Shame & Guilt

Reema and the group

Sam was in shock. He couldn't believe that he had seen a ghost. And on top of that he was in jurisdiction of that ghost. Ghost of the girl that he learnt to love but couldn't keep. It had been a couple of months that he stopped looking for her after he failed to tell her what he felt for her. He tried to tell her many times but every time he had a chance he would lose it.

Her name was Ella. Ella Gurung. It was the name given to her by herself. Her name in accord to her parents was Bina. But she didn't like the sound of the name and she changed it.

A round face, with protruding lips and big round blue eyes. Cheeks that rose whenever she smiled and to add to that beauty, her big round eyes inflated, filling itself with shine whenever she smiled.

Sam had recently moved to Sinamangal because of his dad's business. They ran a clothing shop few meters west from Tara hall chowk (4 way’s junction) in an underground shutter. It was their new business, probably started around the New Year. His father had lost almost every battles in his life, but he still had his faith that one day his son will make everything alright, and so this shop was yet his another battle. He hoped that he could do really well with this business and clear out his debts and provide his family a decent lifestyle and safe future.

For the first few weeks Sam was helping his dad sincerely. Two of them would leave early in the morning from their home at Subhayata nagar (specific area probably bounded by a name), a toll (small area with 8-10 houses) in Lalitpur area. They would travel through local transport to reach their shop and commence its opening each day. One by one they would pick up jackets from pile and hang them in a beam beneath the ceiling outside their shutter. Then they would bring out hats and gloves and socks and trousers packed in plastic bags and keep them in sides of their shop. It was the month of January and it was still winter. They had a counter on the front side of the shop and on the walls were hangers to show their clothes.

Every two to three hours Sam would go out for smoking without consulting his father. And he would get scolded every time he returned.

His mother, once she was done with the chorus of cooking and sending other kids to school, she would pack food in a hot-case and come to shop.

Sam had particularly chosen a small cafe just a bit inside on the south from Tara hall chowk as his smoking ground. A couple on mid twenties with a son of 2-3 years old ran the cafe.

At evening time a group of 8-10 teens would come there every day and drink tea and have lunch and of course the smokes. It was like a fashion back then. Almost every teen of that time had pressed those cigarette butts onto their lips as they lost themselves into its fumes. Sam would listen them babbling about their days, making fun of each other and shouting and fighting. After one-two days Sam made sure that he would be there on their timing to catch their joy of life and among the fun of them he would smile too. But nobody bothered about him.

One day in the afternoon, he was leisurely having his cigarette and making small chats with the female owner of the cafe to whom he addressed as 'didi' (senior sister). A girl from the group he looked forward to catch sprang there. Sam had nearly finished his cigarette but as he saw her he thought about staying for a bit longer and order another cigarette and a cup of tea.

The girl was cracking few jokes with didi and also made few inquiries about the visit of other folks of her group. No one had reported in until the time.

As they were talking didi fired a question to Sam.

"Why so many teens do get involved into smoking these days?"

Sam took some time to register that didi had passed her attention to him and had thrown a question at him. He tried to come up with an answer but he wasn't able to get hold of an idea. He was a bookworm and he always tried to search for right answers even though the question sought only his opinion.

"It’s a new fashion didi."

“The girl in front of him answered for him. That’s an answer or an idea too.” Sam thought to himself.

Then he too added some words and the setting went silent for a moment.

Didi served him his tea and he asked for another cigarette. The girl also took one for herself.

Sam observed her hesitantly as she held the cigarette in between her make-up free lips and lighted it. She took a long inhale of the smoke and let out the smoke as if she was not just letting the smoke out but also, was bringing a closure to something that disturbed her head.

"Do you live around here? I see you here every day." The girl asked Sam.

"No, but I have got a shop nearby." Sam replied in surprise.

"Oh and you have chosen this place as your smoking place."

"Yes it is."

The three of them got involved into chit chats and didi most of the time was a medium in between them to keep the conversation going.

"I have taken longer than usual today. I gotta go now."

Sam delivered this message to the girl but in an indirect fashion, as if it was meant for didi.

Both of the ladies gave their acceptance to his request and in a moment Sam was almost on the road in front of cafe.

"Hey what's your name?" The girl inquired in a hurry as if she was going to lose something for lifetime.

"I am Sam Bhattarai." he replied with a smile and continued "And what's yours?"

"I m Reema Rai." she gladly answered. "See you in the evening."

