Kill Your Darlings

Chapter 1

Oblivion is a funny thing. It’s human instinct to fear the proverbial abyss, but now that I’m here, it’s not so bad. Calm emptiness consumes me. Cold darkness envelops me.

For a moment, an eternity, I’m lost.

Sensations trickle in from the edge of my semiconscious mind, and I become aware of a faint, coppery tang on my tongue. Scratchy linen sheets kiss my cheek. The heady scent of rain-dampened soil fills the air. When a faraway roar echoes like thunder rolling across distant plains, my brain sparks to life.

This is a dream, and I know it by heart.

Heat blazes through my veins as I realize what’s happening. In my youth, I worked tirelessly—no pun intended—to achieve lucid dreaming. I kept journals, used mnemonics, performed routine reality checks. Now lucidity is second nature. My brain longs for this escape.

Starved of happiness in the waking world, it senses freedom and grasps for it.

The dream solidifies around me like a chrysalis. I drag myself away from the darkness, eager for tonight’s adventure. Anxiety unhooks its dull, ever-present claws from my chest. Awareness of a new and wonderful realm billows outwards from me, and peace settles in my soul.

Peace. Happiness. I could chase those feelings to the end of eternity in the real world and never come close to catching them; here, they’re always within my grasp.

HappinessMy fingers roam beneath threadbare covers to find a warm hand. I run my thumb over the callouses on the palm, smiling. If Valen is with me, that means it will be a good dream.

Obviously it will be good. I’ve returned to the place I love most. I know the pulse of every tree, the lore of every stone, the deepest desires of every creature. How could I not? I created them. This is my dream, my universe. And when I’m lucid, I can control it.

ObviouslyPeople in the real world, the mundane and tragic world, say authors have a God Complex. I wouldn’t disagree.

Relishing the feel of my imaginary realm, I pick up the smoky scent of wood-burning watch fires. That means I’m dreaming about one of my war campaigns. A hint of pine in the smoke tells me I’m on the northwestern coast.

Weird. I can’t remember a time when I’ve smelled anything in a dream. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe the sensations drain away when I wake, like sand through a sieve.

My main character, Kyla Starblade—whose body I inhabit whenever I dream about my fantasy novels—fights at the forefront of the largest and most dangerous battles of the Shadow War. Given the sensory clues, this must be the day after our army liberated the Shadow-occupied city of Westport.

I’ve arrived at the start of the fifth and final book in my series. Not surprising, since that unfinished manuscript dominates my waking life, haunting me. I’m not happy with it. Neither is my publisher.

Nope. Don’t think about that. Focus on the dream. Enjoy the happiness while it lasts.

As if on cue, Valen’s fingers twitch to life. They intertwine with my own, and I c***k open an eye to look at him. Affection floods my chest, washing away every dark and distressing thought.

He’s perfection.

Oh, I gave him flaws and pathos. He’s his own person with his own goals. Uniting our forces into the Mortal Alliance? Valen’s idea. The Westport victory? Valen’s doing. Waiting three-and-a-half novels for Kyla to make the first move? Yes, that was Valen Stormcrest, pining i***t and Grade A cinnamon roll.

A thin glaze of sweat beads on his light-brown skin. His bare chest rises and falls with slow, steady breaths. Raven hair frames his sculpted face, falling in tousled waves across a noble brow.

They say you can’t imagine a face you haven’t seen. Every random face in your dreams is the real-life face of someone, somewhere, whose visage was engraved in your memory. Your brain rifles through its catalog and populates your nighttime visions with actual people.

Only I’m sure I’ve never seen anyone like Valen. The high cheekbones, the long nose, the chiseled jawline—I would have remembered someone like that. The real world doesn’t have anyone as extraordinary as that. When he turns to me and reveals sparkling gray eyes, as vibrant and ever-changing as a thunderstorm, my breath hitches.

remembered“Kyla.” He squeezes my hand. “You’re here.”

“Where else would I be?” My attempt at a flirtatious tone is cringeworthy.

“Usually you’re gone before the sun rises.”

Right. Kyla’s a bit of a jerk. She’s bad at communication and creates her own problems. While that makes for a compelling story, I’m not interested in drama now. I have more than enough of that in my real life, thank you very much.

“I wish I could stay here forever,” I murmur.

Even the smallest, drowsiest smile is transformative on Valen. He pulls Kyla’s hand—my hand—to his chest. “If only we lived in a world where we could. But the sun is up, and we have a war to win.”

Yes, the Mortal Alliance is struggling to save civilians from s*******r at the hands of invading troops; but in dreams, I’m not obligated to focus on that. There’s no need to stress my exhausted brain with problem-solving.

