When We’re Ready

Chapter Twenty-Nine — The Message-Rowan

I was frustrated.

There.

I had finally admitted it to myself.

I was frustrated.

Tomorrow was another rest day, and I had already decided where I wanted to spend it.

With Richard.

Of course.

But this time, I had something planned.

Not a date.

Not a restaurant.

Not anything complicated.

Just me.

And maybe—

just maybe—

I was going to make it impossible for him to keep pretending he didn’t understand what I wanted.

Earlier that week, I had ordered something online.

Two-piece sleeping sets.

Cute ones.

Soft fabric.

The kind that felt almost ridiculous against your skin because they were so comfortable.

I had bought a few different colors.

But the one I had been thinking about all day was seafoam green.

The exact shade of my eyes.

I knew Richard loved my eyes.

He’d told me enough times.

Sometimes he’d just stare at them.

Sometimes he’d touch my face and say something about how unusual the color was.

So I had thought—

Maybe if I wore something that matched them, he’d notice.

Maybe he’d look at me differently.

Maybe he’d finally understand what I wasn’t brave enough to say.

I wasn’t sure what I was trying to accomplish.

Seduce him?

Probably.

Get his attention?

Definitely.

Prove to myself that he was attracted to me?

Maybe.

Because lately, a horrible little thought had started creeping into my head.

Maybe Richard wasn’t attracted to me the way I thought he was.

And then another thought had appeared.

Maybe he was getting what he needed somewhere else.

That one made me angry.

Why would I even think that?

Richard wasn’t the type of man who seemed to have trouble finding people.

He was attractive.

Successful.

Confident.

Older.

Experienced.

He could probably walk into any room and have people interested in him within five minutes.

So why wasn’t he sleeping with me?

I’d been asking myself that question for weeks.

And tonight, I was determined to stop wondering.

Or at least try.

⸻

Practice ended late.

By the time I got into the car, it was already around nine.

My usual routine had become almost automatic.

I told Mom I was spending the night at Marcus’s.

She already knew the pattern by now.

I wasn’t sure whether she actually believed me every time.

Probably not.

Mothers weren’t stupid.

But she didn’t push.

My phone buzzed.

Richard: I’m outside.

I smiled.

I grabbed my bag and headed out.

When I got into the car, everything was exactly as usual.

Richard was sitting in the back, working on his tablet.

Black shirt.

Dark trousers.

His attention on whatever document was in front of him.

He looked up briefly.

“Hey, baby.”

“Hey.”

He reached for my hand.

Kissed my knuckles.

Then went back to work.

Typical Richard.

I sat beside him quietly.

I didn’t complain.

I’d learned by now that Richard could work almost anywhere.

And just because I was there didn’t mean his entire world stopped.

I actually liked that about him.

Mostly.

Tonight, though, I was impatient.

Very impatient.

⸻

When we arrived at his house, Richard kissed me before we went inside.

“I have a few meetings.”

“I know.”

“I’ll come upstairs when I’m finished.”

“Okay.”

He squeezed my hand.

“Get comfortable.”

I smiled.

I knew the drill.

I went upstairs.

Opened his closet.

Changed.

And when I looked in the mirror, I almost laughed.

The seafoam-green set looked…

Cute.

Really cute.

The fabric was soft.

The shorts were comfortable.

The top was simple but flattering.

It showed more skin than what I normally slept in.

Not too much.

Just enough.

I looked at myself from the side.

Then I adjusted my hair.

Maybe I was doing too much.

I added a little soft perfume.

Something clean and warm.

Then lotion.

I stared at myself again.

“What are you doing, Rowan?”

I had no idea.

Maybe I was trying to seduce my own boyfriend.

Maybe I was trying to remind him that I was his boyfriend.

Maybe I was just tired of waiting.

Whatever the reason, I went downstairs.

I sat on the couch and started scrolling through my phone.

I tried to act normal.

Like I hadn’t spent twenty minutes deciding whether my sleepwear was too obvious.

Then I heard the office door open.

I looked up.

Richard walked out.

He had changed.

Sweatpants.

Plain T-shirt.

Barefoot.

Casual.

And the moment he saw me, he stopped.

His eyes moved over me.

Then back to my face.

“Baby.”

I smiled innocently.

“Hi.”

“What are you wearing?”

I looked down.

“Clothes.”

He laughed softly.

“Is that what you’re sleeping in?”

“Yeah.”

He stared at me for another second.

“Wow.”

I tried not to smile.

“Is that good wow or bad wow?”

