When She's Gone

chapter 5

It's been two months since Raizen and I had f****d. I asked him why he was so mad that time and he answered me that he saw the photos

"You do have the guts to ask me? you f****d two men at the same time" his rage on his eyes were real

"I DIDN'T! SELINA THREATENED ME IF I DISOBEY HER, HER TWO MEN WOULD EVENTUALLY r**e ME" I yelled at him, I was furious in that moment yet my voice still sounds begging and asking him to believe me

"you know what. I am actually on the verge of forgetting everything that happened between us two years ago..I have realised all my mistakes, I was jerk to you and I've decided that I have to make up with you...yet you just cheated on me!" I couldn't believed that he thought something like that

"Among the two of us, you are the one who has the ability to cheat" I whispered and I think he heard it

"I am not a f*****g cheater" he said but I laughed

"Since we're talking now about it. Do you think I am fool too Raizen! You cheated on me...I can endure your meanful and insulting words nor your slap but cheating! No, you're such a jerk" I shouted at him. I looked at his gaze and the confusion on his eyes are visible, it seems like he heard some unbelievable stuff

"me? cheating? When did I cheat with you. Yes I admit that I am an asshole and f*****g jerk to you but I wouldn't do some disrespectful thing that could destroy my reputation"

after our confrontation, he left without believing every word I said. I sighed heavily, what's the use of explaining if he is not going to believe anyway. From that day he went back to his usual self. He would always tell me that I am slut. There were a day then when someone sent him a new photo and I knew it was Selina's doing

He showed me the picture and I was shocked upon seeing me and someone is kissing. I told him that it wasn't me and someone else edited my face. As usual, he never believed. From that moment, we never had a proper conversation and just like what he usually does, Raizen kept on ignoring and insulting me

Until there's this night, I realised that I am tired of begging him. Tired of begging him to love me, to listen and to believe. I actually wanted to ask him for a divorce but I am contemplating. I am carrying his child right now

Yes, there's a baby living in my womb. I am scared to tell Raizen the truth, he maybe won't accept the baby. For him having a baby with me is disgusting and it pains me thinking that, my child is the fruit of Raizen's anger

I have to tell him. His answer and opinion about this baby will lead to my final decision...

"Hey!" I calmly uttered to Raizen who is now busy typing on his laptop

"Can't you see that I am f*****g busy!" He annoyingly said

I gulped. I have to tell him now...

"I have something important to tell you, please hear me out this time" I said

he stopped typing on his laptop right now

"What the f**k it is?" He asked and it is clear to his voice that he is not interested to hear it

"I--I'm pregnant" I said and then sadly he just shrugged his shoulders, it feels like he's telling me he doesn't care

"You are pregnant? Why would I care if you are pregnant...after all that child isn't mine" he said without any single care. I wanted to slap him but I calm myself. I don't want to stress myself since there's a growing life is inside my tummy

"THIS IS YOURS!" I firmly said... but the jerk just smirked

"You can't fool me b***h! Someone sent me the photos of you and your lover and I bet it was your child's father " He said with anger

I stepped forward near to him and I slapped him on his left cheek. How could he say something like that!

"I..I never let someone owned my body but you. That picture isn't real. I've only loved you Raizen. You knew who was behind this? It was your beloved Selina" I told him the truth

"She would never do that! Selina is a good girl. YOU! You're just reasoning something unbelievable. You just want me to take responsibility to that child of yours!" He shouted

My eyes started to blur due to my tears. Why he is so heartless?

"I am two months pregnant.. you f****d me two months ago..are you still denying it? Denying that this baby is yours!" I shouted in pain

"You f****d two men before me that two months ago? What do you take me for, a fool?" Ok I am tired explaining to him. He would never believed me

"I never" I whispered painfully

"I don't care about that pregnancy of yours. You abort it or not, the hell I care.." I did not say anything anymore. I left him in his office. I can't stay with him forever. I don't care about him anymore. I am so f*****g tired to cry and cry...

I touch my tummy and can't help but to gulp several times. Baby, your father is rejecting you, always remember this...I love you so much

**

Today is afternoon and Aunt Lianne asked me to go there. She wanted to talk to me and since I don't wanna see Raizen for the mean time, I've decided to meet Aunt Lianne. As I have arrived to their residence, the maid escorted me to the living room. The maid told me to wait but then, as I'm waiting for Aunt Lianne's appearance, I heard two voices. They're arguing over something

I was curious so I walked near to that voices. I realised it was Aunt Lianne and Uncle Roger, they are arguing

"let's help Kinsley. Every time I saw her, I always remember her mother" Aunt Lianne said with the tone of being guilty

"its been a decade since that accident happened. I am still guilty for crashing her parent's car" Uncle Roger uttered, just like Aunt Lianne. He was also guilty

Crashing my parent's car?? it means they're the one who is responsible for the demise of my mom and dad

"It is your fault. If we've just helped them then, maybe they're still alive until now...but you made me ignored them. You..We chose to abandoned them! I TOLD YOU TO REPORT IT TO POLICE BUT YOU NEVER REPORTED. I TRIED TO CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE YET YOU STOPPED ME!!" my ears. I can't believed that I heard it from them. All along they knew me at the first place

Aunt Lianne's kindness were just all lies. They were kind to me at all because I am the daughter of the person they've killed. For me they murdered my parents. Why not ask help from anyone? I hope they at least call the authorities. But they chose to leave my parents helpless body

Every of them are heartless. M-Maybe Raizen knew this also and he just kept it. Maybe all of his actions towards me during college are all fake...

I left Davidson's mansion right after hearing the truth. My heart and my head is now in chaos. I felt like I want to drown myself in a dark ocean...

I went back to Raizen's house. My eyes are still puffy due to my cries a while ago.I observed the whole house. I don't have any happy memories here at all. Everything is just pure pain and crying. I entered to my room and immediately sat on the bed. I caressed my stomach and sobbed saying that everything will be fine. What should I do?

I never had someone who will lift up my spirit high. I am a woman who is just good at crying and crying. I am so weak that I couldn't even stand up for myself. I stood up and walked into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and there I saw how pale my face was. There are black circles under my eyes. My lips are as pale as my face

I remembered that I hadn't eaten yet. I just felt hungry. I'm sorry, my child, I feel sorry for you in my life. You don't deserved me, I am disgusting like a slut. Your mother has been molested by perverts

absentmindedly, I looked at the bathtub, I approached it and filled the tub with water. I drowned myself in the bathtub, closing my eyes while remembering everything. The death of my parents, when I became a vagabond, when I was mistreated, when I was molested, when Raizen called me in any derogatory remarks

I could feel how I was struggling to breathe and I never know why it feels good to be suffocated..maybe because I just want to disappear from this world anymore

I immediately opened my eyes and realised that there's a child in my belly. This baby has nothing to do to my misery. I was so selfish about taking the baby with me in hell. I don't want to include him in the world I want to walk to. I am such a bad mother!

I held my chest while catching my heavy breath

"I am so sorry! I am sorry" I cried...

just hold on my child, I promise you. I will try all my best to become a better mom for you