To Hel

R2

The truck was still in the drive, taunting me and my anxiety. Deep breath, if the truck is still there, the kids should be OK. A bark, a high-pitched squeal, a splash, then laughter. They are OK, down by the lake. Through the trees, I could see the kids on the dock, wet and laughing at something in the water.

Gathering my resolve (It will be my armor), I slowly make my way to the dock. The path was well trodden and smooth. (I’m almost there, Baby shark do do da do do do) Smiling, I had no worries of tripping (what did I say about talking too soon). My toe caught the smooth surface (you heard me SMOOTH. Snort). I threw out my hands to keep myself from falling, but my hands never touched the ground. Those arms again, holding me with such gentle care, wrapping around my waist from behind. There is a scream lodged in my throat.

“Mommy you are awake!” Kyra came barreling the last few feet up the trail. My attention snaps off the arms around my waist and to my kids. DJ walked at a slower pace, but finally had a small smile on his face. Whoever was behind me had gotten my son to smile. Tipping my head to the side, I peeked over my shoulder at the man still holding me steady. Our eyes met, and locked in a silent battle of… wills (who am I a maiden in a romance novel, pssh)? Green, they were a bright emerald, with an explosion of gold around the pupil (swoon my poor heart Ha). No, this had nothing to do with battle.

“Ha.” burst out of my mouth, and then I couldn't control the laughter that bubbled out of me (cue romance ballad here).

“I’m sorry,” between more giggles, "I don’t, hahahaha, I’m, hahahaha, Oh my. HAHAHA." My body shook with laughter. Here I stand lost to a fake love story in my mind. That is hilarious.

He stood there, arms still holding me, a small smile turning up the corner of his mouth, like he could see the movie playing out in my mind.

“I’m glad I amused you so.”

I finally got myself under control, and tapped my finger into his forearm. “Want to let me go, I think I can stand now.” His arms snapped off me like I had burned him, or maybe he hadn't realized he still held me.

“My apologies ma’am,” he bowed, a wicked grin curving his mouth. His eyes (Oh my, they were pretty) held a mischievous glint. (Oh my, here we go, I’m losing it, I'm gonna start laughing again, it's like he knows what I’m thinking). Mind reader. hehe)

Chuckling, I checked my kids over to make sure they were OK. (Well, at least I got out of swimming. I don't think I could have handled that much sun and heat right now.)

“Thank you, Sir, Lady of the Lake,” snickering, I held out my hand. “Rayna, and are you?” I cast a look at him, he was tall, like looking up to the tree tops (lumberjack of the lake hehehe). Dark brown hair cropped close to the sides of his head and a little longer on top, about an inch, sticking up wildly. (I bet he shook his head like a dog to get it like that.) My head didn't even reach his shoulder (hmmm I could be an arm rest while standing, cue another chuckle, well he's dressed more like he’s on a military mission, boo not gonna chop down trees for me today). He stood there quietly, unmoving, letting me size him up (hmmm, like 3x maybe, but it's all muscle. Silent and un-moveable. Sigh so solid). I poked him in the arm, humming, lost in my mind, talking to myself.

“I’m not a mind reader, just a good listener.” He smirked at me,

“I’m Jack, 2x long. I’m not that big.” He winked, taking my hand, giving me (the most breathtaking smile), swoon. “Starlight, you’re using your outside voice.”

He reached for me with his other hand. I barely contained the flinch, then just a small tap to my temple. I blinked at him, looking at him in bewilderment, with my head c****d to the left. Then loud laughter burst out of him, causing me to flinch for real this time. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, terrified. But what do they say? Fake it till you make it. Right? I steel my spine, standing to my full height and I don't move because I am unmovable (No man will break me again). I am the steel I pretend to be, I won’t stay broken, I will no longer bend. Something in my chest cracked (I was safe, we are safe, he means no harm. Breathe. A sob escaped me. His laughter cut short and sadness filled his eyes.

