Saving Moxie

Heart to Heart

I sighed, leaning over a the lighted table, attempting to piece together some kind of creativity for a sketch for a potential client. She wanted something to embody her love for her husband. All I could think of was the way Jamie had touched me the night before. He hadn't made breakfast this morning, so I had assumed he was avoiding me. Thankfully, Jen picked me up on the way in to work this morning, but the ride had been silent and awkward.

She had tried to ask what my problem was, but I didn't have the words to answer her truthfully. The words 'I'm fine' came out more than once before she gave up and left me alone.

My stomach growled in protest to the emptiness as I drew small hearts on the paper in front of me. Hearts were supposed to be the symbol of love for normal people, but for me, love meant consistency, safety, understanding. Love meant knowing my baggage and still being there.

"How did the party go?" Jen asked, filling the silence as she entered the room she had specially dedicated to my creativity. I grumbled in response as I attempted to ignore her. "Did you get busy?"

"I don't just let any guy who takes me to a party stick his d**k in, Jen."

"Uh, last time I checked, you definitely do."

My fists balled on the table, but I didn't dignify her with a response.

"I'm kidding, Moxie. Jesus. Besides, Jamie isn't just any guy."

"You're right, he was a perfect gentleman. Drove me home when I drank too much and everything."

"Did you at least kiss?" Again, I didn't respond. If it had been any other guy, I would have come up with an elaborate story about how much we drank and partied until the sun came up or described some wild s*x story to get people chatting for weeks. Jamie was different though. I didn't want to drag his name in the mud for a good story.

"Kind of. I don't know. We left it in a weird place."

"I didn't really picture Jamie as the party type, honestly. He was always such a good boy. I don't even think he plagiarized his college application, to be honest. I know I did. Maybe that's why they denied me."

"I don't think he is that type. I think he was just testing me." I sighed, rubbing my forehead with frustration about the whole situation. Every time I replayed the last twenty-four hours in my head, it felt more and more wrong.

"Or maybe he was just taking you somewhere he thought you would be comfortable. That seems more like him. I'm sure he wanted to make sure you were comfortable even if he wasn't."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that a party was the one place I felt least comfortable. Even though Jen knew me, she was still a little too convinced of what she had heard from others and my own stories. Who would lie about the train wreck that is my life? I learned early on it was easier to embrace it and mold the stories to my own agenda than fight them.

"You know, when I gave you this project, I didn't think you would start with Hallmark's idea of hearts." Jen said slowly, raising her eyebrows at me as she sat on the stool beside me. "I think Mrs. Lake wants something more..." she tapped her chin, obviously trying to think of the perfect word, "Unique. Out of the norm."

"Yeah, well it's kind of hard to come up with something that embodies the symbol of love when I've never actually been loved." I spat, shaking my head as I erased the hearts and went back to a blank canvas. I heard a sigh next to me as my friend pulled the pencil out of my hand and began to sketch.

"You are loved, Moxie. You just fight everyone away that gives a s**t about you." She was right. I was the worst kind of pusher - I never let anyone get too close to my heart for fear of rejection. "It's like you hit your head one too many times to see reality right in front of you."

"Yeah, whatever, Jen. Just because you went from gutter trash to someone's wife doesn't mean I will. You at least have an idea how much baggage I have."

"Then unpack it. Or find someone who loves you even with the baggage." She suggested, shooting me a pointed look before going back to add detail to the realistic looking human heart she started drawing. "I loved the idea of a heart, but not the cartoony bullshit you were thinking. Love is raw and real. It should be shown that way."

"You know Jack will be back, Jen."

She sighed, closing her eyes as if she were exhausted, but nodded silently anyway. While Jen may not know the extent of my involvement with my dad, she knew he was trouble. She also knew that anyone who got too close to me was in danger - including her.

"You know, in order to do a good sketch for someone, you have to know their style and details about them that mean something. I know you put a little bit of yourself into each drawing. That's why I hired you."

"Well, Mrs. Lake's husband is a cop. And they have a 6 year old daughter. He likes to fish, from what she said." I snorted, acting as if the whole conversation had been a joke to me, but in reality I wished I could have half the normalcy that the client had. "And she wants something different that says who he is."

Jen nodded next to me, handing the pencil back over before sliding the paper toward me. She had sketched out a realistic heart and parts of an American flag, which made perfect sense. Ideas ran through my head on how to make this a completed work of art that would make sense. Damian Lake was a part of the canine unit for our district - I knew that from when I got expelled for holding pills in my locker for Jack. It was Damian who's dog sniffed it out and thankfully, had enough pity on me to help me avoid any major jail time by testifying on my behalf. I just hadn't seen him since I was sixteen.

"Just so you know, Jamie referred Mrs. Lake to us. She asked for you by name." Jen's eyebrow raised slightly, an unreadable look crossing her face.

"How does Jamie know these people well enough to give a recommendation like that?"

She sighed, patting my leg a little too roughly to be friendly. "You're dumber than I remember."

"And you're fatter than I remember." I snapped back, tipping my head as she laughed at me. It wasn't a mean laugh, but almost as if she truly found me funny.

"Moxie, I know you love the guy. You've been staring off into space all day. What the hell happened between you?"

I shook my head, resting my chin on my hand. I had always been more addicted to self destruction than any other drug. There was almost something evil about the way I pushed everything good away from me.

"I'll ask again, but I don't want a bullshit story. Did you f**k?"

I choked on my own spit at her question, coughing to recover and gasping for air.

"You did. You're such a drama queen, Moxie, I swear. How does he put up with you?" She smacked my back until the lump in my throat subsided. "He loves you, you know. And you love him. I knew it after the day that you kicked my ass in middle school."

"Well, he thinks I'm an attention w***e. An actual w***e. Oh, and that I play too many mind games." I ticked off my fingers. "And if Jack catches me with him, he'll be dragged into as much s**t as I have. Or worse."

"And yet, you don't deny that you love him." She made a 'hmph' noise and crossed her arms in a way that reminded me a lot of my sister. I shook my head in frustration.

"Listen, Jamie is a big boy. He can take care of himself. And as for Jack? If he shows up here I'll tell him you took off to New York. Just be careful and lay low for a little while." She shrugged her shoulders slowly, as if it was the simplest fix in the world. As if she didn't know what my father was capable of. As if she hadn't patched me up plenty of times in the school bathroom after he kicked my ass or things got out of hand. "Just... be honest with the man. If he wants to be involved in your s**t, let him. He should have the right to choose."

She was right. Jamie could make his own decisions. I just couldn't tell if I was more afraid of Jack messing up his life or rejection when he discovered the parts of me that I kept so well hidden.