Because We Are Made Of Dreams

Brothers

Marlene and Clara were just finishing their butterbeers. Alice and Lily were both with their respective boyfriends, and so the two Gryffindors had decided to spend the afternoon together, catching up on each other"s news. The conversation had finally settled on Quidditch and the horribly intense training.

"I reckon he"s trying to kill us," stated Marlene.

"No, James only wants to destroy our bodies, not kill us entirely," answered Clara.

"He"s also working on our psychological sanity Clara."

"You may be right..."

"I am."

"You can"t deny he"s good though."

"True. But Merlin Clara, he"s making us work too hard!"

"Maybe, but I"m sure that when we are on the pitch for our first match, terrified, we will be grateful that he has pushed us to the edge in training."

"You"re bloody right Clara!"

The two girls turned to their left, as Sirius sat on the chair next to Clara.

"Of course Sirius, you may sit at our table with us," said Clara wryly. "Thank you so much for having the delicacy to ask us if our conversation was private or not."

"Thank you, and you"re welcome," smiled the boy.

He took off his jacket and ordered a butterbeer.

"I thought you had a date," asked Marlene.

"I had," Sirius answered with a sigh, leaning back in his chair.

He started to rock his chair back and forth casually. Clara rolled her eyes. Merlin, this habit was so annoying...

"What happened?" she merely asked him.

Asking him to stop was a lost cause, and she knew it.

"Well nothing. Nothing at all. She wanted a bloody date. I mean a real date! Can you imagine? Me on a real date? No, thank you. I"m not drinking tea at Madam Puddifoot"s tea shop, I"m not waiting an entire hour just to buy a bloody box of chocolates, I"m not walking through Hogsmeade as if I were a tourist and I"m definitely NOT spending a part of the afternoon with her idiotic friends. No!"

"So what did you do?"

"I did the only thing I could have done: I ran away as fast as I could."

Clara rolled her eyes.

"Sirius really, sometimes, I hate you. Can you imagine how she must feel?"

"Can you imagine how I feel? I"m like a convict that has barely escaped the dementor"s kiss."

"Now you"re going too far. The poor girl was only expecting what any girl expects when she goes on a date with a boy."

"But Clara, everyone in this school knows that I hate those kinds of things... Why did she think that suddenly I would do everything I hate?"

"Because she thought you liked her," answered Marlene.

"Well, she"s gorgeous, but definitely not enough to be worth an afternoon of torture."

"You"re horrible sometimes!" Clara exploded. "Don"t you have an ounce of sympathy and comprehension? You"re really horrible with girls! And you"ve been horrible with her. You should go and apologize!"

"No, I"m not," Sirius laughed, looking at her as if she was insane.

But she wasn"t joking, and she got up, furious, and strode out of the Three Broomsticks, Sirius calling after her.

"Oh come on Clara! Don"t go! No, wait a minute..."

He finally caught up with her and grabbed her arm, stopping her and making her look at him. Her cheeks were on fire and her jaws were set, she really was mad at him...

"Sirius, let go of me!"

"No," the boy answered calmly, the ghost of a smile curving up the corner of his lips.

"Why?"

"Because you"ll walk away as soon as I"ll let go."

"I will indeed!"

"I know, that"s why I"m not letting go!"

Clara sighed, furious. She glowered at Sirius.

"You really are the most annoying person on this planet Sirius Black!"

"Thank you, I"ll take it as a compliment," he answered, still half-smiling.

"It wasn"t one!"

"Ouch, it hurts then."

"Don"t be such an infant."

"I"m not an infant, and you really are hurting my feelings a lot," he replied dramatically. "Who could have guessed there was so much cruelty inside of you?"

"I"m serious, I"m mad at you. You pissed me off, can"t you see that?"

She had no patience left, and she had started to raise her voice. Sirius"s smile disappeared slowly from his lips.

"I can see it indeed, but I can"t understand how I did it."

"Oh really? Well, start with the fact that you have no manners, and add that you"re heartless!"

"You"re going a bit far..." the boy replied, glowering too now.

"No, I"m not. All these girls you treat as if they were barely humans... You don"t care if you hurt them, you don"t care about how they feel. And that"s cruel and selfish of you! You should feel ashamed!"

Sirius flinched at the word, and she couldn"t understand why, but when he looked at her again, he was deadly serious.

