3• Paralysis
1961 Words
Shifa — POV
I woke up with a jolt, breath tearing out of my chest, my hand flying to the side table as I switched on the lamp.
Staring at the clock that said 3 in the morning, I leaned back against the headboard, my heart still racing, my body soaked in sweat as if I had been running a marathon.
The images from today invaded my mind.
After witnessing death at my feet, after the chaos and the screams and the blood that seemed to be everywhere all at once, my body had simply… shut down. I had passed out like a machine unplugged from its source.
There's nothing that terrifies me more than blood… A lot of blood.
I don’t know how to describe the feeling properly. It’s not fear. It’s closer to the sensation of being hollowed out.
After I passed out Hayaam and Raza took me to the hospital and then after a few hours I was discharged.
And now I'm home.
I turned my head slowly.
Ammi was sleeping beside me. I didn't tell her anything regarding today's incident.
She had no idea that the day had reopened wounds I had spent years stitching shut.
I watched her for a long moment, grounding myself in the proof that she was here.
My fingers curled into the bedsheet. I can see Alisha's dead body near my feet and then suddenly I wasn't standing on campus anymore .. I was standing in my home near the stair case, small and fragile in a pool of blood with a dead body near my feet.
I tried to shake it off..I tried to remove that image from my mind but one after another the image came popping up in my brain.
My father..
My brain doesn’t show me his face immediately. It never does. It starts with the floor. White tiles stained dark red and I remember standing there, too still.
Too quiet.
Someone was screaming..maybe it was me.
Maybe it wasn’t.
I swallowed hard, pressing my palm to my chest as if I could physically hold my heart in place. My breathing came shallow now, each inhale a conscious effort.. I tried to move..I tried to reach for Ammi's hand.. I tried to whisper something..
I desperately wanted to scream but I couldn't. My body wasn't in my control. I felt dead.
I closed my eyes, but that was a mistake.
The thud echoed again in my head.. louder this time.
My feet felt wet all over again.
Sticky. Warm.
I opened my eyes sharply, gasping.
“No,” I whispered into the darkness, my voice barely there. “Not again.”
I wasn’t hallucinating.
Or maybe I was.
That’s what makes it worse.
Memory doesn’t warn you before it attacks.
I tried to turn toward Ammi again, needing the reassurance of her presence. Tried and Failed.
Now I can see a shadow emerging from the corner of the room. Dark, big, inhumane.
I can see it coming towards me.
My chest tightened. I tried to inhale, but the air felt insufficient. My heart began to slam against my ribs.
The shadow leaned over me.
I could see hiz hands reaching out. My mind screamed before my mouth could. My lips parted, but no sound came out.
His hands closed around my neck firmly. I can see him choking me… My body trembled.. I tried to move once again..
Pressure built slowly. My vision blurred at the edges. Black dots danced in front of my eyes.
I was choking.
I could feel my pulse beneath his fingers. I could feel my body trembling. I tried again harder to move my arms, to kick, to fight.
Nothing.
My eyes bulged out and I could feel life draining out of my body.
Just as the pressure became unbearable
and my lungs burned due to the lack of oxygen.
I gasped.
My body jerked violently, air rushing back into my chest as if I’d been underwater for too long. I sat up abruptly, clawing at my neck, coughing, my heart racing wildly.
The room was empty..
The shadow was gone.
But I can feel the terror lingering around me.
I didn’t lie back down after that.
I stayed awake, staring into the corners of the room, afraid that if I closed my eyes
my mind would finish what it started..
I am used to death.
What I’m not used to is how my soul trembles when it comes close enough to touch me.
—----------
The alarm rang at 5 in the morning waking Ammi up. I stood up and helped her freshening up, masking the remnants of fear from last night.
We offered fajr together.. I went to the kitchen for breakfast while Ammi took her chair to the lawn.
I've been doing this now for years. I've spent years mastering the act of peace.. like there's no storm that passed through my life and wrecked me into pieces.. And I'm still trying to stand on my feet without needing support.
In short, I'm a shell of what I used to be and a mold of what I have to be.
Khair..
We did breakfast together.. Razia came by 7 am.. she takes care of my mother when I'm not home.
I wore a black dress coat today… With black heels and my hair tied up in a messy bun as always..
The moment I reached my department I came across a banner with..
“Shifa is a murderer.”
“Justice for Alisha.. Arrest Shifa Saeed.”
A shiver ran down my spine.. What the hell is happening..
Without paying it any heed I straightened my spine and walked through the crowd which had gone wild.
