Chapter Thirty — Please Let Me Explain-Richard
2072 Words
I signed the document.
That was all it was supposed to be.
One signature.
A few minutes.
Then I would go back downstairs, sit beside Rowan, and finish the evening with him.
I had no idea that by the time I walked out of my office, everything had changed.
I opened the office door and walked straight toward the living room.
“Baby—”
I stopped.
Rowan was sitting on the couch.
But something was wrong.
His posture was stiff.
His face was tight.
His eyes looked different.
He wasn’t scrolling through his phone anymore.
He was staring at me.
Angry.
Upset.
And—
Had he been crying?
I frowned.
“Hey, babe.”
Nothing.
I walked closer.
“I’m sorry. Did I take too long?”
His jaw tightened.
“Yeah.”
I blinked.
“That’s why you’re angry?”
“Yeah.”
Something wasn’t right.
I knew Rowan.
He didn’t get angry like this.
Not usually.
He was soft.
Calm.
Funny.
Even when he was annoyed, there was usually some little smile hiding somewhere.
Not tonight.
I took another step toward him.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
He looked at me.
Then his eyes moved toward the couch.
My phone.
I immediately understood.
He grabbed it.
His fingers were shaking.
He held it up.
“Who the f**k is this?”
My stomach dropped.
“What?”
He shoved the phone toward me.
I looked at the screen.
The message.
I miss you. And I miss how you f**k me.
For a second, I couldn’t speak.
“Baby—”
“No.”
He stood up.
“Who is this?”
“Rowan, let me explain.”
“Explain what?”
His voice cracked.
“Is this why you’re not f*****g me?”
My entire body went still.
“What?”
“Is this why you don’t want to get close to me?”
“Baby—”
“Is this why?”
His voice rose.
“Is this why you’ve been holding me and cuddling me and kissing me, but you don’t actually want me?”
“No.”
“Then why?”
Tears were already running down his face.
I had never seen him like this.
Not once.
“You feel guilty, don’t you?”
“No.”
“That’s why you cuddle with me.”
“Rowan—”
“While you’re f*****g somebody else!”
“Baby, no.”
He shook his head violently.
“He said he misses how you f**k him.”
I closed my eyes for a second.
“Rowan, I—”
“You are my boyfriend!”
His voice broke.
“And I don’t even know what it’s like to be with you.”
That hurt.
More than I expected.
“You think that’s because I’m with someone else?”
“Then what is it?”
He wiped his face angrily.
“Why have you not wanted me?”
I stared at him.
I had wanted him.
God, had I wanted him.
Every day.
Every time he walked into my house.
Every time he climbed into my bed.
Every time he looked at me with those seafoam-green eyes.
Every time he called me Daddy with that little smile.
I wanted him.
More than I had wanted anyone.
But Rowan was crying.
My baby was crying.
And that was all that mattered.
“Baby.”
I moved closer.
“Please let me explain.”
“What do you want to explain?”
He laughed bitterly.
“That you don’t find me attractive?”
“No.”
“That you don’t want my body?”
“No.”
“That you’ve been touching other people?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
His voice broke again.
“Why?”
I took another step.
“Baby, please calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down!”
He was shaking now.
“I’ve been sitting here wondering what’s wrong with me!”
“There is nothing wrong with you.”
“Then why don’t you want me?”
“I do.”
“Then why?”
I reached for him.
He immediately stepped back.
“Please don’t touch me.”
I froze.
“Rowan.”
“Don’t.”
His voice was quieter now.
“Don’t touch me with the hands you’ve been touching another man with.”
That sentence hit me harder than anything else.
I stared at him.
Jealous.
Rowan was jealous.
I’d never seen him jealous before.
I’d never seen him this angry.
This hurt.
This vulnerable.
And honestly?
It scared me.
Not because I thought he would hurt me.
Because I had never wanted to be the reason he felt this way.
“Baby.”
I kept my hands at my sides.
“Can I please explain?”
He looked away.
Then wiped his cheeks.
“Fine.”
He swallowed.
“Go ahead.”
He looked back at me.
“Explain.”
Then, bitterly:
“Feed me more lies.”
I shook my head.
“No.”
I took a breath.
“Baby, I’ve not been intimate with you because I’m f*****g somebody else.”
He stared at me.
“I haven’t been intimate with you because…”
I stopped.
The truth sounded ridiculous even in my own head.
“I don’t know.”
His eyebrows pulled together.
“What?”
“I don’t know.”
I exhaled.
“But I know this.”
I looked directly at him.
“I want you.”
His eyes filled again.
“I want you really badly.”
I swallowed.
“I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”
He didn’t move.
“I want you in ways that honestly scare me.”
His breathing shook.
“And that’s part of why I’ve been holding myself back.”
I took another step.
Still keeping my distance.
“I’ve had relationships before you. I’ve been with people before you. Most of them were physical. There wasn’t anything complicated about it.”