"That"s how you feel? You"re ashamed I"m your friend?"

"I"m ashamed of the way you act with girls, as if they were meat waiting to be put on the grill!"

"So be it then!"

He let go of her, fuming, and strode towards the Castle. It took him half of the journey to the Castle to finally calm down. He had gone too far, and he was feeling guilty now. She didn"t mean this, she just meant he was kind of a jerk with girls, and he could hardly defend himself on that. But she had hurt him, even if she had not been conscious of the impact of her words upon him. Of course she couldn"t know he was thinking about his parents right now, nor that he could almost hear the voice of his mother and feel the strength of his father"s grip around his neck, both of them shouting what a shame he was. He took several deep breaths, calming down. She had not meant that, it wasn"t her fault, and now he had to calm down...

"Well Black, what are you gonna do without your gang?"

Sirius looked up at the sound of his name, but no one was talking to him. On the road, ahead of him, five Gryffindors, probably in their fourth year, were surrounding a Slytherin with very dark hair. Sirius recognised his brother instantly. The boy clearly seemed to be in trouble. A blond Gryffindor, probably the chief, was facing Regulus, talking cockily to him.

"Ah, you"re not laughing anymore, now that your older friends aren"t here, hey? How surprising!"

The Gryffindors laughed. Sirius realised the wand the blond boy was holding tightly in his left hand was his brother"s. He was powerless, which explained why his younger brother was remaining silent, merely glowering at the boys. Sirius looked around him, but there was no one else on the road. No one would help his little brother, and without his wand, he couldn"t defend himself either.

"So what should we do with him boys?" asked the leader to his friends.

"Nothing."

The fourth-years all turned towards Sirius. His hands were buried into his pockets, but in reality, he was tightly holding his wand.

"Let him go," Sirius ordered coldly to the Gryffindors.

"Why should we?" the leader answered.

Sirius took a step closer to him, threat oozing from his stern voice.

"Because you know perfectly who I am, and I"m sure you don"t want me to be your enemy, do you?"

The blond boy swallowed loudly. The Marauders could turn his life in the Castle into a nightmare. As he was glancing at his friends, he noticed that they had already all taken a few wary steps back. He didn"t really have a choice...

"No, I don"t," he answered.

"You"d better give him back his wand, and let him go safely then."

The Gryffindor boy gave Sirius his brother"s wand, not trusting the Slytherin. He looked up at him again.

"We had a good reason to do this..."

"I have no doubt you had, but you will still have me to deal with if you want to carry out your plan, and I"m not sure you will like it."

The Gryffindors backed off, throwing nasty glances towards Sirius, but wisely judging that Regulus was not Worth having troubles with his older brother.

"Thank you," Regulus told his brother as Sirius was handing him his wand.

"You"re welcome."

It was the first kind words the two brothers were exchanging since the summer holidays.

"What did you do?" asked Sirius.

"It"s none of your business."

"Well, considering the fact that I"ve just got you out of trouble, perhaps you could at least answer my question."

Regulus sighed, answering reluctantly.

"The blond guy, he"s a Mudbood and..."

"I think I"ve heard enough," the Gryffindor interrupted.

Sirius strode away towards the Castle, Regulus at his heels.

"What"s wrong?" Regulus asked his older brother.

"What"s wrong? Really? Do I have to tell you what"s wrong?" Sirius scolded, and he stopped walking in the middle of the road.

"You don"t have to go against father and mother anymore, you don"t have to act like this..."

"I"ve never acted like this because I wanted to make them mad at me. I"ve always acted like this because what they believe in is utter bullshit!"

"You"re really denying everything our family believes in? What all Blacks have believed in for generations?" the Slytherin asked him, his eyes wide, unable to believe what he was hearing.

"That"s the point Reg," Sirius answered, staring at his brother"s eyes, "nothing has changed for generations. And it"s time it does. I"m not gonna let them dictate how I live my life, nor what I should believe in."

Sirius sighed heavily, trying to calm down.

"I don"t want to fight with you now Reg, I"m too tired for this. Just stay out of trouble, right?"

"Right. Thank you again."

Sirius headed towards the Castle and went straight back to the boys" dormitories. He was knackered, and had no strength for dealing with any more problems. He knocked off his shoes, threw his tie upon his trunk and let himself fall upon his bed, his eyes closed. This was really an awful day...

