Shame & Guilt

March 25

He didn't come out of his for the dinner again. He just took on gaming for the time. Gaming had been his escape. He would forget almost everything when it came to gaming. It was such odd quirks of Sam that Ella liked. Like whenever he was with his group, he just remained silent and listened where as everybody got into sarcastic talks with each other. He seemed to enjoy himself and his own world inside his head. Nobody knew what was in his head, but every time there was something wrong in their group, he would come in front and try to solve the problems they were in.

But things were different now. Gaming had not been able to calm his mind. He had been going back to gaming since a month ago but still when he would leave the game, the dreadful feeling of guilt would haunt him again. He had been trying nonstop to forget things by involving in gaming. But things didn't go his way.

"I can't do this any long. It’s not gonna help. The streets are still the same; the room feels more of a prison now. What am I supposed to do?" Sam was walking around in circles inside his room trying to help himself from his misery.

All of his life events were reeling in his head. All of his moments with nothing more than happiness. Sadness never touched him. It could be because he was a little idiotic. If he failed at something, he would just tell himself I could have done better had I tried a bit hard. Just like in his studies, in those games where he lost, in his attempts to tell Ella what he felt. And he would say next time and let go of the matter. But next time were rare, except for gaming. And for all those moments of happiness, he was cursing himself now. He pulled his hair hard to cope with his emotional burden. That was not enough, he went and charged wall head on. Perhaps he was an Aries. And only after doing it for a third time he registered the pain. He patted his head and looked around his room.

His bed just beside the door and laptop on it. A small table in front of his bed. Two cupboards on adjacent side of a corner. One with books and one for clothes. Windows in between the cupboard for clothes and his bed. A calendar on the wall just opposite to the window.

"What day is it?" He took out his mobile from his pocket. It read '25th March.'

"s**t. It’s her birthday."

He went to take a book from cupboard and adjusted himself in his bed. His brother, Rabin loved novels. Sam had borrowed some of them from him and just left them on cupboard ever since. He found nothing to take a refugee from his mental state, so he turned to book. He had just taken a book randomly and now was looking at its cover.

'Veronica Decides to Die'

He read that as 'Ella Decides to Die' at first and rubbed his eyes before looking for a second time.

"Is the whole universe in conspiracy against me? Why did I pick this book? Couldn't it have been any other? Is this what 'Karma' is? May be I am doomed to be haunted by thoughts of her for forever."

He shifted his laptop and book on the table. Unwrapped his blanket and got him covered. He pulled out a pack of cigarette from under his pillow and lighter from his pocket. He placed astray so that it would just be around his comfort zone to be dumping the ashes.

"It was because of her, I met Ella." he didn't know if he should thank or curse Reema.

"A sixteen days love story with her." he let a contempting smile appear on his face. "I didn't even deserve that. May be I should have settled with her." he thought as he kept blowing smokes. "She wouldn't have settled anyway. She didn't and she wouldn't have."

Reema was the only girl with whom he had a two sided story. Or else he was always in one sided love. Two of them had accepted feelings for each other through  message in mobile just after two days of getting to know each other. But Sam was an i***t and shy as well. He never tried pushing boundaries with her while they were together. Or he was quite busy in his own life and she was more for him as a status rather than someone he would care.

He would meet her at the didi's cafe late in the morning. Someday it was only two of them and someday they had the company of other from the group. Reema would try her best to get him interested into her. But Sam would just be lost in his own thoughts and sometimes in the uproar of the group. He spoke to her only if she initiated the conversation or else he would just listen to others. And once everybody decided to take leave he too would simply leave to 'Lagankhel' his gaming ground. He would spend his day there and return just to be with everyone at cafe. She felt bad but she assumed that he just was a careless person and loved gaming more than anything and with a bit of resilience everyday she tried to incline him towards her.

Day by day, she realized that he didn't love her. Or that he didn't know what love was. And always she could see Ram and Ella romancing in front of her while Sam just seemed to be ignoring her. She was growing jealous and impatient for each passing moments.

Every passing day she wished that Sam would at least drop her home as a gesture of love towards her. But everyday she had to walk alone through the darkness. One day she asked him to drop her. He was up. She held his hand all through the way, resting her head to his upper arm. Not that Sam was tall, but she was quite a short girl. They walked on the riverside of 'Bagmati'.

They walked in silence although Reema was dying to hear words of love from Sam. But nothing slipped out of Sam's mouth. She felt broken. They reached a bridge. She stopped there for a while. Came in front of Sam and took his both hands into her. Sam casually let her take things in her hand. And slowly she raised herself as she neared to his lips. It could have been Sam's first intimate kiss. But at the final moment Sam turned his face and she just kissed his cheeks. She left saying she can make it from there. He too lighted a cigarette and returned back to his shop.

'He is just naive' she thought. And remained persistent with her new love. He now was walking everyday with her till her home. She was happy.

'He is just a little different.' That’s what she told herself every time she felt ignored. During a festival of 'holi' celebrated for victory over demon 'Holika' Sam asked her to go for a walk. This was his first request to her. They were sitting at cafe casually when Sam asked out saying he wanted to say how the festival was being celebrated.

