Alphas broken mate

The sickening memory of hurting the one you love

Beast

My eyes were drawn to the brutal scar.

A constat reminder of why I left in the first place, why being here right now was bad and why I should find a way to leave before I could hurt him again.

I looked at it as I felt nausea rising in my stomach as my eyes traced each bump of unevenly healed skin.

This was not how a mating scar is supposed to look... It looked like a rogue wolf's bite, but I guess that was befitting because I was nothing more than that…

A wild crazy animal.

What was supposed to be a perfect memory... a happy memory was now covered in the blood of one person I never wanted to hurt.

Why could I not act like a normal wolf?

Why could I not be a normal wolf that can let someone get close to them without going crazy?

Why did my wolf to react like that as we leaned to leave a mating bite?

Sadness and self-disgust hit me, not only cooling my libido, but also making me curl into myself as shame filled my chest. I was not worthy of his kindness, of his care or gentleness he showed me so far. I hurt him physically that night, as alot ripped out his throat, and emotionally not only by reacting like that and ruining a moment he had dreamed of for so long, but leaving as well.

Another bill of nausea started to rise as I felt a wave of emotions hit me as tears threatened to hit my eyes, when I got pulled back out of the stream of self-hatred and shame, when Daniel started to move. He gently unwrapped the bandages he had wrapped my wounded feet in and released a sad sight as he gently examined what I could only guess was almost healed cuts.

"It's healing, slowly but healing, but it still needs a few hours. The cuts are very deep, and your body is too malnourished to heal at its normal speed. I don't think it will scar, but it is still hard to tell."

I could hear him talk, but I did not have it in me to look away from the shameful mark on his neck that felt was burning me from a far and a part of me wanted to move, to hide from it, but I couldn't... no I wouldn't I had to look at it and remember all the hurt I cause... that mess I made. To put a stop to all and any thoughts of staying here, of spending my life with him, of letting myself fell any of the genteel emotions he was offering.

Seeing that bite mark was enough to make me realize that none of my pain mattered. That this was no longer the place for me, the only place an animal like me belonged in was the arena, but most importantly not this pack... not next to Daniel.

I guess he noticed me not reacting to anything he said when he looked up from my feet after he wrapped them up in fresh bandages. And he probably noticed that I was staring at the mark on his neck without blinking, because a second later after he stopped talking, his hand covered the mark, making me almost jump. As his fingers touched the mark, I felt the genteel touch on the matching, much cleaner mark on my neck.

This made me freeze as dots started to connect in my mind.

Over the years, I used to get these ghosts of touches on my mark. A part of me was sure that I was going crazy, but it always felt like warm fingers tracing the mark. I never realized that it was him... that our marks were connected...

In complete shock, my eyes darted to his face, which was dusted in a light blush.

I had never heard that something like this was possible... not that I was ever very interested in it.

In reality, I was sure that our mating bond was strong. That, over the years, with physical distance and no contact at all would have make it weak and easy to break... that he would have found someone to replace me and he was living a happy life.

If I'm honest, that was the only reason I could come up with as to why he came for me - to break our bond so he could live a happy life with someone else... someone who was not as broken as me, who could make him happy... who would not hurt him at every step of the way.

Sure, this idea hurt like hell and I hated it, but I wanted it to be true.

I hoped and begged for it to be true, that he found a way to live a happy life he dreamed of and talked about... that he found a way to forget me. No matter how much this thought alone hurt me, but I hoped that he would have moved on by now.

As sick in my stomach it made me, I hoped he had a happy little family he would talk about in the late nights when my mind would not let me sleep. He would sneak into my room and hold me through the night as he talked about the future he dreamed for us... about our house, kids, cat and a dog we would have. The perfect picket white fence dream future he made for us. At those moments in the quiet darkness of the night I wanted to believe that it was a possibility for those dreams of his to become a reality. And when I messed it all up and ruined any and all chances I had with him, I hoped he would still get to live out his dreams with someone worthy of his love. As nauseating and rage filling of someone else living out those dreams with him was... I still it was a true, that he still had a happy ending after all that I put him through.

But the genteel touch of his fingers on the mark that I felt right now could only mean that I was wrong.

He never let me go.

As happy as it made me in the selfish part of my soul, I knew that it was bad. It made me sure that I had to leave this place the first chance I get because I cannot continue to drag him down to the depths of hell that was me.

I still had no idea why he had come after me after all this time and I was not going to wait around to find out. It was mostly because with ever second that I am here, it is harder and harder to will myself to leave. But no matter what, I need to find a way to get out of here before I taint him anymore. I had hurt him enough to last a few lifetimes.

Air got stuck in my lungs as a new wave of determination filled my chest and I made the mistake of looking up and meeting his gaze that was concentrated not on my face, but on the mark on my neck.

At some point, I must have reached out and touched it when I felt his touch through the mark. The shock on his face told me that he was feeling the same ghostly touch right now as I did just a moment ago and the realization of how strong our connection was probably hit him... but who knows, maybe he already knew it or expected it at least. Daniel was always more knowledgeable... well in all things and I guess the mating bond was no exception.