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James was starting to feel this as miserable as Sirius. Sure Shelley was great. She was gorgeous, and funny, and interesting enough, but from the corner of his eyes he could see Lily and Liam at another table, and this was not good at all...

"So, how is Quidditch, are you getting ready for your first match?" Shelley asked him.

He tried to focus on his date, and only on his date, not on the fact that Liam had just closed his hand upon Lily"s.

"Yep. We have a good team this year, I"m sure we"re gonna win."

"You took quite a lot of girls. And as Beater?"

"Clara"s stronger than she seems to be, don"t worry. Both her and Marlene will be alright."

"Well you"re the professional, I guess I should trust your judgement on this."

"You should indeed."

Liam was getting closer, and Lily was blushing...

"Do you want to go for a walk?" he asked Shelley.

He had to get out of there, before Lily and Liam started to... he couldn"t even manage to form the word in his head. He was pathetic really.

"I haven"t finished my tea yet."

It took all his self-control not to tell her to hurry up. He was being an i***t, and he knew it, and it was making him feel even more angry and uncomfortable.

"What time is it?" Shelley asked him.

He cleared his throat, taking a look at his watch.

"Almost five o"clock."

"Oh Merlin! I"m so late already!"

"You had this thing with your friend, sorry, I forgot."

"It"s okay. I forgot too."

He paid for their two teas and they walked out from Madam Puddifoot"s Teashop, to James"s great relief.

"I"ve spent a lovely time with you James," Shelley said shyly as they stopped in the street.

"Me too," the boy answered.

Liam and Lily came out of the Teashop too. This had to be a bloody joke...

"I hope we can do it again," she continued.

"Of course."

Liam kissed his girlfriend lightly on the lips, and walked away, heading towards the Three Broomsticks. She was smiling, her cheeks still red. She looked up, and James knew she was looking at them, so he took Shelley"s face in his hands, and kissed her on the lips. She froze, before responding quickly and passionately. She was a very good kisser, he couldn"t deny it, but he wasn"t feeling... anything. A look in Lily"s direction was making his stomach do flip-flops, his heart was beating so fast it could probably escape his ribs, and now he was kissing another girl, but as with every girl he had kissed before he wasn"t feeling what he knew he could feel. He enjoyed the kiss, but he wanted more, and he knew Shelley couldn"t give it to him. The problem was, the only person who could make him feel how he longed to feel was Lily, the girl with whom he had no chance. And so he kept kissing Shelley, hoping that maybe he could forget Lily for a while, but it didn"t work. He pulled away and rested his forehead against hers.

"Sorry..." he started.

"Don"t be. I"ve been dying for it all afternoon."

Shelley was grinning. She was happy to be with him, she wanted him. Maybe Sirius was right, maybe if he tried to be with someone who wanted him badly, he would want her too after a while, and forget his broken heart. He had to try at least, it was his only chance.

"I"ll see you tomorrow, okay?" he told her, holding her hands in his.

"Sure!"

She walked away grinning. He stood still for a while, lost in his own thoughts.

"I"m glad for you."

He jumped, and turned towards Lily. She was smiling at him, amused.

"Did I really startle the great James Potter?"

Merlin, that smile...

"Barely, really."

"I was heading back to the Castle. You want to walk there with me?"

"Sure."

They walked in silence side by side for a while, before Lily spoke again.

"So, I guess your date was good."

"It was indeed. She"s great."

"So... Are you two together? Is it official?"

James rolled his eyes, amused nonetheless.

"Please, no gossip Evans."

"I"m not the one who"s gossiping, she is. You can be sure that before dinner tonight, the whole school will know you kissed her."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Merlin, I hate this."

She propped up an eyebrow.

"I thought you would feel honoured by so much talk about your kissing skills."

"Well, you"re wrong. I don"t care about these things really."

She felt it was time to change the subject. He knew he was supposed to ask her about her date too, but he couldn"t. Listening to her talking about how great her boyfriend was and how wonderful her afternoon had been was really the last thing he needed, so he waited for her to speak again.

"Potter, you"ve changed," she said bluntly.

"Have I?" he answered, surprised. "Only in good ways of course."

She smiled.

"I think so."

