Because We Are Made Of Dreams

Dealing With Feelings (I)

Simon was pressing her against him. His body was warm against hers, and his hands were caressing her back. She couldn"t deny he was a great kisser. He undoubtedly knew what he was doing. But... was it what she was supposed to feel like? She liked it of course. It was pleasant, undoubtedly. But wasn"t she supposed to literally melt? To have butterflies in her stomach? Wasn"t she supposed to... feel something? It wasn"t the great fireworks she had always imagined, and she didn"t really know what to do. They finally pulled away, and Simon, slightly out of breath, whispered against her ear.

"I"ve been dying to do this for so long now..."

But what about Clara? Had she been dying to kiss him? He started to kiss her neck, and she slipped away from his arms, taking a few steps back. The boy looked at her, standing still.

"It was too quick? I went too far?" he asked her, his voice a bit hoarse.

"I guess you can put it that way," she answered.

"Sorry then."

"I"m fine."

He took a step towards her, but she backed off instantly.

"Look, I"m not sure we should do this," she said.

"I didn"t want to scare you."

"I"m sorry, but this is going way too fast for me. And I"m not sure..."

She rubbed her forehead.

"I need to think," she finally struggled to say.

"Sure, I understand," Simon told her.

He looked sad, but she couldn"t change her mind. She had no idea about what she was feeling, or what she was supposed to feel... But she knew something was wrong.

"I"ve got to go, Simon."

"I didn"t mean to hurt you, Clara."

"I know. It"s me, I"ve got to think that"s all."

She walked past him and hurried towards the Gryffindor Tower. She rushed into her dorm and let herself fall on her bed. She had to calm down. She had to rationalize it all. First of all, what had she felt when he had kissed her? Not much actually. It was pleasant, but no fireworks like she had imagined she would feel when kissed by the man she would love, or at least fancy. No butterflies, her heart didn"t go all crazy... When he had pressed her against him, and held her tightly in his arms, she hadn"t felt anything either. Maybe she didn"t fancy him after all... But he was handsome, and smart, and quite nice... what was wrong with her, he was a good guy, with many qualities... She buried her face in her pillow, feeling completely lost.

What was happening to her?

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James couldn"t understand why Shelley was avoiding him. She had turned away when he had come into the Great Hall at breakfast, and now from across the room she was clearly ignoring him. He frowned, and started to get up, when Sirius fell upon the chair next to his. At the sight of his expression, James fell back in his chair as well, suddenly worried. Sirius looked terrible.

"Are you alright, Pads?" James asked him.

He was pale as a sheet, and his eyes were swollen, as if he had just cried.

"Of course I am," the boy merely answered.

"You don"t look like you"re alright."

McGonagall shushed them, and they looked down at their parchment, grabbing their quills and beginning to write down the lesson.

"It"s just my leg," whispered Sirius, knowing that his friend would not give up without an explanation. "I ran down the stairs to pick up my bag, but I hurt myself."

"Do you think you"ll need Skelegrow?" James asked him, worried.

"No, I"m fine. It just hurts a bit, that"s all. I"ve already healed myself, don"t worry."

James stared at him, before beginning to write again.

"I"ll take a look at lunchtime," he stated.

"As you wish," Sirius answered.

He wrote down what their teacher was writing on the black board, but he didn"t even know what he was copying, all he could think about was Clara, and the pain that was slowly destroying his heart. He looked for the girl through the room, and finally noticed her absence. Where the hell was she? She and Simon had already disappeared when he had come back to the Great Hall to pick up his bag, so where the hell could she be now if not in class? His quill froze on his parchment, making a black stain across his spell, but he didn"t even notice. What if she was still with Simon? What if he had dragged her in a cupboard with him? What if they were... Sirius closed his eyes, suddenly nauseous. It was crazy anyway, Clara wasn"t the kind of girl who would let herself be seduced so easily. Maybe they were still together, okay, but they definitely were not... he couldn"t even form the words in his head. He was so nauseous by now, he wasn"t sure he would be able not to throw up.

"Pads, are you okay?" James whispered.