What? It finally clicked what he said. Unbeknownst to me, my insides were outsides, giggling (sigh. Yeah, all this should be in my head, la te da, I’m a little broken), another giggle. No wonder he was looking at me like that, all my inner monologue had become outside monologue. I placed my hands on my burning cheeks. Blushing? (No, not me.) It's just too hot out here. I need to lay down. Wait! Oh! Oh no, oh no, my bandages. (Don’t look at me, don’t look at me). My head tips down, shoulders hunch, panting. I’m panicking. I can feel it crashing into me. My face, my ugly face, on blast for this man to see. Now my face is red for a different reason this time. (Shame.) Louder (Shame) I shuffle from one foot to the other, louder “shame on Him,” louder, spinning in a circle, hand raised to the heavens dancing on my toes. “Shame, shame, shame! Shame!” (It’s all Hissss fault.) I come to a stop facing the mystery man, breathing hard, about to fall apart. Baring my teeth ready to defend myself, he caught me lightly, oh so gently. Concern wrinkling his brow. His attention was entirely caught in my eyes, never straying towards my mutilated face and body. This time, I did not flinch (hmmm… Please look away), a tear fell. Where were the kids? Looking away from the strange man. They had walked back to the lake to grab their stuff, and were almost back. So quietly I almost missed it.

“Oh, starlight, I could never...” His hands whisper across my waist as he releases me, stepping back, giving me space. I blink at him lost as to why I feel like I am settling, like my pain is fading away.

“Momma, I think you should lay down.” Kyra cut him off and took my hand gently to avoid the black cuts crisscrossing the top of my hands. She casts a knowing look at Jack…she has seen something.

Leading me up the trail, both kids held my hands. DJ hummed a soft tune. I immediately pick it up (All is lost again, but I’m not giving in. I will not bow, I will not break ....) in a very creepy, low-pitched tone. I cut my head to the left, (Huh, I’m very dark and broken). I start to cackle, low in my throat, a growl (gonna be bad…stab…stab…stab). Kyra whipped around in front of me.

“No, Nope, none of that now!” she booped me on the nose, snapping me out of my spiral. It never ceases to amaze me the way she brings me right back. Snap! Just like that, all thoughts, feelings, everything, just gone, and her before me shining bright. Her aura is a lovely opal, a silvery rainbow of colors. Flowing and changing with each breath.

“OK,” I nod, still singing in my head. “You’re right, a nap might be good.” By this time, we had just reached the porch. “Thank you, Jack, for helping with the kids.”

“Starlight, your idea of kids and mine are slightly different. I see standing before me a young man and a young woman. You should be proud, you have raised them well.” Jack tipped his head at me. (he he he all he needs is a cowboy hat or maybe a ball cap, not sure which yet.) He smirked.

“In any case, thank you.” I nod at the cabin, “I’m gonna go lay down.” My body gets tight, my brain goes fuzzy, my head cracks to the side, my smile turns into a sneer, my eyes flashed with steely resolve. “You will leave.” I nod towards his truck. He raised his hands in surrender, slowly backing away. The tightness snaps (look out, protective mamma bear), I give him a curt nod back. When he is standing in front of the truck,

“As you wish,” throwing his arms to the side, crossing his legs, he bows, pressing one fist to his heart. My jaw drops. (Just like that she’s back, folks.) Well, not really, I’m at a loss for words, jaw just flapping. HA! He gracefully stood, bringing his hand to his forehead and tipping an imaginary hat.

“Time to go, Farmboy!” I blurted out, tipping my head. I swear I’m as red as a ripe tomato. I cover my mouth and give a little finger wave with the other. (toodles)

Hopping, not really, he’s massive, into his truck, he gave me my own little finger wave, and drove off, grinning like a fool. Why did my stomach just drop? Hungry, nope, looking at the sky, I shiver and start to sing.

“WaTching, WaTching, ALways WaTching, catch a little bIRD… My little bIRD, clip her WIIIngs. Sing Sing Sing little bird, let me hear you SCReam…..” dropping to barely a whisper, crouching into some weird frog crouch “Tick tock mouse, trapped in a house. Ticktock mouse, ru…ru…running out of TIIIIME…ticktock mouse.” A blurry figure whizzed through the woods past the cabin, snapping me out of my mental spiral. My heart started pounding, my vision started to narrow. When drifting through the breeze, I heard an unfortunate French accent, (think Jac Cluso, Pink Panther)

“Mustard seed chasing me through zee trees catches the seed or the seed catch meeeeee.” My vision instantly cleared. No, no, it wasn't real. This was wildly different from my normal mind. Was that just in my head, another me? O darn, it is my mind fracturing. Shaking my head, I glance at Kyra. What a silly thing to hallucinate. I got up and walked towards the cabin.

