LEV PETROV (Wild Men Series #3) Book 2

Chapter 6

TW: This chapter contains depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, and self-harm that may be harmful and disturbing to some readers. Proceed with caution. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

BREE



MY BIGGEST mistake is breathing fire in my neck. Apparently, he has a name- Lev. I loathe that man with passion and anything that represents him.

"I hate you so much," galit na tinabig ko ang mga boteng nakita sa ibabaw ng magarang vanity counter.

Hagis dito, hagis roon ang ginawa ko. Wala rin akong pake kung panay ang sigaw ni Lev sa labas ng banyo. Ang alam ko lang, I need to expel this anger.

Nang mapagod, a trembling breath left my mouth kasabay ng pagdausdos ng katawan ko sa malamig na dingding ng banyo. The place was like me, a mess. I don't know kung kanino ako mas mamumuhi. Kay Lev for being the f****d up psycho that he is and ignoring my boundaries.

O, sa sarili ko? Dahil sa kabila ng trauma at pandidiring nararamdaman ko, may kapiranggot na boses sa loob ko ang nagsasabing gusto ko ang pinagsaluhan namin kanina ng asawa.Ramdam ko pa rin ang haplos at halik ng asawa. His touch lingers on my skin like a brand. It's like a white-hot knife was piercing every inch of my skin. I don't know whether I hate it or like it. I'm confused and conflicted.

Ang tanging alam ko lang, buong pagkatao ko ngayon nasasaktan. The pain was all-consuming, so intense it made me paralyzed.

Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang paghagulgol. I hugged both of my knees, ibinaon ko roon ang mukha. Masaganang dumaloy ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigil. My heart is pounding wildly against my chest. I am shaking like a leaf and my teeth started to chatter.

"F-fuck..." Estranghero sa pandinig ko ang sariling tinig. I swear I could even hear the sound my muscles were creating as I choked on my tears.

I inhale and exhale just like the way I practiced with Dakila. I screw my eyes shut and shake my head. Hell, I'll do anything just to shake off the panic that crashed me without a warning. Ilang beses kong pilit na kinalma ang sarili but to no avail.

This was by far the worst episode I've experienced. Typically, the alarm will disappear after a few minutes. But this night it proved that whenever my husband is involved, I am back to square one.

Dinakot ko ang naninikip na dibdib, I blinked several times and shook my head to erase the revulsion that's seeping through my veins. Unti-unting gumapang ang pandidiri sa loob ko, it made my stomach churns. Kinuskos ko ang magkabilang braso, umaasang maiibsan noon ang nararamdaman. Pero mas lalo lang iyong lumala. The disgust and hatred consumed me from the inside out.

I am back to my old, filthy, and broken self. Scared to be touched. In an instant, I'm plagued by those horrific scenes.

The drink. The numbness and the dizziness that followed. The ripping of my clothes. A shrilling sound that was trapped in my throat. Their sadistic laughs.

Blood... Rivers of it that cover my thigh and lower body.

The ferocious waves, me standing at the gates of my doom, and the finality I felt when my body hit the vast ocean.

My screams...the loathing, and then the soul-shattering pain.

The deafening silence.

I'm in an endless nightmare. Tila sirang plaka ang lahat. I'm drowning in my own sorrow. From trauma. What a way to perish from this shitty place? Fate must really hate me.

"N-no..."

The next thing I knew, my hands were clawing my throat. I was grasping for air and barely breathing. Naparalisa ang buong katawan ko. My head is already spinning and black dots started to appear at the back of my eyes.

Pilit kong pinagalaw ang kanang palad. Kumakapa sa sahig ng banyo... sa katawan ko. I am desperate to grab something–anything, that will give me semblance. Nang masalat ko ang mahaba at magaspang na bagay sa kanang hita ko, napamulat ako. I blinked and looked down.

It's my battle scars. Six battle scars greeted me. Long, deep angry slashes. Mga buhay na ebidensiya ng kahinaan ko't ilang beses na pagkadapa. Tears gather at the corners of my eyes as my trembling fingers trailed the keloids. They are taunting me, forcing me to give in to the little voice in my head.

Just this once. Do it, Bree. One shallow cut and it'll be over.

