He Smiled as I Bled

The Fall That Didn't Kill Me

The wind on the 15th floor wasn't wind, it was Mark's breath on my neck, hot and familiar and wrong.

I stood on the windowsill with one foot already in the air, and the city stretched below me like a dark ocean waiting to swallow me whole, fifteen feet to the service stairwell below, not enough to kill me clean, just enough to break the bones, break teeth, break me in ways he would explain away as "an accident."

"Aliya," Mark's voice was soft, too soft, the voice he used when he wanted Mr to apologize for making him angry. "Don't do this, come back to me."

My hands shook, my palms were sleek against the cold glass, if i fell, he'd cry at my funeral, he'd tell everyone how he tried to stop me, he'd be the victim again.

If i didn't fall, I'd have to go home with him.

"Please," he said, and reached for me.

For half a second i wanted to take his hand, because even after everything, part of me still believed the man who brought me coffee in bed and memorized my favorite songs was the real Mark, The man on the windowsill was just the sickness talking.

That's what i told myself as my heel slipped.

The world tilted.

I didn't scream, I couldn't, my lungs forgot how.

Metal railing hit my ribs first, knocking the air out of me, then my head hit the second landing with a wet, hollow c***k that echoed louder than my heartbeat.

White

Red

Black.

----

When i woke up, the ceiling was too bright and my mouth tasted like copper.

Beep, beep, beep

"Miss? can you hear me?"

A nurse's swam into focus, late 40s, tired eyes, the kind of calm that only comes from seeing people break every day.

"What...happened?" my voice sounded like it had been dragged across gravel.

"You fell," she said "service stairwell at your office, concussion, three stitches, a cracked rib and bruising on your lungs, you're lucky, sweetheart."

Lucky,

I tried to sit up, the room spun and my stomach lurched.

"Mark?"

The nurse's expression changed, it got careful, "do you mean Mark Rivera?"

I nodded, and pain shot through my skull like lightening.

"He's been banned from coming to this hospital," she said quietly. "Court ordered temporary restraining order, he tried to come in twice, security turned him away."

The word "restraining order" didn't feel real, i hadn't filed one, i couldn't, if i did, he'd find a way to make it my fault, he always did that.

"You didn't file it," the nurse said like, she read my mind." Your neighbor, Sarah did, she submitted a footage from lt night when you two were arguing, he grabbed your arm, she said it's not the first time."

Sarah, quiet Sarah from the next building close to mine, and is always nice to me.

I swallowed "Where's my phone?"

"With hospital security, there was an incident Mr Rivera left something for you."

Something

Of course he did.

The nurse adjusted my IV, her fingers gentle but efficient,"You're safe here Aliya, for 14 days he can't contact you, come near you, or be within 500 feet of you, after that it goes to a judge, do you understand?"

I nodded my throat was too tight to speak.

Safe.

The word felt foreign, like a coat I'd never worn before, like a word from a language i used to speak before i learned to flinch first and asked questions later.

"Can i go home?" I asked.

"Not yet, doctor wants to keep you 24 hours, concussion protocol, you hit your head hard Aliya, you're not thinking straight right now and that's okay."

I wasn't thinking straight, i hadn't been thinking straight for the past three years.

Three years of :i'm sorry, i didn't mean it," Three years of flowers after the apologies, Three years of believing if i loved him harder, he'd stop hurting me.

The nurse left, the room went quiet except for the beeping of the heart monitor, each beep felt like a countdown, to what, i didn't know.

My phone buzzed from the security desk down the hall.

I knew it was him

I knew it without looking

I knew because my body remembered him before my brain could forget, my stomach clenched, my hands went cold, my chest felt too small.

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe in for four, hold for four, out for six. Lena had taught me that last year when Mark smashed my phone and i had panic attack in her bathroom, Lena.

God, what would Lena say if she found out?

She'd be furious, not at me, never at me, at him, at herself for not seeing it sooner, at the world for letting men like him exist.

At 2AM, I still hadn't slept, everytime the door opened, i flinched, expecting to see his face in the gap.The fall replayed in my head on loop, did i slip? or did i lean forward on purpose?

Would it have mattered?

If I'd fallen all the way, would it have ended? or would he have found a way to blame me even for my own death?

"Aliya Chen-Darbo?"

A new nurse stepped in, younger, her badge said "Maya." she checked my vitals without meeting my eyes, like she's been told not to get attached.

"Your discharge papers are ready for tomorrow," she said, "You'll need someone to pick you up, we don't discharge concussion patients alone."

"Lena" I said automatically, my best friend, the only person i hadn't pushed away yet, the only person who still called me when i hadn't answer for days.

Maya nodded, she was about to leave when she paused at the door, her hands hovered on the handle like she was debating whether to say what came next.

"Miss Chen? you have a visitor."

My blood turned to ice.

"I told you," i said, voice shaking, "no visitors, especially not him."

Maya didn't look at me,she looked at the clipboard, at the policy, at anything but my face.

"He says he's your brother," she said, "and he has the right ID."

The door opened.

My heart stopped

Not Mark

It couldn't be Mark

The restraining order was supposed to stop him.

But then who else i knew was here? who else had that smile, that voice, that way of making the world tilt until i couldn't tell up from down?

The figure stepped into light, and for a second i couldn't breath.