As I reached for my office a peon was already standing there..“Madam, HOD is calling you.”
Of course he was.
I nodded and turned.
The corridor felt narrower than usual. My heart was pounding against my ribcage but I kept my face devoid of every emotion.
Inside the HOD’s office, three men from the Legal Committee and Superintendent of Police were already seated. They were discussing among themselves but stopped the moment I entered.
“Sit down, Dr. Shifa,” the HOD said.
I did.
He folded his hands. “You know why you’re here.”
“Yes.”
“Students are protesting. They’re accusing you of mental harassment. They claim Alisha begged you to let her sit in the exams. They say your refusal pushed her to this.”
“They can claim anything,” I said calmly. “It doesn’t make it true.”
A pause.
The SP cleared his throat. “Did you deny her exam permission?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Her attendance was low. As per university policy students should’ve minimum seventy-five percent. She had thirty-nine.”
“Couldn’t you make an exception?” I can feel him restraining himself or else he might've killed me already.
“No.”
I was looking straight into his eyes that held an unknown emotion.
“Why not?” He asked.
“Because exceptions become precedents. And precedents become disasters,” I said. “If I had allowed her, every student after her could challenge their results. That exam would lose credibility. My department would lose integrity. And the university would lose its system..”
Another pause..
“You knew she was struggling,”
“I did.”
“And still?”
“And still,” I replied. “Do you think I hold power here, Sir? I am a professor. I'm not the one who made these rules.. I'm just asked to follow them or else I might lose my job.. the one who made these rules are sitting right in front of you.” I said pointing at the HOD who was clearly glaring at me and asking me to shut up. Obviously no one would want an unnecessary scandal on themselves.
The SP turned towards HOD, his voice cold “You didn't tell me this before..”
“I'm really sorry..I thought there might be some other issue that Dr. Shifa could highlight.” He gulped internally wishing me to die (I can bet) “Moreover, had Dr. Shifa allowed her into the examination hall, the department would have been forced to cancel Alisha’s previous semester results and demote her to reappear in those exams. Attendance is not a formality. We are shaping futures, sir. We cannot risk incompetence.”
The SP nodded and sighed. I don't know why I'm having some weird thoughts about this human.
“Did you find a note or something about Alisha?” I was unable to contain my curiosity.
He shook his head “We are looking into possibilities. Alisha hadn't left any specific trial.. also her family is having conflicts about whether they should go for autopsy or not.”
“What do you mean by conflicts?” the HOD asked.
“Well this can be a murder. And as her parents are dead her brothers are her guardians and one of them is forcing us to have an autopsy while the other one is denying it. If the CCTV of your department was working it would be easy for us to find out what happened with her but unfortunately.. Now we have to dig through it.” A tired breath tore out of his lungs.
“Why are they having second thoughts about the autopsy? Are they insane?” The HOD deadpanned. He wanted his name out of this mess as soon as possible and just like him I was desperate to get myself out.
The SP though didn't pay any heed to it. He stood up while muttering something more about how they'll get an autopsy report.
The moment he left, the HOD said quietly “This could become legal.”
“I know.”
“You could be suspended pending inquiry.”
“I know.”
“You could lose your job.”
“I know.”
I folded my hands in my lap.
“But I will not apologize for doing my duty.”
The HOD sighed “I can't tolerate any scandals and rallies. I think you should get a leave and stay home for a while.”
That was the moment my brows creased together. But I said nothing. I knew it won't help.. I knew the old rule this society has, even if you’re right, if your actions cause a scandal, you’re the one who will face the consequences. It doesn’t matter if you were forced to follow the rules or had no real choice. In the end, reputation comes first, so you’re made to take the blame for something you were pushed into doing.
Grief always seeks a villain.. When death offers no explanation, the living create one. And like doctors, we teachers are easy targets. We deal with the future. When futures end, we are blamed.. Neither their incompetence nor their incapability. Us. For making them disciplined.
I wrote an application demanding leave for a month “Due to health issues my mother had.” They dismissed me after forty minutes.
Outside, the crowd had doubled.
Chants rose the moment I stepped out.
“Murderer.”
“Shame.”
“Justice for Alisha.”
Phones were lifted. Videos recorded. Faces twisted.
But I kept walking.
Inside my office, I locked the door and leaned my forehead against the wood for a few seconds. My legs trembled. I've been so hard on myself lately. To be honest at this point I owe an apology to myself..
But before I could straighten up. I felt something squeezing the life out of my throat just like I felt at night.
- Writer