Sirius couldn"t reply, or he probably wouldn"t be able to stop himself from throwing up on Remus"s back.

"Pads?" James asked a bit louder.

Remus and Peter turned around, and a worried expression formed instantly on their faces at the sight of their friend.

"Padfoot, what"s wrong?" Remus asked him.

Sirius"s head was spinning. If Clara and Simon were still together, they were probably snogging, even if it was certain that she would never let him go any further. Still, by now, they were surely snogging like mad... Sirius closed his eyes again, feeling sicker than ever.

"Mr. Lupin, Mr. Pettigrew, turn around!" McGonagall ordered them.

"Professor, Sirius is not well," said Remus.

"Can I take him to the Hospital Wing?" asked James.

The two boys sounded clearly worried, and just like the rest of the class, the teacher took a closer look at Sirius. He was pale as a sheet, and shaking slightly, as if he had a fever. McGonagall hurried towards him.

"Mr. Black, what"s wrong?"

Sirius swallowed back the lump in his throat, and struggled to answer, his voice hoarse.

"I"m not feeling well at all, Professor."

"Yes, I can see that. Mr. Potter, take him to the Hospital Wing."

James was already on his feet, but Sirius pushed him gently away when he tried to help him stand.

"It"s okay Professor, I can go by myself."

"Mr. Black..."

"Sirius, are you mad?" James interrupted her. "You can"t even stand."

"Of course I can."

And he proved James wrong, standing on his own.

"What are you going to do anyway?" he whispered to James, so that only he could hear. "Hold my hand while I throw up?"

James shook his head, sighing in defeat. Sirius walked out of the room. He headed for the Gryffindor Tower. No need to go to the Hospital Wing, he knew perfectly well why he was feeling sick. He wondered if James always felt this way when he saw Lily and Liam together. He probably wasn"t that moved though, after all he had been rejected by her for more than five years. With time, Sirius would learn to control his reactions as well, or at least he hoped so. He finally reached the dorms, and threw himself down on his bed. He didn"t want to do anything, he simply wanted to remain there all day long, and to never get out of his bed, so that he would never have to face Simon and Clara together. His eyes wandered through the room, and spotted an old piece of parchment on James"s bedside table. Sirius got up and strode to James"s bed, picking up the parchment. He couldn"t help it; he had to know where she was, if she was with Simon... He pointed his wand towards the old parchment.

"I solemnly swear that I"m up to no good," he said quickly, already unfolding the Marauder"s Map.

He searched for the couple in all the corners of the Castle where two people snogging could hide, but he didn"t find them anywhere. He frowned, and he finally found Simon in the dungeons, in class. He was attending Potions with Slughorn. But if he was in Potions, it meant that he and Clara had separated early enough for him not to be late, or for sure Slughorn would never have let him come to class. When it came to punctuality, Slughorn was really uptight. Which meant... that they had not been snogging like Sirius had thought... A smile curved slowly on his lips. But where was Clara then? And why wasn"t she in Transfiguration? His smile disappeared. He must have broken her heart. This i***t had upset her, and so she didn"t go to class that morning. He looked for her through the Castle, and found her labelled dot in her dorm. Rage boiled in his veins... This asshole had hurt her, and now she was probably crying all by herself. She needed help, she needed him...

"Mischief managed," he mumbled, his wand touching the Map.

The parchment went blank again, he threw it back on James"s bedside table, and strode out of the room. He didn"t feel sick anymore, he felt angry, terribly angry. He stopped in front of the girls" staircase, and closed his eyes. He couldn"t climb up the stairs as a boy, the old spell would make him fall down back to the Common Room, but as a dog... He quickly changed into his animal form and hurried up the stairs.