"Or maybe I"ve always been so bloody perfect, but you"ve just failed to notice."

"I don"t think so!" she laughed.

Her laugh was so beautiful... She suddenly stopped, they had almost reached the Castle, but she needed to finish this conversation.

"I"m being serious actually. You have changed, in good ways. And I"m glad you have. I"m glad you didn"t ask me out, nor did anything too stupid so far."

"I"m maturing I guess," he answered in a half-smile.

"It suits you quite well to do so."

He smiled. He couldn"t remember her telling him anything kinder than this.

"Well, thank you."

"I"d really appreciate it if it could stay that way. I mean, with you and I talking to each other without you shouting at me to be your girlfriend in front of the entire Great Hall."

"I"ve never shouted at you!"

"Yes, you have."

"I may have spoken a bit loudly once or twice, that"s true..."

"You shouted Potter."

"Alright, I"m sorry."

"It"s okay."

She looked at him, but his gaze was fixed upon his shoes.

"Could you stop doing this?" she added after a brief pause. "For real I mean? Could you continue to be more like who you are now?"

He looked right into her green eyes. Her eyes were so deep and pure, her green irises reminding him the leaves bathed in sunshine in spring and the cool grass swaying with the wind. She had an entire world hidden under her eyelids, that she would reveal only to a few, and he felt lucky to witness their gentle beauty, though he knew he would never own these eyes, and he knew she would never look at him the way she looked at Liam.

"You"re not single anymore Evans. I may be childish, and cocky sometimes, and I"m sure you"ll be the first to say I"m just a prat, but I"m not a bastard. I won"t try anything, don"t worry, I won"t steal the girlfriend of another guy. I understand you know, I have no chance, and it"s okay, as long as you"re happy like this. And Timmins is great, and you like him, so I guess it"s time for me to back off, and let you be."

He shrugged, smiling sadly. She didn"t say anything, and she kept staring at him. She couldn"t believe her ears. This didn"t sound like the cocky and unbearable James Potter she knew, not at all.

"Thank you," she finally answered.

He smiled again, walking once more towards the Castle. They climbed to the Tower in silence, but it wasn"t uncomfortable. They simply were enjoying one another"s presence, appreciating their walk together through the silent and deserted corridors, and they both were feeling peaceful and good. Lily headed towards the girl"s dormitories, as James put a foot upon the first step of the staircase on their left.

"See you Evans."

She stopped, and held him back, touching softly his arm.

"You can call me Lily you know, it"s fine."

He propped up an eyebrow, but was unable to make a sound. She smiled shyly and walked towards the girls" staircase again.

"See you James!"

And she disappeared. James climbed up to his dorm as if he was lost in a dream. She had called him James, for the first time he could remember, and from her lips his name didn"t sound ordinary, it sounded sweet and soft. She really had a gift of making everything beautiful. He let himself fall upon his bed, a stupid smile stuck upon his face. He had not even noticed Sirius, lying on his own bed.

"You had a good date I guess, judging by this horrible thing on your face" the boy told James gloomily.

"Not bad, but it"s not that" his friend answered, without even noticing Sirius"s tone.

"What is it then?"

James sat up and turned towards Sirius, who merely looked at him, his arms under his head.

"Lily, she called me James. Not Potter, James."

"Congratulations, you"re officially the most pathetic living thing in this school, Prongs."

"I"m not kidding Pads! She said I could call her by her first name, and that I had changed in a good way. I"m finally talking to her, and I don"t think she hates me anymore."

"Should I remind you that she has a boyfriend? You have no chance, I thought we had established that."

James glowered at him.

"Thank you very much for destroying my mood, Padfoot. That"s very supportive."

Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"I"m sorry, Prongs. Of course that"s great, you"re finally talking to her."

But James was still hurt.

"Come on James, I"m just so tired! I"m talking nonsense."

"What happened?" James asked seriously.

"What do you mean? I"m just tired."

"No you"re not, Padfoot. I know you, you"re mean only when something bad happens. You"re a puppy the rest of the time."

Sirius laughed despite his horrible mood.

"Do you mean I"m better tempered as a dog than as a human?"

"You are indeed," James smiled too. "You have a very sweet temper as a dog. Maybe you should make the change permanent."

They both laughed, before silence filled the room.

"I"m sorry, it"s great that Lily is talking to you," Sirius apologized again.