No. Naka-ahon ka na sa kumunoy na iyon. 'wag ka ng bumalik pa!

But the pain is unbearable. Hindi ko na kaya. I need to breathe.

I gulped, marahas na umiling upang patahimikin ang nagdidigmaang tinig sa utak ko.

"P-please, a-yoko na."

Misery seemed to follow me everywhere and I couldn't take it anymore. So I did what I do best, give in to the temptation. Talo ko pa ang adik na nagigiyang nang abutin ko ang kapirasong bubog na nahagip ng mata ko.

I swallowed the anticipation in my throat as I slowly put the tip of the glass on my inner thigh. I expertly cut my skin. For the first eight seconds or so, I welcomed the pain, then relief began to pulse through my veins. I watched with morbid fascination at the rivulets of blood trickling down my thigh, and down to the tiles.

A bitter smile pulled my lips as euphoria started to kick in.

Kung makikita ako nila Kah at Ally ngayon, pareho silang madidismaya. Tatawagin akong duwag. Ngunit masisisi ba nila ako? Time has a natural way to heal wounds but not me, a broken spirit. The compulsion is always there, pilit ko lang pinagalalabanan. Pero ngayon, I need a quick fix...a temporary escape.

Hindi ko kontrolado ang lahat sa paligid ko. . . ang nararamdaman ko. Only this pain. Cutting and harming myself give me that high and I don't need anybody to understand that part of me. Hell, I stopped understanding my own mind two years ago.

Ilang saglit akong nanatili sa ganoong ayos–tulala, duguan. The next minutes that followed was all a blur to me. My whole body is in auto-pilot. Namalayan ko na lang nakatayo ako sa harap ng lababo't nakatitig sa salamin. I didn't recognize the woman that's staring back at me. Gulo-gulo ang mahaba niyang buhok, namumula ang mga mata't ilong. The stranger looks like s**t and I feel detached from her. Empty.

This is good. I like numbness 'cause it means I can survive.

"Bree, open the f*****g door. Let's talk." Lev's shouting from the other side followed by a loud bang.

I couldn't care less.

"No. Go away or go the hell, wala akong pake.Just l-leave me alone." Mahina kong usal.

Hindi ko alam kung narinig ako ng animal. Inabala ko ang sarili sa paglilinis ng duguang hita saka ko inabot ang robe at isinuot iyon. Kung maghaharap man kami ng nawawalang kapatid ni Satanas-namely my husband, I need a shield.

"What the f**k is that?"

"Jesus!" Naituwid ko ang likuran.

Natigil sa ere ang kamay ko sa pagri-ribbon ng roba. I swallowed hard to remind myself that I could do this. I don't turn around especially when a familiar chill snakes in the pit of my stomach when I hear that deep angry voice. Itinuloy ko lang ang ginagawa.

"I am asking you– motherfucker! Is that blood?"

"Don't you f*****g touch me!" Tila napapasong sigaw ko sabay atras. I forgot the fact that Lev saw the bloody hand towel. All I want now is to be left alone.

"Brethany."

"Alin ba sa ayaw kitang makita at tantanan mo na ako ang hindi mo maintindihan, ha? O, kailangan kong itarak sa eyeballs mo 'tong bubog para ma-gets mo?" Parang baliw na iwinasiwas ko ang nadampot na bubog sa ere habang nakapikit pa rin ang mga mata. "Never heard of respecting one's boundaries?"

Malakas na halakhak ni Lev ang pumuno sa apat na sulok ng banyo.

"Hindi ko specialty ang pagiging santo at matino. Or to respect one's f*****g boundaries. I thought I established a long time ago that my morals are twisted that's why I don't mind crossing any lines. That's why you called me a monster, yes?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. Is that amusement I am detecting?

"Screw you! Don't put words into my mouth."

"Force of habit, baby doll. Besides, sa pagkakatanda ko hindi lang salita ang nilalagay ko sa bibig mo. And you like it. Crave for it. But that's a discussion for another day."

How dare this man to use his deep and growling voice to seduce me into submission. Inwardly, pinektusan ko ang old self kung affected pa rin sa gurang na 'to.

That's it. Babayagan ko ang kupal na 'to.

