I Saw You

BOOK 3

BOOK 3

Two weeks passed after the dinner with Josh and Dean, and of the latter no news. I didn’t see him since then. In the meanwhile though Rachel had the chance to know him better, they made up, apologized to each other, and established a civilized relationship. Rachel told me that she had reevaluated him a lot, that he wasn’t such a jerk, as we believed. Even though from the way he spoke about his relationships with women, I was still convinced that he was.

In the last weeks Rachel and I were getting ready for our graduation ceremony. We devoted these last two weeks to the last corrections and we really committed. We were looking forward for this Friday to come, to graduate, and have the party we always dreamt about. We rented a small place and shared the cost. My guests weren’t a lot, and anyway totally few compared to the number of family and friends that Rachel was going to bring.

“So, Jules, my guests are twenty: my parents, my brother d**k, auntie Beth and uncle Ben and their children, uncle Kurt and auntie Nora with my cousin Rose, my cousins from Boston Annah and Pam, some friends from college and the ones from Uni. Oh, obviously I told Josh and I couldn’t do without extending the invite to Dean, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, no problem,” I would have never told her, but she just made me the happiest woman in the world. I missed Dean in a way that I couldn’t explain to myself. I was aware that I didn’t know basically anything about him, and for how he spoke I was aware that between us there wasn’t going to ever happen anything, but since he somehow came into my life I did nothing but thinking about him.

“Perfect.”

“Who did you invite from college?”

“Our best friends back then: Melanie, Sandra, Kish and Andy.”

“Really? How nice! I can’t wait to see them again... and they’re coming right from Manfield?”

Manfield was the tiny village where Rachel and I grew up and where we lived until we moved here in New York for university. I always hated that place as a kid, but when I went back I was always happy to see again the places where I had grown up.

“Only Sandra and Andy stayed in Manfield. You know, Sandra became a hairdresser and Andy works in her parents’ restaurant.”

“Wow. And Melanie and Kish? They said that they didn’t want to leave Manfield.”

“Melanie fell in love with a truck driver that stopped in Manfield for a delivery.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Who’d have guessed, eh? Anyway now she lives with him in Hoboken. She is cashier in a supermarket.”

“Got it. Wow... you’re really updated. I didn’t hear from them in a long time.”

“I tried to keep in touch.”

“And what about Kish?”

“Kish got pregnant from a relationship she had with professor Noster.”

“Noooo. Our teacher from college?”

“Yes. I was shocked too.”

“And how did that go?”

“He was already married and asked her to have an abortion. She didn’t want to and raised her son on her own. She moved to Chicago. She had some relatives there. She’ll leave her son to them on Friday. She said that she wouldn’t have missed our party for nothing in the world.”

“But... is it just me that did nothing in all these years? Romantically I’m still the clueless that I was in college.”

“Come on Jules, stop it. Not having a boyfriend doesn’t mean being clueless.”

“Okay, forget it. More importantly, who did you invite from university? I’ve told Mary, Brooke and Lauren.”

“No! You told Lauren?”

“Sure, why? Shouldn’t I?”

“Jules, everyone knows that Lauren is a viper. She hit on all the boyfriends of our friends. No one can stand her.”

“Rachel, she’s still our friend. We followed all the courses together. We studied for many exams together. What was I supposed to do? Invite the other and exclude her? And anyway she always has been nice to me.”

“Sure, because you never had a boyfriend... sorry...”

“Don’t worry, I don’t get offended. After all it’s the truth. Anyway, she’s coming, you like it, or not... and then I allowed you to bring Dean...”

“What? What about Dean now... I couldn’t avoid of telling him, it’s my brother-in-law..., and then what comparison is that? Moreover I thought that you liked him, not that you hated him.”

“I don’t hate him. I’m just saying that I would have gladly avoided his sarcastic jokes or his strange behaviors at my party,” I was faker than Judas... I was too excited at the idea to see him again...

“Don’t worry, he’ll be good... I’ll recommend Josh to have a little talk with him.”

“Ah, and I hope that you didn’t say anything to Josh about the conversation I had with his brother.”

“Do you think that I go telling these things?”

“Good. Who else will be there? No one, that’s all. My guests are finished. Ah, obviously among the university mates that I invited there’s also Michael. We have been friends since the first day, I thought it was right that he came.”

“Yes, you did the right thing.”

“And the thing doesn’t embarrass you at all?”

“Why should it?”

“Why? Ahhh... maybe because he kissed you and you shot him down?”

“Come on, stop it. That thing has nothing to do with our friendship or the party. It’s clear that we were going to invite him.”

“Great. I’d say that I’m done. Who did you tell?”

“Besides my parents, auntie Lindsey and her son and some friends? No one. My very long list ends here,” I said laughing.

“Will your father come?”

“He promised me he would have been there. I called him last week to remind him and he said he was coming. Maybe I should call him again.”

“Yeah. While you phone him, I’ll go deliver my bound dissertation to professor Schubert. See you later.”

“See you later Rachel.”

When she went away, I stayed for a while watching the phone, not sure whether to call my father or not. In more than one occasion he had promised to be there and at the last minute he had to forfeit. I wasn’t surprised anymore when it happened. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t suffer about it... I put on a brave face and dialed his number...

