RYOT GRL

Chapter 20

I’m standing in Castle Maddox’s room. I never thought I would be able to say that. It’s not like I expected. There are no pictures on the wall of soccer clubs or any sports teams. There’s no sign on the front of the door telling you to keep out or else. It’s neat and orderly and so unlike him. “You look surprised”, he mutters noticing my puzzled expression as I look around. “It wasn’t what I expected”, I observe, and he searches my eyes intently. “I am sorry. Had I of known I would have brought him back to you”, he says, and I smile appreciatively.

“Thank you for taking care of him”. “How long have you had him?”, he asks. “Since he was a puppy”, I answer. “I wanted you to know I wasn't the one that told everyone about English. I wouldn’t do that”, he says, and I drop my eyes. “It doesn’t matter”, I say. “No, it does. It’s just.”. He goes to the other side of the room pulling his notebook and showing me. “I’ve been researching dyslexia and it’s completely normal. There are a number of reasons why a person would have it”.

“I told you before castle I am not dyslexic”, and I go to leave before the conversation goes somewhere I really don’t want it to. “Look. Dodo I’m sorry. I was trying to make sense of it. Why do you always act up in English?”, he says his eyes searching mine intently. “I just don’t like the subject”, I say but he frowns. “You don’t have to lie”, he reasons, and I feel my heart speeding up. How can he so quickly what I’ve been hiding for years?

“Castle I have to go”. “Dodo. I can help you. I saw you crying today”, he mutters, and I take a deep breath. It feels like all the walls around me are closing in and I can’t get out. “I really need to go”, I say but he stops me, putting both hands around my face and brushing his thumb over my cheekbones. “Talk to me”, he whispers, and I feel my heart pounding. I lean in, straight for his lips pushing hard. “No Dodo”, he pulls away quickly. “Don’t try and distract me”, he presses, and takes a couple of steps away from me. For the first time I don’t want to lie. The heavy burden that I carry on my back is too much for me to bear. I sit with my head bent on his bed, so I can hide the tears that are trailing down my face.

He sits down next to me, his hand pressed over me, trying to comfort me. “I can’t do it”, I whisper. “Can’t do what Dodo”, he questions softly. I take a deep breathe, wiping away my falling tears. “I don’t know how to say the words”, I say. And he squeezes my hand softly. I need him to help me, I don’t think I can do it alone. “You have trouble with your English”, he says. “No, it’s more than that. I can’t...”. I sigh heavily, plucking up the courage from the depths of me to try and find the words. “I can’t read, and I can’t write”, I say as the tears slip down my face. I feel like all the walls I’ve built to protect me are falling. I’ve never felt so vulnerable before and I feel afraid for his reaction.

“I was never taught. I moved around so much, I never stayed in one place to learn”, I say putting my hand over my mouth to stop me from crying again. He puts his arm over my shoulder, and I sob harder. “It’s ok”, he mutters holding my tightly whilst I cry into my chest. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about”, he soothes, and I pull up from his chest. “How can you say that? “, I say infuriated. “I’m 17 and I can’t read or write. I can’t get a job; I can’t fill out a form. I can’t even do a stupid English essay”, I shout He comes forward putting his arms around me. “No. I don’t want you to hug me. Just let me go”, I seethe. “Calm down Dodo. It’s ok”, he reassures, and I give in to the safety of his arms. He leads me back to bed where he squeezes me tighter, making me feel safe as he wraps his arms around me tighter as we fall on our sides in the bed. I keep myself hidden in his chest, not wanting to see my mascara-stained face.

I wake up in Castle’s arms in the same position we were before. He’s breathing deeply which means he must have fallen asleep too. I take the time now that’s he’s fallen asleep to study is face. He’s got little freckles on his cheeks, that I’ve never noticed before and I cut on his lip, no doubt from me. His under eyes are slightly tinged purple like he hasn’t been sleeping well. He stirs, pulling me closer into his arms. His eyes shoot open and bury myself back into his chest, it feels like the safest place in the world. “You’re awake”, he hums, and I flicker my eyes back to him. “I’m sorry. I think I ruined your shirt”, I giggle glancing down at the smeared black makeup on it. “You’re worth a ruined shirt”, he smirks, and I mirror his expression. Before my mind goes back to why I was in his arms in the first place, and I shuffle backwards trying to untangle myself from him. “Stop moving. I’m comfy”, he murmurs dropping his chin to lay on my neck. “I have to go Castle”, I say feeling uncomfortable. I see him pause and then roll over onto his back, letting me go. I quickly get up from the bed, and he follows my movements sitting up. “I should get going. My mum will be wondering where I’m going”, I murmur softly. “You can stay a bit longer. We could talk”, he suggests but the thought of talking about it sends spirals of fear through me. I’m surprised he didn’t laugh in my face when he found out, and when I tell him the rest what’s the stop him from telling everyone else.