"Don"t worry, I know you didn"t mean it. What happened?"

Sirius sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling.

"My date was terrible. She wanted me to go with her to see some of her friends at the Teashop. So of course, I ran away. So no snogging. Then I walked into Clara and Marlene at the Three Broomsticks, and I had a row with Clara, because she thought I had acted like a prat with my date. So I was coming back to the Castle, pissed off, when I saw my brother in trouble with a group of Gryffindors in his year."

"What did you do?"

"I helped him. He"s still my brother after all, I guess. I can"t really just act as if he wasn"t, can I?"

"Of course you can"t, you did the right thing Padfoot," James reassured him. "Why was he in trouble?"

"He insulted one of the guys. Then he tried to give me the classic Black"s speech about family betrayal etc... The usual thing."

James looked at him cautiously.

"Are you alright?"

"It"s just my brother Prongs, of course I"m alright."

"If you need anything..."

"I know Prongs, thank you. Let"s change the subject, okay?"

"Sure."

Sirius took the Daily Prophet from his bedside table and started to fill up the crossword. He didn"t want to talk about his brother, nor his family. He just wanted to forget them, all of them, and the darkness they were making come back inside of him. He wanted to bury all these feelings deep down in his soul and never feel them again. He just had to forget what had happened, and everything would be alright.

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The next morning, Clara took great care to sit as far from Sirius as possible, and though she tried to make it discreet, no one was fooled.

"Oh come on you two!" sighed Peter. "Can"t you make peace quickly, so that everyone can appreciate their breakfast?"

"Everything will be solved when Sirius apologizes to me," answered Clara calmly, pouring some tea for Lily and herself.

"Sorry? When I apologize? You"re the one who got mad at me, remember?" answered Sirius angrily.

Around the two of them, no one dared to move. The fight was only beginning, and between these two, it was better not to get involved. Clara sipped her tea, before answering, still calmly.

"But you"re the one who was wrong."

"No, I wasn"t."

"See, you"re so bloody stubborn sometimes."

"That"s my greatest quality actually, haven"t you noticed?"

"Sorry, I thought it was your gallantry with women," she snapped.

Sirius hit his cup hard on the table, glowering at the girl.

"You really are a pain in the arse Clearwater."

"Coming from you Black, I"ll take it as a compliment."

Sirius was about to answer, when the owls arrived in the Great Hall, carrying letters for all students and teachers. Sirius never received any letters, except from the Potters, but they had already written to James and him the previous day, and so he was more than surprised when a black owl deposited an envelope upon his toast. The envelope was black, with unmistakable silvery writing, tiny and aggressive: it had come from his mother. He remained still for a while, staring at the letter. By his sides, the three Marauders were looking at him, worried.

"Sirius, do you want me to open it first?" proposed James.

But Sirius slowly shook his head, opened the letter and started to read. Uncertain of what was going on exactly, Clara whispered her questions to Remus on her right.

"Did it come from...?"

"Yes," he answered quickly, whispering too.

"But I thought he had run away."

"He has."

They shared a worried look. She was still mad at Sirius, but she knew his relationship with his family was complicated, though he had never really told her anything precise. He didn"t like to talk about it, and it was enough to show how uncomfortable his family was making him feel. But right now Sirius was placid, calm, his face blank. Too blank perhaps. He refolded the letter slowly, calmly, took his fork and started to eat his eggs.

"Are you alright? What did they want?" Remus asked.

"Nothing important, I won"t answer them anyway," Sirius answered, his mouth full of eggs and toast.

"Sirius, what did they say?" James asked too.

"I told you James, nothing important, it"s fine."

"Are you sure?"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I am sure. I"m fine."

But in fact he wasn"t fine at all. It was taking all his self-control to remain calm, and every time he tried to swallow, he felt like he was going to throw up. But he struggled to swallow again anyway, sipped his tea, and reassured his friends. He was used to this feeling by now, and he had become good at hiding it. Still it was haunting him, and he remained quite silent all breakfast, and as they were heading back to the Gryffindor Tower, he slipped away, and disappeared.

"He needs to be alone I reckon," answered James when Clara asked him where Sirius was gone.

"Do you have any idea of what happened?" she asked him.

"What did he tell you about his family?" James answered cautiously.

