WHERE DID I GO WRONG

WHERE DID I GO WRONG

CHAPTER 1

I attentively gazed at her she looked high and dry with a little misty in her eyes, she was this time looking defenseless with an impenetrable disguised smile on her face I was out there for her in the bedroom. She has been sleeping with me ever since she fell sick claiming that she wanted dad not to be fazed with anything and have him sleep in peace.

Me: Mom we need to take you to the hospital.

Mom: I feel fine baby stop worrying about me.

Me: Mom you are worse than yesterday.

She Chuckled jokingly with a questionable adage saying “who drinks 10 liters of Diesel oil and not get sick?’’ with a slight trembling movement in me, I glanced at her with a low-cut smile then answered, its obviously a large engine motor vehicle not you. She firmly smile back and asked; what would you choose to be, of so many riches with so many problems or have little riches with little problems? I undoubtedly answered I would choose so many problems with so much wisdom.

Mom: I don’t think you got my question right, my question concerns problems and riches?

Me: Look around you, abundance is everywhere, but where is wisdom? I feel money isn’t solving problems as quickly as it should In most cases, our focus on money only makes things worse. People buzz for cash, but yet with little or no concern or interest in the wisdom of creating solutions to problems effectively, or godly principles that can bless our society. Tragically, what many call the good life” often pulls a lot individual away from God and the right choices.

Mom: Until you can walk the talk, you have not gained wisdom, see society demands us to do things in accordance with set standard principals and yes it’s not bad precisely not bad at all, its actually very helpful however to extremely confine yourself to that is limiting yourself because you cannot realize your full potential and what’s outside the box. Serendipitously, It is not helpful to follow set standards principals that you don’t understand otherwise I’m glad you are able to extrapolate issues beyond societal expectations. On a very casual note if I was marking your work on a piece of paper I expect you to explain your answer within the line of considering problems and knowledge, I’m glad your thoughts are extravagantly able to fetch and place what’s right where it should be.

This is my story, my Name is Diana Chama.

My mother worked as a senior most budget analyst in the ministry of finance responsible for helping organizations build their budgets, organize their finances, creating budget reports, monitor governmental spending, produce budget proposals and complete cost-benefit analysis. She had lots of external tenders filtering through funding requests and estimating financial needs of future projects. The government alone offered her federal benefits which accumulated on weekly basis, including free family health insurance and pension plans. She was indeed paid handsomely and oftenly made a good buck out of her extra tenders especially with the job promotions that followed her, I was doubtlessly born with a silver spoon in the mouth. Her work really satisfied her career ambitions, She indeed had a perfect work-life balance with her government career that offered her a flexible schedule which included part-time opportunities, remote work options and an untraditional schedule. In most cases, she was given federal holidays off work. This flexibility helped her achieve a work-life balance that supported her personal life and the extended family.

One thing for sure the financial stability of mom and my step dad wasn’t failing anything materialistic perhaps incidences like being unable to afford hospital bills, I can attest that my family afforded to go to almost every best and highly ranked hospitals in our country including most in overseas. My step father had lots of huge profit making companies to afford bills in various aspects of Social life not forgetting also that he himself owned two well doing private hospitals. He was a very well know man with lots of friends in high places and in low places too, however, my mom was definitely one not to doubt, an elegant woman centrally in higher places very well connected to people on her level and above, well known by lots in low places too. Certainly I couldn’t just understand why so then did this woman made hesitations to be taken to expensive hospitals with experienced doctors.

My biological father was a retired military personnel I was the only child born from him and mom. I had no siblings except brothers and sisters that were later sought from my step mom and step father after my parents separated. Repercussions of having a bullying dad who is extremely strict and vicious on the kids and the spouse are extremely regrettable, my father was such a bully one with usual provocative remarks on anyone without minding their age. He was a teacher by professional then later on joined the army where he was voluntary retired for misconduct. He made the family live under constant sense of fear and dissatisfaction with his bullying and strict rules for he took every opportunity taking shots at mom and everyone at home. He ensured the strictest control, he spent most of his time intimidating whoever was around him. Personally had a feel sense of being enslaved by him because he always brought in an environment which was not conducive to openness, fair play and debate. I felt constrained in many ways because of the lack of freedom and a constant stream of orders becoming rammed on my throats.