"Yep see you."

Straight long hairs, egg shaped face with long black hair that reached her waistline and a little short height with a bit of fats in her body. She was not fat but she wasn't slim either.

By the time he reached chowk, he had completely forgotten about the girl he just introduced with and was now trying to formulate an excuse for taking so long to be back at shop from his lunch break.

He gave his parents a reasonable reason for being late. He was always able to do that. He always came up with convincing lies that would be disclosed only if his parent dig deep or consult with a third party involved in his story.

During his college days he had told that one of his teachers would come an hour late for he did a shift in next college so that he could get an hour to hang out with his friends. His parents believed that and he was caught only when his parents were called to college as he was caught smoking in college dress by one of his teacher. Anyways he was a cunning boy and at the same time he was stupid too. But let's get that part next time.

"Sam don't go out without our permission. It’s time to do some business. There will be horde of customers barging in. Do help us." His mother told.

And as always he gave his affirmation which didn't had any meaning as he always sneaked away when his parents got busy with customers and he was no longer in the vicinity of their suspecting eyes.

He entered the vacant cafe except for didi. A medium room, with a rack on a side at front, behind that, a table over which there was a gas stove. On the other side two tables with two sets of bench on each side.

"Hello didi" Sam greeted her and was pleasantly greeted back.

"You are early. Hmm.. you couldn't wait huh." she teased him.

"No no, it not like that, I just wanted to have cigrette that's all." Sam tried to clean the patch didi tried to drench him with.

He went in and made himself comfortable on a corner, leaning his back on the wall. He tried staying away from strangers as much as he could and that always made him go for corners and isolated places.

"I know you are of shy nature." she said and continued "But it’s ok, it’s the age, we get attracted to opposite gender. Tell me weren't you thinking about her all day."

"No, not at all. I was too busy with customers in shop."

"Really" didi seemed to be surprised. “You are different."

She passed him his tea and forwarded a stick of cigarette.

A couple Biman and Srijana and two brothers Nabin and Naresh entered the cafe with lots of sound. He realized they were from the group he waited eagerly every day. Seeing Sam occupying the inside table they seated themselves on front side table and in unison ordered for tea and cigarettes. Sam felt a little sad as he didn't saw Reema, but that soon went away as he listened them making fun of each other.

When he was almost done with his tea, he saw her. She greeted her friends and passed a hello to Sam. There was uproar for a moment there.

"Come on guys. You have seen him and we just got to know each other from today's afternoon with a little help from didi."

"What did you see in him that lacked in me my dear?" Naresh cracked a joke.

A slight smile appeared on Sam's face.

"My dear you are too old." Reema reciprocated as she winked at Naresh. He was indeed a little older that other members in the group.

Then she introduced Sam with other and they passed each other their names while they had a handshake. A formal way of greeting each other among teens of Nepal. They all shifted to the table Sam was sitting. Nabin took a seat closer to wall opposite to Sam. Naresh sat beside him and stretched his legs on bench to occupy the space and irritate Reema. Srijana and Biman were waiting for Reema to be seated before they took a seat.

"If you would hold my hand for a minute, I will let u have a seat beside me." Naresh offered Reema.

"I will have a seat on the floor rather than sit beside you."

“Come on Reema, you are the one who have known Sam for longer than any of us. You deserve the seat beside him." Srijana giggled and continued "Go and have a seat already so that we too can be seated."

Reema hesitantly proceeded towards Sam and took a seat. "We might have a new couple in our group very soon." Everyone shouted.

Srijana took a seat beside Reema and Biman tossed Naresh legs down from the bench and got seated.

"Can you shift a bit; I am running out of space here." Srijana teased Reema.

"You guys really need to stop. We are just new friends."

"We too were just friends until a month ago, remember?" Biman spoke pointing out him and Srijana with his fingers.

"You guys are really frank and friendly." Sam complimented them.

"Reema might be a bit more than that." Naresh added with a laugh.

Nabin who had dipped himself in his cell phone, all of a sudden got interested in the groups noise and shouted "Accept me my love, I will make them go silent at once."

"Oh, I know you can. But how could you not notice that I had accepted u a long ago."

"Oh really, you think you can overwhelm us with that skinny body of yours." Biman sighed.

"You don't know the strength of these biceps" retorted Nabin and posed trying to show off his muscles.

Everyone got into a loud glee. They banged the table out of their happiness.

