What It Means To Love You

Killing Kindness

-Skylar...

Noooo….I am NOT OK, and I am seriously contemplating strangling Comet!

“Raindrop”

“Comet, please LEAVE. ME. ALONE and STOP TALKING TO ME!”

“Sweetheart, let me help you.”

“I HATE YOU, I really do.”

I really don’t, but I am so angry right now that I could cry.

“Hate me later, but allow me to assist and LOVE you now.” Is he serious?!

I am going to kill him.

Skylar, take a deep breath...OK, now, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, and finally, Exhale again.

10...

9…

8… “Skylar, please open the door.”

7… Don’t think about all the different ways in which you could castrate him.

6..

5… “Skylar Ocean”

4… Why he is calling out to me as if I DID something wrong?!

3...

2… “Raindrop, I’m sorry, I forgot that you had a photo shoot today.”

1… I am still. NOT. OK!

“Raindrop, please open the door and let me assist you!”

“Comet, I mean this in the nicest way possible... get away from the door and leave me alone before I kill you!”

Fiddlesticks and Mushrooms..!!!!

They say ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’ but right now that is all I want to do, and if I could I would rain hailstones on Comet, resurrect him, just to kill him again.

“Babe…” The girls call out to me.

I release a deep sigh, I knew everyone wanted to help, but I wanted to remain unbothered as I pout and sulk in my sorely depressing disposition.

“Sweetheart let us help you.”

“Guys, I’m fine” Translation: I don’t want you in here and eventually everything will be OK!

“Sky, we will personally kill Comet for you, but first let us in to help you!” Italy insisted

So, I am sure many of you are wondering what is going on if you have not yet already guessed.

COMET thought it would be oh so cute and sweet of him to put Elmers Glitter Glue in my HAIR CONDITIONER!!!!!

After an hour of trying to wash it out of my hair to no avail, I wanted to suffocate him.

I had a photoshoot in an hour and I didn’t know what to do! Needless to say, YouTube was of NO help and my Mother would choose this time not to answer her phone!

I slowly exhaled and called my manager to cancel and reschedule the photoshoot and interview. Normally the glitter would not have been a problem, however, when trying to rinse it out of my hair, it left white streaks and residue leaving my hair bonded in different places. I had long spikes and unnatural streaks and it was NOT cute.

After talking to my manager, I packed my things and finished dressing. We had been in Paris for the past month and I was ready to go home.

Upon opening the room door, I found that EVERYONE was standing there.

“Are you OK?”

“Is there anything that we can do?”

“Have you gotten in contact with your manager?”

Question after question they continued to fire at me.

“I am going home, I canceled the shoot and interview, and rescheduled them for a later time,” I replied.

“I’m sorry Raindrop, I really am.” Comet spoke, I knew He was.

Any other time I wouldn’t have minded as much, we pranked each other ALL the time, but I had responsibilities that I needed to tend to and I couldn’t, so it frustrated me.

“Remember this moment when the tables are turned and all will be fine and forgiven.” I tried to joke, dissociating myself from how I truly felt.

“Of course.” He responds, winking at me.

“Well, give the rest us time to pack and we all shall leave.” Rose chimed in.

With this said everyone left to pack, but Cayden and I took this opportunity to ask him a few questions.

“Cay…?”

“Sky…?!” He questioned suspiciously.

“So...I was wondering…” Why did I suddenly feel nervously awkward?!

“Why is it that no one will answer my questions?”

“What questions do you have Raindrop?”

“How is it that you can stay with me for months at a time and never work and why is it that you will NEVER tell me what you do?”

“Sky, Sweetheart, we work.” He chuckled and smiled at me, but something was there, in his eyes that I couldn’t quite place.

“Or the way your eyes change in certain lights, then quickly change again as if I imagined it? Or the way, no one treats me the same? Everything is a secret now with you all, and honestly, I hate it!”

“Skylar, it is NEVER...” He stressed. “In our intentions to make you feel that way. It’s just that certain questions you ask, we can’t or don’t know how to answer. Everything is not always as simple as it may appear to be.” He spoke sincerely.

But, I could only think that things weren’t like this before, yes, certain questions they didn’t answer, but they were NEVER this secretive.

I have noticed there was more silent communication between them, and I felt out of place and suffocated.

I suddenly felt very emotional and I couldn’t explain why. I felt like a part of me was breaking and I couldn’t fix it. I wanted to make this work with them, but I didn’t know how much more of this I could or was willing to take, to pretend that it wasn’t draining or affecting me.

Relationships were meant to be built on a foundation of trust, commitment, and communication, but I was no longer receiving these things from them. It left me questioning myself and feeling irrational, and I was hurt because I didn’t understand why.

My past never allowed for open communications and trust. Most children were afraid of the dark, bugs, or monsters under their beds or in their closets. I feared the times my brother’s dad was home or the times we were left alone.

Confrontations and fights triggered me, reasons as to why I often walked away or remained silent. Some considered me weak and fragile, but they didn’t understand the demons I battled or terrors I endured, or the reasons why I couldn’t sleep at night.

“Skylar…” Someone was calling me.

“Yes…” I answered monotonously.

I was numb, my mind recalling everything I once buried, praying it would never come to be my downfall or sudden demise.

“Raindrop?”

Did I not already answer, why were they still calling me?

“Yes.”

“We asked if you were ready to go?” Chastity spoke.

“Oh, Yes.”

“Babe, are you sure that you are OK?” She questioned again.

“Yes, why?” I asked, c*****g an eyebrow at her.

