RED

Chapter 6

Do you know which moment is the worst? When you can’t push a single tear from your eyes because you cried all the warmness from there. It eats you up. It’s under your skin. It holds your throat and you can’t even breath, your lungs are screaming for help but you just can’t take a deep sigh to feel the release. As days are passing by you feel how this new thing in you is roaming through your body how it poisons your soul. And you know you can’t take away the pain with crying.

As you’re sitting on the floor in the company of scotch and cookies you realize; the man whom you held the dearest is gone...

…Six days earlier…

“Don’t go. Sleep with me tonight” Red grabbed her wrist gently when Lizzie wanted to climb out of the bed; his eyes were full of joy but there was a tiny uneasiness too.

She wanted to stay but also she was scared because of it. After she had lost everything Liz felt her heart was like a pincushion; every little needle had left a tiny scar but after this year these little things had become a large ugly scar and she was afraid that if she agreed to the relationship with Red she would have got hurt again.

It was an impossible situation; her heart wanted to stay but her brain screamed for running. This time her rational side won.

“Red…” she wanted to say something smart, something meaningful but in the moment when she had said his name, Red lowered his head and released her wrist. He turned around and put on his bathrobe then walked to the window.

She knew she had hurt him but Liz needed time to think throughout the whole situation. She walked behind him and her hands found the way to his masculine chest and caressed it softly. A minute later he took her hands into his and kissed her palms.

“I can’t do this anymore Lizzie; not like this.” his voice was low; she felt the resonance at his back.

“We agreed…” she whispered but Red interrupted her.

“I know and I thought I’d be able to do this but…” he shook his head and continued with a heavy sigh. “I know it’s selfish to ask you to be with me every moment when it’s possible. But I’m still doing it. You don’t have to answer now but you have to choose, Eliza.”

She released him and walked out of the house without a word.

She couldn’t sleep that night; her wheels ran like a mad machine which lost the control; pros and cons fought against each other. Since they had started this new thing she felt how Red made his way into her heart but she hadn’t dared to listen to these voices.

As the sun turned up to the sky she made her decision.

###

After work she called Dembe and asked him to make an appointment with Red; they agreed that they would meet at that little coffee shop where they usually discussed their cases.

As she turned to the street a small smile appeared on her face and her stomach flipped a bit; Red was leaning against his car and speaking on his phone. She loved his businessman attitude; it was incredibly hot. She parked in front of the street and took a deep breath then a second later Dembe walked to her car and opened the door.

“Good afternoon, Liz” he greeted her politely and she was glad that he finally called her Liz.

“Hi, Dembe” she smiled at him then took a look at Red.

“I’m sorry, this might take a bit longer.” he pointed at Red with his head.

“No problem, I’ll go to the coffee shop.” they started walk toward Redmill who gave a small smile to Liz and stepped toward her…

Then suddenly the car behind him exploded. It was just a moment and everything was so peaceful for a minute and then all she could see was Red…laying unconsciously next to the burning car. All his white cream suit was covered with blood and he didn’t move.

The explosion had taken them aback, both Dembe and Liz fell down but as she realized the happenings she stood up quickly and wanted to run to him but two strong arms stopped her.

“No! Let me go I must help! Let me go” she screamed and cried but Dembe didn’t let her; instead he dragged Liz to her car.

“Go! They’ll kill you as well, go Eliza!” in that moment she had just realized the sound of the guns.

“No, I can’t leave him! PLEASE!” her cries were almost hysterical. It couldn’t…it shouldn’t have ended up like that.

He grabbed her shoulder and forced her to look into his eyes.

“Eliza, you have to go! I promised him to protect you if he…” Dembe swallowed “Please, go! I’ll take care of him.”

And she drove. Liz didn’t know how long she had been circling around the streets, she didn’t even hear when her boss called her on phone. After a while when the shock started to disappear she looked at the mirrors and when she didn’t find anybody who would have followed her, Lizzie went to the place where last time she had been happy. Her mind was numb, only her physical system worked which took her there.

Lizzie opened the door and stepped into the safe house. She didn’t know what time it was, only the darkness told her that it was late. As a well-trained FBI agent she should have looked around the house for searching enemies but the woman with a broken heart navigated her to the liquor cabinet and filled a glass with scotch; not caring with her burning stomach Liz swallowed the whole drink and filled it again until her head felt heavy and all she wanted was sleeping. Sleeping next to him.

Her jelly legs took her to the bedroom where she could still see him; unbuttoning his shirt while he tried to hold the phone to his ear with his shoulder or sitting in the armchair and reading a book.

But the most beautiful moment in this sweet hallucinationwas that when Red took her by her hands and led her to the bed; he undressed her slowly while his loving eyes never left her features. He gave her one of his shirts to put on then Red leaned down and kissed her softly as he lay with her on the bed. She felt how he pressed his strong chest against her back while the caressing hand found the way to her waist and pulled her closer.

