Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I don't know what to do. What should we do? What should I do? Things after papa's death never been easy for me, for us, with Seth to cope up. Hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring ideya ang pumasok sa isipan ko kung ano'ng gagawin. It's still so fresh. After Papa was buried, we went back to our house and almost half of our things were gone after Papa's relatives took it. They even gone mad at us when they ask for the left properties but we showed nothing.

The closest family we had right now was our mama's sister. She offered us to live with her and her family but we refused. They were poor I can't bear to give them another baggage on their shoulders.

And because I brought Papa's surname, Seth and I will be having his left properties. On the last will and testament, it was also said there that his relatives has no rights to meddle with his money.

Huminga ako nang malalim at tiningnan ang credit card sa aking kamay. Papa transferred all of his money to us before he died. That only means he already had a plan to end his life. It hurts.

He also sold some of our properties except the resort. Lahat ng pera ay napunta sa amin ng kapatid ko. But because I am still minor, hindi ko pa iyon makukuha lahat. I cannot claim his money until I reached the age of legality. But papa also made sure to at least give us an access to his accounts-which is to spend his money with a limited amount. So, ang ibig sabihin ay kailangan naming mag tipid magkapatid.

I sighed for the ninth time, thinking what should I do next. Wala naman akong ibang maisip, eh. Siguro, gagamitin ko ang pera para magkaroon ng maliit na negosyo? Online business perhaps? Uso na iyon ngayon, eh. At pwede kahit na sino ang mag resell. The only thing worries me now is Seth. He was too broken to even eat his food. Ni kahit ang uminom ng tubig ayaw rin niya. Sinubukan ko na siyang kunsintihin na tumayo at kumain pero ayaw niya talaga.

It hurts me even more to see my younger brother this vulnerable and fragile but I couldn't do anything. I couldn't make him happy. I couldn't lift his mood up. Ako na ata ang pinakawalang kwentang kapatid.

"Seth, please, have at least a glass of water, it will do." I said, begging. I was inside his room, sitting on the edge of it. And him, covering himself with his thick comforter.

"Umalis ka dito!" his voice roared.

I bit my bottom lip. "Seth, sige naman, oh. Pagod na rin ako, kumain ka na..." malumanay kong sabi at nagbuntong hininga.

"If you're tired, then leave! Leave me alone! L-Leave! I-I don't need you!" he voice broke.

I felt my heart just being squeezed.

"'W-Wag ka namang ganyan, bunso, hindi 'yan ang ibig kong sabihin... Please, kumain ka muna, okay? Hindi kita iiwan... Please?"

"Umalis ka na dito, Sunny... hindi kita k-kailangan. Matutulog na a-ako..."

"Pero hindi ka pa kumakain," I said softly and pulled his blanket gently. "Kumain ka muna kahit ilang subo lang tapos aalis na ako, how's that?" nakangiting tanong ko at marahang pinunasan ang kaniyang luha.

Finally, he sat up. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying all day. Nagawa ko siyang pakainin ng kanin at painomin ng kaniyang mga vitamins niya. He slowly opened up with me and told me what he feels right in the moment.

Umiyak siya sa bisig ko hanggang sa makatulog siya sa labis na pagod. Ako naman ay pumasok na rin sa kwarto at naligo muna bago umupo sa kama.

Hindi ko gustong mag isip ng marami kaya kunuha ko nalang ang cellphone sa bedside table at binuksan ang messages.

Ele:

Take good care of yourself, sweetheart. Everything's going to be fine. Pahinga ka na, hmm? I love you. Good night. <3

It was sent 34 minutes ago. I smiled and replied my "thanks" to him. Sunod kong binuksan ang sunod sunod na mga texts nang mga kaibigan ko. They texted me if I am okay and I replied a lie.

Thankful na rin ako kahit papaano dahil may mga kaibigan ako. I feel so down but they're here for me.

Sinunod kong buksan ang social media accounts ko. I've deactivated it a few weeks ago and this is my first time to open it since.

Napuno ang notification at messages ang account ko, pati na rin ang aking newsfeed at timeline ng condolence at r.i.p galing sa mga kakilala.