"Not much," she admitted with a shrug," just that he ran away, and that it"s complicated, basically."

"He ran into his brother yesterday. He was in trouble, and Sirius helped him."

"Well, that"s very kind of him, considering how his brother behaves with him."

"Yes, but it"s weird that Sirius receives a letter just the day after he helps out his brother, when he had had no news from any member of his family since July."

Clara didn"t answer at first, but then she looked at James in the eyes.

"I give him thirty minutes. In thirty minutes, I"ll go look for him."

James looked at her intensely, before nodding slowly. They both sat in front of the fireplace, waiting.

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After thirty minutes, Clara couldn"t take any more of this patient waiting-by-the-fire in the Gryffindor Common Room, and she jumped out of the sofa.

"Alright, I"m gonna look for him."

"Wait for me, just a minute," James stopped her.

He ran up the boys" staircase, Clara pacing nervously through the Common Room.

"Calm down, Clara, I"m sure he"s fine," Remus tried to reassure her.

"Why did he run away like this then?"

"Maybe he just needed to be alone for a while," answered Marlene.

"Perhaps you should leave him alone Clara," added Lily. "Marlene is right, he probably needs some time on his own, and you should leave him be."

But Clara shook her head.

"He didn"t seem fine at breakfast, he shouldn"t be alone."

"If he didn"t want to be alone, he wouldn"t have slipped away," replied Peter.

James came back, running down the stairs.

"He"s at the Lake, are you coming?"

"Sure."

They left the room, heading downstairs.

"How do you know where he is, by the way?" asked Clara.

James merely smiled.

"Maybe one day, I"ll answer to that question."

"Come on!"

"No. No way Clara, I"m not telling you."

They walked in silence for a while, but as they reached the grass, still wet with dew, James spoke again.

"Clara, if he wants to be by himself, you"ve got to let him."

"I could swear I"m hearing Lily," she replied wryly.

"You don"t know him like I do, like the three of us do. You"ve been his friend for a month, that"s all. I hope you"ll remember that."

She stopped, biting nervously her bottom lip.

"Look," she answered slowly, trying to find the right words," I know I don"t know him as well as you do. But... I don"t know James, he seems so sad every time his family comes up. Maybe it would help him to talk, to talk to someone who doesn"t already know everything. Sometimes, it"s easier to tell what you feel to a perfect stranger, than to your best friend. And it doesn"t mean you don"t trust your friend anymore, nor that you don"t care about him, it"s just easier to talk to someone else. And I believe he trusts me, enough to allow me to help him at least, and I will help him if I can."

James smiled at her.

"Alright then, let"s give it a try."

They found Sirius sitting on the shore of the Lake, his gaze lost upon the water. He jumped, startled, when he heard his friends approaching.

"Hey! It"s freezing out here, don"t you want to come inside?" James tried.

But it didn"t work.

"No, thanks. I"m fine here. I just need to be alone for a while."

"Sirius, you know you can tell me anything, you"re not alone mate."

"I know, I just need to be by myself right now. Don"t worry, it"s nothing. It"s just my family rushing back in my head that"s all, it will pass."

Sirius focused on the Lake again, and James shrugged, starting to turn back towards the Castle, but Clara didn"t move.

"Sirius, why don"t you want to tell us what is troubling you?"

"Because nothing in particular is troubling me. Really, you"re worrying yourselves for nothing."

James had stopped, but Clara signaled him to go and to leave them alone. The boy walked away reluctantly, but went back to the Castle anyway, leaving Clara and Sirius alone. She sat down next to him, saying nothing for a while. At last Sirius sighed, annoyed.

"Are you deaf? I told you I wanted to be alone."

"I heard you Sirius."

"Then why are you still here?"

"Because I think you need company, though you"re trying to deny it."

"If you"re just here to make me apologize, I won"t, so don"t waste your time on me," he snapped.

She furrowed her brow, quite hurt that he could think her able of something so mean.

"I"m not here because of that Sirius, I don"t care about you apologizing right now. You look like you need help, that"s all."

"I guess I should worship you for your generosity," he replied wryly. "Be sure you have all my gratitude."

He clenched his jaws, and when Clara answered, her voice was barely more than a whisper.

"I just want to help. I don"t want anything in return. I"m your friend, and you need someone to talk to right now, so... I"m all ears."