“Good night, sweetheart.” he whispered into her ear and she shivered lightly.

“Good night, my love.” she sobbed.

She didn’t think about anything she just slept; she ran to her dreams where he was still there with Liz but her own screams woke her up whenever she intend to tell him that she’d have liked to sleep with him that night and every other night when it’d have been possible.

She could sleep two maybe three hours when the morning lights ran into the room to caress her face; for a brief moment, somewhere between dreaming and reality she thought that his hand touched her cheek. Her eyes snapped open immediately and Liz looked around to find him; but again, she was alone. Alone with her aching heart.

As the realization hit her she wanted to scream, wanted to destroy, to hurt everybody and everything in this world; Liz wanted everyone and everything to feel the pain which took all her breaths away from her lungs, which knotted her belly. But the scariest thing was that Liz wanted to hurt herself; she was the reason why she wouldn’t experience a relationship with him. Her goddamn rationality took away the only stability, the only joy from her life.

Of course she had loved Tom more than anything but what she felt toward Red was different; she was addicted to his touch, to his love…Eliza Kol was literally addicted to him. And not just physically, not anymore. She loved him with all of her heart but she would never be able to tell him now. Yesterday when she had met Red she had wanted to tell him this but destiny had played a sick and twisted game with her heart and it hadn’t let Liz tell him that.

She didn’t want to leave the bed and get ready for work; instead she buried her nose into his pillow and inhaled his scent. Liz didn’t care about her ringing phone; she just turned it off without seeing who called her because right now she was unable to listen to the world’s problem. Her problem meant the world to her.

At around twelve o’clock she had showered to clear her mind but he was everywhere; in every second minute she looked around and waited for him - appearing in the shower or at the door or come from the kitchen.

She blamed herself; if she could have made the right decision that night they wouldn’t have had to meet at the coffee shop and maybe he’d have made lunch for her after a wonderful lovemaking.

The fresh water didn’t give any release; it was just a wet thing on her skin. Was she already depressed or was she mourning for Red? Both feelings were there in her heart because the grief brought depression. That was the reason why she couldn’t enjoy the shower, the foods and drinks anymore.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

She didn’t do anything in the next five days but she wore his shirts all day and watched the security footages of the garden of the safe house where he had been smoking cigars and reading a book or he had been sharing dinner with her.

God was her witness she wanted to cry, she wanted to pull away all of her miserable thoughts and feelings with crying but her eyes were dry; the urge for crying strangled her painfully.

Nothing could take away her pain; slowly she accepted the constant feeling and let it roam through her body and spirit.

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me

In the lonely hours she wondered why on God’s green earth did she admit her love after he was gone? When he had been alive her emotions had been so confusing but now she saw everything ordered; she loved, worshipped and adored him.

“Life is a big, fat irony; I didn’t know how much I love Red till after I lost him forever.” another urge for crying but Lizzie failed again.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

She was sitting on the floor with a glass of scotch and cookies; she stared into the darkness and thought about how sad she really was. Lizzie looked around slowly; this place had been so lovely full of colors but now grey walls stared back, the moonlight lost its magic. However her body refused any movement, her mind made her stand up and Liz walked to the garden. The night was cold; the promise for rain was hanging in the air. Lizzie took deep breaths and let the cold air enter her lungs then she shivered but didn’t care with the goose bumps. Liz had always been afraid of thunder but her melancholy turned this feeling into something dark and strange and Lizzie let herself drown into this.

One, two, three raindrops landed on her cheek and in the next moment she lied on the bed with her face to the window and watched the silent late-autumn thunder; the weather adjusted to her mood.

The only relief which reached her in the past five days was sleeping; in her sleep she wasn’t angry, she wasn’t lonely nor sad; for a few hours she was intrinsically nothing. But looked like tonight she didn’t get this privilege; she closed her eyes but the dreams didn’t come.

She had been lying there for an hour when she heard stealthy noises as somebody closed the front door. She should have been afraid, really, but she wasn’t. She didn’t care if Red’s assassin found her and now he’d end her life too. Lizzie almost thought that she had imagined the noises but then somebody stepped into the bedroom and went closer to her. She felt her heart beating a bit faster than usually but still Liz didn’t move. The murder slowly knelt to the bed and made himself comfortable then his hand reached for her waist.

She inhaled sharply; it was unmistakably his hand. Liz thought she hallucinated but when his sweet and loving scent hit her nose the stifling feeling and the knot in her belly disappeared and she cried loudly; she cried in relief, she cried for him.

“Shhh…sweetheart, please don’t cry. I’m here.” Red hushed her gently as a silent tear left his right eye too.

Lizzie turned around and buried her face into his neck while her hands held on to him tight.

She would never let him go again.