I opened it one by one. Nagpasalamat ako sa mga ito bago humiga sa kama at tumingin sa kesame.

I sighed.

Kung madali lang sana ang lahat... Nakaidlip ako habang nakapatong pa rin ang cellphone sa aking tiyan. It snoozed. I groaned and looked at it. It was a request call from Cutiecutie from messenger.

Remembering the last time I received a comforting message from this user, I think there's no harm from this sudden call.

I answered it. A strum from a guitar welcomed me afterwards. My lips parted and my heart beats loud.

At kasunod nito ay ang malamig at payapang boses ng kabilang linya. The voice was so manly.

"The other night dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head and I cried."

I felt my eyes watering.

I gulped hard.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,

If you will only say the same.

But if you leave me and love another,

You'll regret it all some day."

The voice was too good it makes my tears abruptly fell on my cheeks. The overwhelming feeling of his voice was crawling in my heart, making it feel at peace.

"W-Who are you?" I asked.

Unti-unting pumipikit ang aking mga mata sa lamyos at ganda ng boses nito.

[ Smile, Sunshine... ] he said. I couldn't recognize its voice but I know he's a guy. His sudden mention of my name brings chill down on my spine.

"Hmm..." I hummed and smiled once again. I'm starting to felt this kind of feeling I only feel whenever I am with this specific man who happened to be my bestfriend's brother. "I am s-smiling now... C-Can you sing again, please?" I whispered with a shaky voice.

It took him awhile to respond. I even thought the call has already come to its end when I didn't hear anything from him.

[ My pleasure, ] he said, startling me abit.

He then sang again until I dozed off to sleep with a small smile plastered on my lips.

Whoever you are... thank you.

I thought it was just a dream someone called me in a middle of the night but when I checked my messenger and I confirmed it.

**

"Sunshine." I snapped my head on my side when someone called me by my name.

My brows shot up, looking at him with a questioning look.

"Uh... yes?" I asked, a guy with a muscular body stood next to me. Nasa waiting shed ako ngayon at nag aabang ng mga hihintong jeep, pupuntahan ko ngayon ang isang kaibigan na nagreresell din kagaya ko.

It's been a month when I went back to school and a month trying to know and to have a conversation towards this anonymous sss friend but I always ended up failing. 'Di naman na kasi iyon nagrereply, eh.

Back to the guy beside me, he has this familiar feature. I think I've seen him before pero' di ko lang maalala. His amber eyes brings so much nostalgia in my system. The guy smiled at me. "How are you, Sunshine?" he asked.

Kunot noong tiningnan ko ito. Who is he? I don't remember him. "S-Sino ka?"

"Still don't know me, huh?" he smirked with slight disappointment on his voice.

Umiling ako at pinasadan ang mga daliri sa aking buhok. "No,"

He smirked even more. "Sin."

I arched a brow.

He chuckled when he noticed my confused look. "I mean, Sinon. Sinon Sawyer, do you still remember?"

Nanlaki ang mata ko. My jaw almost dropped on the floor. "Y-You..." I stammered.

"Yeah." he licked his lower lip and touched my chin to lift it up close. "Close your mouth, baby. Alam kong gwapo ako, okay na." he said and I gasped, smacking his hand.

I pouted. "Gwapo, my ass." I tsked. Napailing ako sa hangin na mayroon siya. If my memory tells me right, he wasn't this boastful like before. I remember him one time when I went on Preece's house, he was there, smiling humbly from anyone who compliments him.

Ngumiti siya ng malawak sa akin. "Long time, no see, Sunshine!"

I nodded and looked away, I felt a lump on my throat when I got to see that amber eyes. It was the same with Preece. "Yeah..."

It's been years but it feels like yesterday.

"Saan ka pupunta ngayon? Offering a free ride here." he said and waved his hand in the air.

"No, thank you."

"Just like before, Sunshine Marcus, you can have my identification card. Take a photo of it and end it to your friends and if something bad happens to you, the jail were the first one to greet me."

"Thanks but no thanks." I smirked in annoyance.