I shook my head.
“But you?”
I laughed softly, almost bitterly.
“You are not simple.”
His eyes stayed on mine.
“When you come over, I don’t just want to touch you. I want to hold you.”
My voice softened.
“I want to cuddle with you.”
“I want to cook for you.”
“I want to hear you talk about your day.”
“I want to wake up next to you.”
“I want to kiss you until you forget what time it is.”
“And yes, Rowan…”
I swallowed.
“I want you physically. Very badly.”
He looked down.
“I’ve imagined us together more times than I’m willing to admit.”
His cheeks turned slightly pink despite everything.
“But I kept stopping.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t want our first time to happen because I was impatient.”
I looked at him.
“I wanted you to be sure.”
His lips trembled.
“I wanted you to choose me.”
⸻
He looked at me for several seconds.
Then whispered,
“You want me?”
“Yes.”
“It’s been three months.”
“I know.”
“You’ve barely touched me.”
I closed my eyes briefly.
“That’s not true.”
“You know what I mean.”
I nodded.
“I do.”
His voice became softer.
“You kiss me here…”
He touched behind his own ear.
“You kiss the back of my ears.”
He swallowed.
“You know what that does to me.”
I almost smiled.
Almost.
“But then you stop.”
I nodded.
“I know.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you too much.”
He stared at me.
“What does that even mean?”
“It means I don’t stop because I don’t want you.”
I stepped closer.
“I stop because I want you so badly that sometimes I don’t trust myself to take another step without knowing you’re completely ready.”
He looked at me through wet eyes.
“I want you, Richard.”
I exhaled slowly.
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
He shook his head.
“I’ve been trying to show you.”
That hurt.
Because I had seen it.
I had just been too careful.
“I know.”
He wiped another tear away.
“And that message?”
I looked toward the phone.
“I don’t know who that is.”
His expression changed.
“You don’t?”
“No.”
“You’re serious?”
“Completely.”
I picked up the phone.
“I have no idea who sent it.”
He stared at me.
“But…”
“I haven’t been with anyone since I met you.”
His eyes widened slightly.
“Anyone?”
“Anyone.”
I shook my head.
“Not since we started talking. Not since before we started dating.”
I looked at him.
“There’s nobody else.”
He didn’t answer.
“And I am not getting what I want from someone else.”
I paused.
“Because you’re the person I want.”
His eyes filled again.
I hated seeing him cry.
“I should have told you this sooner.”
I rubbed my forehead.
“I should have explained why I was holding back.”
I looked at the message again.
“And whoever this is…”
My jaw tightened.
“They shouldn’t have sent me that.”
I opened the conversation.
“I don’t know why they thought they could.”
I started typing.
Then stopped.
I looked at Rowan.
“I’ll tell them I’m in a serious relationship.”
I typed another message.
“And then I’m blocking them.”
I showed him the screen.
“I promise you, that person is not coming between us.”
Rowan looked exhausted.
Completely exhausted.
He sat back down.
I wanted to sit beside him.
I wanted to hold him.
But I remembered what he’d said.
So I stayed where I was.
“Baby.”
He didn’t look at me.
“Please.”
He finally looked up.
“I’m too tired for this.”
His voice was barely audible.
“I’m going to bed.”
“Rowan—”
“I’m tired.”
He stood.
I watched him pick up his bag.
“Baby, please don’t go to sleep upset with me.”
“I’m not trying to.”
He looked at me.
“I’m just tired.”
Then he walked away.
I didn’t stop him.
I couldn’t.
Not after he’d asked me not to touch him.
I watched him disappear upstairs.
The house suddenly felt enormous.
And empty.
I looked down at my phone.
The message was still there.
I stared at it.
Then my expression hardened.
“Who the f**k are you?”
I opened the conversation.
I went through the previous messages.
Nothing.
No name I recognized.
No reason.
No context.
Just that one message.
At midnight.
From someone who apparently thought they still had some kind of access to me.
I leaned back against the couch.
This person had no idea what they had just done.
They hadn’t simply sent me a message.
They had walked straight into my relationship.
They had made Rowan cry.
They had made him question whether I wanted him.
They had made him believe that the three months I’d spent falling for him were somehow a lie.
And that was something I couldn’t forgive.
I looked toward the stairs.
Rowan was upstairs.
Probably crying again.
And I was downstairs holding a phone with a message from a stranger that had almost destroyed the trust we’d spent three months building.
I opened the conversation again.
My thumb hovered over the keyboard.
Then I typed:
Who are you?
I sent it.
And for the first time in years, I wasn’t thinking about business.
I wasn’t thinking about work.
I wasn’t even thinking about myself.
I was thinking about one thing.
How the hell was I going to make Rowan believe me?
Because I loved the way he trusted me.
And tonight, for the first time, I had seen exactly how much it hurt him to think he’d lost that trust.
I wasn’t going to let some stranger take it from us.
Not without a fight.
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