A Childhood Relationship Chapter I: THE BEGINNING AND DISTANCE

Chapter 14

CHAPTER XIV: TEARS

That night, I thought I could easily relax as everything is now calm and in order. However, I nearly forgot that something like this is not present around him. Thus, as soon as I finished taking a bath and put on my sleepwear, I heard a knock on the windows. I felt frightened as a thief may have intruded within the house. As with what happened when I caused a fire, I immediately became useless. This is only the second time that an emergency happened right in front of me, but it is enough for me to realize how much I need someone to protect me during these dire situations. I was about to unlock the door to my room and leave until I heard his voice from outside the window. The voice was muffled, but being used to it for all the days we've spent together, I recognized that it is really him. My heartbeat slowly calmed down and I managed to relax and breathe a sigh of relief. Since I confirmed his identity, I went to sway aside the curtains before I saw him wearing basically nothing at all. I couldn't help but feel flustered that I just stood there looking directly into his eyes. Then, he suddenly called out for me once more and there he asked me to open the window. Normally, I's be intimidated to see him like that especially at night, but I was too distracted with my initial thought of an emergency that this did not cross my mind. With that, I slid my hand and unlocked it. He opened it using his own hands and asked me if he could enter. I just nodded at him and walked backwards so that he could enter my room. However, I tripped from the comforter which was lying on the floor and upon reflex, I pulled him with me.

I didn't know what exactly happened, but when I opened my eyes he is looking straight at me. I had my air conditioning unit turned on at the time since it's still hot even though it's already night time. Obviously, he came from outside at the balcony so his body is dripping with some sweat. I was about to ask him to move in order for me to stand up before he spoke to me. He told me that for the past two weeks he nearly forgot my face and that looking at it up close feels really different than just by imagining it. With that, he used on of his hand to touch my cheeks. I felt really scared so I closed my eyes and just waited for him to stop. I know he had this tendency for him to harass me, but it seemed like I forgot about this since it has been a long time since he last did this to me. I thought it would with just that before I felt his lips touching mine that I immediately opened my eyes to see him really close to me. It wound have been easy to break-away from it but he used his tongue and I felt extremely weak by the arms. Everything is happening really fast that there is simply nothing that I could think of. All there is was the sight of him and his kiss which felt really uncomfortable at first. Slowly, the aggressive kiss he forced on me became gentler and sweeter. Breathing is really hard that I had a hard time catching my breathe that I felt some hot liquid flowing down from the left side of my lips. The movement of his tongue felt really good that I tried to match what he is doing. The kiss probably lasted for more than ten minutes before he stopped and I opened my teary eyes. He is back to the first position he assumed and his eyes looked like they were shining yet sad.

I had mixed feelings of wanting him to continue and for him to stop, my thoughts were already played around by him. Then, he told me how it was really hard to be separated from me for a really long time. That two weeks is no longer than the three years back in middle school but the pain it caused was a thousand times more. He explained to me the truth about why he did not tell me about the work he had to take. Apparently, he wanted to focus on the work that he was hired to do that the only way for him to accomplish it without distractions was to help him think that I know only of him partaking in a summer training camp. I wanted to ask him about the connection of that as it seemed unreasonable and illogical as for my perspective. But, then he replied as if he heard my query and that he wouldn't suffer from delusions about me thinking about what he'd be doing for the commercial and things related to it. Then, it suddenly made sense as he can focus on the job by thinking that I'm just at his house waiting for the results of the training.

He stopped talking and so I thought it was all over and I could finally sleep, but he opened my shirt with buttons by forcing to break them apart. I let out a weird sound when he touched my breasts and began fondling with it. I felt really hot and kept on telling him to stop but I couldn't complete my words from what seemed like myself moaning. This is something that I am supposed to hate but I wonder why I'm making these sounds now and my breathing is getting faster. It was a while before he took off my brasserie and exposed my bare frontals. It's really embarrassing especially since I'm beginning to think that I'm liking what it is that he is doing to me. However, he wouldn't stop what he is doing and even began to hug me tightly. That time, our face are really close to each other and then he kissed me. That didn't surprise me at all, as I felt something hard near my thighs. It felt like a wooden rolling pin yet it is hot and it kept on pushing on me up and down. He is basically moving his body while he is playing with my tongue with his passionate kiss.

