Once, not so long ago,
I was young and had hair.
Now, as quickly as the hair on my head
Disappears
It grows on my back
Why is that?
I used to have friends
Good friends
But they all fell away
Lost touch
Changed address
Round about the time I gave up washing for Lent
Mind you that was
Twelve years ago
And I have not washed since.
When in Rome
Do as the Romans do
Which means
Going round
Pinching bottoms
And speeding along the pavements
On a moped
Or Vesta scooter
Scattering pedestrians
In all directions
When in Rome
Do as the Romans
Eat pasta and dribble
Bolognese sauce down your tie
When in Rome
Go home.
Why do we call it
The United Kingdom
When we are ruled
By a Queen?
Shouldn’t it be called
The United Queendom
Or
Does that sound
Too much
Like a gay