As they were roaming around, she was splashed with a bucket of water by some boys. She was furious and started cursing them. But that was the way of celebrating the festival. Sam held her one hand and put his next hand around her. It was first gesture of closeness Sam had ever shown her. She immediately calmed down and they returned again to cafe after strolling around for a bit.

But from next day, she couldn't find Sam. He didn't appear at cafe. She called him many times but his phone was switched off. Later on when he was back after a week she came to know he went to cyber and had spent his entire week there. She realized she can't carry on with him anymore. She proposed a breakup through a message and ended things with him just the way it had began. Sam felt a little pinch. He counted the days. He had her as his girlfriend for 16 days.

Sam tried getting her back for some days. But Reema had tried in every way to stay with him, and so she didn't give in to Sam’s proposals. They would meet at cafe and talk and chat with everyone except for each other.

Up until now, Sam had been good friends with boys of the group but with girls he was still in phase of 'Hello, hi and bye'.

As the day passed, the group found other places to hang out. But the new place cut out some of the member of the group. Biman and Srijana stopped coming to the new place. Perhaps they had their own planning. Lily and Ella were classmates and that was how Ella was routed to group. Sam and Ella just had a difference of week in their enrollment to the group. Ella was the first one though.

Lily and Ella had their classes resumed couple of weeks ago. Ram bunked his classes almost every day. And Sam’s family had too shifted to Sinamangal for ease as they constantly had to travel a long route to reach their shop. They have rented a flat with two bedrooms and a kitchen. His brother and sister were left at hostel as they again would have to travel on bus everyday to reach school otherwise.

It had been a couple of month. Sam had completely forgotten that he had some responsibilities towards his family and shop, except for the opening and closing of the shop. For him it was all about fun and that too on everyday basis.

At 9 in the morning he would go to their new place. A cafe just beneath Nabin's house. Ram would be their already as he had nowhere to go after bunking his college. Ram would then politely ask Sam to be little earlier the next day. Sam would slightly nod his head, but again tomorrow he would be late. They would then call Nabin from mobile.

Three of them then would go to a nearby bar and have drinks. The reason, Sam's breakup for the early days and later Ram's fights with Ella. Sam though he couldn't keep his girl dropped suggestions about handling a girl. Ram just politely nodded, but just like Sam he too didn't followed suggestions and advice.

With alcohol inside their system, they would talk about everything they could find. And somehow, those moments helped them grow a stronger friendship.

In that cafe they found a new hobby. Chess. His father taught him how to move those pieces, when he was still child. His father had lost countless matches with him even when Sam was child just because he didn't wanted to see him cry. But with friends he seemed different. He didn't mind losing most of the times.

Three of them took rounds with chess and cigarettes. Sam had left thinking about Reema.

"Why can't I forget Ella with the same ease?" Sam questioned himself as he dumped the cigarette in his hand and lighted another.

Lily and Ella would join them at around 11, as they rushed there straight from their college. Sam had grown quite a fond of Lily after spending their time in the same fashion almost for everyday. She reflected the attitude of his sister, Gloria. She had the same anger. Same wit. One day he told her that and they develop a bond of brother and sister between them.

They also found a new member while they were still habitual to their new place. Jim. A big body filled with fats but in a proper way with oval face and eyes that seemed to be closed when he smiled. He was childhood friend of Ram, Saroj and Lily. Also he was a college mate of Reema. He too had shy nature. And somehow Sam felt like they two could be good friends as they shared similar traits. And Sam after reaching always asked if Jim had arrived yet.

One day, as soon as Lily and Ella arrived, Ella announced in happy mood, that it was her birthday the next day and they were all requested to be with her on her birthday.

The next day, as usual Sam, Ram and Nabin were at their new cafe since morning. Sam and Nabin were in a deep concentration for their chess championship and from a side Ram too displayed the same energy. They enjoyed playing with each other. They were like on par, one couldn't overwhelm other or in opposite one wouldn't be crushed by other. The tension usually remained until the end of the game.

As they went around with their turns, Jim joined them. He was the only non-smoker in the group. A bit later, Lily and Ella arrived together. Everyone wished her in unison. She blushed for a moment then took a seat beside Ram. Lily snatched cigarette from Sam's hand.  And when Sam stared at her as if he was about to scold her, she lowered her head to gesture for asking forgiveness. Sam striked her forehead with index and middle finger softly, a gesture of love he had seen in an anime.

Sam for the first time had noticed that Ella was irritating when she threw the pieces of chess as she shouted "It's my birthday, stop this already and let's be celebrating." But since he didn't have the habit of letting his anger out easily, he remained silent.

Ram tried to calm her down but Ella wouldn't listen to him as she was already intoxicated by the birthday feeling, and she felt like queen. Nabin too, then tried to entertain her. He was having friendly flirt with her as Sam made a mental note that she was a crazy person. He drifted to Jim for small talks.

Saroj and Reema informed them, that would be joining a bit later and so they could be starting the party. And with that they left to their usual bar.