I don't if it was because I wanted to or I did it unconsciously, but I used my hands to embrace him as well. He briefly stopped kissing me before looking at me with a happy gleam in his eyes and he told me that he really loves me. Shortly after, he fondled again with my breasts but this time he sucked one of them and there is a tickling sensation. It seemed like a weakness in my body as I really couldn't move at all and my body is shaking. My heart on the other hand is doing the same and is beating really fast that i could feel it within my chest. What he is doing to me is something that I really hate, but now all I could think of is that I love him and that I'll give him what he desires. I know this is not a correct decision and that I shouldn't think like this, but what I'm feeling at the moment is messing with my thoughts. Then, he proceeded to remove my pajamas using only one of his hand before removing my underwear with his two hands. It was at that moment that I regained my thoughts and realized that what he is doing to me is wrong. However, it's already too late as his finger already went down and played with me. For some reason, it's really painful yet I tried to hold in my voice as the neighbors might hear me.

Seeming that there is nothing that I could do, I embraced him and buried my finger nails on his back. At this moment I could care less about the pain he might be feeling but surprisingly it didn't affect him at all. On the other hand, the pain I'm feeling from his fingers is really unbearable yet it felt really smooth and wet for some reason. I thought that perhaps I peed but it's certainly not possible as I'll know when it happens if at all. In order to relieve the pain and the pleasurable sensation at the same time, I used my hands to hold only his face and force a kiss on him. He proceeded to kiss as well with movements far more refined than what it was earlier. While this is happening, my tears just kept on flowing as if they're like never-ending waterfalls. Surely I regret what I'm doing, but my body is not listening to what I want to do.

He's been playing around with my body for more than an hour now and I know since the clock is just within my sight. I could imagine how I looked with my body fully exposed and my hair all messed up. His sweat already mixed with mine and I thought about how the comforter as well as the carpet may have already been wet from it and that I should wash them the following day. Then, I even thought about how I should really take a bath once more before going to class. I even contemplated regarding what I'll tell my parents regarding what just happened. Even worst was when I thought about how I might actually drop out from school due to a certain accident which could happen. Really, I felt like I'm already ruined and that everything is a mess. If I could only look at my face, I imagine how my eyes are already blank. Finally, I thought it's already over and that he would already enter me when he stopped.

The pain I felt from my bottom slowly dissipated yet it still stings me deeply. Then, what actually brought me back to reality were liquid which flowed like water on my face. Upon carefully looking with my blurry eyes, I saw his face. This is really unimaginable and something that I never dreamed of seeing. Actually, he is crying and it seemed like he regretted what he just did to me even though I just assumed it. I didn't move at all even though I could easily break-free. His tears felt really precious and it emotionally affected me greatly that I touched his cheeks and asked him for the reason. He stayed silent while looking at me without moving an inch. This time, he looked like a young kid who is really lonely. Since I saw him that way, I couldn't help but hug him and pull his body on mine. This is something I wouldn't do, but looking at him left me with no other choice but to console him. I know that he is the one who forcefully harassed me in the first place, but something tells me that I shouldn't bare out all my fangs at him carelessly. Even though we're basically the same age, he looked really fragile and weak at the exact moment I saw his face.

He kept on crying; even though he made no sound at all I could feel it. He is having a hard time breathing like he is catching for air. Yet, he did not talk at all and he just stayed right on top of me. Our bodies are touching each other and I could feel how hot and sweaty he is. Normally, I'd feel disgusted about this, but right now I cannot think just like that. He's crying and I know that it's for a good reason. All I can do now is to wait for him to talk, if ever he would indeed do so. I remembered the very first day I saw his dark side and the times he forced himself on me and I remembered how I felt during those times. Obviously, the way I felt just now is different than the rest. I thought that perhaps it's because I started to love him for he is that it no longer affected me that he'a doing all these things to me. I still hate this, but if it's with him, I wouldn't mind. We've been together for several months now and I know how kind he is. In fact, I would have easily fallen in love with him had I not caught him doing something perverse. This is the truth, and also the truth that I cannot tell at this point in time.

