A Childhood Relationship Chapter I: THE BEGINNING AND DISTANCE

Chapter 4

CHAPTER IV: WHAT IS LOVE

As if this is not bad enough, my mom asked me to bring him food. Although I didn't feel like being alone with him inside his house, I had no other choice but to oblige as my parents are not aware of what I witnessed with my own eyes. For one, I cannot tell them about something as awkward as that. The food smelled good so it kept me going until I reached his house. As soon as I placed the food on the dining table like usual, I hurried outside seeming he might have already heard me. If only I could tell his parents to replace their lock, sadly I'm not that thick-faced to do so. Sure enough, as expected, he came rushing down the stairs that I hurried yet couldn't even open the lock on the door to the point that I even dropped the keys to his house which I will use to lock it afterwards. I knelt on the floor and grabbed the keys and was eventually able to open the door until he grabbed my arm and closed the door shut in front of me. The locking mechanism was all that I became aware of as I was still flustered since the sight of that night flashes back to my mind with his grip and all.

Immediately, I told him to let go and allow me to go home. Yet, he wouldn't, even though he was already hurting me with his tight grip that I know that it would leave a mark afterwards. He finally talked and he told me how my avoiding him all this time was really painful and unbearable. I rebutted and told him that I was the one who is actually being hurt by his grip. Also, seeming that he asked me a dumb question, I told him how he was the first one who avoided me in the first place so he absolutely has no right to reprimand me regarding it. Then, for some reason I don't know, he blushed and he began to sweat before he covered his face with his other arm. Eventually, I told him that the discussion between us is over and that we shouldn't associate ourselves anymore as there will only be a past between the two us. With that, his tight grip suddenly weakened and so I was able let go of his hand. At that moment, I took the opportunity to walk away from him and leave once and for all.

I was about to open the door and leave when he romantically confessed that he loves me. I was surprised with what I heard on the spot, especially when it wasn't something I initially expected, more so, coming from him. There, he finally told me the reason why he avoided me in the first place. He told me how he was consumed by his desire of lust for my own body when we entered middle school and that he didn't want to form himself on me to violate me. Thus, the only feasible way he could do without compromising our deep bond was to avoid me altogether. Another one he did was to even go out and play around with girls to distract himself. However, no matter who, he cannot bring himself to love other girls. So this is the only reason as to why he did all that including beating up people. He even apologized again for that night and he asked me if I can forget about it and to pretend that night never happened. I was confused at first but then it all came to me, why would he know things about me like when I went to a hotel with my ex-boyfriend; why would he knock down my ex-boyfriend; why did he kissed me; why would he call my name while playing with himself; why would he tell these things to me; why did he confess his love to me; and mostly, why is he acting this way in front of me. I fused them all together and then I realized that perhaps he really is in love with me and painfully at that as he endured having to avoid me for a little more than three years. He sacrificed that time just so he would not make me cry and hate him forever.

I didn't know that something like this we call love would drift us apart and I didn't even realize it till just now. I wasn't aware of his feelings at all that I thought about how going out with another guy really hurt him badly. After all, he had to endure seeing me for a month with my boyfriend yet he respected my relationship. Lastly, he told me how he loves me and he'll do anything for me no matter what it is. I didn't know what to say, but one thing's for sure, I can never fall in love with someone like him, we can only be just childhood friends. We cannot go beyond this kind of childhood relationship, especially after knowing about his true self. With that, I left his house without saying a single word, I didn't even lock the door, let alone close it. Just like that, I walked straight to my house while thinking about a lot of things regarding everything he told me. It was too much to handle in a single day.

I reached my house without realizing that I was already there. I unlocked the door, opened it and went straight to the dining table as my mother called me for dinner. I sat there and she asked me why I took quite some time just to deliver food. Due to this, she even teased me how I'm starting to get close to him again just like the old times. In order to not make a scene or for her to ask even more, I told her that we merely talked for a while. Since I know my mother's personality well as her only daughter, I know that she will stop right after. With that, we proceeded to eat the exact same food I brought to his house. The smell made me remember everything he told me. Even though the food was delicious, I wasn't able to finish my food. I told my thanks before finally going back to my room. Of course, my mother asked me if that was enough, so I told her that I ate a lot at the school cafeteria earlier. As soon as I entered my room, I immediately lied down on my bed and took my cell phone from the side table. It was there that I noticed the reddish hand grip in my arm and felt that it was hot. This proves how much force he used on my arm at that time. Not only is he violent, he is also perverted, the total opposite of the kind of guy that I prefer. Thus, it really is impossible for me to consider his feelings.