“The war can wait,” I tell him.

He chuckles. “Who are you, and what have you done with Kyla Starblade?”

“I’m her evil twin.” I close my eyes and snuggle closer, curling my body toward his. Even in the dream I feel sore, tired. Drained of energy, as if I, like my characters, have been fighting a war.

In a way, I have. I just lost the Battle of the Movie Rights, and Monday morning is D-Day, when I must deliver my final manuscript revisions to my editor.

I haven’t finished those revisions yet. Haven’t started them, actually.

“You could never convince me you’re evil,” says Valen, his deep voice tinged with playfulness. “Although it should be considered a crime for you to be so beautiful.”

Under normal circumstances, such a mawkish sentiment would make me vomit. Unlike Kyla, I’m not in a relationship. Never have been, likely never will be. Truth be told, I don’t want a relationship. At least, not with any real person.

Valen is different. I created him so I could love him (also because one of the unspoken rules of writing Young Adult fiction is that there must be a romantic subplot). Writing requirements aside, I made him everything I could ever want. I had no choice but to love him, in order to more convincingly write Kyla as she fell for him. And I’m able to love him because he’s safe. Unattainable.

butA perfect little figment of my imagination.

The lumpy pallet shifts. I open my eyes to find Valen propping himself up on his left elbow, leaning over me. At once, my rib cage feels thin and fragile, in danger of shattering around the heart that has begun to beat violently against it.

Lucid dreaming teaches you to recognize patterns: recurring symbols, events, and people. While I’ve dreamed of Valen plenty, this approach to intimacy has never happened before. Typically, I need at least three tequila shots before I can consider swapping spit. For this reason—or any number of deeper and darker reasons—it’s hard to imagine kissing him. Maybe this is my subconscious’s not-so-subtle way of sending me a message.

What the message is, I can’t guess. Valen bends toward me, his lips about to close on mine. My brain and body are paralyzed. Should I allow this?

Do I want this?

wantAnother far-off roar breaks the spell, fracturing the magic and the terrifying weight of the moment. A low, brassy note responds—the sentry’s horn.

Valen raises his head and stares eastward, as if he can see through the canvas tent and into the sky where a dragon is approaching. I can’t see through the tent, but I know that’s happening because I wrote it. I know everything about this imaginary world, but it’s clear I still don’t know myself. While Valen is distracted, I shimmy Kyla’s body out from under him.

can’t“Cendrion has returned from patrol.” He rolls to the far side of the cot and rises. The blanket falls away from a lean frame rippling with the muscles of a warrior. I don’t avert my gaze as he dresses. I may not wish to act on desire, even in dreams, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the view.

He casts me a sidelong glance. “Are you planning to get up?”

No, I want to say, but the word sticks in my throat. Hyper-awareness notwithstanding, I’m not in the driver’s seat of this dream. Events are progressing, despite my yearning for the contrary. If I let it play out, perhaps I’ll find some inspiration to jolt me out of my writer’s block.

No,I spy Kyla’s pants and shirt on the bare earth floor and throw them on. When I try to follow Valen through the tent flaps, he stops me.

“We can’t be seen leaving together this early,” he whispers. “You’ll have to teleport.”

I suppress an exasperated groan. Like all the inhabitants of the world I created, Kyla can wield magic. However, I’ve never been able to harness her power, not even in my most lucid moments. Much as I’ve written about the magic system in the world of Solera, I don’t have the first idea how to wield the energy that courses through every living thing here. I don’t know what part of my brain to use, which muscle to flex.

Waving aside Valen’s words, I start to push past him. “It doesn’t matter.”

He steps in my way, towering head and shoulders above me. “I’m the Commander-General of this army.”

“And I’m the Lightbringer,” I retort, using the honorific the military bestowed on Kyla.

“A position that’s tenuous at best.”

Shit. This dialogue isn’t half bad. Maybe I will make some revisions. I’ll add this to the beginning of Book Five. Never mind it’s the ending my publishing team objects to.

will“I promise no one will care if they see us together,” I tell him.

“Even if they don’t—which they will—and even if you’ve stopped worrying about your reputation overnight, it’s my duty to protect you. Our relationship is a conflict of interest. The military adjudicators are looking for any excuse to punish you. Don’t give it to them.”

I huff a rueful laugh. Everything he’s saying is true. This is so canon. Very on-brand for him. As the author of this story, I agree with what he’s saying, even if it makes for an irritating dream.

“Fine.” This will go easier if I stop fighting. “I’ll meet you on the eastern ridge.”

Valen scrutinizes me, his expression unreadable. “There’s something different about you today.”

