Because We Are Made Of Dreams

Dealing With Feelings (II)

November brought the cold. The leaves had fallen, leaving the trees bare and vulnerable. A freezing breeze was making the branches above her head sway gently. Clara was lying down in the cold grass, drawing the branches and the sky above her. She needed to clear her mind, and her best way to do so was to draw. She had to stop thinking about all her feelings for Sirius, and how she could hide them from the boy, and... A branch cracked behind her, making her start.

"Sorry, didn"t mean to scare you," Sirius apologized.

"It"s alright."

She sat up again. She had come here, by the Lake, to be alone, and mostly to try to forget Sirius for a moment, but of course the boy had to find her. Typical...

"What"s up?" she asked him.

"I was worried about you," he answered. "I didn"t know where you were."

She narrowed her eyes.

"And?"

"And... I don"t really trust the Slytherins these days. None of us should be on their own."

She nodded slowly.

"Okay."

"What were you doing?" he asked more lightly. "It"s so freaking cold out here!"

"I was drawing."

"I should have known."

He sat down next to her.

"May I?" he asked her.

She showed him her drawing, and he smiled.

"It"s beautiful."

"Thanks."

They remained silent for a while, before Clara looked intensely at him.

"Sirius, can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he answered.

"Do you remember last week, when we went to the Hospital Wing to see Remus?"

"Sure. What about it?"

"How did you hurt yourself?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, and so she went on.

"You said it was because of a girl. Was it Stefani?"

Sirius sighed.

"Why are you talking about this again?"

"Because it doesn"t seem plausible you could have hurt yourself so much by..."

She swallowed back the lump in her throat.

"...snogging her," she finished.

Sirius sighed again. He wanted to tell her the truth, he hated having a secret, he hated lying to her. He wanted her to know every secret of his soul.

"It wasn"t a girl," he said. "It was Remus."

Clara nodded.

"I had kind of guessed," she told him.

"He has really sharp teeth when he"s a wolf."

He looked at the green grass. In the distance, they could see the Whomping Willow rocking back and forth with the breeze.

"I couldn"t tell you, you didn"t know we were Animagi."

"I understand," she said.

"I"m sorry I lied to you."

"You had a rather good reason to do so."

"I hate lying to you."

"Good! "Cause you don"t need to."

They smiled, and Sirius took from his bag some Bertie Bott"s Beans and his Daily Prophet, along with a quill and some ink. He looked at her.

"Mind giving me a hand?"

She smiled, getting closer to him to read the crossword clues. Things would get back to normal, eventually. She would get used to her feelings for him. And in the meantime, she couldn"t stay away from him. She missed him too much when he was away. He was her friend after all, and she needed his presence, she needed him by her side.

"I missed doing crosswords with you when we were mad at each other," she admitted.

He smiled.

"I missed it too," he said.

It was not long before their laughs echoed far across the grass, carried by the cold breeze of November.

-------------------------------------------------------

Lily took one more look at the clock. It was past midnight. She sighed heavily, trying to focus on her Transfiguration book. This essay was really too complicated. She turned around when she heard the boys" staircase creaking under someone"s weight. James soon appeared, his glasses still lopsided, his hair messier than ever. He had quickly put on his black trousers and his white shirt, which he had left half open in his hurry. He raised an eyebrow when he caught sight of Lily, sitting on the ground by the fire.

"Are you okay?" he asked her, his voice still hoarse with sleep.

"Yeah, I"m working," she answered. "What are you doing?"

"Don"t tell me you"re doing your Transfiguration essay..." he said, ignoring her question.

"I am actually," she replied. "It"s a tough one."

James yawned loudly.

"Look, we have Transfiguration tomorrow afternoon, I"ll give you a hand at noon, okay?" he told her. "Now go to sleep, it"s not a decent hour to work."

"I"m not sleepy," she replied.

"Stop working anyway, you"re killing yourself."

He took her book and her essay away from her before she could react.

"Confiscated!" he said when she opened her mouth to protest. "You need to rest. You"ll have it back tomorrow at noon."

