

I was surprised when I saw Allison going back in the classroom with a horrible face.

"what's wrong with you? Where have you been? Hey! What happened?" I asked with full of concern. She's still catching her breathe when she answered me, and her answer made my world stopped.

"Aaron Carven is gonna be here"

I was so speechless. It seems like my brain stops working and my blood stops running in my body. I can't believe it! How could this be happen?!

"you're kidding right?" this was all I could say

"do you think I'm kidding? Do you think I look horrible when I joke around?" Allison said seriously

"this can't be .... Happening" I said almost like a whisper.

Before I could utter another word, Someone open the door and as I've thought girls are shouting and screaming. 

"kyaaaa... Can't believe this! Oh my gosh! He's our classmate! This is heaven! "

" Am I pretty? "

"back off! He's mine! "

Seriously? This girls are so desperate! I wonder if Aaron likes this kind of girls.

I was still out of myself, when Allison poke me. 

"hey, are you okay? "

I didn't answered her, instead I looked at the direction where he was sitting with his friends. And there, I saw the guy whom I love from the very start. The guy who caught my heart. 

He look so uncomfortable. I don't know why. It seems like he's thinking for some thing and he looks so bothered. 

I was still in a deep thinking when Allison snaps her fingers in front of me.

" Don't be like that, he might notice you that you're still into him. "

" sorry " that's all I could say. 

Honestly, I really don't know what to do. I never dreamed this kind of thing. I'm trying to move on right now but, this unexpected thing happened and I felt so helpless. 

How can I move on in this situation? I'm pretty sure that there will be a very big possibility that we will really talk with each other . Of course, he's my classmate after all. It's so rude if I'm not gonna talk to him, besides, maybe he already moved on. I was the only one being imprisoned from the past. I should move on and let go about everything. 

This is it. I'll just go with the flow. Just let it be. 

Aaron Carven

Here I am in the room with Kelly. And just like before, girls are shouting and I swear I really want to throw these annoying girls somewhere I can't see and hear them. But, I'm not like that. 

Right now, I'm so bothered that I really feel so uncomfortable. I know she's there and I know she's shock. I know she really hated me for leaving her before. I regret everything what I had done before. There's only one wish I have right now, I wish that she'll forgive me.

Our professor arrived and everyone's quite. Then she speaks. 

" since today is our first day, we're gonna have our first activity. This is not a difficult activity. It's just all about your opinions. "

Everyone remains silent. 

" we're gonna have a debate. And this is our topic... Love. The thing is how can you say if you truly love that person. Ready? "

"what a nice topic dude. Haha! It really fits on you " Kelly said enthusiastically 

However, Miss Clyde added. 

"another thing class, boys and girls should be separate. So there should be one representative for each group. So guys, discuss it with your group first and then after 5 minutes, let's start our debate."

"who will be our speaker? " one of my classmates asked. 

I was just sitting quietly when Kelly suddenly talk.

"Aaron will be our speaker, he's a Deans Lister after all. "

"yeah! Absolutely ."

" I'm sure we're gonna win. "

They all agreed that I will be their speaker. I really looked at Kelly with a what-the-hell-did-you-do look. And as expected from Kelly, he just smile mischievously. 

After five minutes, Miss Clyde announced that we're gonna start the debate. The speakers should stand by every side. 

"okay, who will be the speaker for the boys category? " Miss Clyde asked. 

"Aaron Carven Ma'am. " Kelly said cheerfully. He's really annoying sometimes, but still he's a good friend. 

Okay. How 'bout the girls? "

My world stops when I see the girl standing right in front of me. It's Lencey. 

" wow! I feel like this will be a very interesting debate, since both Dean's Lister are the speakers. " 

I looked at her. I just figure out how beautiful she is. She's even more beautiful right now. Her tantalizing eyes is still the same, it's still full of mystery. She still looks so innocent as before. Everything's the same as before, even my feelings for her is still the same. 

She's not looking at me, she's paying attention to Miss Clyde while I kept on staring at her. I was distracted when Miss Clyde spoke. 

"Mr. Carven, don't stare at Miss Nightley too much, she might melt " 

Everyone laughed except her. She just looked down, maybe because she feels embarrassed. 

"Okay, Ms. Nightley will be the one to speak first "

She nodded at Miss Clyde and then start speaking. 

"I can say if I really love that person if I can't live without him. I can't stop thinking about him. If he's always in my heart and mind every single day of my life. He's the one I've still longing for even the years go by. And, I can't dare to leave him alone especially if he's in a situation that he needed me the most. " 

I was frozen from what I've heard from her. She's looking directly to my eyes while saying those words. It seems like those words are knives striking me back to back. I can feel her emotions with those words. I can feel the despondent feeling. 