“Good different, or bad different?”

The corners of his lips twitch—the infamous almost-smile, his signature move. “I’ll let you know tonight.”

“It’s a date.”

His face softens and he offers me a rare, full smile. Then he ducks through the flaps and emerges to greet the morning.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I try willing myself to the ridge, attempting a teleport spell. It’s no use. The magic won’t come. My real-world frustrations about feeling powerless in life, relationships, and career are determined to manifest in my dream.

Abandoning magic as a lost cause, I listen to the bustle outside. The troops will be queueing for breakfast at the far end of the encampment, exhausted from yesterday’s battle and longing for a hot meal. I pace to the edge of the tent, crouch beside the cot, and lift a corner of the fabric wall. As soon as the path is clear, I wriggle out. The soil, damp from a storm and churned to mud by night patrols, is slimy and cold. The moisture seeping through my cotton blouse is as real as it gets. This dream is wild.

My spirits rise as I hike east, wiping my hands on Kyla’s leather wyvernhide pants. I squeeze through a gap in the ring of earthen pikes around the tents, then ascend a ridge abutting the camp’s border. Soothing birdsong floats on the breeze, and the clear rosy sky promises a gorgeous day. It’s a far cry from the cramped and dirty tension of New York City.

I used to love the city. That love has faded, as many good things have faded from my life. Now the incessant urban hum grates on my nerves. Dour buildings loom like jailers, caging me in whenever I drift through the streets. I’m too tired for the flashing neon energy, too jaded to appreciate the metropolitan beauty I once saw.

But in dreams, my heart still thrums with the emotions life has wrung from my soul. This is Solera, the world whose fate I sculpt by whim, and I’m about to meet my favorite character.

As I crest the grassy hilltop in tandem with the sun, I can’t help the tears that spring to my eyes. There, resplendent in the golden dawn, stands Cendrion: warrior, hero, and friend.

He also happens to be a dragon.

Dreaming of dragons is nothing new—hell, I made a career out of it—but something about Cendrion calls to me now as it never has before. Sunlight turns his white-scaled body into a faceted diamond. His amethyst eyes shine with unspoken reassurance. He understands me. He knows my soul as well as I know his.

What’s left of it, at least. Cendrion is haunted by his past and future alike. I’ve entwined his fate with that of my world’s greatest villain: Lord Zalor, the fiendish tyrant who started the Shadow War.

My thoughts darken as they turn to that villain, inner storms clouding my joy.

Kill your darlings. That’s a saying we have in the publishing industry. In terms of writing, it means you must let go of attachments. For me, it holds a different meaning.

Kill your darlingsI’ve done terrible things to Cendrion. Unforgivable things. I’m overcome with the urge to apologize to him, to all my characters. Valen is already there, as are Kyla’s best friends. Asher Brightstone, another human, and Rexa Faeloryn, a shapeshifter, stand side by side, looking at me.

all“About time,” says Rexa. Her natural form is humanoid but chimerical. Dark-furred legs give way to a reptilian torso of mottled scales, like those of a python. The scales fade into the flesh of a human head, where her elegant features pinch in distaste. “What’d you do, crawl through the mud to get here?”

Words fail me. I’m transfixed by the majesty of Cendrion’s ivory horns, extending upwards from each side of his skull in a graceful curve. The warmth of Asher’s smile pulls at my heart.

“My darlings,” I whisper, drinking in the sight of them. Silhouetted against the rolling emerald plains and pristine marble peaks of Westport, these four are the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever seen. The family I’ve always wanted. The friends I’ve never known.

I have friends in the real world—I do—but there are increasingly few of them. Such is life as a flawed, broken human who’s bad at communication and creates her own problems.

doOf course Kyla’s based on me. She is me, and I am her. But I’m also all of my other characters. I’m every blade of grass on this hilltop. I’m the sun. The universe. I’ve never felt that as strongly as I do now, here, in this inexplicably heartbreaking dream.

isI open my mouth to say something poignant and poetic: a creator speaking to her beautiful, perfect, doomed creations.

Before I can utter a word, Cendrion howls in pain. He rears up and flares his wings, revealing a shadowy shape behind him and the hilt of a dagger digging into his haunches.

Damn. Damn it all to hell. This is the first major plot point of Book Five. Lord Zalor sends an assassin to murder Kyla and her friends as retribution for the Battle of Westport. What an absolute asshole I am for having forgotten.

DamnMy characters launch into motion. As Cendrion twists to face his attacker, Rexa’s catlike legs bend in a stance of aggression. She wields her changemagic, morphing into a fearsome tiger in the span of a heartbeat. Flesh and scale ripple into tawny striped fur, though her amber eyes remain human, sparkling with bloodlust.