---------------------------------------------------

Her head was throbbing, a terrible headache piercing her brain. Her face buried in her pillow, she was lying on her bed, perfectly still. She couldn"t understand a thing. Simon was a great match for her, everyone was telling her so. He was clever, and handsome, and nice... He had been unbelievably understanding with her and her crazy moment of panic, and clearly he was ready to take his time with her. She knew he wanted a serious relationship; his reaction when she had backed away proved it. Still, she didn"t think that this was what it was supposed to feel like. And she couldn"t understand why she was unable to feel anything more for Simon, while theoretically, he had everything she could have wanted. Clearly she would be safe with him, and he was a wise and safe choice. All the arguments she could find were telling her to give him a chance, that this was a good idea, but her heart remained indifferent, and she couldn"t understand why her heart and her head couldn"t agree. She felt the urge to talk to someone about it, and to ask for advice. But while Lily would have calmed her down, and Alice would have reassured her, and Marlene would have given her some tips, she wished Sirius was here. She wanted to see him, and to tell him how she felt, and though he would probably be no good at giving advice, she didn"t care. She wanted to see him so much. She looked at her watch, and realized it was right in the middle of their Transfiguration class with McGonagall. Which meant that he was in class, and couldn"t come to her aid. Anyway, he couldn"t have climbed the stairs. She buried her face in her pillow again, feeling even more miserable than before. Suddenly, she jumped when three loud barks broke the silence of the Tower. She looked at the door. This was impossible... She stood up and strode to the door, opening it quickly. A big black dog was sitting on the threshold, waving his tail as he caught sight of her.

"Sirius?" she asked, her eyes wide with surprise.

The dog barked again, and rubbed his head against her thighs, pushing her slightly so that she would let him come inside. She made way for him to pass and closed the door behind him. The dog jumped on her bed, and stared at her. She stood still for a moment, before sitting back on her bed too. She looked sad, but not devastated, and clearly she hadn"t cried. Sirius was relieved, and instead of turning back into a boy, he made some crazy faces, and jumped on her bed, chasing after his tail. Clara couldn"t help but laugh. Somehow she felt much better with Sirius in the room. He sat back next to her, waiting for her to speak first. She felt the urge to hug him. She didn"t know why, but she felt like she would feel better if he held her close. And so she took Sirius in her arms, his soft fur brushing her cheek.

"Sirius, thank you," she whispered.

He changed back to his human form and wrapped his strong arms around her.

"Are you alright?" he asked her.

"How did you know I was here? And aren"t you supposed to be in class anyway?" she replied.

"I could say the same. When I saw you weren"t in Transfiguration, I looked for you."

She closed her eyes, burying her face in his shirt.

"Thank you..."

"Anytime. But what happened anyway?"

She sighed against his shoulder, and the warmth of her breath flowed across his whole body.

"Well... you know, when he asked me to talk this morning, Simon, he... kissed me."

Sirius didn"t move.

"Oh... and?" he asked, trying to control his shaking voice.

"And... nothing. That"s the problem."

Sirius frowned, looking down at her, but her face was still buried against his shoulder.

"I don"t understand," he admitted.

"I didn"t feel anything! I was supposed to feel something, wasn"t I?"

She looked up at him.

"Well... yes, I guess you were," he answered, not really understanding what was going on.

"I mean... I"ve always imagined that I would feel like... fireworks, and butterflies in my stomach, and all these things, and I didn"t. I don"t know, I guess I"m just... disappointed. Because on the other hand everyone is telling me that he"s great, and that I should give him a chance... and that"s true, from a rational point of view, he"s a great match for me. But I don"t know, I thought it would be different. And he was so understanding when I told him that I needed more time. I don"t want to hurt him. "Cause really Sirius, I know you had your doubts, but I saw the look on his face when I told him I needed some time, and he really looked sad. I think he really cares about me."

She moaned loudly, letting her head fall back in the crook of Sirius"s neck.

"I don"t know what to do."

Sirius gently stroked her hair. He wasn"t angry anymore, nor upset, he was calm again, and able to think. Simon hadn"t done anything wrong, and Clara was asking herself a thousand questions, that was all. He couldn"t help but smile as she closed her hand on his shirt. His heart was racing, and his body was shivering delightfully, and yet he felt peaceful with her. He held her so close to him, he never wanted them to move.

"Well... I"m not an expert," he finally said, "but from my point of view, it seems quite simple."

She looked up at him.

"You don"t fancy him."

"But it"s so illogical!"

"Since when feelings are logical?" he replied.