"Potter, give it back!" she said, throwing her prefect glare at him.

"Hmm... Using my last name is not really the most effective technique, you know..."

She got up, and approached him slowly. When she stopped, they were terribly close. James thought his heart was going to explode.

"James," she said in a low voice, "please give it back."

Without even noticing, he gave her back her parchment and her book. She grinned.

"Thank you."

She went back near the hearth, and James"s heart slowed down again. She really could make him do anything...

"You still should rest," he advised her again, finding his voice.

"I told you, I"m not sleepy," she replied.

She looked at him again, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"Where were you going anyway?" she asked him.

"Kitchens, I"m starving," he answered honestly. "Do you want to come with me? At least you won"t be working."

She smiled, she couldn"t deny that she was a bit hungry herself. And if James was helping her with her essay the next day, she could give herself a break.

"Okay!"

She followed him out of the Common Room, and into the corridor. The lights of the torches were shedding a weak golden light on the stone floor. Silence covered the stairs, and only their footsteps echoed in the darkness of the night. They soon arrived at the Kitchens, and James knocked on the door. Ollie opened it quickly, and her whole face shone when she recognised the two Gryffindors.

"Hi Ollie! Sorry, we know it"s late, but we"re starving. You wouldn"t have some of your wonderful chocolate cake left, would you?" James asked the house-elf kindly.

"Of course Ollie has some chocolate, wait a minute Mr. Potter, Ollie will get you some."

The little creature wandered through the kitchen, humming softly.

"Ollie," James called to her again, "I was wondering, have you gone to the Slytherin Common Room lately?"

Lily looked at him, narrowing her eyes. What was he up to again?

"Yes Mr. Potter, Ollie has been in the Slytherin Common Room yesterday to help her friend cleaning. Why does Mr. Potter ask?"

"Have you noticed anything strange? Like letters or, strange books, I don"t know... anything out of ordinary?"

The elf seemed to be thinking for a few seconds, before shaking her head.

"No Mr. Potter. Ollie has not seen anything unusual."

"Alright, thank you Ollie."

"Does Mr. Potter think the Slytherin students are planning something bad against him and his friends again?" she asked, handing the two Gryffindors their cake, a worried expression clouding her big blue eyes.

"No Ollie, I was just asking. Don"t be worried, we"re alright."

"If Mr. Potter needs help, Ollie will be glad to help him!"

"Thank you Ollie, you"ve already helped," he told her, smiling kindly at her.

"Thank you very much for the cake, Ollie," Lily told her.

Ollie smiled brightly.

"Come back whenever you need Ollie"s help!"

"We will Ollie, thank you," said James.

Lily and he left the kitchens, and sat in a deserted corridor, under an alcove. Lily remembered the place, it was the same alcove James had guided her to a few weeks before when they had talked about the Slytherins.

"What was that all about?" she asked him the second they had sat down.

"I"m cautious with the Slytherins, that"s all," he replied.

"Is that how you get all your information on them?"

Her voice was calm, and no animosity changed her melodious voice. She wasn"t angry, merely curious.

"Sometimes I ask Ollie for a tip or two. She"s got a heart of gold, and she likes me," he answered, winking.

Lily laughed.

"Is that how you guys knew about Hogsmeade?" she asked him, swallowing a mouthful of chocolate cake.

"No, Sirius overheard the whole gang talking about it while he was taking a walk in the Castle, after Clara had refused to talk to him."

Lily looked at him intensely, worry making her frown.

"He likes her, doesn"t he?" she asked bluntly.

"What?" James asked, faking not understanding.

"Sirius," she repeated, "he likes Clara, doesn"t he?"

James sighed.

"That"s what I thought," Lily said, sighing too.

A weary expression covered her face, as if a weight had been added upon her shoulders for her to carry.

"Did he talk to you about it?" she asked him.

"Nope. It"s Sirius after all, when he has something that worries him, he never tells anyone. But you shouldn"t worry too much about that," the boy added.