“Good.”

He came closer.

“It looks nice.”

I looked away.

“Thank you.”

He smiled.

“It matches your eyes.”

My heart jumped.

“Thank you, Daddy.”

I made sure I said it slowly.

Flirtatiously.

I looked directly at him afterward.

Richard went still.

There it was.

That look.

The one I had been waiting for.

He came closer.

I was sitting on the couch, and he stood in front of me for a moment.

Then he leaned down.

“You smell good.”

I smiled.

“I put on perfume.”

“I noticed.”

He kissed my cheek.

Then my jaw.

Then the side of my neck.

My eyes closed.

His lips moved slowly toward my ear.

He kissed just behind it.

My breath caught.

Then he kissed my earlobe.

I immediately felt my whole body react.

I hated how easily he could do that to me.

A few seconds later, he pulled back.

Just like that.

I opened my eyes.

He looked perfectly calm.

I stared at him.

“Richard…”

He smiled.

“What?”

I wanted to ask him.

I wanted to say everything.

Are you attracted to me?

Why don’t you want me?

Why are we still waiting?

Is there somebody else?

But before I could say anything—

His phone rang.

Richard sighed.

“One second.”

He picked it up.

“Yes?”

I watched his expression change into work mode.

He listened.

Then nodded.

“Send it.”

A pause.

“Now?”

Another pause.

“Fine.”

He ended the call.

He looked at me.

“Baby, I’m coming back.”

“What happened?”

“They sent a document I need to sign.”

He placed the phone on the couch.

“I just need to go to the office and sign it. I’ll be back really soon.”

I nodded.

“Okay.”

He kissed my forehead.

“Don’t go anywhere.”

Then he disappeared toward his office.

I picked up my phone again.

I tried to distract myself.

I really did.

But my mind was still racing.

I was still thinking about the kiss.

The way he’d looked at me.

The way he’d said my outfit matched my eyes.

Maybe tonight—

Maybe tonight was finally going to be different.

Then his phone lit up.

I wasn’t trying to look.

I swear.

I wasn’t.

The screen was right there.

And I saw the preview.

Just a few words.

Enough.

I miss you. And I miss how you f**k me.

I froze.

My stomach dropped.

“What the f**k?”

I stared at the screen.

I shouldn’t have read it.

I knew that.

I knew it wasn’t my business.

But I’d already seen it.

And now I couldn’t unsee it.

Who was that?

Who the hell was messaging Richard like that?

My heart started beating faster.

Maybe it was someone from his past.

Maybe it was nothing.

Maybe—

No.

My brain didn’t want reasonable explanations.

It wanted the worst possible one.

This is why.

My stomach twisted.

This is why he doesn’t sleep with you.

I stared at the office door.

He’s getting it somewhere else.

The thought made my chest hurt.

I knew Richard had relationships before me.

I knew he had a past.

I knew he had dated men.

That wasn’t the problem.

The problem was that this message sounded recent.

Too recent.

Too comfortable.

Too intimate.

And suddenly all those months of waiting felt different.

The kisses.

The touching.

The cuddling.

The way Richard always stopped.

Maybe he wasn’t stopping because he was being respectful.

Maybe he simply didn’t need me.

Maybe he already had somebody else.

I stood up.

Then sat down again.

My hands were shaking.

“Don’t be stupid.”

I whispered it to myself.

“Don’t be stupid, Rowan.”

But my mind was already creating an entire story.

Who was the man?

How long had it been going on?

Was Richard seeing him while dating me?

Was that why he was always busy?

Was that why he never made the first move?

Was he sleeping with someone else and coming home to cuddle me because he felt guilty?

I felt sick.

I looked toward the office again.

I could hear nothing.

My eyes went back to the phone.

The message was still there.

And suddenly the seafoam-green pajamas felt stupid.

The perfume felt stupid.

Everything I’d done tonight felt stupid.

I had spent the entire day thinking maybe tonight Richard would finally look at me and want me the way I wanted him.

And now I was sitting on his couch wondering if he already wanted somebody else.

My chest tightened.

I picked up my own phone.

I thought about calling Mom.

No.

Absolutely not.

I thought about calling Marcus.

Definitely not.

I looked toward the office.

Richard was still inside.

I didn’t know what I was going to do.

I only knew one thing.

When he came back into that room, I was going to need an answer.

Because for the first time since we’d started dating, I wasn’t wondering why Richard hadn’t made a move.

I was wondering whether he’d been making that move—

just not with me.