“I’m sorry. I can’t”. And I fling his door open before he can stop me. “Ruben. Come here let’s go”. Ruben comes bounding up the steps, just ask Amy comes out of her room. “If you ever come visit castle, please bring him along I would love to see him”, she murmurs, her eyes slightly watering. “I’ll think about it”, I mutter. I see Castle coming out of his room, with a new shirt making a beeline for me. “I have to go. Thank you for looking after him”, and I start walking, breaking into a half run, when I see Castle step outside. I go through the alleyways so he can’t follow me on the main road to his car. Once I’m sure he hasn’t followed me, I start to relax. I want to avoid talking about my fear for at least another day. I can deal with it tomorrow. I make it to the front of the house, seeing a car out front that doesn’t belong to us. “Stay close boy”, I whisper, rubbing Ruben’s head. I’ve missed the sad little looks he gives me. When I walk in, the living room door is closed, and I noticed the curtains were drawn so I can only imagine what my mum is doing in there and with who. I go to my room first, making as little noise as possible, and leaving Ruben to sit on my bed, where he belongs. He picks up his favourite chew toy, bringing it close to him. I take the chance that he’s settled to sneak downstairs again. If my mum sees me, she’ll know I ditched school again and I don’t think that conversation is going to go down very well. It must be somebody new she’s seeing. I can’t hear anything when I press my ear up to the door, except talking. Our doorbell rings and I run back up the stairs, hiding on the landing. Ruben comes out to join me and I have to stop him, holding him with all my strength from running down the stairs and barking at whoever is at the front door. My mum comes out fixing her blouse, but I can’t see anyone else. I hear the sound of her opening the door. “Hi. You must be Dodo’s Mum”, I recognise Castle’s voice and I feel my blood boiling. He has no right to come to my house like this. How does he even know where I live?

“Yes. That’s me can I help you?”, my mum’s putting on her chirpy mother voice that is reserved only for school events or when she talks to me in public. “Yes. I really need to speak to her. Is she here?”, if I weren’t hell bent on avoiding him, I would have run down and kicked him for letting my mum know that I had skipped school again. “No. She isn’t. She should be at school”, I hear my mum’s voice go flat. “No, she is. Well, I’m sure she is. I couldn’t find her for a project we have due in soon and I thought she might be ill”, he quickly saves me. “Are you sure she’s in school?”, my mums voice is laced with suspicion. “Yeah. One of my friends just text me telling me he’s seen her, I’m sorry to bother you”, and like that I hear footsteps and the sound of a car. He better hope she believes him or there will be all hell to pay. “Who was that?”, I hear a man’s voice and I suck in my breathe, wondering where I’ve heard that gruff voice before. “Someone looking for Dodo”. “Isn’t she in school?”, he asks his voice slightly laced surprising with anger. “No. she is. I think he was confused”, my mum says softly. “She’ll be coming home soon. You should go”, she murmurs and out from the doorway, steps the last person I expected my mum to be with. My principal. I’m beginning to regret not telling her about the words that were exchanged between us in that meeting. “I’ll see you later Babe”, he mutters, and I look at him astounded. So, this has clearly been going on for a long time for him to call her that. I would have come out of my hiding spot there and then demanding to know what’s going on but knowing my mum and her track record it won’t last very long. And when it ends, she’ll find a way to move. We may have no money, but I know my mum, and money or not she won’t stick around.