He established several strict rules but one which chocked me most was “not going out of the gate to anywhere for anything unless if it was school” and he intently meant that. I admired so much to socialize with people in the community and around, unfortunately it was not the thing in my case. He did not trust his engagement with other family members he would constantly ask questions and create an environment of fear and anxiety by not letting people express themselves freely in a democratic fashion. His style of operation was mostly dictatorial but then he expected respect and cooperation which was blind in nature from his family members for he did not give adequate room for members of the family to express their individuality. In a natural way their opinions and views often got stifled.

The pattern of a***e in him resulted in cases of mistreatment severally and In most cases I wondered if really he was my biological father, here and then I had to inquire from mom if really he was my own father and for sure she proved enough he was but then there's always a fine line between funny and annoying – and it's exactly the width of a quotation mark.

A day came when he arrived from where he’d gone. In a very indignant and nettled voice he asked me, ‘‘where is your mom!?” just from the sound of his voice I was already palpitating, I totally had no idea where mom went but the way he was so demanding in his inquisition as if me and mom had made a cooperate arrangement intended to promote a mutual interest, otherwise the only answer I was firmly sure of is ‘I don’t know,’ I honestly still wonder how rude that response sounded.

Dad: “I’m done with your bullshit!

In his frustration, he took it to himself to slap me right then and there on the face, agonized and confused as I got he went ahead beating me with every piece of element he could get hold of until I lost consciousness. I don’t know for how long and how many times I passed out perhaps the time my eyes were open, I was in a different place, my mom was sitting on a bed next to where I slept, “looks like a different home hood” I whispered to myself and wondered where we could be, a big house with clean white walls, I’m lying on a twin bed with sliding closet opposite the bed and on top is a bedroom rammed television, walls and ceilings covered with mirrors polished wood floors with beautiful high arched windows that allowed light to flood in the room. It was a new house with quite different looks, how quick. Mom had already filled for divorce, it certainly sounded wonderful and really it was but how she expeditiously managed to have ourselves relocate in a blank minute is still mysterious.

I asked mom about dad, she then told me I informed the authorities about his misconduct a long ago he must be experiencing something he deserves currently, as she spoke I felt emotional and begged her not to take it that far I hoped dad could change and realize that I needed to feel his love as a father, mom firmly refused to ever have him near and kept emphasizing that constant reiteration of mistakes isn’t a mistake no more, “no one should be best and comfortable at making mistakes. He has already been seen abusing the power and privilege that comes with the marriage and fail to realize that every member in the family is equal in ensuring the long-term sustainability of the family he is definitely going to pay a price for his conduct.”

I couldn’t bear not asking why then did she got married to him in the first place. She told me ‘He wasn’t like that baby, he has totally changed to a all wolf in a man this man has changed and I feel the reason behind his abhorrent behavior is attributed to his past life or his harsh upbringing which might be along the same lines, I wondered and asked, ‘’you have just mentioned his harsh upbringing, am I likely to be the same when am grown too?” Mom astonishingly looked at me, then added “No, we are all to a large extent conditioned by our beliefs and attitudes created by the atmosphere in which we grow up, people might be constrained in a wrong way in the early years of their mental development and upbringing but choices we make bears most influence in our lives. Always near in mind that parents may be abusive towards each other and try to pick up fights over petty issues while trying their best bringing their kids along in some other best morals they would love to see them in and their lines of expectations. It’s mostly not deliberate that parents would a***e you and physically treat you that way, see if at times and in some cases some of these dads and moms exhibit psychopathic behavior which might be disruptive then it shouldn’t be something to go un-attended to by relevant authorities. And more especially in cases were they are not adjusting but always being argumentative, otherwise if taken lightly the all thing ends up in bitter battles, fights and extreme a***e. You are in safer hands I’m upright and I haven’t equally turned to be like him, I needed to sacrifice in order for the affected persons to sustain.”

Me: so what about those children in cases were both of them parents are similar in their outlook of abusive behavior?