A two room bar one for cooking and show casing their goods and the next for accommodating customers. There were few people already there but still six of them could adjust. They decided on drinking 'chyaang'. So Sam went ahead and ordered. With chyaang he also ordered for some of the non-veg items they served.

Five plates of non-veg and six bottles of chyaang. Ram, Nabin and Sam had been drinking partners for quite long now. And so they had that unspoken competition of who finishes the bottle first. Sam got his bottle down first. Everyone cheered. Second was Ram and last remained Nabin. Everyone teased him in every possible way they could. Next bottles went down in the same manner. And so on. It was getting darker now. They needed a place to stay. So they called Saroj and asked him to take care of that. He joined them after he had managed the room. Reema too arrived.

Everybody except for Saroj and Reema were high on chyaang. They had started to see two-four images of a single thing. And yet still, they somehow managed to set Sam and Reema next to each other. Her presence immobilized Sam. But Reema was full of energy and she too like the boys earlier took a bottle down in one go. Then second, then third.

They cleared the bill when it was getting pretty late and left for the hotel room. On the way they got themselves two bottles of branded alcohol and snacks as well as plastic cups so they could still continue drinking. They sang the birthday song in unison as they made their way to hotel room.

Nabin left for home when he dropped them at hotel. Everyone insisted for him to stay but he couldn't be persuaded or forced. And so he left.

A single room with one king-size bed and two single bed. A table in between. Sam who was in charge of drinks and snacks carefully placed them under the table. Everyone was inside room except for Ram and Ella. Sam left for washroom and from the door on the far side of passage he could see Ram and Ella into an intimate kiss.

"What are you guys doing?" Sam asked. A reason to call him an i***t.

"Umm.. kissing." Ram replied awkwardly.

"Oh" said Sam and took a turn to bathroom.

"He is an idiot." whispered Ella.

They went back to kissing.

Sam returned to room and shortly after Ram and Ella joined. Inside they again shared drinks. Ram and Ella were on one side of table pecking each other and giggling over their own talks. Lily and Reema were too having a big laugh together. And Saroj and Jim were talking slowly on one side.

Sam came forward to make another round of pegs and as pegs were being filled everyone realized it was their last. Once finished, Sam distributed the glasses around. Everyone went silent holding their breath for some time and all of a sudden there were swift movements. Ram and Ella reserved themselves a single bed on right. Reema and Saroj ended on left side single bed and Lily was on king size bed. Sam and Jim felt a little awkward to join Lily. Lily called Jim “The bed is big enough, you can adjust here.”

Sam was left alone on floor. They were all now inside cover except Sam. He was feeling cold and wanted to have cigarette. Saroj had the packet so he went to him. He could see Reema asleep already. He asked Saroj to shift a bit. Saroj refused but Sam told he would be there until the cigarette lasts. So Saroj shifted. Sam watched Reema intently as he kept blowing fumes. When he was almost done smoking he stretched his hand over Reema’s face let it slide over her cheeks. He whispered "I love you."

Afraid Sam might get over emotional Saroj asked Sam to go. "Go or she will kill me if she wakes up and finds you touching her."

Sam left and went to floor. He closed his eyes to get some sleep. But he could still hear other talking. Also the coldness of floor was not letting him get any sleep. Reema woke up and saw Sam on the floor. She opened her long coat and covered Sam with it. She did loved him or at least she cared for him.

A lover would have slept on bed of nails had their partner show such gesture on their breakup phase, but Sam would not understand such gestures on emotional level. Though he failed to appreciate her sweet gesture he appreciated the aroma that had lingered in the coat. And after sometime Sam got everyone to wake up saying he wants to get out of the motel right then.

Still with the energy of alcohol they had taken from evening, Ram Saroj and Jim agreed to his proposal. They four climbed down a pipe from fifth floor, leaving just girls in the room, jumped into territory of other people houses and were in the roads.

They circled around Sinamangal for few times and then the alcohol effect started to wear off. The temperature was cold and they were hungry. They called Nabin, asked if he could help. He said he could provide food if they can make it to his house and if they promise to remain silent. They made a deal and went to Nabin place to have some food. Nabin brought some beaten rice mixed with ghee to his gate where others were waiting. They appreciated what they had as hunger was getting over them. Finally their hunger was gone but they needed a warm shelter now. Where could they find it? They tried getting into KMC hospital but the guards didn't let them get in. So they went to Shikshantar School and sat in stairs that meet the roads. It was a good place. Three sides had walls to cut off wind.

In the early morning, when it was about time for the world to start operating again, they emptied their pocket to find just enough money to get tea for everyone there. They walked till Tilganga for tea and then weary and tired and cold they returned to hotel. Ram asked Lily to send someone from the hotel crew to open the door. And so a small boy opened the door and welcomed them to what could have been heaven for them. This time Sam didn't had to sleep on the floor. Lily asked Sam to join as they felt they still had a little space.

It had happened about 4 years ago in today’s date. But for Sam it felt like a memory from far beyond the grasp of time. From somewhere not even time could bring back if it wanted. But she was still alive on that somewhere.

Sam checked his mobile again. It read 00:12.

"Happy belated birthday to you."