Next Door

3

When I opened my eyes, I couldn't hear anything but the sound of my own breathing. The exhaustion of the last week had set in so heavily that I fell asleep without even turning from left to right. What woke me up was undoubtedly the pain in my stomach. I had starved myself for so long that I almost vomited on an empty stomach. I lifted myself from the bed where I had fallen asleep. When I took off my headphones, frightened, it was silent.Thinking for a moment that I was deaf, I snapped my fingers in my ears. Yes, both ears were healthy and there was no music coming from next door.

I breathed a sigh of relief and picked up my phone from the floor and walked to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet seat, I turned on the water in the shower, indecisive between the limited number of places nearby that delivered. I ordered a large pizza, large fries and a large Coke and threw myself in the shower. At least it would last me a few days. I'd eat the fries now and put the pizza in the fridge and nibble on it when I got hungry.

While I was waiting for the pizza to be absorbed, I had made a long shopping list, starting with the breakfast order from Getir that I had downloaded last night. Thinking about the stairs, for a moment I dreamed of going and getting it myself, but I couldn't go up fourteen flights of stairs by myself, so I divided the shopping into ten pieces and ordered it. I was going to take ten people up fourteen flights, but I thought it would be better than taking one person up with those bags.

When the doorbell rang, I jumped out of my seat. I guess it was the only part that wasn't stolen, since the intercom camera that shows the entrance door is no longer worth anything. When I looked outside, the pizzeria owner was looking at me with a displeased smile on his face. I could see his motorcycle behind him, which he had left at the entrance. I opened the door and searched for my wallet among the things for a long time.

After the pizza, I couldn't sit down to eat properly until my potatoes were cold. When I finally got to the potatoes with the sauces I had ordered, they were cold, and I had lost my appetite after shoveling a few pieces into my mouth. As I drank the last of my beer, I lay down on the couch and turned on the TV and turned on a random movie. I lay on my stomach, sipped my beer and watched the movie about Princess Diana. It was a short movie and I expected to fall asleep, but I couldn't. As I thought about choosing another movie, I kept coming across movies based on books and I insisted on not watching movies that I had never managed to read the books.

I was trying to choose between Nolan's Batman movies when I heard the music coming from the other side of the wall and I rolled my eyes as if he could see me. The music was disturbing me even more as I tried to focus on the movie I had chosen at random, which didn't even match my movie watching preferences. I turned off the TV and returned to the kitchen to make the French fry sauce I'd seen perhaps months before. Shopping bags and the two one-and-a-half-liter bottles of water I ordered with each courier occupied the kitchen.

My brother usually cooked for me or we would order take-out. Even as a child, he would leave me food and go out.I had never tried to cook on my own, Ecmel making me dinner was the most precious thing I had in the world and I didn't want to give it up.

By the time I was ten years old, Ecmel had already dropped out of high school. Our parents didn't give us money or feed us. Sometimes they were so high on booze and drugs that they played with us like children, forced us to drink or drugged us and tried to get us drunk. Despite all this, I could never be angry with them, I felt sorry for them when I saw them sleeping. It was like I was born to be their mother.

My brother had started a day job just to be with me more and worked while I was at school. He was a successful student, smart. That's why the vice principal of the school found enough help for him to keep us going. We finished high school with the help that came to us secretly from our family, but after that it was never the same for Ecmel.As soon as he came of age, he took me away from that house with him and dragged me with him to Istanbul. He was taking care of me by working and studying, and I was trying to be successful for him. Now, it bothered me to be at such a low point. I was dependent on my brother again.

I threw the frying pan into the sink, cursing at the cheddar cheese burning on the stove. The vents weren't working, so I had to open the windows and the hood. I was angry at my incompetence and threw myself back into the living room and began to eat the cold potatoes with rage. I had to do something. I knew that if I went out and tried to defend myself, I would sink even further because even the truths I had didn't make sense. As soon as I criminalized him, the drug dealer whose name I didn't even want to mention, the people who were now standing in front of me would instantly attack me and step on me and crush me.

The only thing that would make me stronger was music.

Even though I had tossed the sound system aside, I hadn't installed any of its parts. After fiddling with it for a long time, I hung my guitar around my neck and closed my eyes. The sound of the electric guitar drowned out my own pure voice, but as I imagined myself repeating other people's songs with notes I knew by heart and playing with my own band, I remembered how I used to get excited by the sound of people in a crowded bar.

I was the strong woman I described in my lyrics, nothing could break me, nothing could trick me, nothing could drag me down.

Now I was letting it all happen.

I had only been able to fiddle with my guitar for half an hour, and while I was looking at the lyrics of another song, I suddenly found myself loading Twitter. As my fingers hovered over the search engine, I saw "Marifet" at the top of the headlines and "New Soloist" two rows below it.

When I went to the "New Soloist" heading, one after the other photos of my vocalist and Mery, the second guitarist of the band, on stage appeared in front of me. They were all of me, but I had been cut out of the corner. I snorted with ambition.

"Marifet made a very good decision to make the vocalist the lead singer instead of hiring new members, look at her, she's on fire,"

"A long overdue decision"

"Finally Meryyyy!"

When I came across Mery's video among the tweets, I opened it with trembling hands. It was an announcement she made on her i********: account, "Hi guys, you know what a hard time we've been going through," and then she immediately hugged her boyfriend Atıl, who was sitting on her lap, and after kissing him on the lips, she said, "We've overcome this like everything else, you loved Marifet as it is and we don't want to welcome someone new.We're fine, we can't get hurt again. Thank you, guys. We love you guys very much. Tickets for our concert at Jolly Joker Kıyı Istanbul will go on sale tomorrow at 9 am, we will be waiting for you with longing," he said and I felt my chest ache when he smiled and waved to the camera with my own band, including my brother. It was my band, but already everyone had made Mery the band. Everyone was rooting for her.

F*ck.

I threw the phone across the room, clenching my fists, my long nails digging into my palms. I didn't want to cry but I felt like I had lost my child. All the songs I had written, the band I had formed, the melodies I had carefully composed... It was as if they had all been taken away from me and buried seven layers under the ground. I felt like I had given it all up in a pool of blood.

I walked into the bedroom without loosening my clenched fists. "How many times have I told you not to listen to music so loud," I screamed as I stood on the bed and punched the wall, tears filling my eyes. As I hit the wall with my foot, my palms, my fists, my whole body shook with pain and tears rolled down my cheeks.

I had done it.

I had prepared all the good things for them and presented them to them on a golden platter. Didn't they love me enough to turn their backs on me without questioning me? Was it a lie? Was it a lie that we hugged, that we stayed up all night together, that we stood on each other's shoulders while chasing concerts? Did they hate me so much that they turned on me so quickly? I had given them everything.



"Enough!" I shouted, I wasn't even sure if he heard me, "Shut up, enough!" I shouted.