"What do you mean?"

"Sirius cares too much about her to try anything I reckon. He knows he can"t have a real relationship right now, and he also knows she deserves to have a real boyfriend. I don"t think he"s going to try anything. I think he"s just trying to wait until his feelings wane."

"I don"t know what to think about it," Lily admitted.

"Only time will tell I guess," James merely answered.

"What about Shelley?"

James shrugged.

"She needs some time apparently."

"Do you want me to go talk to her?" the redhead asked kindly.

"Thanks, but I"m fine. She"ll come around, eventually."

He didn"t seem as upset as he was supposed to be. But then it was James Potter, maybe he was simply hiding his feelings in front of her, or maybe he simply didn"t care, hard to tell.

"You should talk to her. Don"t give her too much time," she advised him.

"Sure, I"ll do that."

He seemed quite annoyed by the subject. He reckoned it was time to turn the conversation in a different course.

"What do you miss the most about the Muggle world?" he asked her, his mouth full of cake.

"Movies," she answered. "I love movies, but no one in the Wizarding World knows anything about cinema. Except for Clara of course, and Remus, "cause their mums are Muggles."

"It"s the moving pictures that tell stories, right?"

"That"s it."

"I have to admit I"ve never seen a single one."

She sighed.

"You should go watch movies, it"s great. You have to watch Casablanca, it"s like the best film ever. I love The Shop Around The Corner too, it"s so amazing! And Singin" in the Rain. You have to watch some movies of the 30s, 40s or..."

James laughed.

"Sounds like a lot of them!"

She giggled too.

"Well, I love movies, what can I say?"

They laughed, before James spoke again.

"It must be hard, to come into a world like this, when all your life you have thought you were somebody else."

"Severus lived near my house, we already knew each other before we went to Hogwarts. He explained some things to me, so I guess I was a bit prepared. But still it"s hard, even now sometimes, when I don"t understand a reference or something like that, I feel a bit stupid."

"What kind of references? You"re the smartest person I know, and you and Remus read so many books you probably know more things about Wizards and Magic than me!"

"Things you learn when you"re little. I"ve never read the Tales of Beedle the Bard for example."

"You"ve NEVER read them? Merlin..."

"See, that"s what I"m talking about."

He was scared he had hurt her somehow, he was so clumsy sometimes.

"No, I didn"t mean that, I..."

But she laughed.

"I"m not upset James, that"s fine."

"Why didn"t you try to read them afterwards, once you were at school?"

"They don"t have a copy at the Library, and I don"t know, I"ve always missed the opportunity I guess. The girls told me the stories, but it"s not the same. And when I tell someone about Cinderella, no one understands."

"I have to admit, I don"t understand. You should read the Tales though, it"s great."

"I have to find myself a copy I guess."

"You should."

James ran a hand through his already messy hair. For a long time she had found this habit extremely annoying, but now she didn"t really mind. She liked it even, it was the kind of little gesture he did, it was part of the whole James Potter package. As he moved his arm, he revealed a part of his chest. The fire of the torches bathed his strong torso in a golden shade, accentuating the muscles that his partly-unbuttoned shirt made visible. She looked down at her cake, blushing slightly, and shoved the rest of the chocolate into her mouth. She put the plate on the floor, still unable to look at James. It was hard for her to swallow, and she didn"t know why. It was as if her stomach refused food all of a sudden.

"Lils, you"ve got some chocolate there," James told her, pointing at the corner of her mouth.

She passed a hand over her lips, but the trace of chocolate remained.

"Still have it," and he indicated where.

She brushed her mouth once more, missing the chocolate again.

"Wait..."

He got closer to her, and moved his hand towards her mouth. When his fingertips touched her skin, electricity ran through their bodies, making them shiver.

"Sorry," James said.

"It"s okay," she smiled reassuringly.

James moved his fingers towards her mouth again. He let his fingertips wander a bit further than necessary on her lower lip, before sweeping the chocolate away from her so smooth lips. Inside his chest, his heart was pounding.