"Mr. Carven, you're turn " Miss Clyde said 

"I can say if I really love that person if I am willing to let go of her. Even it hurts for me, I will endure it just for her. I'd rather let go of her than keeping her stay with me when I know that she's not safe with me anymore. I want her to be happy even if she's not with me anymore, as long as she's just safe. I'm fine with it. " Just like what she did, I was also looking at her directly to her eyes. 

" You don't love her. Why? It's because you think she's not safe with you, then why can't you just protect her. You think letting her go is the best way, but you know what, you are just showing that you're a coward. Do you think she'll be happy after leaving her just like that? Of course not! Especially if that person is already attached with you for so long. Your presence is very important for her, but still you followed your principle and because of that, she's totally broken. "

I'm a coward. That's it. She's right. I'm a coward for letting her go. But, everything has a reason so I told her this. 

"call me coward, stupid or anything you want to call me, I don't care. There's a reason for everything. I can't dare to see her being hurt by other people because of me. I don't want to be the reason for her sufferings. I can protect her, but how bout the times when I'm not with her? Do you think I could still protect her? She'll be bullied by other people and I can't forgive myself if something bad happened to her. That's why, as long as possible I want to save her from that situation. "

I could see in her eyes that she's surprised of what I've said. I know she knows what I'm talking about. 

" so that's your point. But, is it also part of your plan that even though she's not surrounded with the bully people, you still ignored her? Is it also part of your plan? So that she'll not get hurt? " 

Now I know, we're not doing a debate anymore, we're talking about our pasts. 

" I felt so guilty, I was afraid that she might not accept me anymore. After all the things that I've done. I'm afraid to see her cry again because of me. " I said. I could feel that she's very lonesome. Melancholy covers her face.

" you're not just a coward, you're also selfish. " she said. I know she's fighting back her tears, and I hate myself seeing her like that because of me.

"okay, the debate's over . But , can I ask something to the two of you? " Miss Clyde is now looking meaningfully to us. 

Both of us nodded. 

" Is there something going on between the two of you ? "

I was about to answer when Lencey speaks. 

"No Ma'am. "

"Okay, so far, I learned something and I discover something about the two of you " Miss Clyde smiled at us. And I know there's something about that smile. 

After that debate, (well I'm not sure if that's still a debate ) our Literature subject was done. 

I looked at her again. She's smiling, but I feel like there's a hidden emotion behind those smiles. Something blue and vague.

Lencey Nightley

I love Literature, but I don't love what had happened earlier. All the things that I've said were all true. I did it on purpose, I want him to know how much I was hurt for leaving me. I could feel it that he feels guilty about what happened, but still , it didn't made me feel better. I know, he only feels sorry for me cause I was his friend, nothing more nothing less. 

I was busy fixing my things when Allison poke me and said. 

"Lencey, he's staring at you. "

" stop playing Allison, it isn't funny. "

" I'm not playing Delencey, I'm telling the truth. See for yourself ."

Whenever she calls me Delencey I know she's serious. Out of my curiosity, I looked where he was standing and to my surprise our eyes met. 

It's not the same as before, the beating of my heart becomes even more louder and faster. I could feel the tension between us. Unexpectedly, he walked towards us. Before, he could reach our place I took my bag and immediately went outside. 

"Allison see you later ." then I ran away. I didn't wait Allison to utter another word, besides she understands me. That's why I love her. 

I went to the library, I still have 30 minutes before my next subject. This is my usual spot. I always stay here for how many hours. I can feel tranquility over here. I am always at the right corner of the library. This place is little bit hidden because of the bookshelves. But still, I prefer to stay here and read , this is my happiness. 

I was reading earnestly when someone came. I didn't mind that person cause I thought it's just some of the librarians. They knew already that is my usual spot so I just continue reading without even looking who's that person. To my surprise, that someone sat beside me. And when I looked at that person, I was totally shocked to see Aaron Carven sitting beside me. 

" sorry, did I disturb you? " he asked. 

I could see that he's also surprised seeing me. Maybe he doesn't know that I'm that girl. 

" No, it's fine. " I said .

I was so surprised and I really don't know what to do. I feel like I was being drown in the ocean that I find myself hard to breathe. What should I do? Should I talked to him? Should I walk away? After what happened in the Literature class, it's very awkward that I really want to--

" I'm sorry, it feels like I really disturb you. " he suddenly said that made me stop from my thinking.