Then, he suddenly pushed his body away from me and wiped away his tears, although his eyes are still teary. I patiently waited for him to actually talk while I just stayed lying on the floor. There, he apologized to me several times and it surprised me. He didn't utter any other word aside from the apologies. His apologies didn't have any feeling of sincerity in them, but a feeling of regret. He then sat down and I managed to do so as well as I covered myself with the comforter. Soon, he told me that he regretted what he just did. He was overwhelmed with a lust for me. He even began to question his feelings of love for me and if he just wanted me for my body and nothing more. I could tell that he is really in pain at this moment and he's really sorry for what he did to me. This is the first time I saw him make this kind of face, it was sad yet sweet. This is also the first time that I saw him cry the way he is now, a young boy in his teens. I feel guilty for thinking like this, but this is the cutest face I saw from him, it's like he's really vulnerable. Then, he talked again and told me that he knows that I hate him for doing all those kinds of things to me yet he still did it without regard for my feelings. I'm surprised, despite how he messed around with my body, he was thinking of this all along. Tears fall from his eyes again and he apologized to me once more and told me he'll avoid me once and for all, especially for how he caused me pain both emotionally and physically.

Eventually, I moved closer towards him and placed my forehead on his. I know why I did this, and that this is due to the feelings inside my heart. I may have suffered from the brunt of everything, but he too is battling with his own problem. He's too obsessed with me especially for my body, but there's something else entirely different. For one, I realized once more that he really loves and cares for me deeply. I know, because he didn't go all the way and stopped before he actually put it in. After all, he could easily just enter me and that tears wouldn't fall from his eyes in the first place. It's always said that a guy never cries except for during the times of extreme emotions for the girl they really love. He is really kind and considerate after all, despite what he does to me. Then, I looked at him with his eyes again looking at me, obviously surprised with what I just did. He then gently pushed me away from myself and I know he's trying to distance himself from me. It doesn't take someone who can read another person's feelings to realize how much he is suffering deep inside.

He looked away from me at that moment and began to stand up and leave before I grabbed his arm and told him to stay. He was bewildered with what I just told him and what I did that it caught him off-guard. With that, he sat down as I told him to. Perhaps he is thinking how I really hare him for violating me so I spoke. I told him that I don't really hate him as well as what he just did to me. I told him that he shouldn't suffer like that since he didn't even go all the way and he stopped at that exact point. I tried to comfort him to the best of my abilities yet he just kept on looking away from me with feelings of regret. Since he is like this, I decided to embrace him without regard for how the comforter that covered my body slid down. I kept on repeating how I don't hate him and praising him for how much he changed these past few months. He just stayed silent, but this time I reached his heart as his shaking finally stopped. This is really something beyond me, but perhaps love transcends all that which you may think is impossible, but I don't hate this feeling and that's a fact.

Then, as i tried to move my arms on his back, I felt with my palm how there were wounds on his back. Thus, I moved and looked at his back and saw that they're bleeding and were cut with what seemed like my fingernails. Since I did this to him, I ordered him to take a bath as soon as possible and return back to my room afterwards after thirty minutes. I told him not to wear a shirt, but just bring one. It seemed out of place, but he did just that. On the other hand, I went to the bathroom myself and took a bath. However, the moment I touched myself at the bottom, it was really painful. It scared me, especially since how there are small traces of blood. But, I know full well that he didn't do it to me and obviously were just his fingers. Still, it is really painful so I gently washed it with lukewarm water. Then, while bathing I could imagine what he did to me as I touched around my body. I felt embarrassed since I felt guilty for liking all that he did to me. Although, I know that this isn't what anyone would call a healthy relationship at all. Eventually, I finished bathing and went out to dress myself with a new pair of sleepwear.

I brightened the lights to my room and got the first-aid kit outside. I waited for him until he knocked and the door and I told him to come in. What greeted me was him without his shirt on and I saw his torso. I felt flustered since the light made me see himself in great detail but I tried to regain my composure. I motioned for him to sit on the bed which he did. I'm already on the bed so I just moved closer to him. I took out the medical supplies and started to disinfect and clean his wounds. He cringed a little from the pain and I asked him why he didn't feel anything earlier. There, he told me that he didn't knew there were wounds on his back in the first place. This is weird, but I decided to continue what I was doing. Eventually, I finished and used the band aids to cover each one of them. Upon closer inspection, his back is full of band aids that I couldn't help but laugh. I couldn't stop that he looked at me with questioning eyes. I told him to pay no mind to me and then helped him put his shirt on.

Eventually, he motioned that he'll go back to his room. Before he could actually leave, I told him to have a good night's sleep and for him to prepare breakfast by morning. He looked at me and nodded in affirmation before finally leaving my room. I told him this so that he wouldn't do something reckless and leave the house again. With that, I lied on my bed and began to sleep which felt quite different than normal. This time, I felt really good that I immediately fell asleep and I don't know if it is from being exhausted or something entirely different.