Now that I think about it, what is the truth behind love. Is it merely as science tells it a series of chemical signals released by our brain in response to the opposite s*x or something more simple. However, on the popular free online encyclopedia, Wekipedia, it says that love is an emotion felt from the hypothalamus located in the brain which is also responsible for involuntary movements like breathing. However, a published encyclopedia like the one in my father's personal library talks about how it is from the amygdala which is also responsible for emotions like fear. There are a lot explanations for love and they're all different, but they are also similar in that all of them are related to the brain. So, what is it that he is feeling for me now, that is the one thing I don't know, or better yet, something that I do not want to know. It would be better if he could just stop loving me, that way I wouldn't be troubled by him any longer. Truthfully, he's just a distraction to me unlike when I once pictured him in the past. To think that a crybaby like him would turn into what he is now, a filth to society.

The moment I woke up the following day, I realized something I forgot last night. That it has been a little more than three years since we last had a serious talk, and that now it's specially awkward for him to confess to me his feelings. All along, I thought of him as nothing more than just a forgotten childhood friend so it's not that easy to change my thoughts about him just like that. So, I decided to not reciprocate his feelings for me since I don't want to sacrifice my own happiness just for him. Indeed, for added clarification and as for suggestions, I asked my friends again regarding a childhood friend becoming a romantic interest. Then, they told me how something like that breeds one of the most wonderful and interesting love, yet at the same time it may also destroy whatever and everything we had in the past.

Seeming that keeping things from them is hard, I finally told them how the person who was always looking at me confessed his feelings to me. They giggled when they heard it since he was my childhood friend and they were surprised that he actually confessed to me. However, they told me to be careful around him since he loves to play around with girls. As if a sudden coincidence while talking about him, he approached us and he asked my friends if he can join us for lunch later at the cafeteria. After looking at each other for a while, they agreed anonymously so I wasn't able to partake my own decision of negation.

I was thinking about why he would join us for lunch at a time like this. I was too distracted that I did not realize that it was already time for lunch. As we bought our food and took a free table at the cafeteria, they were already talking about a lot of things and they've been asking a lot of things about our past. The only thing I noticed was he was talking enthusiastically. Actually, I felt like I was stuck in a corner that I hated my present situation. Little did I know, this kind of thing would became our usual routine and in fact he would even accompany me as I go home. This continued for a little more than a month before I finally told him how he has no chance with me no matter what he does. Even if he can sway the feelings of my friends, I will never acknowledge him. Lastly, I told him never to approach as again because it is annoying and is really uncomfortable for me.

He then asked me if he was another person, would I accept his feelings. I stopped for a moment before I told him that we hadn't talked for a long time so him still being in love with me is really unnatural. With that, he told me that if we started going out, we can learn a lot more about each other like we used to in the past. However, even if he said that, I will never budge, especially after seeing that scene from that night as I cannot seem to forget about it and his personality. So, I finally told him that he should stop talking to me or else I will really start to hate him for good. With that final blow, I was finally able to shut him off as he left with a sad and unmotivated look on his face. At the time, we were walking home and he had a happy smile on his face, but this disappeared at that instance. I thought that it was already over and that he'll no longer bother me as I looked at his back while he walks away. However, I did not expect what would happen the following week which would turn our lives around forever. I may have managed to stop him from having lunch with us and him talking to me, but there are things I just cannot stop with merely talking alone.

Author's Note: Surprisingly, I found it annoying as to how I exhaustively described love in this chapter. Nevertheless, this will certainly (finger's crossed) never happen again. I still remember the time when I checked every single source regarding "love" to the point that I even made use of an encyclopedia. Well, that's all for the noticeable issue here.