Mom: then it creates a vicious atmosphere for the family to operate under. Usually, the children would bare the brunt of the mistakes of the family and turn to look for some kind of emotional support from neighbors, streets and usually end up in undesirable state so if it’s not both when a mother or father finds the other partner abusive and unrelenting it’s wise that they ton down to establish the bond of trust with their children and try to subside the situation to ensure that the situation does not go out of hand.

Me: is it what you just did?

Mom: yes

Me: well I understand but I will still miss my,

I didn’t even finish my statement then his name was mentioned on the main news headlines, the news reporter went ahead reporting “A 26-year old man is appearing in the Mongu Magistrate court for assaulting his own 6years old daughter, the man is charged with one count of Assault on a Child contrary to section 248 A Chapter 87 of the Laws of Zambia. Particulars of the offence are that on February 4, 1982, Aron Chama assaulted her occasioning her with bodily harm by vicious slaps, whipping the minor with a metal chain and a wooden stick after he suspected her of hiding her mom’s movements. Aron was arrested by the Zambia Police after his wife reported the incident. Aron has entered a plea of not guilty and Magistrate has since adjourned the matter to February 25 1982 for trial. The prosecution has lined up five witnesses including the minor and his mother to testify against Aron while the accused is in police custody.”

Me: did you just see that, mom is that how far you went, what if is given a sentence?

Mom: look at you, you are there whimpering because of him and you still want to act with superiority. Darling when it comes to life, we spin our own yarn and where we end up is really in fact where we always intended to be but fate is like a strange unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.

A month later, It was judgement day, The judge presided over the case from his bench on an elevated platform. My father readily pleaded guilty to the offence. In the Judge’s words ‘’Facts before court were that on February 4, 1982, around 20:00 hours Aron Chama assaulted his daughter by lashing her with smacks, a metal chain and a long rigid wooden stick after her failure to explain where her mother was. The victim sustained cuts on the face and around her body from the beating henceforth, in my final rulings I hereby slap a sentence on Aron Chama of four years with hard labor.”

In mitigation my father pleaded with the court to exercise leniency on him as he claimed he was not in his right mind. He further affirmed that he still loved mom and me, thinking rationally that him and mom had a covenant not to separate by stating that sending him to jail would break their covenant but in passing judgement the Magistrate noted that the offence of Gender Based Violence (GBV) and Child a***e that my father had committed was very serious and needed a custodial sentence for him to reform. “You can’t claim to love someone and still beat them like you did, I hope you will learn something from the custodial sentence and change to a better person when you come out,” The Magistrate said.

3 years later and I’m now 15 years old, we are In a family anniversary party for my mom and my step dad, it’s a bit extended family this time with people from different walks of life family and friends. Mom stands up with all smiles and starts explaining how she feels appreciated and how she met my step dad who has really managed to put extra smiles on our faces.

Mom: ”well we were at a workmates wedding 3am after attending three different birthdays, including one in a private room with free flowing drinks. So it’s fair to say, I was very intoxicated with little confidence when I locked eyes with my future husband, we stood there smiling at one another for a few minutes but as neither any of us was actually taking the next step of approaching one another. This was not our first time meeting we’ve had many encounters that prompted a bond of affirmation but this one was eminent. My friend/work mate took matters into her own hands and quite literally pushed me across the room to him.” After saying this, she chuckled for a while then continued explaining with smiles, “I wish you all find your missing libs genuinely without thinking a little intoxication will help you through otherwise you may end up dragging yourself into addiction,” we all laughed then she smiled at us once more, she went on “My drunken self made quite the impression by asking why he hadn’t kissed me yet (about two minutes in) and showing off my impressive high kicks. He called me goofy, which honestly was accurate, a sign that he’d actually been listening to the bits of me shine through my drunken rambles and a really nice change from the compliments he then said openly in a soothing voice, I’m not one among guys who just want to sleep with you like to seal their pretentious affections, I headed to my conference table without confirmation of any sort over his remarks. On the way out of the conference room I decided that a walkover in the alleyway was appropriate and apparently I was right. The following day he showed up at about 4pm to take me out for dinner here we are and the rest is history.”

“Of the first magnitude, I reckon when me and my husband were getting married. I looked, wholesome, “girl next door” type. He was worried that I, and his other good friend would do something stupid, or pull a practical joke that might embarrass his soon to be wife during the wedding, so we we’re sternly warned to be on our best behavior. Or else!!”

