SURVIVING THE LOVE OF AN ALPHA

FOUR

NIKOLAI

The moon hung high above the treetops, casting silver light over the pack grounds. I stood at my office window, staring out into the night, but my mind was miles away—back in the forest, where I’d left her. The white wolf. The stranger. The one who shouldn’t have mattered, and yet, she did.

My fingers curled into a fist against the window frame. The mate bond. I could still feel the lingering pull of it, an unseen thread wrapped around my soul, tightening with every breath. It had been years since I’d last felt anything like it. Years since I’d buried the last remnants of hope beneath duty and survival. But fate didn’t care about my past. It didn’t care about my grief or the promise I had made to myself.

I exhaled sharply, pushing off the window and pacing across the room. This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

My mate was gone. I’d accepted that, learned to live with the hollow space in my chest where she used to be. And now—

Now, the emptiness I had made peace with stirred, shifting like a beast waking from hibernation. The bond I once thought severed forever pulsed to life, raw and unrelenting, a force I couldn’t ignore. It clawed at my ribs, dragging my thoughts back to her—white fur like freshly fallen snow, eyes burning with defiance and something else, something that called to the most primal part of me.

It wasn’t possible. It wasn’t fair.

The gods were cruel to give me a second chance, to ignite a bond I wasn’t sure I had the strength to honor. Aubrey had been my mate. My first. My only. The one I vowed to cherish until my last breath. But she was gone, and I had buried that part of myself with her.

Hadn’t I?

Yet, my wolf knew the truth before I was willing to admit it. The bond with the stranger in the moonlight wasn’t some mistake. It was real, burning through my resolve like wildfire, demanding to be acknowledged.

And I hated it.

Because to have a mate meant to have something to lose. And I’d already lost too much.

A flash of white fur against the moonlit forest floor. The sharp intelligence in her eyes. The way she moved, fierce and untamed.

Damn it.

The door creaked open, and Kara strode in without knocking. As always. My beta had a knack for showing up when I least wanted company. She leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, dark eyes gleaming with amusement.

“You’re brooding,” she said.

“I don’t brood.”

Kara snorted. “Right. And I don’t notice when my Alpha goes completely silent for hours after an encounter with a mysterious she-wolf.”

I shot her a look, but she only smirked.

“How did you…?” I asked, baffled.

“Best nose in the pack, remember?” She tapped a finger to her nose and flicked her shoulder length dark hair.

“I don’t even know who she is,” I muttered.

“Doesn’t matter.” Kara stepped closer, dropping into the chair across from my desk. “You felt it, didn’t you?”

I didn’t answer. Didn’t have to. She knew. My silence was enough.

Kara’s smirk softened into something almost sympathetic. “Nik, you can’t fight this.”

“I can and I will.”

She sighed, shaking her head. “Why? Because of Aubrey?”

A muscle in my jaw twitched. I didn’t answer, but the tension in my body spoke for me.

Aubrey had been my mate. The love of my life. And I had failed her.

Kara’s voice softened. “She wouldn’t want you to close yourself off forever.”

My hands curled into fists at my sides. “That’s not the point. I don’t even know this wolf. I don’t know her name, where she came from, what she wants.”

“Then find out.”

I exhaled harshly, dragging a hand through my hair. “It’s not that simple. The mate bond—it’s a weakness.”

Kara scoffed, rolling her eyes. “That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”

“It makes you vulnerable,” I said, voice tight. “It gives someone the power to hurt you, to take you apart piece by piece. I can’t afford that. Not again.”

Kara studied me for a long moment, then stood, arms crossing over her chest. “You’re not the same man you were back then, Nik. And she’s not Aubrey.”

I knew that. But knowing didn’t make it easier.

Kara let out a slow breath, her gaze flicking to the fire crackling in the hearth. Shadows danced along the walls, flickering with the weight of unspoken things. When she looked back at me, something raw lingered in her eyes, something I didn’t have the heart to name.

“Nikolai,” she said, voice quieter this time, “this is something most wolves only get to experience once in their lifetimes. And though it’s rare, you get to have another chance at love. Don’t throw it away because you’re afraid.”

She looked away then, her fingers flexing against her arms, and guilt twisted in my gut.

I knew what this meant to her. Kara had spent years searching for her mate, only to come up empty every time. The ache of it settled in her bones, in the way she watched mated pairs with longing she never spoke aloud. She would give anything for the chance I was being handed.

And I? I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist.

The room was too quiet, the air thick with things I didn’t want to feel.

“You think it’s that easy?” I muttered. “To just…accept it? To let someone in, knowing what it could cost?”

“No,” she said. “I think it’s terrifying.”

I frowned. She stepped closer, her expression softer now, less teasing, more understanding.

“But I also think it’s worth it.”

I wanted to argue. I wanted to push back, to tell her she didn’t understand. But that would be a lie.

Kara understood loss. She understood longing.

I looked away, my throat tight.

“I can’t afford to be reckless.”

“Is that what you think this is? Reckless?” Kara shook her head. “Nik, the mate bond isn’t some inconvenience you can ignore. It’s fate.”

“Fate is cruel.”

“Maybe,” she said. “But it’s also a gift.”

I let out a slow breath, pressing my fingers into my temples. My thoughts were a mess, tangled with memories I didn’t want to relive and possibilities I wasn’t ready to face.

Kara gave me a moment before speaking again.

“You don’t have to make a decision right now. But don’t push this away just because it scares you.”

I wanted to tell her I wasn’t scared. That I was just being cautious. But that would be another lie.

I was scared.

Scared of what this bond meant. Scared of what it could take from me.

Scared of the way I already felt drawn to a wolf whose name I didn’t even know.

Kara placed a hand on my shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze before stepping back. “Just think about it, Nik.”

She turned and walked toward the door, pausing with her hand on the handle. “And if you won’t listen to me, then at least listen to your wolf.”

With that, she was gone, leaving me alone with nothing but the crackling fire and the war waging inside me.

I clenched my jaw and exhaled through my nose.

The mate bond was a weakness.

And yet, it was the strongest thing I had ever felt.

After Kara left, I sank into my chair, rubbing a hand over my face. The white wolf filled my mind again, the memory of her scent lingering like a whisper against my skin. The way she had fought, wild and relentless. The moment our eyes met when the battle ended, when we stood there, breathless, shifting back into our human forms.

I had seen the same shock in her expression. She had felt it too.

And yet, neither of us spoke of it. We had parted ways without a word, but the bond remained. Unbreakable. Unrelenting.

I couldn’t afford this. But as I sat in the quiet of my office, feeling the undeniable pull toward a woman I didn’t even know, I realized something else.

I didn’t think I could walk away either.

I didn’t understand why this was happening to me, I didn’t think I had done anything to warrant this blessing from the moon goddess, especially when there were so many like Kara who were still searching for their mates.

For a second, I let myself be open to the idea of having a mate again, the feeling of loving someone that fiercely that always felt like falling down an endless chasm and a reluctant smile tugs at my lips.

I shake the feeling off once I remember that I am Alpha of the Black Moon pack and I had responsibilities, I can’t stay with my head in the clouds like a lovesick pup.