" I don't know why men are always selective. Sa pandinig man o sa katotohanan. At lahat ba ng sasabihin ko gagawin mong mahalay? Tao lang ako. Whatever reaction this freaking body has its because of pure biology. Huwag kang masyadong assuming."

"Really? Then, prove it. Look at me."

I did. Matapang kong sinalubong ang mga mata niya.

Isang malaking pagkakamali sa parte ko. His piercing dark cerulean eyes greeted me and gutted my soul. The pools are now harsher than the deadliest ocean especially when he zeroed in the shard of glass in my trembling hands.

To prove my point, lalo kong itinaas ang baba.

The muscle on Lev's temple ticks and I had goosebumps. My eyes dropped to his muscled form and my heart skipped a beat when I made eye contact with his wolf's angry blue eyes. His knuckles turned white and suddenly, naawa ako sa baston n'ya.

Shit. Aminin ko man o hindi, I'm having an internal battle. It is whether to hate or lust for my husband.

"Stop. Hindi ako nagbibiro. Isasaksak ko 'to sa'yo." Galit na banta ko nang makitang lumalapit si Lev sa puwesto ko.

The devil stopped and groaned. Inihilamos niya ang palad sa mukha saka tumingala sa kisame.

"I'm tired of this s**t you're pulling, Brethany. Do you want to stab me? Go. Tiyakin mo lang na hindi kita mahahabol. Kanang binti ko lang ang dispalanghado hindi ang buong katawan ko. I'll make sure to punish you hanggang sa tumanim sa kukute mong ako ang batas sa pagsasamang 'to!"

"Batas mong nek-nek mo. I am my own person!"

Lev hummed, and a lazy smile ghosted on his mouth when he met my gaze. Ikiniling nito ang ulo sa kanan.

"You can deny it all you want but we both know I am telling the truth. Up until now, I command and you listen." Paikang ipinagpatuloy ng hudyo ang paglapit.

Hindi alintana ang galit ko o ang hawak kong bubog.

You've got to be kidding me, Bree. Lev's a big bad wolf who faced death several times. Joke time ang hawak mong weapon sa kanya.

I shake my head to banish that insolent voice. Instinctively, I step back until my back hits the cold wall.

"Huwag lang l-lalapit."

"Or what? Sasaksakin mo ako sa mata? Go on, kiska. I am yours. Just like how I own you."

His statement made my heart beat erratically but I didn't bother to react. I hope na hindi nag c***k ang poker face mask ko. I'll die first before allowing this asshole to know that he's affecting me somehow.

Lev stopped when we're toe to toe. Nang bahagya niyang ibinaba ang mukha niya, nakalimutan kong huminga. Halos magkapalit na kami ng mukha.

I could see the speck of gold in his ocean eyes. His breath is literally kissing my skin and I need to bite my lips to suppress a painful groan from escaping my throat.

"What ate you waiting for, Mrs. Petrova? Thought I gave you a caveat before our wedding."

Marahas akong lumunok. I darted my tongue, and wet my lips. Lev let out a guttural sound as he watched my movement.

"Alin doon? Na demonyo ka at impyerno ang pagdadalhan mo sa akin? Sa dami ng sinabi mo't nangyari ngayong araw, hindi na ako maka keep up." Itinaas ko ang hawak na bubog at huminto iyon sa tapat ng dibdib ng asawa. Right in front of his heart.

I blinked a couple of times. There's this incessant idea in my head urging me to just drive the broken glass down and be done with it.

Tumaas ang sulok ng bibig ni Lev."It's tempting, isn't it? Go on. Remember, I am the law here. I order and you follow. No f*****g questions ask."

I shudder not just because of his cold voice but due to his next action. Lev leaned forward and swept the hair away from my face. I stiffened at the contact but I couldn't find my tongue. Hindi pa s'ya nakuntento, he darted his tongue and licked the pulse behind my ears.

Humigpit ang palad ko sa bubog. When I chance a glance at his front, tumambad sa akin ang duguang polo ni Lev.

"Hindi mo ako pag-aari o alipin para sumunod sa'yo."Aniko sabay taas ng baba. Rebellion flickered in my gaze habang bumabaon ang dulo ng bubog sa dibdib ng kabiyak.