After mom’s explanation on her wedding right there in the anniversary I had to reckon the event too, it was truly an highlighting moment. I remember when her wedding began, we took our places on the stairs leading up to the dais and sat respectfully watching the ceremony perfectly reverent. As we sat there, we casually glanced over at the bridesmaids who were across from us on the steps, and noticed one of them was slightly swaying. We continued to watch as her swaying became more pronounced, and then she proceeded to fall over like a fresh cut tree right between the bride and groom.

Total chaos ensued, but we continued to sit stoically as directed, for some reason I was un-perturbed about the scenario. After a brief pause to take in the moment some usher stepped up, picked up the still unconscious young lady and carried her to a side room where she was treated and soon recovered. The bride and groom were announced as husband and wife and walked together out of the church. Happy ending we are here celebrating their 2 years old marriage.

A roof over our head we were in this time was totally a different home place with lots of peace, everyday I woke up I felt contented and happy. I did not worry about my health or hunger because I knew if something goes wrong, someone will help to notice it before I do. Someone will ask me if I want to eat, someone will help to do the washing and laundry I barely did house chores, I slept like a pig because I knew I was safe. I wasn’t the oldest child this time I had two elder brothers from my step dad Tom and Ben and two young sisters Joy and Jess. Tom was the eldest, older than me by four years and we were almost of the same age with Ben despite him being slightly older than me by days then Joy and Jess were twins roughly five years old by then. Severally mom kept her brothers and sisters children like her own. She was just that way moreover her being the bread winner in her family of twelve she took that as a privilege. I together with my brothers and sisters from my mother’s side made a kinship group of about sixteen family members but here and then of course we had regular visitors and occasional visits from family members within and outside Mongu.

The next day Saturday after the anniversary ceremony we were all together as a family In the living room telling stories while some were on a table having a late night meal.

Me: “I might call it my last supper with you guys till I’m back,”

I had just past my senior primary exams proceeding to my high school, mom and dad prepared and arranged that I should go to Lukona secondary boarding school. Despite Lukona not being my first boarding school I was anxious and curious about the fourth coming event. I was previously at a boarding school in my junior secondary from my 8th to my 9th grade but then this time around it was different, this time around I was going to be in a co- boarding school encompassed with boys and girls unlike where I was previously which was strictly a girls school.

I was so worried about how I was successfully going to blend in and mingle with boys, I was barely 16 years old and yet never at once had myself committed neither to any sort of affectional relationship nor had any male friends, I was so naïve yet with none much curiosity to venture in commitments.

I felt so uncomfortable amidst boys more especially if we are not relatives, I use to be more scared of proposals from them as I felt I may not find proper words to reject them if I don’t like them or they’ll get angry, that was my fear moreover there was always a small voice in my mind lingering, it was particularly moms’ when she once told me “you should be scared of boys, they’re unpredictable, they always do stupid things to impress girls, Just be careful with them,ok. You don’t want to be seen as a s**t because not every guy wants a relationship with you and be serious about it. A quiet number of them will want to sleep around for a one night stand because here and then a woman looks pretty buxom, flimsy, tenuously young and so fourth.”

The same night after our supper, I had to make sure everything was packed, and thoroughly checkout what was not packed as the school provided a comprehensive list of items that were needed to be carried In addition to what was required I had to also add my own items that were of so much need. This included; my diary for writing during those quieter moments, my favorite chocolate, bars pictures of my family as I knew I’m going to miss them a lot, clippings and some nice wrapping paper to decorate the pin board whilst hoping I would find one. Got my bathrobe to keep me warm and my favorite cosy fleece blanket.

I prepared my small bag and put sandwiches, juice and water for the move. I went to sleep early to wake up early to be full of energy on the journey.

Early in the morning I jumped on my moms new land cruiser 79 series, I did not go with her she’d booked a driver to take me, we were the three of us in vehicle together with the school sports supervisor madam Racheal who happened to be close friends with mom and stayed near our place. We started off, the suspension optimized for both comfort and load-carrying capacity. All in all its stylish instrument panel tuned with the hazard and clock at the top, the driver clearly stated “check this out, in less than 3hours will be there.” We set out on the road, there was higher quality in every detail. I noticed a tilt-adjustable, telescoping steering wheel which allowed finer adjustments to maximize driving comfort. Talk of the bottle holders, it was for these that I managed to pull out a sizeable juice bottle that kept optimizing my heart pace.