I watch as she kisses him goodbye and watches him leave waving at him from the car and when he’s gone, she closes the door. “Dodo come down here”, she says, and my eyes widen. “Come on. Don’t make me come upstairs”, she taps her foot impatiently by the stairs and I come out from my hiding place. “Before you get mad, I had a reason”, I stress, and she gives me a pointed look before Ruben comes into view and her whole face lights up. “Ruben”, she runs up to him hugging him. “Where did you find him?”, she asks. I am about to tell her the whole story when I stop myself. “A friend of mine found him”, I mutter, and she looks up. “I thought we had lost him forever”. I wait for her to have her moment with him before I interrogate her. “So, you and the principal”, I say before I can stop myself and I watch how she tenses. “It wasn’t really how I wanted you to find out”, she says looking down at the carpeted floor. “But he’s so old and nothing like your type”. “He’s lovely and so kind once you get to know him”, she stresses, and I frown. He’s really worked his charm on her, though I was sure he didn’t have any.

“I’m sure he is”, I snap back sarcastically, and she raises her brow at me quizzically, her eyes searching my face in concern. “What’s that supposed to mean Dodo?”, she asks. “Nothing”, I say quickly before she can get suspicious. If anything, this is a good thing for me, when he falls which, he will she’ll go running for the hills taking me with her. And I don’t have to worry about my secret getting exposed. I won’t be around for it to come out. “You don’t like him. Do you?”, she says, and I don’t even know why she bothers asking for my opinion at all. It’s not like she’ll stop seeing him. I’ve had my fair share of opinions on her men in the past and not one of them did she stop seeing for me.

“He’s, my principle. What do you expect mum?”, I whine. Her shoulders sag slightly, and I watch how her expression falls. “You know I only want the best for you”, she says, and I frown. Something’s up, she never gets mushy like this. “You know that don’t you Dodo”, she presses, and I nod, chewing at my lip in concern. And she pulls my crossed arms and wraps her around me holding me close whilst I do the same.

“Takeaway?”, she asks, and I nod more than enthusiastically, at the thought of being saved from her cooking for one night. She goes into the cupboard, taking out a load of menus. “I’ve been saving these when they came in the mail”. There’s lot to choose from, pizza, Indian, Chinese and Thai. We’re spoiled for choice. After much deliberation we manage to narrow it down to two, only choosing Indian after flipping a coin. I sit on the sofa tucking in whilst we play a board game. “We haven’t done this is so long”, my mum mutters threw mouthfuls of food. “I know. It’s been ages”, although it comes out as barely coherent as I’m halfway through chewing.

“There was a boy that came looking for you”, and alarm bells start ringing in my head. “He said you were working on some sort of project”, and I can hear it in her voice that’s she’s fishing for details. “Oh, yeah science”, I mutter like I’m not interested in all. “He’s cute”. “Mum”, I groan. She shrugs her shoulders. “I’m just saying”, she laughs as we resume our board game. We end up dancing half the night when mum puts on her favourite Phil Collins album. We used to blast it every time we unpacked a new house, but it’s been a while since we played it. It got lost on our move from Washington down to Dakota and she’s only recently bought a new copy. “Do you remember the house in Virginia?”, she says breathlessly, leaning on her thighs since she’s been jumping up and down and waving her arms about in the air madly for the past half an hour. “The one where we found that rat in the kitchen?”, I ask. It was so big; I was convinced we might have to call an exterminator to get it out. In the end, we had to bang on the neighbour’s door who we barely knew since we just moved in to get it out. Luckily, he was a fireman and catching a rat was the least dangerous thing he had done all week.

“I really liked that house. Except for that rat”, my mum says softly, pulling out a chair from the table and sitting; putting her hands on her thighs and taking deep breaths. “I don’t remember much about it”, I say pulling up a chair across from her. “You were only 7”, she muses and I look down at my clasped hands. “We’ve moved around a lot, Mum”, I start, and I see how her features fall portraying the sadness on her face. “And it’s been amazing. I’ve been to so many places, but it’s been hard. Really hard, never making friends and always being the new girl”, I stress, and she reaches over to my hand. “I am sorry Dodo. I shouldn’t have kept taking you from place to place. When you started going to school, I should have settled down”, she says with sympathy laced in her voice. “It’s ok mum”. I can almost say the words. If I can tell Castle, I can tell her. I can’t keep it to myself any longer. “Mum’s there’s something I wanted to talk to you about”. Her concern is etched on her face as she looks at me quizzically. “Moving around so much meant I was behind a lot when it comes to schoolwork. Which never used to affect me, I’ve got my art”.

