Love Me

Episode 16

Why didn’t you tell me you were still a virgin?

I.Kelly could feel her eyes starting to fill with tears.

This wasn’t how it should be David aloof, cold and distant, almost accusing.

Kelly, I love you,’ she told him . I want us to be together.married.

‘Married? You’re a child still, Kelly... Your mother.

‘I’m not a child, I’m nearly twenty five’ she protested frantically.

‘You’re a child,’ David insisted, ‘and if I’d known... Why didn’t you tell me?

Why did you let me think that you and Jeny were lovers?’

‘I did tell you but you wouldn’t listen. I thought you’d be pleased...that you’d

want to be the first...the only one...’ she told him pathetically.

‘Pleased? Oh, my God.’ David started to laugh, a harshly bitter laugh. ‘The only

thing that could make this appalling situation any worse would be to discover

that you’re pregnant.

Kelly’s face went white. Last night, lost in the throes of her love and their

shared intimacy, she had craved the conception of his child, and to have to listen

to him now, telling her that that was the last thing he wanted, that she was the

last person he wanted, was the cruellest blow she had ever experienced.

‘I’m on the pill,’ she told him quietly, ducking her head as she explained,

‘There were... I had... My doctor recommended it for other reasons.

It was the truth, and it made her blood run cold now to remember how

unwilling she had been to take it. Thank God she had. To have exposed a child,

her child, to the dislike, the bitterness she could see in David’s eyes and hear in his

voice would have been more than she could bear.

All her dreams and her hopes lay in ruins around her, destroyed by David’s

rejection of her.

‘Go and get dressed, please,’ she heard him demanding. ‘I have to leave soon,

but first we need to talk.’

Get dressed!

Suddenly she felt as acutely self-conscious, as guilty as the first Eve must

have done. As she tugged on her clothes in the privacy of her bedroom she knew

that she had paid a heavy price for the intimacy of David’s lovemaking—the loss

not just of her innocence, but the destruction of her love, her faith, her belief in

herself as a woman. She felt as though she never wanted to see David again, as

though she could never bear to face him again, as though someone had wrenched

away a protective curtain. She saw that last night could have been nothing more

to him than the mere satisfying of a s****l itch, that she had been nothing more

to him than someone, a body, to relieve his s****l frustration with. As she walked back into the living room he handed her a mug of coffee.

Taking it from him, she was careful to make sure that not only did her fingers

not touch his but that they did not even touch the mug where his had done. She

felt scorched, besmirched, soiled from the experience of knowing just how little

he had actually wanted her. What she wanted more than anything else now was

to get him out of here, out of her flat, out of her life, out of her heart for ever.

Kelly...’

‘I don’t want to talk about it, David,’ she told him proudly, turning her back to

him. ‘It happened. It was a mistake, we both know that, but a girl has to lose her

virginity some time...’ She gave a small painful shrug. Jayne will be pleased.

Like you, he didn’t want to be the first.

What on earth was she saying...implying...? Kelly wondered sickly as her

pride demanded, commanded, forced her to retaliate, lie and to convince David

that he hadn’t hurt her, that he couldn’t possibly have the power to hurt her.

‘You begged me to make love to you so that you could have s*x with

Jayne?’

She could hear disbelief and something else in the harsh fury of David’s voice,

but shakily she ignored it, holding up her head as she turned round to confront

him.

‘Yes, that’s right,’ she agreed.

‘I don’t believe you,’ David told her flatly, adding grimly, ‘You said you loved

me. You were even talking about marriage...’

Kelly gave a small dismissive shrug.

‘Isn’t that what a virgin is supposed to do?’ She pulled an uncaring face.

‘How could I possibly love you, David? Why should I love you? All you ever do is

criticise me. I want you to leave...’

Kelly, you can’t just

Jayne will be coming round soon,’ she fibbed, adding carelessly, ‘He’s been

telling me for ages to find someone to...to lose my virginity with. He’s very

experienced and he likes his lovers to know...to know what s*x is all

about...Jayne’s the man I love.

What was she saying? Kelly could hardly believe the lies she was hearing

herself speak, but David seemed to have no difficulty in accepting them.

Slamming down his barely touched mug of coffee, he came towards her.

Immediately Kelly backed away.

‘I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss,’ she told him, adding

flippantly, ‘It’s no big deal after all—’

‘No...maybe not to you,’ David interrupted her grimly. ‘Not to you either,’ Kelly told him. Her phone started to ring and she hurried

towards it, telling him over her shoulder, ‘That will be Jayne...’