The driver displayed a documentary about the district and the school where I was going at, it was a 247km distance. Ms. Rachael told me about the directions and gave instructions I should follow and how to act in case of lost along the way, she made sure I was acquainted and familiarized with the route in case of anything. She provided emergency numbers and asked me to write them in a paper and keep them safe. It looked brainless and half witted to me because phones were strictly not allowed to carry along, I perhaps wondered why then should I keep any numbers with me.

We had only covered about a hundred kilometers from home and I wasn’t thinking I would see anything like this, fast and steady on a wide open road the car started loosing control swerving side to side and each and every swing was wider, the driver tried to pump slowly on the brakes but the car was going too fast for it to stop, it was that moment when I realized we will be crashed. I did not see my life pass in front of my eyes, I just had a few seconds to think in my head ‘’oh’’ and then the car was swinging incompetently, totally projecting itself on the other side lane of the road where it hit frontally the guardrail then on the passengers side and then on the backside, car spun at a high rate of speed then swung again 180 degrees to end up in the original lane. During all the crash that felt like an eternity I gripped hard on the seat belt which was tight on me all I could hear is metal crunching and tires screeching then every air bag in the car goes off as we come to a stop all I could see is all the electrical components in the car flashing and the airbags deflating. I run my hands up and down my body searching for injuries inexplicably there is not a scratch, I presume I only survived because I was small. I crawl out of the wreckage while trying to see the man who came running to our car asking me if I’m ok. He takes me to the other side of the road and tells me that a Land Rover Defender ran a red light and crossed over, hit our car almost head on collision you’re lucky you were wearing your seatbelt. You would have been through the windshield instead of in my ambulance right now.” I look at our car at it’s front end is almost nonexistent and completely smashed almost all the way up to the windshield at that moment I see two occupants crawling out of the wreckage of our car, as I walk towards them they both helplessly manage to exit the car I then consciously realize I was not alone in the car. I recognized Ms. Rachael and the driver are the ones that just got of the vehicle hand holding, both crossing the road to the other side where we were standing, while Ms. Rachael limping with panic and suddenly all from nowhere, the impact sound I will never forget, everything went black and time slowed down as if in extreme slow motion, with my n***d eyes I witnessed a ridiculously fast spin from a Toyota Cressida running over the two every few seconds smashing Into something but still continuing to spin and travelled across two lanes about 300 meters then hit into a giant sequoia in that spin.

I was literally not convinced by what had happened my eyes flared with renewed fury, disbelief made me look twice to ensure my eyes hadn’t gone as crazy as my thoughts. I was completely in gigantic shock.

Our drivers legs were thrashed including his knees, his body structure was totally deformed with broken femurs. Ms. Rachael had her organs severely torn and bruised with broken ribs, her lungs punctured and she had her neck whipped toward the car causing cervical spine injuries.

The two people that were driving a Toyota Cressida came out of the vehicle. The men that had just reached in an ambulance parked at the scene passed chased them but there were not able to catch them. A few moments later, four police officers arrived however the culprits were long gone after the police showed up. Came to find out from the police that they were driving a stolen vehicle.

Woefully Ms. Rachael and the driver passed away a few minutes after being bashed. While weeping I reached out my uniform pocket to get my small notebook were I saved the numbers that were given to me be Ms. Rachael luckily it was still intact, I called mom, she just happened to never get it unfortunately the worse had already happened.

As I’m sitting there filling out the police report a firefighter walks up to me and says “daughter, every other time I’ve seen a car with as much damage as the one you were in there is almost always a fatality, someone was looking out for you”. It was at that moment I realized how lucky I was that I got to see my mom and my family again.

Despite surviving the calamity I was admitted in hospital for a few days as I had severe body pains till I felt fine. I then requested mom that I should get going to school she asked me if I would love to change the school but I insisted to just maintain. Two weeks after the incidence I was taken back and this time we moved just perfectly fine. I was finally at school with most of my friends already friendly with the environment. I was taken around....