Lev's reply was a maniac laugh. He gripped my chin so quickly and so hard I couldn't find the time to squeal. He then used his cane to shove my robe and expose my lacerated thigh.

Lev snarls at the sight. He spewed a series of Russian profanities that made me squirm. Alarm bells ring in my head but I can't move from his hold.

"That's it, wife. You just let the last thread of my patience snap."

I stiffened and next thing I knew, sakal na ko ng demonyong si Lev.Humampas ang katawan ko sa harapan n'ya at sabay kaming napaungol. I gasped and tried to breathe in as much air as I could pero tila bakal ang palad nito.

"L-let go of me!" Pilit kong itinaas ang kanang kamay at iniunday iyon sa asawa. Sinalag lang iyon lahat ni Lev.

My effort plus my small frame is no match to my monster of a husband. Walang hirap niyang inagaw sa akin ang bubog. Then he did the unthinkable, he sliced his inner right thigh using the same broken glass I used on my body a while ago.

"How long? 3 inches? No. Maybe four." He continued slicing his thigh in a frenzy.

"S-stop!"

A deep-seated anger was present in his eyes when he gave me his eyes. I could use a knife to cut Lev's rage in the air. I flinched.

"Why? Does it bother you to see me like this? I told you, Bree. You're mine. Lahat-lahat sa'yo akin. Your flaws... pain. Nightmares. Flaws. Even the tiny wounds..."

"Oh my God! N-no." Natutop ko ang bibig nang makitang hiniwa muli ni Lev ang hita.

"All mine."

"You're crazy. Please. L-lev... stop!"

Bahagya itong natigilan, nag angat n mukha.

"We are. Crazy to a fault. Two fractured souls offering each other our unbroken fragments." He said in his signature cold and impassive voice. "I want every broken, jaded, and f****d up part of you Bree. Nothing can change that."

The world hit pause. An invisible hand gripped my heart at his voice. With his statement. I thought I was desensitized by all the violence I had experienced in the past. But when I saw the pool of blood–Lev's, on the floor, when I see the truth and sincerity in his eyes, my mind went blank.

Once again, I am thrown into that rabbit hole.

Red.

Blood.

Then a harrowing scream that I cannot separate from my head.

I anticipated the fall and the silence that will follow it but it never came. On its place, is the crushing pain fracturing not just my bones but my soul. I watched–stunned, Lev as he effortlessly wiped the blood from the shard of glass he used. His eyes never leave my face.

"Rumor has it, kiska. You're married to a monster anarchist with a knack for sadism. Let this be your first and last warning."

Hindi ko alam kung ang tunog ng baston niya o ang nakakakilabot niyang tinig ang gumising sa akin. Bago pa s'ya nakahuma, umigkas na ang tuhod ko't tumama iyon sa harapan niya. Napa igik si Lev, sinapo ang harapan.

"B'layd. Bree, come back."

I am deaf to his plea. Kumaripas ako ng takbo't hindi nag abalang lingunin ang asawa. Right now, I just want to escape. Pinara ko ang unang taxi na namataan.

"Ma'am, saan ho tayo?" Tanong ng driver ng napara kong taxi.

"Kahit saan, kuya. Iyong lugar na makakalimutan ko pati kasalanan ng ninuno ko." Nagmamadaling sagot ko habang nakatitig sa gate ng mansion.

"Sakto, Ma'am. May alam ho akong bar na malapit." Nakangising saad ng driver saka pinaharurot ang taxi.

Nang makatawid na kami ng tulay na nagdudugtong sa town proper ng isla, saka ko lang naalalang wala akong dalang wallet.

"Taragis." Bulong ko't biglang natigilan. Napangisi ako nang masipat ang suot kong singsing. "Kuya, may bukas bang pawnshop sa town proper? Doon muna tayo."

Mapakla akong natawa habang iniikot-ikot ang singsing sa daliri. Kahit ano pang sabihin ni Lev, in my hearts of heart I know and accepted what we are. Two f****d up souls who are doomed to destroy one another.

They say all great love stories have and always end with happily ever afters, but ours has already ended in tragedy before it even began.