"Come on! I'm not a bad guy, okay?" I saw him pouting through my peripheral vision. "Pwede mong kuhanan ng picture ang i.d ko tapos i-send mo sa mga kakilala mo. If may mangyari sa'yo, I will be the one to blame of." he insisted.

"Sorry but not sorry for declining your offer." I said apathetically and fixed my tote bag. I heard him groaned in resignation.

Huminto ang isang jeep at mabilis akong sumakay rito, napapagitnaan ng isang buntis at isang matandang babae. I glanced at Preece's brother and I watched how amazed he was while looking at me. Siya naman ngayon ang nakanganga. Siguro hindi sanay na makakita ng isan estudyanteng nag aaral sa isang sikat na ekswelahan pero nagje-jeep lang.

"Alam kong maganda ako kaya itikom mo na 'yang bibig mo." I said loudly and laughed.

Mabilis na kumalat ang pagpula ng mukha niya. I laughed. Napatingin sa akin ang ibang pasahero kaya tumikhim ako at umayos ng upo.

After that encounter, nandoon ulit siya kinabukasan. Napapairap nalang ako sa tuwing nakikita na nandoon siya, he would always pretend that it's just coincidence pero ang totoo niyan ay gusto lang talagang makipag usap sa akin. Ha, as if I am naibe on that kind of lame reason. Just like Preece before. He talks so much. Ang ingay niya. Nakakarindi ang boses.

"—tapos tumawid ako ng daan kanina at may sasakyan, lucky me, and handsome— naka iwas ako! Nagulat ako pero hindi ako natakot, ah? Slight lang." kwento niya habang nanlalaki ang mga mata.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, anong sunod?"

"Syempre, hinabol ko!"

"Naabutan mo naman ba?"

His lips protruded. "So, ayon na nga ang problema, hindi ko naabutan. Humarurot, eh."

"Buti nga..." I murmured and chuckled.

"What?"

"Ah, wala. Sabi ko, sayang naman hindi mo naabutan." I bit my tongue.

"Sayang nga, eh. Uupakan ko talaga 'yun 'pag nakita ko ulit."

"Bakit, alam mo ba ang plate number?"

"Of course! Magaling ata ako sa pagm-memorize!"

"Good for you then." I said and scoffed.

And just like that, we parted our ways. May humintong jeep kaya agad agad akong sumakay at kumaway kay Sinon na nakasimangot sa akin.

**

"Paano ba kasi ito?! Napakahirap!" narinig kong reklamo ni Dori habang napakamot kamot ito ng ulo.

"Anong subject ba kasi 'yan, Gebby?" ani Ryela sa kalmadong boses.

"Algebra!"

"Math..." Ryela murmured and pulled Dori's notebook. She scanned it herself and later on grimaced. "Hala... ang hirap, beh!" she exclaimed as if horrified.

"Sinabi mo pa!"

Kanina pa kaming tatlo rito at nag go-group study pero hindi naman ako makapagfocus dahil sa sobrang mga bagay na pumapasok sa isipan ko. I have a lot of things to do, iyong mga bayarin sa bahay, yung pagreresell ko, yung pag aaral ko, dagdag pa 'yung mga bayarin sa school, yung baon namin araw araw ni Seth, at higit sa lahat ang pagkain namin. Pinag-alala ko rin 'yung pagpunta ng taga DSWD sa'min noong isang araw. They wanted to took us. Mabuti nalang at napaki-usapan ko muna si Tita Sali na pagtakpan kami na doon tumitira sa kanila. Halos wala na akong maayos na tulog kakaisip nang mga bagay bagay.

I sighed and looked at my phone again. Maraming orders ang natanggap ko at pinapadala nila ito through Gcash. Half sa pera na natatanggap ko mula sa customers ay napupunta sa akin, that's the deal between the seller and the reseller. I'm so f*****g worried. Tapos, naalala ko, malapit na rin pala ang exam namin. Kailangan kong mag aral. I wanted graduate with honors. Kahit di na ako pumasok sa nga top basta masali lang ako sa honor students, okay lang. Kahit isang medalya lang para kay mama, okay na.

I don't want to pressure myself but I think I just did.