Voltmagic crackles to life around Valen, and he hurls a blue-white bolt of lightning at the assassin. Asher, whose battle prowess lies with weapons, draws, nocks, and fires an arrow in one fluid motion. The assassin is too clever by half. He wields darkmagic and disappears into a wisp of shadow, rendering spells and arrows useless.

Cendrion glares around, nostrils flaring as if he hopes to track the shadowman’s movement by scent. Blood trickles from his wound, scalloping across the scales of his left hind leg, but he pays it no mind.

“Fly to the healers,” I tell the dragon, flapping my hands at him. “That dagger was dipped in poison.”

His jeweled eyes flick to me. “How can you tell?”

Because I wrote it that way. Guilt turns my tongue leaden, and I can’t bring myself to admit it aloud.

Because I wrote it that way“This isn’t over,” says Valen. “Cendrion, return to camp and sound the alarm—check in with the healers while you’re there. Starblade, defensive spells at the ready.”

He doesn’t even look at me when he addresses me, formal and distant. He’s staring around, on the lookout for any trace of the assassin.

My jaw clenches. Suddenly I’m angry—not at Zalor, but at myself. What sort of i***t would waste a morning like this on attempted murder? I was so absorbed in my darkness that I couldn’t see the simple splendor of this scene. Why didn’t I write more about the fragrance of dew-kissed grass? The gleam of Cendrion’s scales? The sensation of Valen’s skin against my own?

The assassin materializes in front of me, rising from the shadows and coalescing into physical form. I take a swing at him, because that’s the only thing I can do without Kyla’s magic at my disposal. He sidesteps, produces another poisoned dagger, and plunges it into my chest.

“Lord Zalor sends his regards,” the assassin hisses in my ear.

I’ve never been stabbed in the real world. I’ve written about brutal injuries, but without having known the injuries myself, I can’t imagine what a stabbing would feel like. I can’t dream about it.

Except I am dreaming it. The dagger’s hilt protrudes from between my second and third ribs. Horrible pressure builds around its metal blade, which is burrowed in my left lung. I try and fail to draw breath. It’s like the assassin has sucked the air out of me.

amI’m in shock. Can one be in shock in a dream? I don’t know. There should be an awful lot of pain, and I suppose there is, but my brain can’t process it.

This doesn’t happen in my book.

This doesn’t happen in my book.The foolish thought flashes through my mind. My dream wasn’t following the flow of my novel, anyway—now it’s gone completely off the rails. Fear crowds my senses, blurring my sight. Dormant survival instincts kick in. I want nothing more than to get off this vertiginous carnival ride-gone-wrong.

Blistering heat snaps me to attention. The scent of electricity burns my nostrils as Valen wields a searing fork of voltmagic and incinerates the shadowman.

The assassin’s smoking corpse collapses at my feet, but his dagger remains lodged in my flesh. I sway on the spot and my knees buckle. My body crumples to the dirt, landing in such a way that I’m left staring into the shadowman’s inert, empty face.

I’m cold. How much blood have I lost? None, because this is a dream. But I have lost blood before, and this reminds me of that: I’m lightheaded, I’m nauseous, I’m in shock. The pain’s catching up to me, hovering at the edges of my spinning mind, but I can’t process it because I’m in shock, I am in shock and I am not having a good time anymore and I want to wake up, even though I hate the real world, I want to wake up—

haveshocknotI want to wake upKyla’s friends surround me, calling for help. Someone yanks the dagger free, pulling the plug on a dam of sensation. Agony roars through me, ripping across my skin, digging claws into my nerves. With every breath I take, it feels like I’ve been stabbed again.

Valen hovers overhead. He presses his hand to my wound, staunching the flow of poisoned blood.

“I want to wake up.” I force the words through breathless lungs, willing my subconscious to listen.

“Our lifemagic healers are on their way,” he whispers. “Stay with me.”

As the poison takes hold, I twitch and writhe. I wait for the telltale lurch that will jolt me back to my boring SoHo apartment, strewn with filthy clothes and week-old takeout containers. My muscles spasm, my spine arcs, yet I remain resolutely trapped in this nightmare.

I try to speak again, but I’m falling into darkness. Losing my grasp on my surroundings, on everything. Oblivion looms, ravenous and infinite, and it no longer feels calm. Now it’s the jaws of a wicked monster closing around me, threatening to swallow me whole.

everythingScreams die in my throat. Terror ignites in my soul. As I sink into the abyss, one final thought flickers through me:

Why am I not waking up?

Why am I not waking up?