Shame & Guilt

Heaven & Hell

Two days earlier Sam had commenced his isolation. He had lost his interest in interacting with anyone probably a month ago. 

He was playful and loud child and the roots of every mischief that occurred in their three storey house located in Baneshwor. He was studying in grade five when they shifted to that house. There were three families living in there. Two belonged to his dad's small brothers or more straightly to his uncles. And so he was always with his siblings and cousins.

And so the house was always full of noise except for two situations. One being the time for their favorite cartoon show called 'Pokémon', and next being the time after they got thrashing for their mischief.

His favorite game would be police and thief, an improvised version of hide and seek that lasted for around an hour in total darkness. His little party would gather around specifically at one of his uncle’s room when his aunt left for kitchen to prepare dinner. Uncle would be still out at that hour and so the room was all for them. They had their own system to choose the police and the rest were automatically demoted to thief from normal civilians. The one who had the role of police would keep failing for the entire hour. It was really difficult to find other in darkness and on top of that the police would have to say the name of the person that he/she would find, that also before the unknown figure touched him/her. More than the game there would be arguments and Sam being the eldest would take decisions. His juniors never rejected his decision though.

They also had many other games for which they had to run on the street. And so did they. But those games had their cost. Almost like every day they would be thrashed by Sam's dad.

Though Sam feared his father he never stopped causing mischief, instead he started avoiding him as much as he could. And slowly he drifted away from his father. And by the time he was in high school, he rarely had any conversation with his father. However, he did talk with his mother. But that too became less and less frequent as he kept aging.

And about a month ago, he totally avoided everyone, even his siblings and cousin and also his friends.

His parents arrived home at late evening from shop, his small brother was with them to help as Sam completely dropped any responsibility of their shop. His parents inquired about Sam's day. Rabin told them everything.

His mother began to weep.

"Please help him. Please ask him what it is that he desires, I will try fulfilling it with the last drop of blood in my body."

"I have tried everything, but you know him. He is not that easy to deal with thulo(elder) mummy (mother of dads elder brother)." Rabin again played a role of supporter.

"Nothing has happened to him. He is just taking advantage of us. We act too good to him and every time he takes advantage of that. I can't beat him now, we both are too old." His father shouted in anger.

"He has done nothing wrong; he is just taking rest for some time." Tim tried defending his brother. They had a lot in common and so Tim acted as his shield every time Sam was accused of something. He shared that habit of gaming, m*******a and music with Sam.

"Rabin, go call him. If he doesn't come out we will take him to psychiatrist tomorrow." Sam’s father ordered Rabin.

Rabin obeyed and went to knock on Sam's door. Sam didn't respond. Rabin knew Sam won't be coming out. But still he asked one last time to satisfy himself. Sam didn't respond. Rabin left silently.

He reported what happed to Sam’s father. Sam's father asked to let it be and ordered mother to prepare dinner. She was still sobbing as she headed to kitchen. Father went to his room as he had to do various business calculations and Rabin and Tim went to TV room to enjoy their time.

Sam had slept for a while after the ghost had vanished and had just woken up to Rabin's calling.

Though everyone was worried for Sam, nobody understood why he was acting that way. He was going through tragedy as well as guilt trip but he hadn't discussed anything with his parents. He never did. It was only his siblings who once heard from Sam mouth that he was in love with Ella and she to loved him but they were having a little clash of ego between themselves. All other just registered the news to their memory, but Rabin however told him that he was in delusion and that she was already in relation with Ram and that too had already lasted for more than 3 years.

Sam had seen Ram and Ella fighting every now and then but they always got back together. Though Ella could get almost any guy on the street she always returned to Ram and Sam admired this a lot. He somehow was proud for this dedication of Ella. He had a silent respect for her.

Sam thought about discussing the entire day's incident with Rabin, but he realized that he would just say that he was having delusions and blame his precious m*******a and gaming. Rabin had always been his emotional supporter and right now even he would not believe what he would say. So he remained silent and rolled few blunt to get some sleep.

Hours passed and Sam kept tossing around in his bed. "Tomorrow I would die. She will kill me." 

After the incident between him and Ella, Ram and Ella broke up. And Sam kept the guilt that it was because of him they got separated. 

"Tomorrow she will surely bring this up and make me pay for it. She was really happy with him and I just ruined everything." 

Sam himself didn't believe that he was not guilty and so he kept no hopes to live for day after tomorrow.

He missed his mom; he wanted to talk to her one last time. But he was so much frozen by the thought, that he would die tomorrow, that he could not move even a single muscle in his body and was just helplessly thrown to sink into the abyss of his guilt.