It wasn’t, and she knew that the poor double-glazing salesperson must have

been astonished and probably shocked by the tone of her conversation as she

overrode his sales pitch, telling him that she had done what he wanted and that

she couldn’t wait to see him, to be with him properly, if he knew what she

meant. Blowing noisy kisses into the receiver, she ended the call and then turned

to David, telling him coolly, Jayne’s on his way, so unless you want to stand and

watch to see just how quick a learner I am...’

She was still smiling—the hurting, false, ridiculous smile she had pinned to

her face as she’d challenged him—when she heard the door behind him,

and then continued to wear it for several minutes after he had gone, despite the

fact that tears were flooding from her eyes.

It was later that morning that she actually bumped into Jayne, completely by

chance. In the two hours since David had left she had had more than enough time

to dwell on what had happened and what she had said, and by the time she saw

Jayne she had convinced herself that it was totally impossible for her ever to

see David again...ever to see anyone again who was even remotely connected with

him.

‘Hi there, doll,Jayne greeted her with a grin. ‘Looks like it’s time to say

goodbye. I’m meeting up with the eco-warriors this afternoon.’

Swiftly Kelly made up her mind, seizing on the opportunity to make her

escape, not just from David but from everything that was associated with him—her

love, her shame, and her fear that he would somehow guess that she had lied to

him.

‘I’m coming with you,’ she told Jayne determinedly, adding before he could

argue, ‘My brother has sent me some money so I can afford to support

myself.’

‘How much has he sent you?’ Jayne questioned her interestedly.

An hour later, having packed everything that she would need, Kelly locked

the door of her flat behind her and went to join Jayne, who was waiting in his

car.

She was a new Kelly now, a different Kelly. David, her love for him, the life

she had once led—all were in the past and best forgotten. A noise in the garden outside her window brought Kelly out of her reverie.

Startled, she let her unfocused gaze sweep the moonlit darkness and then sweep

it again, her body stiffening as she saw David turn away and disappear into the

shadows.

How long had he been standing there watching her? She knew from his

clothes that he must have been working, probably checking for poachers who,

she guessed, were as much a potential threat here as they had often been on her brother’s estate.

Shivering, she headed back to her bed. It was gone five o’clock in the

morning and as she touched her face she realised that it was wet with her tears.

Why in heaven’s name did she have to be so pathetic...standing there with

tears pouring down her face whilst she relived the pain of the past? Oh, but she

envied David. Her mouth twisted into a bitter smile as she tried to imagine him

ever crying a single tear over her.

What had happened to her will-power, her strength; to the promise she had

made herself before coming here—that things were going to be different, that

never again would David be allowed to treat her with the same contempt he had

shown her when they had faced one another as foes, enemies, on opposite sides,

when she had allowed the eco-warriors to invade Jack’s land, to destroy the

pretty woodland glade that she had once worked so hard to help create...just as David had destroyed her love and also destroyed her?

He had hated her for that almost as much as she had hated him. She had seen

it in his eyes when he’d insisted on joining the others to see her off to Australia.

‘Why are you here?’ she had taunted.

‘Why do you think?’ he had responded, and of course she had known. He

wanted to be sure that she really was leaving.

And now she was back—back to make the unwanted and agonisingly painful

discovery that some things didn’t change, that some loves didn’t die.

She wasn’t twenty five any longer; it was impossible for her to run away now, to

take refuge in disappearing, as she’d tried to escape herself and her love. She had

a job to do, responsibilities, and besides, what had running away the first time

actually achieved? It hadn’t stopped her loving him, had it? In the protective darkness of the moonlit garden David leaned back against the

trunk of a concealing tree and closed his eyes. The discovery that Kelly was

going to be representing the Trust had reinforced all the irony he had felt when

he had first learnt of his unexpected inheritance. He might not be a millionaire,

but his lifestyle now and his prospects were certainly a far cry from what they

had been when Kelly’s mother had insisted on Jack speaking to him about

Kelly’s youthful crush on him.

He had been aware, of course, of her feelings, aware of them and aware too

that at seventeen she was far too young, far too emotionally immature for the

sort of relationship that he, as a man in his twenties, might have wanted.

‘What the hell does Kelly’s mother think I’m going to do?’ he had demanded

angrily as he’d paced the floor of Jack’s library.

Sympathetically Jack had shaken his head as he’d told him quietly, ‘This isn’t

exactly easy for me, David. You’re my friend as well as—’

‘Your employee...’ Angrily David had grimaced. ‘No doubt as far as Kelly’s

mother is concerned I’m only one step removed from being a servant,’ he had

expostulated scornfully.

Wisely, Jack had said nothing, allowing him to express his ire and distaste

instead.

‘You must share her concern,’ he had concluded, ‘otherwise you wouldn’t

have raised the subject.