Jack And Anna - Back To Winnipeg

Journal 4

So, yeah. Parties suck.

I realize that’s not a sentiment that will endear me to a large portion of the party-going population, but for someone like me, they’re a minefield. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion. And while I managed to come through this one unscathed, Randy wasn’t so lucky.

The thing is, I was Randy not so long ago: struggling to hold down a job or to navigate a college application. Everyone would say, “But you’re so smart! How come you can’t handle this?” And it’s because intelligence is not the factor that determines your success.

wasNeurotypical people speak a language, and if you want to get by in this world – if you want food or a place to sleep – you have to speak that language too. I can already tell what some of you are thinking: “Yeah, Jack, it’s called English.”

Okay, my bad. This one’s on me. I didn’t choose my words with enough precision. Neurotypical people don’t speak a language; they perform it in every interaction. It’s not a language of words but of gestures, posture and timing. And that’s just the surface layer.

speakI’m lucky in that I learned how to navigate those shallow interactions. That’s why my autism went unnoticed for so long. It’s just basic imitation. I know how to inflect and how to stand in a manner that will convey openness or severity.

The deeper layers of the neurotypical language involve an instinctive sense of when to display your allegiance to the group. That used to throw me for a loop. Oh, who am I kidding? It still does! As mentioned in previous entries of The Journal No One Should Read, when I disagree with the group consensus, I usually say so.

The Journal No One Should Read,Anna was always supportive, but there were times when my maverick…ness. My mavericism…What’s the word for “being a maverick?” There were times when my tendency to go my own way irked her.

Here’s the TLDR.

The mental effort of constantly imitating what neurotypical people do instinctively is exhausting and painful. The pain of neglecting your special interests is even worse. Randy doesn’t just want to paint; he needs to do it.

needsI wish his brother could understand that.