"Thanks," she said when he got further away again.

"You"re welcome."

There was a strange silence for a few seconds, before James cleared his voice.

"Let"s go to bed, what do you think?"

"Yeah, good idea."

They got up, and climbed the stairs up to the Tower again, laughing and joking along the way.

"Good night Lils," James told her when they were back at the Common Room.

She smiled at him. Her smile was even brighter than the sun...

"Thank you for taking me away from my Transfiguration essay."

"Anytime."

A mischievous smile curved up his lips.

"By the way, it"s the second time you"ve snuck out after curfew with me to have a snack. Careful now, or soon you"ll be breaking the rules like me!"

They laughed.

"No way," she answered. "Though you are definitely having a bad influence on me."

"Me? Having a bad influence on a prefect? Impossible!"

They laughed again. She took a step closer to him, still smiling, and kissed his cheek, resting a hand on his shirt. Her thumb found its way to his chest, and James felt shivers running down his spine as her finger touched his skin. Her lips were so soft, and delicate, and warm against his cheek... She pulled away again.

"Good night James," she smiled.

And she climbed up the girls" staircase, leaving the boy standing still, in the Common Room. Behind him, the fire was slowly dying out, and there was almost no light left. He finally shook himself, and hurried upstairs. Both a kiss on his cheek and the feeling of her fingertip on his torso, it was too much for him. He needed a cold, very, VERY cold shower, and he needed it now.

---------------------------------------------

James finally spotted Shelley and Salma in the Library, the two girls working hard on their DADA essay. Lily had threatened to give him detention if he didn"t go talk with his girlfriend, and her prefect glare warned him she was actually not joking. So there he was, in the Library, sighing heavily before striding towards his girlfriend.

"Shelley, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked her.

Her friend literally jumped out of her seat before Shelley could use her as an excuse, and disappeared with a smile further into the Library. James sat down.

"What do you want?" she asked him, already annoyed.

"Besides peace in the world and a huge chocolate cake, you mean?" he joked.

She glared at him.

"To understand why you"re mad at me would be a good beginning," he said more seriously.

She sighed.

"First, you didn"t come on our date."

"Because I was with Sirius, who was throwing up most of the day. That was such a great time!" he said wryly.

"And you keep secrets."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Do I?"

"Yes James, you do keep secrets. You often don"t want to tell me when something bothers you, and you act so distant sometimes. Most of the time actually."

He bit his tongue, not knowing how he could answer. He couldn"t tell her he acted distant because he kept wishing she was Lily, because every time they were alone he was conscious that he would have given anything for Lily to give him a chance. And he couldn"t say either that he indeed kept secrets from her because he didn"t trust her enough to tell her the truth. He finally cleared his voice.

"Alright. Concerning the first reason, I don"t tell you simply because you can"t help me, and there"s no need to bother you with what is troubling me."

"Of course there is! I"m your girlfriend, you"re supposed to tell me when something is wrong."

"There"s no point Shelley, you can"t help."

"I could at least try to help!"

He took off his glasses and buried his face in his hands.

"No, you can"t."

"Why?"

"Because..."

He ran a hand through his hair.

"Because Shelley, I don"t want you to be caught in the whole Slytherin-Gryffindor enmity. And because it doesn"t only concern me, and I can"t tell you someone else"s secrets. You don"t know what"s been going on for years between us and the Slytherins, and you wouldn"t understand."

"I"m not stupid."

"I know, still you can"t understand why I"m so worried about what they could do."

He put his glasses on again.

"Now the second problem... I don"t really know what to say."

"I don"t know, you feel so distant sometimes James, as if something was holding you back."

Or rather someone... But he didn"t say that, and shook his head instead.

"I"ll try to spend more time with you. Would that be okay?"

"Even when you"re with me, you"re far away."

She shook her head.

"There"s just too much mystery about everything!"

"Alright, you know what ?... I"ll give you one question. Only one, and I"ll answer. Whatever you may ask, I"ll answer... honestly, of course."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever I may ask?"