" No, its totally fine. Besides, it's time for my next subject , so you can stay here if you want to. " I said while getting my books and without looking at him. 

He didn't said anything. I could see in my peripheral vision that he's looking at me. Silence covers the atmosphere, and that silence made me feel like I wanna hide myself from him. It's a very awkward silence and I hate it. 

His presence made my whole body shivers in a different way. I feel my sweat in my forehead and my clumsy hands are starting to shake involuntarily that made the things I hold keep on falling.

Arrghh!! Delencey why can't you just act normal ! I thought to myself.

After fixing my things, I took my bag and hurried to walk. But, before I could take another step he said something that made me stop.

" I'm sorry Lencey "

I could feel the sincerity when he said those words. It's like he's begging for forgiveness. My heart beats louder after hearing those words from him. But then, I tried my best to act normal as I could. And, without turning back at him and without saying anything I walked away.

I know, I'm being hypocrite cause what I'm doing is totally opposite on what actually my heart tells me to do. It's just that, I don't want to expect something from him cause I know I'll be the one who will suffered at the end.

The truth is, I really wanna hug him so tight and tell him how much that I miss him. I miss the way he says my name. I miss the way he looks at me mysteriously in the eyes,that even now I wasn't able to figure out why he looked at me that way before. But then, it's really hard to escape from the reality. And, reality really hurts.

Aaron Carven

I was so surprised when I figured out that it was Lencey who's reading at the right hidden corner of the library. I really thought it's just some random girl who sits there just to feel bored , but then I was wrong. 

The moment I figure out that it was her, I was speechless and I don't know what to do. I was out of myself at that very moment, and all I could do was acting stupid infront of her. 

I couldn't find any words to tell her anything. My mind was still awestruck and at the same time nervous.

I know, she feels very awkward to be there with me. Besides, I totally understand. After all those years that I left her alone and lonely, she has the right to dislike me, even if it hurts.

Before she could walked farther I gathered all my strength to say something .

" I'm sorry Lencey. "

I don't know why those words were the ones came out from my mouth. I just followed what my heart and mind wants to say.

It made her stopped. I could see her body got frozen, but still, she's not looking back at me. I heard her sigh and then she just walked away without even turning back at me.

It hurts. Really hurts. For the second time around, she walked away again and I couldn't do anything to stop her.

Or maybe I was just coward to do anything for her. Maybe.

I'm a stupid coward. She's right, I'm coward and selfish. If only I could turn back the time, maybe she's still with me.

I didn't stayed long at the library. I just found myself walking to the cafeteria.

"dude, what's with the face again? You look like you've just lost something?" Kelly said while biting his sandwich

"yeah, I lost something" I said out of nowhere.

I don't know, these days I say something so unusual. Or maybe I'm just thinking out loud.

"you're spacing again dude! Seriously, you're making me feel nervous." Kelly said with a serious tone.

" I saw her at the library. "

" ooohhkayyy... Now I know, why you're acting like that. So, did you say something? " he asked curiously

This is what I like about Kelly being my best friend, cause even though he's stubborn and stupid sometimes when he knows that something's bothering me, he's always there to listen and sometimes giving me advice.

" I told her I'm sorry. "

" that's it ? " he asked with an unsatisfiable look. 

" what else do I have to say? I really don't know " I said hopelessly after heaving a sigh. 

" dude I know you're smart, but you know what, sometimes you need to break that head of yours to know what is the right thing to do. "

" I know that I've done something so wrong to her, that's why I said sorry "

" do you think it's enough? Do you think you can make things right with just a single sorry? " 

I was taken aback with Kelly's words, it's like a wake up call for me in order to see what's right. 

" sorry isn't enough Aaron, you need to make effort to make up the mess you made before. It will be hard for you in the first place, believe me it's still worth it. It's better to try and give your best to get something so important to you than doing nothing. " He added. 

Seriously, I am earnestly looking at Kelly right now, I just want to make sure if this is really him. I mean, the stupid Kelly just suddenly gone with the wind. 

"why are you looking at me like that as if like I'm a ghost? " finally, he observed my reaction. 

"I'm just wondering where did you throw the stupid Kelly? " 

" jerk! Hahaha! I know how to be serious, you know. But if you want me to be crazily stupid I'm so fine with it. Haha! " and then he leaned closer to me and whispered something. 

" I saw some freakishly-gorgeous girls, I'm sure you'll love them. " 

And that I hit his arm playfully, and he replied with a crazy laugh. A usual laughter you can hear from Kelly Arable. 

Honestly, his words were like a key, opening my odd mind. I'll do anything to win Lencey back. No matter what it takes.