Sam too smiled, and observed everyone amid their laughter.

After some time other four members joined. Ram and Saroj: who were cousin brothers, Lily and Rosy. They greeted each other. And they too had uproar about Reema getting new member into the group. They then took the next vacant table.

He was introduced to them as well. Since Sam was a new comer, everybody's attention was on him.

"What do you do Sam? I mean are you studying or working." Ram inquired.

"I just finished high school and on a break for a year. I think I will join for bachelors next year."

"Oh, you are a year senior to us, but we don't go around giving respect around here." Saroj tried humiliating him.

"That’s ok; I too have got some seniors whom I treat as friend." Sam took his critics with a smile.

"Well, I am the youngest here. I am in 10 currently and will join high school next year." Rosy stated.

"Hmm.. that means I would be the second youngest here. I finished 10 this year and I am doing Nursing. It’s just first year though. We have a vacation right now. So I am just waiting for the classes to begin." said Lily.

Sam shook his head to let them both know that he heard them.

They ordered for next round of tea. Cigarettes were in almost everyone's hand and it seemed that it would always be on their hands no matter how hard they kept on smoking. Their ordered came, and they enjoyed slurping the taste into their mouth with constant switch with puffs of cigarette.

Sam got some money out of his pockets to pay for his side. Almost everyone refused that funding saying it was his first day of friendship with them and they would pay for him as a treat for him.

"I am paying for just my shares." stated Srijana. She was a stingy person and kept her money uptight.

Sam stood and made his way out. On his way out Ram stated he would appreciate if Sam could meet them tomorrow in the morning at cafe. Sam nodded to Ram's proposal.

It was getting a bit dark and so Sam bade them farewell and went towards his shop. He told his parents he got some new friends and that took him sometime.

His parents didn't like the idea of their son getting new friends. They blamed his previous friend circle for declination of his academic records in college and were worried he would again have a wrong friends circle.

He and his parents thoroughly kept everything inside shop and locked it and then took a leave towards their home.

Tim and Gloria, his small brother and sister were watching TV in their parent’s room when they arrived home. Mom got into kitchen while dad brought the record diary of shop and started calculating the day’s business and income. Sam joined his brother and sister to watch TV.

The next day, he left with his dad as usual to his shop. He helped his dad thoroughly to decorate the shop. His father asked him to pour tea into cups from the pot they had brought along with them. He remembered Ram had asked him to be at cafe in the morning. He finished his tea and slowly sneaked away from his father's eyes.

Ram was already there sipping his tea and a cigarette in his hand. A dark blue coat and white shirt inside it. A tie that hid itself inside the coat halfway through. Black pants and black shoes. He was in uniform.

"Hello Ram, did you bunked the college?"

"Good morning Sam. Yes I did, its Friday after all." Ram replied and continued "that is why I asked you to be here yesterday. I also end up alone when I bunk college. But I guess that won’t happen any long."

"Where do others go at this hour? Why don't they join you?" Sam inquired.

"Well, guess they are bunch of lazy fellows sleeping until late hours."

Sam ordered for tea and a cigarette. Ram asked didi not to pass cigarette and from his pocket got a pack and offered Sam. Sam thanked him.

They got involved into knowing each other talk over their tea with frequents smoking. And after it was about time for Ram to be reasonably at shop they separated after they walked together till Tara hall chowk. Sam took west and Ram went across to north where his house was just about a 5 minutes’ walk.

During whole day Sam sneaked time and again from his parents to cafe for smoking. No one from the group arrive during those short breaks of him.

And at early evening he left for his usual reasons. Reema had just been there. See was excited to see him as was Sam too. He took his usual seat. She passed him the cigarette she was smoking before Sam could ask didi for one. Sam just thanked her and took a puff of her cigarette.

They kept glancing and smiling at each other. They wanted to talk to each other but both of them didn't knew how to get the conversation going. And so they just stayed to glancing and smiling thing.

After sometime Reema asked Sam to go out for a walk, so that until they returned, others too would be there.

Sam agreed and two of them went out.

When they returned after almost like half an hour Reema pointed towards a girl standing in front of cafe in blue jeans and green hood with white fur in its cap.

"She is the new girl of Ram. He is my ex."

Sam bluntly replied she isn’t good looking. It was not to make Reema feel good. It was just as he saw the new girl. But those words somewhere filled the ego of Reema.

"What’s her name?"

"Ella. Ella Gurung."