Burnt Flower

Cold Shawl 3

I came across Firebukunmi at one of those terminal stages of my stay at Paradigm. It was a Monday, and I had gone to Barry Jay's office to sign out and work on my CBTs. That's when I saw this pretty angel. She stood tall and fierce and had the cold stare that commanded my stance. Barry was trying, as usual, to tickle her into some episode of interactive flirt, but she only gave the man provoking and subduing responses. It was quick to ascertain she wasn't the type you wanna mess with in broad daylight. I gulped down my infatuation and settled to commit to my obligations.

She got registered as a day student at the center. That didn't come as an obstacle to seeing her every day, since I was more of the overdue-stay guy. But the more I saw her, the more I got drawn to her. At first, I thought it was 'cuz of her unfiltered beauty, but then I realized it was because she was different — different from other gals in every way. She had no room to entertain nonsense, and from my viewpoint, no one had so much as the courage to confront her. She was an abyss, waiting for you to take a misstep into her open trap. But no matter how much vicious and dangerous she posed, it only attracted me in a rather appealing manner.

Then one day in class, I spoke to her. It wasn't that kinda sweet dramatic conversation that you'd expect to bring two lovers in a tale together. Rather, it was quite stale and blunt. She looked up at me from her writing and simply asked:

"Can I help you with something?"

I felt my feet drag, but I wasn't simply about to lose composure, so I continued:

"Actually, you just might."

"Mhm mmh… how so?" She was staring at me dead in the eyes now.

"The thing is… I don't know, but I've not really seen you much around people in this area. It's like you're mostly concealed to yourself." She gave me a long, agonizing look.

"I don't want a friend, and I don't see myself begging for one," she stated simply. Just then, her mathematics tutor came in, and I had to end the conversation.

"Umm… okay. I'll see you around," but she only just went back to her writing.

The next day, I decided to pitch my luck again. This time, it was a lot better. Though she still held some stiff spot in her response, we kinda got along. During closing time, I walked her to the street just to discover our places were a bit interwoven. Her hand kept hitting mine while she told me about school, and that funnily turned me on. I could only imagine the catastrophe that such a situation might have uncovered if only she discovered I had gotten a bone just by her touch. When we were about to depart, I asked for her contact, but she said I was only still just some stranger to her. That hit real deep, but I had to drown it in a pool of hope.

When I got home, I went into my f*******: to add her up… but none of the names I saw represented her personality. So I gave up at the end of the day.

The next day was a lot more interesting because I got to sit with her through a classless session, and we just talked. She still seemed her cold self, but irrespective, she still responded to me and even mentioned the fact that I might just have a chair at her table as a friend. We walked home together again, and just like that, it became a tradition.

At one point, I asked if she'd like to meet on a Saturday to study — just the two of us, of course. She told me she wasn't sure, but if the shop where she worked for her mom was closed, she'd show up. Before the date, I informed Barry, who cautioned me to be careful around her but reluctantly gave me the key to the class. It wouldn't have mattered whether she came or not — it was habitual of me to study at the center every weekend.

But she came anyways, looking like she’d donned herself with exotic beauty, and I was more than happy that she did. I left her in the class to get us some biscuits, not thinking it'd be some date, but a study session could use some snacks. She, however, declined the offer, and I was forced to consume the whole thing.

Being alone with her took a different hold on me, and I'd to convince my feelings they were playing tricks I didn't like. When I started taking her on some of the English we'd done so far, she told me she found it a lot confusing. So I'd to spend an eternity breaking it into debris for her. At the end, she said she'd make an attempt to study it more properly at home. Seeing that she was obsolete about the idea of a further study session, I decided to bring in the big gun, hoping it wouldn't blow into my face.

"So… do you have a boyfriend?" I questioned, looking skeptical whether now wasn't a bad time for such. She didn't give a reply and only looked on.

"Uh… okay… how about a best friend?" This time she turned her head back to the book.

"I don't do best friends. They end up being the worst."

"But at least, you should have someone you care about." That's when she gave me one of those cold stares.