"Yep."

"Give me a minute to choose a good one then."

"Take your time."

But he didn"t have to wait for long.

"Are you acting distant, and refusing to tell me things, because you"re seeing someone else?"

James closed his eyes. Finally, the whole point was coming out of the shadows... He opened his eyes again, and locked his gaze upon hers to answer.

"No, I"m not seeing anyone else. I"m simply worried about the Slytherins. I"m afraid they could hurt one of my friends, that"s all."

He took her hand in his, leaning over the table to get closer to her.

"I don"t have a secret girlfriend, Shelley. Which means that I"m not thinking about a secret girlfriend when I"m with you. Unless you"re suggesting Avery could be my secret girlfriend, but that would be the most disgusting picture I could imagine of myself."

She couldn"t help but giggle, before sighing.

"I was afraid you had someone else," she confessed.

"I don"t have anyone else. I"m not cheating on you, and I won"t cheat on you. You can say lots of things about me, but I"m not a complete prick, okay?"

She smiled, feeling better already.

"Alright. I guess it"s enough for now."

"So... are you still mad at me?"

"No," she answered

"Good."

He stood up, and kissed her brow.

"I"ll let you finish your essay."

"Have you finished yours?" she asked him as he was walking away.

"I haven"t even started yet," he answered, walking backwards to look at her.

"We"re supposed to do it for this afternoon."

James winked.

"I have plenty of time still then."

And he left Shelley chuckling in the Library before striding towards Gryffindor Tower. He found Lily working hard in front of the hearth. She was biting her quill, lost in thought, and he couldn"t control a smile while his heart sped up in his chest. She was really too lovely...

"Don"t tell me you"re still working on your Transfiguration essay," he told her.

She looked up at him.

"Well, I"m still not finished, since you interrupted me yesterday evening."

He sat down on the ground next to her.

"How did it go with Shelley?" she asked him, an excited smile badly hidden on her face.

"Good. We"re back together."

"That"s great! What was wrong after all?"

"She doubted my loyalty apparently."

"Oh... that explains things."

"But a little discussion settled things down and her doubts belong to the past."

"I"m happy for you. You deserve to be happy James. You"re a kind person."

Somehow, her words hurt him, and he felt the familiar pain in his chest coming back. He couldn"t be happy without her, he knew it now. Operation HGP wasn"t working at all. He still wanted Lily above all things on this earth, but she was as out of reach as a flickering dream.

"What"s wrong?" she asked him when she saw his eyes clouded with sadness.

"It"s just that I was thinking..." he said slowly, his glance lost on the fire in the hearth before him, his voice low and barely louder than a whisper. "Maybe I have too many dreams. And maybe I"ve lived thinking that they could come true for too long, to be happy in the end."

He seemed so sad, and vulnerable all of a sudden, that Lily felt like she was going to cry. James was always so strong, like nothing would stop him, like nothing could hurt him, and suddenly he was showing her a little crack in his armour. She wanted so much to cradle him, and tell him things would be okay... but she didn"t wrap her arms around him like she wanted to, she answered him in a reassuring voice instead.

"You know, Muggle scientists have found out something quite amazing. Actually, all the atoms and particles... the little bricks that are used to build us if you prefer, they almost all come from the stars."

He looked at her, frowning slightly.

"At one point, all the atoms around us and inside of us were produced by a star. Either the sun, or a star that died long ago, and exploded, sending its particles in all directions throughout the Universe. Which means that we all have a bit of a star inside of us. Maybe that"s why we all have so many hopes... Because we are made of dreams."

James was too upset to speak, his eyes were shining with withheld tears. She took his hand in hers.

"You shouldn"t stop dreaming James. If there is one person on this planet stubborn enough to make his dreams come true, it"s you."

He smiled weakly, his gaze lost in her green eyes. They sat there, holding hands, still, for a long time, and Lily"s essay remained unfinished, waiting on the ground before the warmth of the gentle fire.