"You may have a point."

"It"s not because two people on paper are supposed to fall in love and live happily ever after that they actually do in real life. Sometimes, it"s completely different people who have the best relationships."

She smiled.

"You"re right. I"m torturing myself to find an explanation, but there"s none."

"Exactly."

"What should I do then?"

Sirius shrugged.

"Whatever would make you happy."

Her smile turned into a grin.

"You"re right. I shouldn"t try to rationalize something like that. I should listen to my heart instead."

"Good idea."

"You"re brilliant!"

"I know I am."

They giggled, and she squeezed him against her again.

"Thank you so much."

"You"re welcome Clara."

They remained still for a while. Clara had closed her eyes, and she felt so calm, and so safe in Sirius"s arms, that she didn"t want to let go. Without her noticing, her heart had slowly quickened, and by now, it was pounding. She breathed his scent in deeply: he smelled like parchment, candies and hormones... he smelled wonderfully good. One of his hands was still stroking her hair, and now and then she could feel his skin, made callous by too much Quidditch, either on her ear or on her neck, and each time his fingers met her skin it sent shivers all over her body, and it felt marvellous. She held him even tighter against her, and he did the same. Her hand moved across his shoulder, then his neck, and she ran her fingers through his dark hair. They were so smooth...She sighed, unable to think straight. She felt numb, as if she was intoxicated. She wasn"t aware of anything but Sirius"s body pressed against hers, and how marvellous he smelled, and how strong his arms were, and how... She opened her eyes. Suddenly she realized how fast her heart was beating, and how close she held him... She released him, and cleared her throat, hoping he wouldn"t notice her reddening cheeks.

"Thank you Sirius."

He smiled at her. He really was amazingly handsome... Her stomach did a very strange pirouette...

"My pleasure. Do you need anything? Do you want to go somewhere or..."

"No, I"m fine, thank you. You gave me good advice. I feel much better, and I reckon I should get ready for our next class. It"s enough with McGonagall trying to kill me, no use adding Slughorn to the list."

Sirius let out a laugh, which sounded just like a bark, and the very sound of it made her smile.

"Right, I"d better let you get ready then."

He opened the door, still smiling, and transformed back into a dog, before going down the stairs. She closed the door behind him, and let herself fall back on her bed. It had to be a joke. Of all the boys in this school, of all the boys in the Universe for Merlin"s sake, she had to fancy Sirius Black. Great, brilliant... She had a crush on one of her best friends. Really, things couldn"t get any worse...

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At the end of Transfiguration, James hurried after his girlfriend, calling to her through the corridor full of rushing students. He finally reached her, stopping her by holding her arm.

"What"s wrong with you?" he asked her.

Her cheeks turned red with fury, and if her glare could have killed, James would have died right on the spot.

"How can you ask me what"s wrong?" she cried, outraged.

Many students threw curious looks at them, and James dragged her into a calmer corridor.

"Why are avoiding me?" he asked her again.

"Well, I don"t know James. What was supposed to happen yesterday again?" she asked wryly, furious.

James winced, suddenly aware of his mistake. He ran a hand through his messy dark hair.

"I forgot to tell you I couldn"t go to Hogsmeade..."

"And I waited for you!"

He heaved a sigh. What kind of boyfriend would he be if he didn"t try to make amends? After all it was his fault. And even if he wasn"t happy at the idea of making the effort to make Shelley forgive him, he knew he had to. He had promised himself he would try to forget Lily, and to be with someone else. So he had to swallow his pride, and apologize... a lot.

"I"m so sorry Shelley."

"Where were you anyway?"

James"s mind was rushing. He had to think of a good excuse and quickly... quickly...

"I was with Sirius," he replied, not even really knowing where he was going with his lie.

"With Sirius?"

"Yes, I was with Sirius."

He finally had a brilliant idea...

"He was sick yesterday, so I stayed with him. I"m sorry, I forgot about our date."

She crossed her arms on her chest.

"That is quite a pathetic excuse!" she snapped.