He missed his father, realized that he could no longer fulfill his father’s dream. He realized that he had failed him. A voice inside him whispered he had failed him a long time ago. Long long ago when he had learnt to smoke, when he twisted the college schedules to make time for his friends, when he had drastically dropped his academic performance in college, when he took on the habit of smoking weed which he himself used to detest when he wasn't into it. He had failed him when he left his father alone in their shop and went around having fun with his friends. He had always carried a hope that someday he will fulfill his father's dream but never did he put any serious effort up front. And so he accepted that he had failed him long time ago and now the scarcity of time was just a period of realization for him.

He thought about his siblings and cousins whom he had lost somewhere when he met his friends. He felt that he had never cared for them as an elder brother. They were his childhood friends with whom he had played hide and seek, rubber bands, gambling, he even had learnt to steal from shops with them. He was a home guy until he was in 10 and they were his friends. But as college came to his life he found new friends and a world outside his home.

"Everything is lost. Why do I worry? Tomorrow I will no longer dwell in this world. Everyone is going to cry for days. But that's it. After may be a month they will be back to being the person they used to be."

His dad would cry too. He knew it. He had never seen him cry except for once when he gave fire to his own mother's dead body. He was on phone passing message to his brother abroad and in between the lines he lost his composure and burst out into tears. Sam was just a child back then but he felt the pain his dad was in. But he soon forgot about that as days went by. Yes, he would cry.

His brother Tim would cry too. During the Maoist movement when all the schools in Nepal were banned Sam had lied their truck driver that he had got permission from his dad to go to Kathmandu with him. The driver took him. But was it because he believed him or he just thought of letting him see Kathmandu, Sam didn't know till today and nor did he cared when he was a child. They used to live on a place called 'Lamki' before they came to Kathmandu. Sam joined school in Kathmandu and stayed at his uncle’s place. Later on in winter vacation, he went to visit his parents and one day he and his brother went to explore the horizons. They went pretty far and something got them separated. After looking for hours for his elder brother Tim returned home. Full of tears he ran to his mom. Hugged her tightly and started screaming. “Sam is lost in the jungle. I couldn't find him anywhere.”

 The jungle didn't have any flesh eating animals and it was grazing ground for cattle. His mother knew he would return. She hugged him back even tightly and comforted poor Tim with a slight smile on her face for seeing the love of Tim for his brother. The vacation was over and he left again for Kathmandu. But Tim had never left his brother until the day he went back from that day on. He would cry too. And this time Sam won't return and neither he could find him if he went out searching.

His sister would too cry.

But Rabin he will stay strong. He will help his family. He always told Sam he should have been the son of Sam's parents and he would have got them a different beautiful life unlike that of Sam. Sam, he believed Rabin would have.

Death always was in Sam's mind even as a child. One day, when they were still living in Lamki and Sam was returning from school he took a shortcut. But halfway through, he reached a house where a person had just died and his body was on the ground while a pandit was chanting slogans to begin the rituals of getting the body disposed. He knew the body was victim of death but he didn't know what death was. The only thing he knew was people feared death and so he too got scared. He froze. His eyes filled with tears as he looked towards his house direction. Steep hill in front of him and on the base luckily his mother was there. She saw him and sensed his fear. He was a scardy person from the childhood. He lacked courage. She came to him and lifted him up and took him to home.

Since then he wondered what death is. Why do people becomes motionless after death? He asked his mom and she explained him about the souls. She explained souls are what we truly are. We can't see it and death simply meant that the soul had left the body. 

He again inquired "What happens to the soul after we die and where does it stay." It was this time when he learned about gods, heaven and hell. She explained how being good one goes to heaven and otherwise to hell.

Other day his mom told him about the accident a little girl had met at highway near their house. He felt sad for her. "Where would she go mom?" he asked. 

"All the children always go to heaven. The god loves children." 

"Then why don't he let us live with our parents in this place." He asked innocently.

She couldn't answer him. So she diverted his mind into something else.

And so as he kept growing, his faith in god started vanishing for various reasons. He became atheist and by the time he went to high school his new resolution had became that there is no god no heaven nor hell. He substituted the knowledge of soul to a small luminous ball of energy.

But today he had seen a soul. A soul in pain that people generally called 'ghost' as they haunted people seeking revenge for misfortune that occurred in their life. It was not like a luminous ball but rather like the exact person they used to be when they were still alive.

"Tomorrow I will know for sure if there are any gods and there is heaven and hell."

He felt like if there are gods and heaven and hell he would surely be sent to hell. He felt sad for he would not be able to meet his grandmother who would surely be in heaven, if it was somewhere.

And as the night kept getting darker and darker he plummeted into unconsciousness. But somewhere in those thoughts of despair he had a little hope that he might pass the trail and have a life again.