I tightly closed my eyes. Sabay sabay na pumapasok sa isipan ko ang mga problema. Lahat! And it's making my head aches. Pwede bang isa isa lang? One after another cuz I really can't handle this any longer.

Shit.

"Paturo ka nalang doon sa manliligaw mo, okay? 'Wag sa akin! Alam mo namang bobo rin ako diyan, eh."

"Ryela, please! Sige na! Libre kita ng milktea mamaya! Pretty please..."

"No, Dori. Paano ka matututo kung palagi ka nalang nagdedepende sa iba? Learn by your own. Malapit na nga tayong grumaduate oh."

Alright, Sunshine, calm down, okay? Organise what would you do next, hindi pwedeng sabay sabay sa isang oras. Huminga ako nang malalim at marahas itong ibinuga. Gulong gulo na ang isip ko. Halos pumintig na ang sentido ko sa kakaisip kung anong dapat unang gawin at sa mga kasunod nito.

"—Hinde nga kasi ako marunong!"

First, I needed to settle things between the DSWD and us. Kailangan kong kausapin ang kapatid ni mama na sabihing maging guardian namin so that they can no longer have any reason to take us.

"Please, please, please, Ryela. Kahit ngayon lang. Please, Ryela pretty."

Second, I need to fix our financial situation. Kailangan well-managed ang perang pinanghahawakan ko para sa mga gastusin namin ng kapatid ko.

Third, I need to make an income. At least, weekly. It's not really necessary but I think it could help us to lessen the expenses on our house.

"—Dori, please! Sabi ngang hindi ako marunong, eh. Ano ba, puwede bang tigilan mo muna ako—"

"Will you guys shut the f**k up?!" I bursted out all of a sudden.

Natahimik silang pareho.

Marahas akong nagbuntong hininga. Napapikit ako nang mapansin ang gulat sa kanilang mga mukha. On the other side of me wanted to apologise but the other side won. My pride was much stronger than my conscience.

"Kanina pa kayo salita nang salita diyan, eh! Ang lalakas ng mga boses niyo! Pwede bang kahit saglit lang, manahimik kayo! Nakakarindi ang mga boses niyo! Ang iingay!" I hissed angrily, totally losing my mind for a minute. "Pinag aawayan niyo ay mga walang kwentang bagay! Mga walang kwentang usapan! Walang kwentang singhalan! Pwede ba, tumahimik kayo?! Sobrang daming tao diyan na may mga malalaking pinagdadaanan at kinakaharap! Tapos kayo, simpleng bagay kailangan pa talagang pag awayan?! Kailangan pa talagang gawing big deal! Para kayong mga bubwit na mga walang utak!"

I closed my eyes again when I felt my tears wanted to get out. At mas lalo akong nasaktan sa mga sinasabi ko sa kanila.

"f**k it!" I shouted, gathering all of my things, I walked away, leaving them there dumbfounded and stunned at my sudden burst of emotions. Napaiyak nalang ako nang makarating sa mahogany tree na madalas naming tambayan ng best friend ko noon na si Preece.

I brushed my hair frustratedly and sobbed loudly. Wala na si mama, wala na si papa, wala na kaming magulang ni Seth. Wala nang natira sa amin. At mukhang sa bahay amponan pa ang bagsak. Natawa ako nang mapakla.

"Putangina!" I screamed, broken.

"Ahhhhh!" Sinabunutan ko na ang aking sariling buhok ngayon.

Mababaliw na ata ako. Ang gulo. Wala akong ibang maisip na puwedeng gawin upang masalba rin ang bahay namin na ibinenta rin pala ni papa.

Siguro, parusa ito ng Diyos sa akin dahil sa nangyari kay mama noon. Dahil kung hindi sa akin, hindi siya mamamatay. Hindi siya masasaksak. If it wasn't because of me, Papa and Seth wouldn't be suffering. Kung ako nalang sana ang nawala at hindi nalang si Mama...

Napahagolhol ako.

I pulled out the paper under my stepfather's bed and read its content. Again, I felt a sharp pain on my chest.