"Shelley, I really was with Sirius. He was sick all day long, like really sick, and so I kept an eye on him. He was sick again this morning by the way, didn"t you notice him leaving McGonagall"s class?"

Shelley unfolded her arms.

"Yeah... he didn"t look very well this morning."

"Of course, he looked terrible! I was worried about him, and I just completely forgot it was the Hogsmeade trip yesterday. I"m sorry Shelley, I"ll make amends, I promise."

He moved slowly towards her, and she didn"t push him away when he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I"m sorry," he apologized again. "It"s all my fault, and I know it."

"You"d better find a good way of making me forgive you," she replied.

"I think I could find a rather good argument right now."

Her lips curved into a smile despite herself.

"Really?"

"Really."

He pressed her against him and kissed her feverishly. Shelley couldn"t deny that he had a point...

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Lily, Alice and Marlene hurried down the corridor in the dungeons when they saw Clara from afar.

"What happened?" Alice asked her bluntly.

They finally noticed Sirius leaning casually against the wall next to her.

"How are you feeling?" Marlene asked him.

"I"m fine. I feel better."

"What happened?" Lily asked again.

"Not now," Clara answered.

"But..." Marlene tried to insist.

The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs came out of their Potions lesson, and two blond boys stopped by. Liam kissed Lily on the lips.

"How are you today?" he asked her happily.

"Fine," the redhead answered.

"Can I see you later?"

"Sure!"

Simon was standing right in front of Clara, feeling ill-at-ease.

"We should talk," she told him. "Are you free at lunchtime?"

"Sure, I"ll meet you in the Entrance Hall."

"Okay."

He strode away, avoiding her friends" gazes.

"Have you come to a decision then?" Sirius asked her.

She turned her attention towards the Gryffindor boy. Her heart was beating faster as she looked at him...

"I think I have," she answered.

"And?"

"And... I guess I don"t fancy him. I guess I was wrong about him and me."

Sirius felt his heart explode with joy, and it was hard for him to control the grin on his face.

"I"m glad you realized it was a mistake. Before you could give him too much hope I mean."

"Yeah, I guess it"s for the best."

"It is. I"m sure it is."

She smiled at him. James and Shelley joined them, hand in hand.

"Are you alright?" James asked his friend. "You should have stayed in bed."

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"I"m fine Mum, it"s nothing."

"Well, it"s not nothing if you were sick all day yesterday and this morning," Shelley pointed out.

Sirius frowned, unable to understand what the girl was talking about, but when he caught James"s glance, all became clear.

"I feel better now. And I already spent my entire Sunday resting, I"m tired of my bed."

"You should be careful."

"I"m fine Shelley. And by the way, since when do you care about me?" Sirius joked.

"Since my boyfriend misses our date to Hogsmeade because you"re ill," she replied.

Their friends exchanged a look, they all had to remember this version of the story... In the distance, loud laughs could be heard coming their way through the cold corridor, and all the Gryffindors tensed when they recognised Bellatrix Black"s laugh. The moment they saw the group staring at them, the Slytherins stopped laughing, and they remained at a safe distance from the Gryffindor students.

"What"s wrong?" Frank asked the group when he noticed the particularly dark looks that his friends were throwing at the Slytherins.

"I"ll tell you later," Alice answered him vaguely.

"What is going on?" Shelley asked too.

Frank knew better than to insist before his friends" silence, but Shelley didn"t...

"James, what"s going on?" she asked again, getting angry.

He passed a hand over the small of her back to calm her down, answering absentmindedly.

"It"s nothing, it"s just a bit tense with the Slytherins these days."

"It"s much more than a "bit tense", look at all this enmity!"

"Drop it Shelley," James answered quite coldly, annoyed.

At the same moment, Slughorn finally let them in, and the girl strode into the room, fuming.

"I reckon you should talk to her," Lily advised James in a whisper as they entered the room themselves.

"I"ll deal with Shelley later," he answered. "If we all survive the class, that is."