"I'm not interested."

Somehow, that shook me. Here I was, trying to impress and hold a normal conversation with this chick, and all she could do was flaunt her upsetting phlegmatism.

"Y'know… you're the reason why guys like me would never have a voice to approach gals like you."

"It's not like that…"

"Then I guess I'll never understand how it is."

That day, while going home, we didn't talk much to each other. Then I used the opportunity to tell her I looked her up on f*******: but didn't find her. She turned to me and said she did the same but couldn't find me as well. That softened the issue a bit. She gave me her account name before leaving.

---

Things got a lot easier after that day. We texted so often and got a lot used to each other. She even made friends with a couple of other people, and she somehow found my company soothing. But that was the complication. I didn't want to be her friend or her BFF as she tends to want to make me. I wanted to be closer to her — special to her. I wanted what we had to have more meaning.

Somehow, maybe because of our attached relationship, I got obsessed. My obsession was so that I erased every other living being and so much concentrated on her. It got much worse to an extent I'd leave home at dark and trek as long as my feet would allow me to her vicinity (which is, of course, one hell of a journey) hoping I might be lucky enough to spot her and spend more time with her. I was hopeless. It got to an extent it became noticeable — even by the director — and he started tagging me her boyfriend. Of course, I didn't let that get to me. Not when I so much wanted to be one.

She, on the other hand, got so free with me. She sought assistance with her academic support but never derailed to anything concerning emotions. When I realized I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to pull that string and ask her out. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

On that day, I was busy with my CBT as usual, but I excused myself so I could walk her through the moment. After discussing the day's event, I brought it up:

"There's something I'd like to tell you," I started. She looked onward towards home without facing me.

"Okay…" Then there was a long pause. My mind was racing like crazy, screaming this was a bad time, but I couldn't back out now. It felt too late.

"I have feelings for you." No response. She just kept walking and looking straight on.

"Idk… would you like to be my gal?" My soul might as well have departed from me.

"No," she said simply.

Actually, I didn't really feel the impact then. I mean, I was expecting it, but I thought I could handle it. So yeah, I only replied with an "Okay" and raced back to the center. That night, my heart was all soaked up I could listen to its bloodied water splattering on the floor. I hated myself for doing it. More or less, I hated her for not dropping me without a thud.

I moved past that painstakingly. I never queried her on the reason why she deemed me unfit, though. I mean, we live in that world where those you admire never exact the same energy, while those that admire you never touched an inch of your heart. It's f****d up, but it is what it is.

We got even closer after the experience, and I still saw her the same way I did. She got even more playful around and chided me whenever she got the chance. Sometimes she'd give me a gentle tap on my head while resting on the table. At times she'd pick up my phone just to take pictures of herself. She was really fun on the inside, and I loved her even more.

Once we were heading towards home, I intended to give her some novels in my PDF, but we got lost in hours of conversation. When she got to her junction, she persuaded me to let her walk me even further. That was quite unusual, but she did. When she finally decided to change course, I told her she would have made a perfect girlfriend. She gave a short laugh and said she'd text me later that night over something. Then she tried to give me a hug, but I was already reaching out for a handshake. Then she tried to switch it into a handshake while I lifted my arms for a hug. It got so awkward that we eventually had to give in to a half hug, half shake.

That night, during our conversation online, she informed me why she couldn't date. It was purely because she had a boyfriend. I was taken aback. She could love? Even thorns have their roses. She said she didn't want me to change in my attitude with her. That's why she held back.

I mean, who would have known?

I couldn't help my heart either way, so I told her it was alright. I was always going to understand her anyways. I inquired who the lucky guy was and well… I would have crushed on him myself to say I was a gal. He was super cute and all… so I tried to hold no grudge. I was the imposter anyways.

After that episode, things got on well… until they didn’t.

It started when Fire (short for Firebukunmi) gave Barry Jay a rude response. This got the director on edge, and he suspended her. She got frightened because it might pull a discord between her and her folks. So when she reached out to me, I decided to assist in the way I could. I went to the big man's office to plead on her behalf. Of course, he got all arrogant, but I had to subjugate myself so I could fulfill my intent — even to the extent of prostrating at his feet.

