Even if I tried, I could not be able to remember when it all became nodus tollens to me. Maybe it was when I first felt the loss of control when my father started abusing me! Maybe way after that but it was all there was and I no longer had the desire to alternate it. Days when by one by one and the one before did not make much sense or difference than the one that would fallow. It was all the same, wake up in the morning, go to work; pretend I was operating the heavy machinery that till the last day I did not get the full idea of how it worked. Get back home; cook a meal, fill my belly so I would be able to do all of it over again the day after that. Sit on the kitchen table and start sketching from memory the horrors that I had done to some poor little animal that morning or some other m