They exchanged a worried look, before the ginger girl walked past him to reach her own seat. Luckily, through the whole class none of the Slytherins misbehaved. They glared at the Gryffindors, of course, but nothing bad happened. At least no harm came from the Slytherins, but what happened in Clara"s head was definitely harmful. She couldn"t listen to a thing through the whole lesson, and luckily the potion they had to brew was particularly easy, so her absentminded behaviour remained quite unnoticed. The only thing she could think about was Sirius. Or more precisely, the way she was feeling extremely strange emotions for him. A thousand times she remembered and analysed the way she had felt when he had held her close that morning, and a thousand times she arrived to the same conclusion. She fancied him. And the worst thing was that she was realising that her feelings were anything but new. They had been friends for a bit more than two months now, and she reckoned that she had been feeling this way since at least October, which meant half of the time they had been good friends. She focused hard on how she had felt when she was with him since the year had begun, and she finally realised when he had become more than a friend to her: since their conversation by the Lake, after Sirius had received the letter from his parents, when he had opened up to her, and confessed what had happened between him and his family. Yes, that was it, it was the moment when she had suddenly realised how much he had suffered during his childhood. It was when she had realised that he was more than a merry mischief maker, that in fact, he was probably the bravest person she had ever met, for enduring so much and still being himself. He had become more than a friend when she had seen who he really was. It made complete sense now. At least, it explained why she didn"t fancy Simon: she simply fancied someone else, that was all. It also could explain why she so liked to spend time with him, why she felt so happy when he was around. In his arms, she felt invincible, and she realised that she always felt this way when he was near her. It explained why she had missed him so much these past few days during which they were mad at each other. It explained why she had wanted so much to talk to him that morning, when she was feeling miserable... She sighed. It was a terrible idea though. Sirius couldn"t handle a real relationship, he had told her that himself. They didn"t want the same thing. They would break up after a while, for sure, and it would destroy their friendship, and she couldn"t bear the idea of it. Because, okay, she fancied him. Right. But he wasn"t just an impersonal crush like she could have had before. He wasn"t like Simon, with whom it was alright to give it a try anyway, even if it didn"t work out. She was physically attracted to Sirius, undoubtedly; she fancied him, that was for sure, but more than anything she held him dearly as a friend. She liked spending time with him, even if they weren"t snogging. She didn"t only like his good-looks, she liked his soul. She liked his joyful spirit, and his jokes, and his wry humour. She liked his bad-tempered moods, and his fragility, and his strength, and his devotion and loyalty towards his friends... No, she liked him too much as a person to take the risk of losing him as a friend. Anyway, if she told him how she felt, he would never feel the same. Clearly, she couldn"t be his type. Sure, she was quite smart, and she considered that she had a good sense of humour, and she wasn"t ugly or anything, but she was so... normal. The room didn"t shine when she came in, she wasn"t the most beautiful, nor the most talented, nor the cleverest... she was somewhere in the middle. In the highest strata of the middle, for sure, but she wasn"t shining. And Sirius liked girls because they were shining. He liked girls because they were pretty, and wore some make-up, and took care of themselves... and she wasn"t like that. She almost never cared about how she could look, and make-up, for her, was only for special occasions. No, he couldn"t feel attracted to her. He liked her as a friend, and nothing more, and things had to remain that way. She walked with the girls after class, heading for lunch. But she wasn"t listening to the conversation, she was looking at Sirius who was walking right in front of her, and her heart was beating faster than usual. She liked Sirius, but he could never know how she felt...

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Three things happened simultaneously when the Gryffindors entered the Entrance Hall. First Liam spotted them and hurried towards Lily, which made James look away to avoid having to witness Super-Tan snogging the woman he loved. At the same time, Simon spotted Clara through the crowd, and hurried towards her, and because she wanted to get rid of this awful situation as fast as possible she walked towards him as well. And finally, Stefani saw Sirius in the Hall. Because James had turned away from Super-Tan and Lily, he saw Shelley, and hurried after her, leaving the rest of the group behind, and Sirius found himself with nobody on his right. Because Clara was walking away from the group of friends as well, he soon didn"t have anyone on his left either, and because she was walking away, Sirius looked after her, doing his best to keep his eyes focused on those parts of her body it was decent to look at. And so when Stefani walked towards him through the crowd of starving students, extremely angry with Sirius for missing their date the day before, nobody saw her coming, and nobody prevented her from getting near Sirius. And that"s how, right there, in the Entrance Hall, Stefani punched Sirius extremely hard, right in his eye. The strength of her punch and the surprise of the boy made him fall onto Remus and Peter behind him. Everybody in the Hall froze, and all turned towards Sirius and the girl.