He didn"t answer, and merely clenched his jaws tighter. After a moment, during which she stared at him while he kept his eyes fixed on the lake, she sighed heavily.

"Alright, as you wish. I"ll be in the Gryffindor Tower if you need anything. But Sirius, you know I"m a friend, and you can tell me everything."

"No, I can"t," he answered without looking at her.

"Why? You don"t trust me?"

Sirius shook his head.

"No, it"s not that. I trust you. But... I don"t want you to think differently about me. And I know you will if I tell you. When you look at me, you don"t see who I am inside, you still see the joyful mischief-maker, and I"d rather keep it this way."

She stared at him, before slowly shaking her head.

"You"re wrong, you know..."

He finally looked at her, his brow furrowed.

"I don"t see that anymore, that"s why we"ve become friends actually. I don"t think you"re shallow anymore."

He didn"t say anything, and so she went on.

"I know you"re not just making jokes, I know you"re more complicated than what you try to make others see. You"re not a just a clown, and that side of your personality actually, to be fully honest, is not my favourite part of you."

"If you knew everything, you wouldn"t act with me the way you do right now."

"Why would I change?"

"I know you would, that"s all."

"You have little faith in me, don"t you think? Remus is a werewolf, and I really couldn"t care less, why would it be different with you?"

He looked down at the grass beneath him, his arms wrapped around his knees.

"I don"t want your pity, Clara."

She frowned.

"Why should I pity you?"

"You"re a good person, you"ll give me pity, and I don"t want it. That"s what all good people do."

"The boys don"t."

"They did when I told them the truth."

"Are you sure it wasn"t compassion more than pity?"

He looked at her again, but didn"t answer.

"I just want to be here for you. Like friends do."

He gave her a sad smile, before looking at the Lake again. Finally, he sighed heavily.

"I said no Clara."

"You can"t always fight on your own, sometimes you need the help of others," she said as a last try to reach him.

"I don"t need your help right now."

"I think you do. If you don"t want my help, then talk to James, he"ll understand I"m sure."

Sirius shook his head.

"He can"t understand. He has the incredible luck of having been raised in a loving family, with parents who wanted to have him, who are proud of having him for a son. I didn"t have that. He can"t understand how it feels, nor can you."

"Then maybe someone else could, some of the teachers or..."

Sirius laughed wryly, getting annoyed again.

"I don"t need the help of the teachers to know that my family is composed of insane and violent purebloods, thank you. I don"t need Dumbledore to write them a letter when I am trying to get as far away as possible of this band of madmen. I just have to clear my head, to push them away, that"s all."

"Insane and violent purebloods? Why do you say that? And I"m sure your parents must love you, even if maybe they aren"t good at showing it. You"re their son!"

"They never loved me. They don"t love my brother either by the way. They had children because they were supposed to have children, that"s what honourable families do, so they had children, nothing more. They care a lot about appearances, and manners and all those things. And they believe in the family mantra, and in the old ways of thinking of the Blacks. And I don"t."

He shifted, realizing that he had started to talk too much already.

"What kind of thinking? About muggleborns you mean?" she asked him.

Sirius nodded.

"You know I"ve never cared about anyone"s blood."

"Well, my mother is a Muggle, I guess it"s the finale proof you don"t care about my bloodline," she smiled.

"But my parents do," he answered gloomily. "They are evil Clara, they don"t hide that they agree with Voldemort."

A heavy silence filled the space between them, but now that Sirius had started to open up to her, he didn"t want to be alone anymore, he didn"t want this cloak of loneliness to fall back upon him. So he went on, hoping to reach her again.

"It created quite a lot of tension, and the more I grew up, the stronger it was, and the more my parents were violent with me."

Clara held her breath, she had never imagined...

"One day I had enough. I had enough of their deranged ideas, enough of their beatings, enough of their insults against me and my friends, so I took my stuff, and I ran away."

"Your parents were violent... with you?"

Sirius shrugged.

"Curses, beating... I think the worst remains my mother"s shouting, she could make your ears explode really."

He tried to laugh, but it died in his throat, and he merely choked, coughing.

"Did you tell Dumbledore? Did you tell the Aurors?" she asked, shocked.

He looked at her as if she was mad.