“It’s just that you seem more distant lately, you’re here, but only physically.”

“Oh, I thought that was you!” I smirked at her.

“Skylar…”

“Yes, are you not ready to go?!” I asked incredulously.

-Comet...

I sighed, Skylar could have a real smart mouth when she got defensive and usually, others would continue to challenge her or silently admit their defeat through silence.

She was a natural leader and queen of debates, arguing with her at times proved to be futile; she’s stubborn and extremely sassy. Many failed to acknowledge how powerful her presence was, or the effect she had on others because of her meek and humble disposition.

I know it frustrated her when we evaded or deflected her questions. I would have told her all she wanted to know and more, but it was not my place. I feared at this point we are going to lose her either way, not that I would allow her to go anywhere. Over my dead body! Hell better think twice, and then three times more before testing me with her.

Skylar was my safety net.

She understood me more than any other, perhaps because we had both been through the pain of neglect and abuse. We shared secrets no one else knew, the only difference is, she didn’t allow her past to bitter her sweetness, the mud to dilute her purity, or the darkness to dim her light. She was her namesake, and I promised that I would do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING in my power to ensure that it remained that way.

I could feel her pulling away, detaching herself, another safety net of hers. Emotional and mental detachment, so the physical won’t hurt as much. It’s sad that they can’t see how much the secrets and silent conversations are really affecting her, but she was good at hiding her emotions, however, I knew them too well to be fooled.

Skylar was like fine china fiercely beautiful, but extremely fragile; she had to be handled with care and I understood that. However, I also understood her mental; a soft fire only needing gentle stokes to bring to flame, but if the handler wasn’t careful she would burn everything in her path leaving only ashes and irreparable damage.

Picking her up, I held her close as I walked us to the awaiting car. She was my security, everything was safe with her. She held my secrets and made them her own, valuing every feeling and emotion, and I had to remember that she was not mine. That thought alone hurt more than I would ever like to admit, especially to myself, and I envied Christian. I had fallen in love with Skylar and I had no way of retracting that!

“Sing to me!” I asked of her.

Her voice calmed me, and I had never heard anything more beautiful.

“What?” She asks.

“Anything”

“Say Please!” She demanded.

“Please.?!” I asked, giving her my best puppy eyes.

The irony, a beast with puppy eyes!

She exhaled slowly and allowed the melodies within her to be heard.

“Every time he cries his hearts breaks,

They say the tears will make the pain go away,

But I believe that’s the things that fools say,

Because every time she fears she walks away,

Scattered souls full of pain and dismay,

So, they walking on fumes just to mediate,

Praying one day everything lost will elevate,

Every feeling and emotion others chose to confiscate.

Truths they fear to display,

Airing the beauty they levitate.

Lost in the feelings they give,

But, secrets give more room for the reprieve,

Sharing thoughts, when I choose to give you my heart

My life is a work of art

And, I take pride in every part.”

Everything spoke through her poetry, and if anyone ever cared to look beyond the surface she would tell you her story.

I looked upon the others, enjoying the perplexity of their confusion, while inside I cried because every word she spoke was true.

I held her closer to me, hoping to dim the pain within the both of us.

I could tell that the others wanted to say something, but what could they say?

“Skylar...” Chastity tried.

She was lost for words, but her face spoke volumes. She understood that something was wrong, but where Skylar currently was she couldn’t help her, though she aided in the process to get her there.

Raindrop would often retract within herself, consumed by her overwhelming thoughts and emotions, pushing others away, not wanting to burden them with whatever was troubling her.

“Let it be for now Chas.” I spoke empathically.

I knew she wanted to fix whatever was wrong, hoping to make her understand, but Sky was hurt.

This was an interchangeable process because whenever Skylar was hurt, Chastity was hurt too, and it pained her not knowing what to do.

Chastity was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the consequences of misthought were more than any of us was willing to accept, so unspokenly the deed was left for Christian.

“Why the long faces?” Skylar questioned innocently, and one may have thought innocence was her intent if it was not for the c*****g of her head to complete her cheekiness.

I simply smirked and waited for their responses. Yes, let the fun begin, however, I was sorely disappointed.

They were dejected, resigning before the fight begin, but the same couldn’t be said of Chastity. She may have been a princess by default, but she was the most badass princess I had ever met, and I have met a few! ;)

{Don’t let my winking smirk concern you; it’s just my signature mark!}

“I heard you, but I fail to understand the significance or the profoundness of your words,” Chastity spoke adamantly. “I asked what distressed you, and you insisted that you were fine, but your lyrics sung a different melody.”

The atmosphere turned tense, and I wasn’t sure that I was completely ready for this.

“Which concerned you more, the words that I uttered or the coldness of my feelings that I have now chosen to harbor?” Skylar asked, raising an eyebrow at her contender. 

“Both!” Chas admitted incredulously.

Raindrop chuckled humorlessly.

“With every secret, I find that you care less for my feelings, with every deflected question you disregard them as unimportant, with every soft whisper you abuse my trust. So, tell me again what exactly are you concerned with or how much you care.”

“Sky, Sweetheart…” Rose spoke softly but had become lost for words.

What could they say without telling her the truth?

I loved my family more than I loved myself, {which in itself spoke zillions}, but I’ve never regretted being included in the ‘they’ until this moment.

Because the look that Skylar gave me, nearly broke my heart.

I knew she was hurt by my silence. I had broken a promise, something I had sworn to never do.

I looked at her pleadingly, begging for her forgiveness, not only for the now but also, for that which was to come. And, I hoped that I was prepared for whatever that may be!