"You"re such a son of a b***h!" she cried through the hall.

She was glad of the sudden attention, and she was ready to teach him a lesson in front of the entire school.

"Are you mad?" he cried as well, still amazed by her act.

"Only upset!"

"Why?"

"We had a date yesterday, remember?"

He sighed, his hand still protecting his painful eye.

"To be honest, no, I didn"t remember."

"That"s amazing! I hope you have a better excuse than "I forgot"!"

He thought for a second, before remembering James"s lie.

"I have actually, I was sick yesterday."

"What?" she asked, taken aback.

"Sick. I was sick. S-I-C-K. Ill, if you prefer."

"You were sick?"

He sighed again, annoyed.

"Yes, I was sick. I"m sorry, I couldn"t make it to our date. What now? You"re going to reproach me that I didn"t come to throw up on you?"

The whole Hall chuckled.

"You could have told me!" she insisted.

"How? I told you, I was sick, I didn"t get out of bed at all. And the boys stayed with me all day. So actually, you see, I couldn"t have told you."

She searched for something clever to say, but nothing came to her mind.

"Well sorry, but I guess I should get this healed now," Sirius snapped, pointing at his yellowish eye.

He strode through the Hall, and hurried towards the Gryffindor Tower. Clara ran after him, and he stopped, leaning against the wall, waiting for her.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

"It"s just a punch, I"ve seen worse. Don"t worry."

"Let me take a look."

He uncovered his eye. It was now turning in a very strange shade of green, almost bluish.

"That looks bad," she said, wincing.

"I"ll go the Hospital Wing."

"No need. I can heal that for you if you want."

She took her wand and looked at him questioningly. He shrugged, nodding his head.

"Go on then."

"Close your eyes."

He did as she commanded, and she waved her wand before his wounded eye, softly whispering healing charms. It sounded like some kind of lullaby to him, and he felt so calm, listening to her whispering voice. Finally she stopped talking, and put her wand away again. She looked at him, still, his eyes closed, his lips looking so soft, it was like an invitation for her to kiss him. But she restrained herself, merely mumbling to him she was done. He opened his beautiful grey eyes again.

"Thanks Clara."

She smiled. They remained still for a while, both lost in each other"s eyes. He couldn"t look away from her magnetic green eyes, and she simply wanted to drown in his stormy gaze. Her lips slightly parted without her noticing, and Sirius felt the urge to kiss her rising inside his whole body. All his being was suddenly attracted by her perfect mouth. He wanted so much to taste her lips... He suddenly shook himself, coming back to his senses.

"I"m starving, I"d better get back to the Great Hall. Weren"t you supposed to tell Simon about your decision?"

She started, and blushed.

"Yeah, you"re right, I"d better go back too."

They hurried down the stairs in silence, and separated without a look at each other, both of them trying to control the butterflies in their stomachs and their racing hearts.

-------------------------------------------------

Clara found Simon waiting for her in the Entrance Hall, clearly annoyed by the interruption.

"Sorry "bout that," she apologised. "She had a really strong punch!"

"Have you come to a decision then?" he asked bluntly.

She took a deep breath, before diving in.

"Yes. I don"t really know how to say this, so I guess I"d better say it in the simplest manner."

She looked at him in the eyes.

"I don"t think it"s a good idea. Us being together I mean."

"I see," he answered, his cheeks reddening with anger.

"I"m sorry," she went on. "It"s not your fault, it"s just that... I don"t feel what I"m supposed to feel with you, and I don"t want to tell you yes and to hurt you more in the end. I want to be honest with you."

"I understand," Simon answered, his tone bitter.

"I"m sorry."

He made a move towards the Great Hall, but stopped, turning his attention back to the Gryffindor girl.