“Kyra, can you help me clean up and rewrap me?” Cool as a cucumber, I had to be. I would be for them, for myself. I just had to figure out what he did to me. I know he broke me, but there was more. I felt different on a cellular level. What happened when I told Jack to leave is a first. Am I really losing my mind? Something deep in my bone stirs, something dark lingered just out of reach. These symbols He carved into my very bones. I needed to know what HE did, and what they meant. I will figure it out one way or another; another is bad, very bad (No you pervert, like murder stab). Inspecting my hand and arm, I hate to admit the lines and swirls, interlocking in places, some are unfinished, but they are beautiful. It looks like there are runes hidden amongst the chaos.

A few hours later…. (the voice from sponge bob)

Clean and rewrapped, I lay on the bed trying to sleep. The nap didn’t happen, it never did. Might as well call the lawyer before they close. That stupid…mother…AHHHH. I hate dealing with lawyers even worse for a murder trial. No one answers. They are “Looking at evidence". What more do they need? Look at me. I’m getting angry, angrier by the second. Who the hell does HE think he is? Tossing my phone onto the bed, I followed it, flopping down onto my stomach. “MMMMRRROOOWWW” rolling to my back. I forgot there for a second I was minced meat (do you get it? cuz HE sliced me up). If only I could take this anger and turn it into something useful. Being angry all the time serves no real purpose. It just clouds the mind, making you rash, no thoughts, just action. How does that help anyone?

Good thing I became very good at pretending. Kyra likes to check up on me constantly, and dj likes to read to me when he thinks I’m sleeping. I think it calms him… The kids are in their shared room, snoring away. I feel unsettled, something is coming, and I needed to move. I feel it in my bones, a vibrating need to run. So, come morning, that's what we would do. I silently moved through the house (when did I get so sneaky?) The dogs didn’t even wake up. Teeheehee), grabbing everything we unpacked. To tell the truth, there wasn’t much: swimsuits, dirty clothes and towels in the bathroom, medical supplies in the kitchen, and the dog dishes. It was a fast pickup. With everything in the car, I wait for the sun to peak past the mountain before waking the kids. It's so quiet and beautiful here, too bad it's not right. There's a pulling in my chest, a tugging I have to follow. I know it will help make me stronger. No, it makes us stronger. I lay back in bed, my eyes slid closed, as I waited for the sun to rise.

PING. I must have finally fallen asleep. “s**t. Shoot. Ooooo. Ow ow ow. HA HA, I’ve got you, you devil.” I snagged my phone as I put a pillow to my face.

“SHHHHH, still sleepy, hush DJ.” Kyra grumbled.

“Get up. It’s time to move on,” lowering my voice, “Can you feel it?”

She stilled and drew in a deep breath, slowly exhaling, sitting up, now wide awake.

“Yes, it’s time to go. Something's coming. Hey, hey D!” She reached for her pillow that was no longer there. Her lower lip popped out in a cute little pout (man, she was gonna be a man killer.) Insert a feral grin (You go girl!), I started singing.

“Yo, tell me what you want, what you really really want,” I point at Kyra. She giggled, rolling out of the bed, stomping across the room, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, to shake her brother awake, in her quest to be obnoxious, she tripped over her own feet and belly flopped hard down on top of DJ’s stomach.

“HRMPH” DJ groaned. “I’m up! But I'm warning you, if you do not move your elbow, I will pee on you!”

“What do you think about that, now you know how he feels?” still in the tune to Wannabe.

My phone pings. An email, thank god it wasn’t my mom's ringtone. Tooooo early for screaming goats, it’s from dad, but his business account. I scrunch up my top left lip, exposing my canine tooth. Kyra placed her hand on mine, “We do not have time to tarry here, a storm is coming.” (sure I get to go crazy, and she gets super powerrrrrs, or maybe he maybe it's all in my head) singing

“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts de te de there, they arrrr.” A warm hug.

“I like warm hugs,” I sigh as I snuggle in.

“Mommy, you are not crazy," Kyra pauses to consider her words. “In the dark, sure, but don’t worry, I have a feeling it will all make sense.” She kisses my cheek, just above the cut. “Read that at our next long stop. You may need time, time to reflect.”

With that we were off. Next stop: Grand Forks, ND.