“Hi honey...” how I missed hearing his voice...

“Hi dad. How are you?”

“Overloaded of work, as always. You?”

“I’m fine, thanks. I’ve called you to remind you about Friday... you’ll be there, right?”

“Friday?”

“Yes, for my graduation party. Mum will come the day before. She rented a room in a motel nearby. Maybe you could check with her and see if they have a place for you too.”

“Honey... I... I’m sorry... I can’t.”

“How is it that you can’t?” I was mad, he couldn’t do this to me again.

“Jules, they fixed a conference that I can’t quit at all. I would risk my place, you know. I’m sorry to let you down baby, but I don’t have any other choice.”

“You forgot it, right?”

“What? No! I didn’t forget. I tried to explain to the boss about your graduation, but he didn’t want to listen to reason.”

“I don’t believe you!”

“Honey, it’s the truth, I swear to you!”

“Enough. I’m fed up of your lies. You do nothing but tell me a load of bullshit, like you did with mom.”

“This has nothing to do with your mom.”

“You know what? I don’t want stay here and listen to your miserable excuses. I have a party to plan. And whether you’re there or not, I won’t let you ruin it for me. Good job, dad!” and I hung up on him. Suddenly my rage was transformed in fury, and I burst into tears... when Rachel came back, an hour later, I was still in a river of tears.

Rachel spent the whole afternoon cheering me up. She dried my tears, patiently listened to my whining, and bought a huge bowl of ice cream in which I drowned my sadness. It was in those moments that I understood how lucky I was to have her as a friend.

“Jules, you know I’m fed up. I’m sick and tired of seeing you crying over that prick of your father, sorry about the word!”

“You don’t have to apologize Rachel, you said the right word, prick!”

“I’m aware that it hasn’t been easy to grow up with an absent father. And I’m aware about how that still hurts today. But you know what? Who cares? We’re talking about you’re life Jules, you’re future... and if your father doesn’t want to be part of it, it’s his loss. Stop letting that man ruin your life. You have to think only about yourself now. He won’t be there, okay, but Friday a lot of people that love you will come and will be there for you. Focus on that.”

“Yea, a lot of people... For you, maybe. For me there will only be my mom, my auntie, and three friends. A really large legion of people that care about me.”

“I will be there, and I care about you. Michael cares about you. Our friends from college will come to see you too. They always asked about you, every time I heard from them. And then there’ll be my parents that adore you. You know, they always considered you as a second daughter.”

“Yes, that’s true. And I adore them. It’s just that... I wanted him to be there.”

“I know honey, I know. But unfortunately we can’t do anything to change reality. The only thing that we can do, instead, is not to allow him to ruin your party. And then, hey, I need your moral support Jules. Friday it’s not only the day we graduate, but it’s also the day that I’ll officially introduce Josh to my parents. I’m freaking out!”

“Right. I didn’t think about it... you’re right. Who cares about my dad? We have to enjoy the party. And we also make you look stunning for the two great events that will take place on Friday evening.”

“Good Jules, that’s how you speak,” and she high-fived me.

“Now I should get ready too, I have to deliver my dissertation to my supervisor. God, how good it looks all well-bound. I’m so proud of myself.”

“I’m proud of you too, Jules.”

“Thank you Rachel, I don’t know what would I do without you.”

“You’re welcome my friend...”

I went to get dressed. Rachel’s words really cheered me up. She was perfectly right. Friday was my day. And I wouldn’t let anything or anyone ruin it!

***

In his mind

Yes, like that... I was almost there... only one more shot and... Oh God... I took a deep breath, and when I got out of her she said the usual words that everyone told me, "It was! God Dean, it was...”

“I know...”

“You are so good to make love.”

“To have s*x,” I corrected her. I wasn’t making love. I never did it in my whole life. I never was gentle in bed. Generally I wasn’t it in life, and in bed even less.

“You are so... so... so sexy...” I burst out laughing; it always amused me to see the way in which women fell for me, the way they made me feel their attraction, even after I humped our brains out. They were all the same. They were all eating out of my hand. I was more than certain that more than one of them would have paid to sleep with me.

“Will we meet again?”

“I don’t know. It’s rare that I sleep more than once with the same woman.”

“Why?”

“I like to change.”

“And wouldn’t you make an exception for me?”

“We’ll see...” I put my clothes back on and got her number. Everyone of them left me the number, but I never called anyone back.

I got in my car and took a deep breath. I was exhausted. Between work and the two-hours-marathon that I brought to life f*****g that woman, I really needed a long sleep. I closed my eyes. And as always for the past fortnight, I thought of her. I never saw her again after that dinner and yet she was constantly in my thoughts, in my dreams. The thing upset me a lot. I even spoke about it with doctor Herbert, but I didn’t like at all what he’d told me, “She’s the way for your liberation, Dean. Get to know her, date her... and loosen up.” Date her? Not an option. To do what? Get engaged and become like those idiots that celebrate Valentine’s Day and buy stupid gifts? No, it’s not my thing. Then, after my mom’s death, I promised myself not to let anyone else in my life. Not to grow fond to any other woman. And I would have always lived up to that promise. Because the truth is that avoiding feelings was the only thing that was keeping me alive. The only thing that would have always kept me alive.