Saving Moxie

Dinner Date

The bar Jamie chose to take me to for our first official date was right up my alley. I had assumed that he would try to go overboard and take me to some fancy restaurant that made me question my will to live. I did not want to sit at a table and stare at silverware for an hour trying t decipher which was the salad fork and which was meant for steak.

And let's face it, steak would definitely be my entree.

It had been so long since I had been out to eat anywhere other than McDonald's and while Jamie's cooking was pretty great, we had yet to have steak or anything 'fancy' by my terms.

I hadn't bothered to ask Jen over to help me prepare for this date for two reasons: one, I didn't feel like her mush and gush over the possibility of a future between Jamie and I (which, I couldn't promise after the run in earlier with Jack) which was my second reason for not telling her. It was bad enough that Jamie was dragged into my mess but Jen didn't need to be any more collateral damage than she already was.

The inside of the bar was quieter than any other bar I had been to in the past, but that wasn't saying much. The bar was full of patrons, but as we walked over to a table in the corner of the dining area, I didn't recognize anyone that could be attached to my father.

"I figured this was comfortable but just loud enough that we can talk and not be overheard." Jamie supplied, pulling my chair out before crossing to his own side of the table.

He's trying so hard. I mused, tucking into my seat and smiling at him.

"It's perfect, Jamie. You don't have to try so hard though, nerd."

"I just..." he sighed, reaching across the table and taking his hand in mine. "I've always wanted to take you out on a real date. I want it to be special."

My heart lurched at his display of emotions. Did he know that this was normally when I would run away?

"It is special."

I jumped slightly as a bubbly waitress bounced up to our table. "Hi! My name is Alex and will be taking care of you!"

Holy hyper.

I bit my tongue as I shot Jamie a look of curiosity. As if he understood my silent judgement, he smiled smoothly and squeezed my hand.

"Hi, Alex. Can I start with a bottle of bud light?"

"Absolutely! And for the girlfriend?"

I frowned at her words. Was that what I was now? A girlfriend? We hadn't established any labels. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate, but Jamie's hand in mine seemed to anchor me.

"Just a whiskey, neat." I would need liquid courage tonight if Jamie really wanted to know everything about the past ten years of my life without any mask or defense mechanisms.

Alex bounced away, leaving Jamie and I alone again. I felt like I could breathe a little easier without the bouncing bimbo in my face, making assumptions.

"How are you? Really? You haven't mentioned your mom at all since you've been here." He ran his fingers through his hair as if something were bothering him. Memories of my mother using me as an ashtray flooded through my mind. We had never had a good relationship. I knew she hated me even before she tried to drown me in the bathtub when I was four.

"There isn't much to say. We didn't have a great relationship."

"I know, but usually when children lose a parent..." Was that a look of worry I detected in the way he looked at me?

"I know now, you're a psychiatrist!" I blurted, laughing to myself as he shook his head. "Jamie, I miss her as much as she missed me when I left."

"She missed you more than you think."

I rolled my eyes at the idea. "You would know. You were here."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Roxie said not to push it but I just can't help myself. I wish I knew what you were thinking."

"Honestly, I'm just enjoying being with you." I sighed, pulling my hand back to rest in my lap. Anxiety was taking over. I never used to be an anxious person before I came back here, but it was easy to be anxious when you have everything to lose. "Jack knows I'm here. I don't know if he knows that I'm living back at home, but it won't take long for him to find out."

Jamie seemed to visibly pale at my words, a frown settling on his perfect face. I wanted to reach across the table and smooth the crease that formed between his eyebrows, but I stopped myself. After tonight, I didn't know how much Jamie would want to do with me.

"I told you, I'll protect you."

"I don't know if you can protect me from him." I don't know if I want you involved.

"Moxie, you can't do this alone. That's why I need to know... all of it. I can't protect you if I don't know what I'm up against."

"And how do you plan to protect me? If you call the police, he has enough on me to pin me as an accomplice. He's been very smart that way." I sighed as Alex returned with our drinks. Jamie waved her away as she began to ask if we were ready to order and while she seemed shocked at being dismissed, she didn't say anything else.

"I'll find a way."

"That doesn't sound very promising."

He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair again in frustration. "Tell me all of it. The grim, the awful. Let your burdens out on me. Let me carry some of the weight."

"Well..." I sipped my drink, trying to muster up some courage. "Mom.. I guess we can start there. I don't know how much you know. How much did Roxie tell you?"

"Just that Nora usually forgot to feed you and that you usually just wore her hand-me-downs, but that she didn't know what happened while she was gone. And you refused to tell me anything, even when you showed up in my room crying."

Ah, young Moxie. I began bottling my trauma even from a ripe young age.

"Once she choked me for complaining that my Roxie was wearing my socks. Whenever Roxie and I fought, I would hide under my bed because I knew what was coming." I listed, remembering a few of the incidents that happened before my sister was even committed. "Jack didn't even bother to try and stop her when she tried to drown me or use me as her personal ash tray. That's why when he said we were leaving to keep me safe, I believed him. I knew if I lived with her much longer, I might not live. I only left because Roxie was leaving for college and I knew how much worse it was for me when she was gone the first time."

I couldn't tell if the look on his face was anger or sadness. It was probably a tough pill to swallow knowing that the woman he helped care for the last few months had been secretly such a monster to her own child.

"But come to find out, Jack was worse. I always thought I had mommy issues but since taking off with Jack, I realized that both of my parents were just horrible."