“You’re a brilliant artist Dodo. Your art is really going to take you somewhere”, she says with pride and I can’t help when my heart swells at hearing her words. “That means a lot”, I say squeezing her hand. “But I did struggle in school. More than most kids”, I say, and I watch how she tenses. “Dodo where is this going?”, she says. “I just wanted to tell you…”.

The sound of her phone makes her jump up and grab it, taking all of my courage to tell her about my secret with her. “It’s your school. Calling to tell me you’ve skipped. I’ll explain”, she winks and walks into the other room. I was so close to telling her. I was ready, when I told Castle the relief, I felt afterwards was amazing. I felt like I could finally breathe again, like I didn’t have to pretend. But he doesn’t know me like my mum does. She’ll blame herself; I know she will. And it’s not fair for me to put that burden on her. I should have tried harder to learn but it was easy when I was young to act up and always get away with it because we always left before I could face the punishment.

Mum returns and I pretend to be reading an article on my phone, “I explained. They weren’t happy but you’re not going to get in trouble”. “It’s a good thing you’re dating the principal”, I say rather bitterly. “What were you going to tell me?”, she says swiftly changing the conversation back to me like she always does when I confront her over something she’s done wrong. “I was just. Uhm... sorry I can’t remember”. my voice falls flat. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. “You were talking about school. How you needed to tell me something?”, she presses, and I nod my head in fake recognition to not make her any more suspicious than she already is. “Yes. I was going to say that… I want to pursue art”, I say, and I watch how she raises her brow quizzically at me. “I thought that was your plan see you were a freshman”, she inquires, and I keep my face monotonous so she can’t see the growing panic behind it. “Yes. I just didn’t know if you were aware”, I say, and she tilts her head looking at me intently. “You haven’t been acting like yourself lately Dodo. Are you alright?”, she asks, and I press my lips together nodding. “Fine”. “Just stress”, I add, and she pats my shoulder gently. “I know it feels like you have the world on top of your shoulders. But I was your age once and it’s going to be fine”, she reassures. And I know she means well, but if she knew she wouldn’t be so calm. “I know Mum. It’s just hard sometimes”, I say quietly, and she stands, nudging me to the side and sitting on my chair. She wraps one arm around me and I into her. “When I was your age. I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do. This was before I knew about the money, so I worked 3 jobs. But I was terrified of ending up somewhere like on the streets.”. She pulls my chin up to face her. “I never want that for you. And I know me not having any money now means you won’t have a secure future”, her voice wobbles. “Mum. I don’t care about the money”, I reiterate. “You might not now. But in the future when you want to buy a house, or you need to buy something. You’ll care then, I just don’t want you to resent me for it”, she mutters, and I give her a reassuring look. “I would never resent you”, I utter, and she smiles, but it doesn’t quite match her blue eyes that are starting to brim with tears. “Mum. I mean it. I wouldn’t never resent you”. She wipes away the tears before they can trial down to her cheeks and ruin her makeup. “I’m just being silly”, she says but her voice doesn’t match her usual one. She glances at the clock and gasps.

“We better get to bed. We both have to be up early tomorrow”, she exclaims, and I feel my heartbeat faster at the thought of going back to school. I can’t face him again. I’m too embarrassed. After saying my goodnight, I traipsed upstairs getting ready to bed and practically falling into my bed covers, with Ruben by my side. The last thing I do before I go to sleep, is open my sketchbook, flipping to the back where I draw my pictures of Castle. My pencil goes on the page and like that I don’t think. I let my heart move the pencil as opposed to my brain. I didn’t even know what I was really drawing until I could make out arms and two pairs of heads. One with short hair and the other with long flowing hair. And both eyes open as they study each other. When I’ve finished, I take the time to trace my fingertips over the drawing of Castle and I lying with our arms wrapped around each other. I can still feel him now, the warmth from his body and how he made feel safe. And the pain that ensues when I know I can’t have that again. To protect my secret, I can’t have him anywhere near me. I just have to wait until my mum tells me to pack up and leave again. I’ll miss Georgina and Stella, the only friends I’ve ever had. But the fear of everyone knowing is enough for me to leave them behind no matter how painful it will be. Until I can go, we need to be complete strangers to each other. It’s the only way I can protect myself.