The Shadows We Keep

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Matteo's pov

"What do you really do?" Gabriella asked.

We were sitted in the garden, just enjoying the evening. I never would have thought that in all my years, I would sit down in a garden and relax, especially with someone like Gabriella.

"I've told you not to ask me about this." I said, keeping my tone even.

"But I am asking, because I want to know." she insisted, lifting her chin stubbornly. "You want me to trust you, but how can I when I don't even know who you are?"

"You do know who I am. I'm Matteo." I replied, my tone light. "I have told you some things about myself."

"Specific things that can't even hint at the kind of man you really are. I can't trust you, if you don't even trust me enough to be honest with me."

"Gabriella," I said, and reached for her hand, but she must have sensed that because she flinched away immediately.

"I don't trust you." she repeated quietly.

I set my cup down careful, ignoring the sting that came with her words, and actions.

"Gabriella, I've never done anything to make you unsafe. Everything I am doing now is for your best interest, I want to protect you."

She gave a short, humourless laugh. "Protect me, or control me?"

"I'm not your enemy."

"Then tell me the truth."

"It's not that simple. You wouldn't understand."

"Then help me understand." she said softly. "Please, Matteo. I just want to know if it's all in my head. I want you to tell me that you really are a good person."

I scoffed, shaking my head slightly. "Now, that's something I can't lie about. I am not a good person, Gabriella."

"Just tell me everything."

I looked away, staring at the small fountain at the center of the garden. The water gurgled and spelled over at the edges, an endless cycle that somehow mirrored my own life; constantly moving, never clean, never still.

"I can't tell you everything." I admitted. "Not because I don't trust you, but because I don't want to hurt you."

"Matteo...."

"Gabriella." I said, closing my eyes briefly. "I don't want my darkness, tainting your world. You already staring to feel hopeful, and__"

"Hopeful?" she spat it bitterly. "I'm not hopeful, Matteo. I'm just trying to get through each day, each nightmare, each urge to just gut myself open and end it all. You think I can't handle it. You think I can't handle the truth, but I'm not as fragile as you think!"

I glanced at her and sighed. She might have looked determined at that moment, but I knew what she could handle. I should have just kept her at arms length like I planned. But how could I when she effortlessly pulled me into her axis.

"Gabriella," I said finally. "When we met, I told you my family ran a business. It is true, but it's also just a ploy to cover up what we truly do."

She froze, and I could see she was waiting for me to break the news, to tell her what she truly feared.

"I run businesses that aren't clean cut. Most of the aren't even legal. Investments, weapons, favors. Things that obviously don't find in the books."

Her mouth parted slightly, but no words came out.

I continued. "I didn't choose this life. I was born and forced into it. But I don't regret it, because it gave me the power to protect the people I care about."

"Protect them from what?" she whispered.

I met her eyes, even though she couldn't see me. "From people like me."

Her lips trembled slightly. "Are you...are you like the people who.."

"No." I said instantly, my voice hard. "I'm not like them. I don't hurt innocent people."

"But you deal with the people who do." she said, her voice growing colder "You think that makes you better?"

"I think it makes me worse." I said simply. "I'm doing what I have to do to survive."

"Tell me you're not part of the mafia."

I was loosing her. "I'm not. I might live in a shitty world, but I am ot part of the mafia."

Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. "And what am I to you? Am I just a pawn to you?.Did you bring me here to use me as some leverage because of who my father was?"

Her words cut deeper than any blade. Not because of the way her voice cracked when she said it, but because...

"I didn't bring you here to use you." I replied, my voice rough. "I saved out because I could. I saved you because you had the will to live."

She stared at me, and for a moment, I thought maybe she'd understand. But then she shook her head slowly.

"You must think I'm some fool. Poor Gabriella who can't even escape on her own even if she wanted to."

"I do not see you that way."

"I am so sick of people playing god over my life!" she snapped, getting up to her feet. "You think I don't know what it is like being kept in the dark. For f***s sake, I am literally living in darkness!"

I stood up too, towering over her. "I just want to protect you."

"I don't need your protection!" she yelled, her fists balled at her side. "I needed your honesty! I don't need the omitted truths, if there are any!"

I wanted to argue. To pull her into my arm, and tell her I was different, that I had reason behind everything that I have done. But I had already said enough lies, and she knew that too. Instead I remained silent waiting for her to calm down.

"You should have told me." she said, her voice trembling. "You should have told me from the start."

"And you wouldn't have accepted my help."

"Maybe." she admitted, wiping her face with the back of her hand. "But at least it would have been my choice."

I reached out for her hand again, and surprisingly she let me, but it was cold. "You need to know that I would never hurt you."

A tear finally stopped out from my heart, and I felt my throat tighten.

"I don't know that." she whispered and pulled her hand away.

"I need you to trust me."

She took a step back. "No. Trust isn't blind, it's earned."

And there it was, the wall of uncertainty that I almost had a chance of getting through.

I stepped closer to her, slowly, cautiously. "Let me earn it."

"I don't think you can." she said softly, before she picked up her cane that was resting beside her chair. "I can't be around you right now."

And just like that she was heading back into the house, taking careful steps so as not to trip.

Unable to do anything, I watched her as she dissapeared from my sight. And for the fist time since I was a boy, I felt something foreign creep up to my chest: fear.

Not fear of losing a deal, or fear of enemies catching up to me. It was the fear of losing her.