I screamed while crying again. I hit my head hardly on the tree behind me. Wala akong maramdamang sakit, wala akong maramdamang hapdi. Everything seems chaotic. The guilt was swallowing me. The guilt and pain from my mother's death was coming back. Lahat ng ito hindi mangyayari kung hindi dahil sa akin. Kung hindi dahil sa katangahan ko.

Napasabunot ako sa aking buhok at nagtatangis ng palihim. Iyong walang makakakita sa akin. Iyong walang maaawa sa akin.

Hanggang sa katawan ko na mismo ay huminto ng dahil sa pagod at sakit, tumigil ako sa pag untog ng ulo mula punong kahoy. Punong puno ng luha ang aking mga mata at basang basa na ang aking pisngi.

"M-Mama..." I uttered, my sight were blurred from tears. I lifted my hand to reached the sky as if hoping I could hold her. Ang sikat at init ng araw ay kabaligtaran nang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Ang dilim. Wala akong maaninag na liwanag sa aking puso.

"M-Mama... j-just once...please, give me light. H-Hold my hand, mama..." bulong ko sa hangin. My lips were hardly trembling.

Maybe God granted my wish... I felt a callous hand on mine. Panibagong luha ang bumuhos sa aking mga mata nang makita siya.

"I-Icarus..." I uttered with a bitterness on my voice.

His eyes were soft as he caressed my hand through his tumb. "Baby..." he gently said.

Walang pagdadalawang isip na tumayo ako at tinalon siya ng yakap.

"I-Icarus... ang sakit, Icarus..." sumbong ko rito at impit na humagolhol.

Niyakap niya ako pabalik at hinagod ang aking likuran. Ang kaniyang mga braso ay nakasuporta sa aking katawan mula sa pagbagsak sa lupa.

I felt so tired. I felt so drained. I felt so exhausted. My heart felt so lost. I felt homeless. I felt lonely. I felt lost.

"It'll gonna be okay. You'll be better..." he said in a most gentle voice like it was as though he's talking to the most fragile person in this world.

"H-Hindi ko alam gagawin ko..." My voice cracked. "I-It's all my fault, it's all my f-fault... K-kasalanan ko itong lahat!"

Naramdaman kong humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin.

"Hush... it was never been your fault, okay?" he said softly and caressed my back again, pertaining to that incident before who caused my mother's death.

"It is... It's my f-fault. Icarus... I can't forgive myself. It's all my fault... T-They says its my karma for being a devil."

"Of course not, why would it be?" he said and shook his head. "Listen, it's not your fault, hmm? You're not to be blame of. It wasn't your fault... Please, stop saying that."

I clung my arms around his neck tightly as I buried my face on his neck. "H-Hindi ko k-kasalanan...?"

"Hmn-hmm," he said, tumaas ang kaniyang paghagod mula sa aking likuran paakyat sa aking buhok. "Of course. You're not. You're an angel, remember? Naalala mo pa no'ng mga bata pa tayo? Tita Flower were so happy whenever she sees you smiling..."

"B-But... they said I am a d-devil... "

"They're all liars and blind, then... "

He caressed my head and I flinched, feeling a pain on it. Parang akong na kuryente at napapitlag. He must've noticed my stiffness, he gently pulled me away from him before checking my head.

Shock was written all over his face when I looked at him.

He slowly met my gaze. "W-What..." he stammered dreadfully. I smiled sadly, closing my eyes. My head was spinning and all I could see was darkness. A seemingly eternal darkness... A hollow... An endless pain...

"... maybe I deserve to die in order to forgive myself, hmm?"

"Baby, w-what did you do to y-yourself?" narinig ko ang nginig at panic sa boses niya.

Hindi ko ito halos marinig dahil tila nabibingi na ako sa labis na sakit ng aking damdamin. Idinilat ko ang nanlalabong mga mata at tingingnan siya. His eyes are so beautiful and I admire it so much. His eyes are like a mirror of the sun; It's shining like a crystal, expressive, and it's beaming. The darkness was sluggishly pulling me with it and the last thing I've seen was his hazel brown eyes. I smiled one more time before I lost my consciousness... and silently hoping to never wake up again.