He decided he’d look into the matter. But more importantly, he was stunned over my act. He didn’t realize how much I’d go to make sure she was forgiven, and this pricked his gut so he started resenting the relationship we held. In the end, she was reinstated back to the tutorial. But as if that was not enough, he kept his eyes fixated on us like an eagle against its prey.

After my episode with Khadijat that got me suspended, he went on to fill in lies about the sketchy relationship that was between Fire and I. When I got back and discovered this, I was so scared she’d see me differently. But she only ever got closer to me.

Then one day, while I was writing my CBT, Barry Jay started a complaint. He wanted the students to vacate the classroom, but I was just in his office, writing a trial examination. When the order got to me, I was too late to get my ass down to the classroom for my bag. That was when Fire came in with it. It was obviously the director’s office, so she was in every way covered with eyes. I was just about completing the exam, so she dropped it in my lap.

"The things we do for love…" Barrister Jay’s voice came pouring out like a pot of hot pepper soup. We ignored him, and she waited downstairs for me to finish my exam. When I was done, I grabbed my bag and joined her.

"The man is so full of himself," I heard her saying.

The next day, however, came with a different puzzle. I didn’t go to the center but left for the library instead. When I was done reading, I decided to hang around a friend whose house was pretty close to the library. That was when her message came in. It read:

"I'm in deep trouble. Barrister Jay has ruined me. He reported to my mom claiming I was used to seeing some guy on my way from the center. Now Mom is really mad at me. What in the Lord’s name will I do?"

I fell on the bed gently and stared at the message for a lifetime without having a clue on the next course of action. It was like Despair had come knocking on my door. This wasn't just gonna ruin her. It’d ruin my reputation also ‘cuz apparently I’m the one-way-traffic guy.

After taking it all in and realizing it was but true, I placated her and told her lots of comforting stuff. It was not her fault. It was neither of our faults. We were only trying to live and perhaps care for each other. But the blow was quite massive — it separated us almost permanently. She had to refrain from me and, in the end, the tutorial.

She made me promise, though, that I was never going to change towards her. I’d remain the ever-loving friend and ally. That night, she also informed me she did love me. Loved me even over her boyfriend. She said I was smart and amazing, and I responded to her the way no one does. That truly lit my night, and I found myself dissolving into the idea of our still being together. We became a lot more intimate in the virtual world, and she began to generate disinterest for her boyfriend.

It started off as a light-hearted joke. Then someday, when she came with the guy to see me — at that time, Barrister Jay had left for the USA — I was assisting to manage the tutorial affairs. The way she looked at me almost gave her off in front of the guy, and I had to improvise with some ridiculous subject. When they left, I heaved a sigh and decided to work towards keeping their relationship significant. At this, I started avoiding her. Not directly, but unknowingly. I did it so perfectly that it seemed I wasn’t really at fault.

She saw this, of course, and it broke her heart. When we stopped talking for three months, I called to check on her and she rambled over my attitude towards her. I had become suddenly uncaring and busy. I consoled her, apparently, and vowed to never leave her anymore — especially when I learned she had broken up with her boyfriend.

It was a one-way ticket for me. Except that at the time, I had already surrounded myself with new friends. I was going to a new environment, and she was a cold shawl — my someone who could never remain so to me. I tried to keep my promise, but time mocked my efforts. I got lost in my new world and ended up losing her in the mist. She also gave up.

The next time I texted her, I was but a stranger in her response. She hated me for it, which she had every right to. I tried to make things work again, but it was just not good enough. I created a lotta excuses. For instance, she was underage. I was a long distance from her. We had enough on our hands already.

In the end, the only thing that mattered was the fact that I never tried to stay.

But we both moved past that. And sometimes, we do still steal conversation at each other. The elation had died, but there was still a speck of passion.

My brother told me one Sunday night:

"Someday, I believe you're gonna end up with Firebukunmi."