"My family is one of the most ancient wizarding family in England Clara, they have contacts everywhere, what could I have done? They would have made the scandal die out, no doubt. It"s okay anyway, that"s not why I"m upset right now."

"What is it?"

He didn"t answer, looking down to the ground again.

"What was in the letter?" she insisted.

He sighed, took the letter out of his pocket, and handed her the black envelope. She unfolded it and read.

Sirius,

Your father and I are glad to have learnt you helped your brother yesterday against these filthy Gryffindor beasts. We hope it is a sign of maturity from you, and that you will soon come back to your senses, and accept the truth. Your place is not surrounded by mudbloods, but by your family. If you come around, we can still save the promise of marriage my cousin had guaranteed for you. We are relieved you are finally showing some wisdom. Write to us, and we shall make your belongings come back from this terrible hole that the Potters call a house. I cannot understand how you can survive in such a house of blood traitors!

Write to us, and think about what your duties are.

Orion and Walburga Black.

Clara frowned.

"I have to say, I don"t really know what to think about it."

"It"s not good, for sure."

Sirius took back his letter and hid it in his pocket once more.

"I shouldn"t have helped Regulus," he finally said, his eyes fixed on the horizon again.

"He"s your brother, it was normal for you to help."

"He"s not my brother anymore, I"m disowned, and glad to be so."

"You don"t stop having a brother just because you don"t talk to your parents anymore, Sirius."

He sighed angrily.

"I thought I was done with all this."

"You are, you ran away. You didn"t give up on what you believe in."

"They"re coming back for me, I thought I was free of them."

"You are. You don"t have to go back."

"Of course I"m not going to go back. I"d rather die!" he answered feverishly.

"What"s upsetting you so much then?"

He stared at her.

"They are happy with me."

She narrowed her eyes.

"And?"

"And I don"t want them to be."

Her brow furrowed, she shook slowly her head.

"I don"t understand."

"I don"t want them to be happy with me. I"m not like them, and I"m proud to be so. I"m..."

His voice broke, but he cleared his throat, and went on anyway. He had to let it out, now that he had started to confess everything.

"I"m ashamed to be a Black. And I"m scared, I"m terrified I"ll be like them."

She stared at him, but she didn"t say a word, so Sirius went on.

"They are evil, all of them. They are the worst kind of people you could meet, and I don"t want them to control my life. I want to make my own choices. I want to choose my own job, and my own flat, my own friends, and I want to have my own way of thinking. They even want to decide who I"m supposed to love! No, that"s not how I want to live. But I grew up with them, and I"m scared that it could mean that one day, I"ll be as deranged and evil as they are. I"m afraid to be like them. And if they are happy with me, it means that I did something they agree with, and I can"t support that."

He was looking at the Lake again, but she touched his arm, making him look at her. She had tears in her eyes, but it wasn"t pity, it was sadness; sadness for her friend who had suffered more than he deserved to, and Sirius felt grateful.

"You didn"t do anything wrong. You helped your brother who was in trouble, do you think he would have done the same for you?"

Sirius laughed wryly.

"Of course not," he answered bitterly.

"See, you"re not like them, and you didn"t act like them."

"But what if I am? Deep down. I have the same blood running through my veins after all."

"Blood doesn"t mean anything, you"ve said it yourself."

"It"s not the same."

He looked genuinely afraid. It was the first time he was showing any sign of fragility to her, and she took his hand in hers, conscious of how much he was trusting her right now.

"You"re not a bad person, Sirius. You"re good, I can see it. Besides, your fear of having the slightest common point with them is the final proof that you are very different indeed. You"re so brave, and strong Sirius, to have been through all this, and to still be yourself in the end..."

He smiled at her, a tear glimmering in his eye, but he didn"t cry, he merely joked.

"So, no pity for me I hope?"

"No," she smiled back.

"Good."

"You"re good Sirius, never forget that. What defines you is not your blood, it"s what you believe in, and the actions you make in consequence. And you"ve always acted like a good person, not an evil one."

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

They smiled at each other for a while, not even noticing that they were still holding hands.

"Do you still want me to go away?" asked Clara.

Sirius laughed loudly.

"Oh Merlin, no! No, please, don"t go."

She took her newspaper out of her bag, along with a quill and some ink, and searched for the crossword.

"What do you think? Want to help me?" she proposed.

He grinned.

"I would love to."