"There"s only one thing I"d like to know," he said.

"What is it?"

"Is it because of Black?"

She stayed still, her lips sealed.

"Is it because of Sirius Black that you"re saying no?" he asked again. "Did he tell you something against me again?"

She shook her head.

"No Simon, the decision is mine, and mine alone. Sirius has nothing to do with this, he didn"t tell me anything bad about you."

"Do you like him then?"

Again she remained frozen.

"Are you saying no because you fancy Sirius Black?"

She didn"t say anything, but her silence spoke for her. Simon laughed wryly.

"I can"t believe it! I was right all along."

"It"s not what you think, Simon."

"It is though! You fancy him. Does he know?"

"No! And he must never know!"

"Why?"

She sighed, putting a hand on her brow. She looked sad all of a sudden.

"Because he"s my friend, and I don"t want to lose his friendship. And we don"t want the same things... Besides, he"s not interested in me anyway, not like this at least. Please Simon, he can"t know."

She looked so desperate, that despite his wounded ego, he didn"t have the heart to betray her secret.

"I won"t tell anyone, don"t worry."

"Thank you."

She sighed deeply again.

"I don"t understand what all the girls see in him anyway," he said. "He"s such a jerk with girls... Okay, I can"t deny he is good-looking, he"s a Quidditch player and all the bullshit, but he"s not kind to you all."

She shook his head.

"He"s not like that with me. He sees me as a friend, and treats me as such. And you"re wrong you know, I don"t fancy him for the reasons you"ve just said."

"Why then?"

"Because of the person he really is, when he thinks no one is watching."

He narrowed his eyes, but she said nothing more, and hurried towards the Great Hall again. She sat next to her friends, and explained what had just happened with Simon. In a corner, James and Shelley were arguing.

"I hope those two will be fine," said Marlene.

"I"m sure James will find a plausible excuse," said Sirius.

"We should tell Shelley," Lily said bluntly.

"Tell her what?" asked Remus.

"The truth," the redhead answered. "That you were helping us with the Slytherins, and that"s why he missed their date, and that"s also why it"s so tense between us and those pricks."

"We can"t Lils," Sirius replied. "Shelley can"t know about our... secrets."

"I feel so awful, after all they"re arguing because of us!" she said.

"No, it"s not your fault. And anyway, we can"t tell her," Sirius replied.

"But..."

"I don"t trust her Lils, at least not enough to tell her secrets that could cost Remus his place in Hogwarts, and earn to the rest of us a one-way ticket to Azkaban!"

She sighed, defeated.

"You"re right of course."

"Don"t worry about him," Remus reassured her. "James can handle it."

The boy came back and sat with his friends, sighing heavily.

"I hate girls," he stated.

"Didn"t go well?" Clara asked.

James shrugged.

"She said she needed to think. Which is never a good sign, I"m afraid."

"I"m sure she"ll come to her senses," Lily reassured him.

But James wasn"t upset, and he didn"t need to be reassured. He didn"t love her after all.

"I"m fine Lils, thank you. I"ll give her some time to think, and we"ll see what happens."

Sirius patted his shoulder.

"Don"t worry mate," he said. "We still have operation HGP!"

They all burst into laughter.

"Yes Pads, thanks," James said.

Marlene frowned, not yet aware of the Marauder"s nicknames. Clara and Lily quickly updated her on the subject.

"By the way," Clara said, "now that we know your nicknames, does that mean that we can use them too?"

The boys laughed.

"Feel free to use them," Sirius answered.

"Only, don"t call us that when we"re with other people," said Remus.

"Not even the Quidditch team," James said.

"Alright, I won"t."

She looked at Sirius mischievously.

"Could you pass me some pumpkin juice, Padfoot?"

She giggled, and he joined her while pouring her some juice. He looked at James, faking despair.

"Mate, I"m afraid we made a mistake letting the girls use our nicknames."

James laughed.

"You"re the one who said yes, Pads."

"Thank you for reminding me."

Clara laughed again, and the sound of her laughter seemed to warm his whole body. He sighed. Things were so complicated...