Alex was back again, but this time Jamie didn't wave her away. I downed what was left of my drink, shuddering at the strength of the alcohol.

"Can I get the ribeye with a side of potatoes and a coke, please?" I had enough alcohol. I didn't need to get sloppy drunk to tell my story to Jamie. He was right, it felt nice to have someone share the weight of my toxic life.

"Just a side of mozzarella sticks and another bud light for me, thanks. Tall, draft. Keep 'em coming."

I hadn't realized that he had already downed his beer in the time I was talking. I wanted to ask if it was a good idea to be drinking so much when he had to drive home, but I kept it to myself. Alex bobbed away again to place our orders and Jamie turned his attention back to me.

"What was it like when Roxie was gone?"

Back to business.

"She locked me up for three days at one point. I only know it was three days because that's what Jack told me. He only noticed I was missing because he came home after a 'business trip' and couldn't find me." I tipped my head, gauging his reaction. I almost expected him to call me a liar like everyone else had my entire life. "She tried to chemically remove the birth mark on my hip. I didn't tell anyone because people stopped believing me but when I passed out from pain, it was oozing pus, and Jack rushed me to the ER. None of the doctors could explain it because I refused to tell them anything, but they came to the conclusion that I had a serious chemical burn and didn't know what caused it. I told them I must have spilled something on myself."

Jamie's hands turned to angry fists on table as Alex returned with our drinks and, as if on autopilot, he brought his drink to his lips and downed half the mug. My eyebrows shot up, but I kept the observation to myself. If someone told me that Jamie went through this childhood trauma, I probably would be sitting in prison instead of drinking.

"I covered the scars up with tattoos. I've covered all the scars with ink."

'Now I'm a walking work of art!' I had said, but I knew that Jack had only paid for the ink to show off my pain tolerance to his buddies and make it easier to find me in a crowd if I pulled a disappearing act.

"A couple of years before I left, some older guys Jack knew had asked me if I wanted to start coming along to their 'business meetings' and I thought, 'what the hell, it'll get me away from mom' so I agreed. Jack didn't see a problem with it and they started giving me weed and alcohol. I thought it was the coolest thing. We would go to this guy's house and get absolutely stoned out of our brains and they would make me strip. It was a game. It was funny at first."

"Funny?" He demanded in a hushed tone, taking another slug of his beer before leaning back in his chair. "Do you know his name?"

"Nope. You don't ask questions like that when you're a minor and someone supplies you with drugs and alcohol." I smiled slightly as Alex brought the food to our table, though neither of us moved to touch the still-hot plates. It seemed that now, neither of us were hungry.

"So with Jack.." Jamie pushed as soon as Alex was out of earshot.

"It started out fun. We drank a lot and played video games. He usually ordered take out and left me pot when he went out. I thought I had hit the lotto. I got the place to myself and answered to no one. It wasn't until one of his 'partners' came over and put his hand down my pants while I was sleeping that things went south. I told Jack that the guy was trying to make me blow him all the time and that he scared me and he didn't believe me. He said that since I hadn't been strong enough to stop him the first time he forced his fingers inside, that I was asking for it. I think Jack was afraid of him."

If looks could kill.

"When I broke the guys nose the next time, Jack said, and I quote 'I suppose you already know you're no longer a part of the family. Here take your food and eat it on the ground.'"

"Moxie.."

"No, let me get this out, I have to get it out, please don't stop me." I begged, noticing the warm tears cascading down my cheeks and feeling my nails dig into the palms of my hand as the memories flooded through my head. "He told me we were business partners now, not father and daughter. He started making me go on 'business trips' with him to pay him back for being so ungrateful."

"What did you do on these trips?"

"They weren't really trips. They were parties. He sold a lot of drugs to a lot of kids and I was the fluffer. At first I thought I was just there to help him convince the kids that his drugs were safe because he had me test them before he sold them. But I told him I didn't want to do it anymore, he beat the s**t out of me. He told me that if I ever tried to back out of our partnership again, he would sell me to the highest bidder."

"You mean-"

"There were always guys that tried to convince Jack to sleep with me. I told him that I would stay and party with him and help pay his debts as long he kept the creepy guys away from me." I wiped at my tears, spearing what little bit of makeup I had on. "The last party I went to with Jack, some girl overdosed on meth. I found the body. He told me it was taken care of but I was afraid. That's why when Roxie called and told me about the house, about mom, I knew I had to take off. I woke up one day and realized I'm a twenty-six year old drug dealer with no purpose."

"You have a purpose, Moxie. I just don't understand why you didn't call me, damn it!" He didn't seem angry with me, just angry in general.

"I'm an accomplice, Jamie. Not only to drugs and supplying to minors, but of murder too." I let out a shaky sob, not looking him in the eye. I couldn't handle the disappointment in his gaze.

"Let's get out of here. I want to take you home and hold you. We can fix all of this tomorrow."

"How do you think you can fix this? Jamie, you can't fix anything!"

"You would be surprised what I can fix. We're going to brunch with Damien and there are things him and I need to discuss."

"Jamie, you can't drag him into this. I'll go to jail. I can't be stuck behind bars with Jack."

"I can't just sit back and wait for you to leave again under the idea that you're protecting me. Damien and I have been working on this case for a long time and-"

Case?

"What are you talking about? What case?" All of the puzzle pieces locked together at once. "Jamie... what do you do for a living?"

"Moxie..."

"Tell me. Just be honest. I told you everything, now it's time to tell me."

"I'm a PI. I've been working with Damian to finding you for almost 7 years now."