Litany Of Sins

16 Chemistry

CHAPTER 16

Chemistry

Everett did not flinch. He did not try to laugh it off or walk away. He watched her for a long moment, his jaw tightening until the muscle in his cheek jumped. When he finally spoke, his voice was stripped of its usual bravado, quiet and heavy.

“You can call me a stranger if you want to,” he responded, his gaze locked on hers with a piercing intensity. “But don’t you dare rewrite what we had, Lila. Do not act like friends with benefits was just a box we put each other in because it was convenient.”

He took a slow step toward her, his expression raw. “Back in college, when the world was loud and everyone wanted something from me, you were the only place I went to be quiet. I was a selfish, arrogant kid who did not know how to give you the commitment you deserved, so I settled for the only thing I thought I could handle without breaking us completely. I treated you like a benefit because I was too terrified to admit you were the only thing in my life that felt real. I did not want to lose you, and I did not know how to keep you. So I stayed in the middle. I am sorry I was a jerk, Lila—I am sorry I wasted your time—but you were never, ever just a stranger to me.”

Lila let out a jagged breath, shaking her head. “I know we were not strangers. I know we were as close as two people could possibly get without actually being a couple.”

She took a step back, widening the space between them. “And that confession? It is exactly what I needed to hear ten years ago. It is what I begged for, silently, every time you walked out the door. But hearing it now... it just hurts in a way that does not make me want to go back. It just makes me angry that you wasted so much of our time but it also makes me angry that I allowed myself and my time to be wasted.”

“We did not waste a single second,” he broke in, his voice cutting through the tension. Lila looked up, startled by the sheer conviction in his eyes. He did not blink. “I found you. I met you and got to know you better. That alone makes it worth it. I have always loved being with you—whether we were in bed or just sitting around doing nothing. There is something about you, Lila... you pull a version of me out of the shadows that I can not reach with anyone else. You make me better. How can you call that a waste?”

She looked at him, her expression hardening. “I do not hate you for being afraid. I hate that I spent my twenties feeling like I was never enough to make you brave. I am done with that feeling, Everett. I have finally stopped needing your validation. If you want to be special to me, you are about a decade too late.”

He let out a long, shaky sigh, taking her hand in his and giving it a firm, grounding squeeze. “We should have had this conversation years ago, Lila. I was a total jerk back then—selfish, immature, and nowhere near ready for anything real. I avoided this talk because I thought it would hurt you, but I was wrong. I did not realize that my silence—letting ten years slip away without telling you the truth—would cause you so much more pain than any hard conversation ever could. I am so sorry.”

Lila looked at their joined hands, then up at his face. The anger that had been simmering for years was suddenly, quietly absent. She did not pull her hand away, but she did not cling to him, either.

“I appreciate you saying that, Everett. Truly.” She let out a soft, steady breath. “And I forgive you. I was at fault too, I thought that it was best to just leave.”

He gave a slow, knowing nod, acknowledging the desperate urge they both shared—the need to simply run from the weight of it all because it was easier to do.

“I forgive you,” she repeated softly. “And I need you to understand that this is not because you earned it, or because it makes the last four years any less painful. I am doing this because I am just... tired. I have been carrying this weight for so long, and I realized I had to let it go to find myself again. I can not just flip a switch and forget you, Everett. We spent a decade together, starting from when we were eighteen. Even if we called it friends with benefits, the truth is, you were the friend I depended on more than anyone. You were my anchor, and that’s not something you just erase.”

She squeezed his hand back, a gesture of camaraderie rather than romance. “I do not love you the way I did, and I think that is actually a good thing. It means we can finally be what we were supposed to be all along—actual friends. No games, no benefits, just… us. If you can handle that, then I am ready to start this new chapter.”

Everett did not pull his hand away, but his grip tightened—a subtle, involuntary reflex. He looked down at the sand, his expression troubled, before meeting her eyes again.

“I can handle that,” he said, his voice quiet. “I can be your friend. But I owe you the truth, Lila. Last night… it was not a plan. I did not come here to seduce you, and I certainly did not expect things to escalate like that. But after nearly five years of not touching you, my body did not give me a choice.”

He let out a sharp, self-deprecating laugh. “It was like a switch flipped. It was like I felt our s****l chemistry back again, the same way I did when we first had s*x. I thought I had control over this—over us—but the moment I felt you against me, I realized how much I had been lying to myself.”

He offered her that same authentic smile she had known for years, though the passage of time had clearly etched a few new lines around his eyes. “I was not just friends with benefits back then; I was starving, for you. I did not realize how deep that need went until I was inside you, and I could not stop it even if I wanted to. You are asking for a clean slate, and I will give you one. But I am not as over it as you are, Lila. I am only just realizing how much I have missed.”

She let out a long, steadying breath and turned her gaze back to the horizon. “Thank God you are leaving soon,” she said, letting out a bright, airy laugh. “Honestly, I do not think we would manage to do anything but tear each other’s clothes off if you stayed.”

Everett let out a low, rough laugh, shaking his head. “Wow, I am offended. I was under the impression that you enjoyed my scintillating conversation, not just the... other things. I guess I have been miscalculating my charm all these years.”

Everett did not look away. He kept his gaze pinned to hers, his expression guarded but clearly intent on knowing the truth. “Tell me,” he said, his voice dropping into a low, serious register that left no room for deflection. “What was life like... after I was out of the picture?”

Lila let her eyes drift past him, settling on a group of surfers wading into the surf, their boards cutting through the morning swell. She watched them for a heartbeat, using the distraction to steady the erratic rhythm of her own heart before she spoke.

“I wanted a clean slate,” she said, her voice devoid of any lingering resentment. “I applied to a different hospital, completely removed myself from that world. I met someone there—about a year after I walked out of your life.”

Everett’s nod was barely perceptible, a flicker of something unreadable crossing his face. “How long?” he asked, the question clipped.

“Nearly three years,” she replied, her tone clinical, as if she were recounting a chart. “Until I caught him with my work best friend. That was the breaking point. I resigned on the spot, cut ties with everything back home, and just… ran. I packed a bag, ditched the life I had, and ended up here.”

“I am so sorry,” Everett said, his voice dropping, heavy with an guilt that seemed to settle over him. “I hate that you had to face that kind of betrayal, especially after everything I put you through. It kills me to think you were carrying that alone.”

Lila finally turned away from the water to look at him, her eyes searching his face for an answer she was not sure she wanted to hear. “Maybe there’s just something fundamentally wrong with me, isn’t there?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. “Maybe I am just... not the kind of person who is worthy of being loved seriously.”

Everett’s expression crumpled, the weight of his own regrets crashing into the moment. He reached out, his fingers grazing her jaw, his touch light and reverent, as if he were afraid she might shatter.

“Don’t you ever say that,” he said, his voice hard and absolute. “Don’t you dare put that on yourself. The problem was not you, Lila. It was never you. It was me, and it was that i***t who could not see exactly what was standing right in front of him. You are the only person who has ever been enough—more than enough—and if you have spent a single second feeling unworthy, that is on us for being too blind or too cowardly to tell you.”