Chapter 10
1643 Words
Elena
How she is able to forgive Paul so easily is beyond me. “It’s not like he had much of a choice,” she says.
I glare at my best friend. “Oh, he had a choice. No one made him keep it to himself. He could have told me.” I feel my shoulders droop. “I thought he was my friend.”
Rachel sighs and sits next to me on the plastic covered couch. “He is your friend, Elena. He couldn’t say anything because of his loyalty to the club. Paul felt so bad about keeping it from you, but it also wasn’t his place to say anything. He told me that Mike was planning on telling you.”
Rolling my eyes prevails. “Yeah, when was he planning on telling me?” Can she hear the doubt?
Her shoulders shrug as a response.
“I don’t think your dad would like you to stay mad at him, though.” Rachel has some nerve.
I’m standing before comprehending the fact that I’m on my feet. My heart rate just rockets to my ears, I feel myself getting hot. “You don’t know what he would’ve wanted, Rachel.” Her eyes widen at my sudden outburst. “He would want me to stand my ground and move on, yes. But I don’t think he would want me to just be all hunky dory with Michael after everything that’s happened.”
“You’re right,” Rachel whispers. “I’m sorry. I just… don’t think it’s healthy for you to keep all that hate for him inside. You need to let it all out. You’re not really talking to me or Carol about it. You need to talk with someone.” Her eyes cast down at her intertwined fingers. “I’m worried about you. There is so much going on in that head of yours and I just know that you need to get some things off your chest.”
Sighing, I reclaim the spot next to her; the plastic voices beneath me. “I know,” I tell her as I bring her in for a hug. “I know.”
*****
“Elena, please come on in,” Reverend Viper opens his office door wider and gestures to the chair across from his desk. I walk in and am immediately greeted by a subtle cinnamon and apple fragrance. It automatically feels homey.
“Thanks,” I say as emotionless as possible. This isn’t what I want to do, but since that day when Michael -you are mine – Gilbert dropped by and nearly stole the breath from my lungs yet again, I promised both Rachel and Carol that I would talk with someone.
So here I am. In Carol’s church to talk with an unbiased person regarding the crazy turn my life has taken.
The reverend takes his place behind his decent, sized mahogany desk. There is a large white apple computer, a picture of a black labradoodle in a chrome frame looking as happy as can be, and a large calendar beneath his arms where his hands are folded together. There’s also a yellow notepad with a plain white pen to the left of him – I wonder if he plans on taking notes.
“So, Elena. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you; how are you doing?” He asks looking me in the eyes with concerned blue ones.
I start picking away at my index fingernail. “I’ll be okay.” Crap. That sounded rehearsed.
He leans in a little. “I know you will be okay. How are you doing right now?”
I exhale and bite my bottom lip. “I’m not sure.”
“Okay…”
“I appreciate what you said about my father at the funeral, but no offense…I don’t really know you all that well,” I hesitate to say knowing that he’s here to help me – it’s just hard to trust someone that I don’t know after all I went through.
He bobs his head in understanding then leans back in his chair. “What would you like to know?”
“What’s your dog’s name?” I ask looking back at the cute curly dog in the frame. What I really want to know ifs how he knows my dad… but I may need to ease into that some other time.
Viper smiles as only a proud pet parent would. “Oreo. He’s a rescue; had him for about two years now.”
A rescued dog. Anyone who rescues an animal must have a heart of gold…
“You got a family? Kids?”
With a small clench in his jaw, he tells me, “So far it’s just myself and Oreo.”
A silent moment lingers, and I notice a small clock to my right on the wall – it doesn’t seem to be ticking that loudly.
Behind his desk, I notice at the corner of my eye that he tilts his head slightly. “Elena, this is a safe space. Know that you aren’t being rushed into anything; you may leave anytime you want. I am just here to be a listening ear – someone you can just vent to. Anything you say within these walls will be kept here - unless of course - you threaten someone’s life or your own life, then I may have to alert the authorities.”
Shifting my eyes to him I ask, “Everything I say will be confidential?”
He nods his head then adds, “Unless you tell me that you plan on harming either your own life or another’s – yes.”
I let out a sigh and let my head fall back on the chair. He’s a pastor, I’m sure he hears all kinds of stories…
“I feel lost, broken.” Keep it all vague, Elena.
Silence. I bring my head back up and he’s just sitting there, listening to me. He doesn’t ask for me to elaborate; he really is just a listening ear.
“I mean. I feel like I am losing my mind.” My hands grip my thighs. “I have nightmares every night – repeating the way Dad died.”
Viper nods his head, silently asking for me to continue if I so choose.
I make fists out of my hands as I start to feel tears start to prick their way out. “I am so angry all the time. So angry, I could kill somebody,” I cry. “Not that I’m planning to.” I put my hand up. “I’m just that angry. Confused.”
My sights drop to my fingers playing with the material of my jeans. “I never thought it would be possible to hate someone so much. I didn’t realize I had it in me.”
He’s still silent, so I meet his gaze. Viper is listening intently.
“I don’t know how to cope.” I shrug one shoulder. “What do I cope with first? My dad being dead or the fact that I feel like my heart got ripped from my chest and stomped on by the man who I thought loved me back.” Tears are nearly swimming down my face, so I wipe a few away.
Michael told me that he still loves me, but I can’t find it in myself to trust him yet.
Viper’s lips purse in thought, then he slowly nods his head. He still doesn’t respond.
I squeeze my eyes with my hands, trying to will the tears to stop, then drop them and meet Viper’s gaze. “What do I do?” I ask on a whisper feeling defeated.
He clears his throat. “Let’s start with the nightmares.”
I nod and swallow.
“Can you tell me about them?”
No. Yes. Maybe. Gah! Can I trust Reverend Viper? Does he already know? He and Carol seem pretty tight, maybe she told him already. My heart is in my throat, it’s getting hard to breathe. My palms are sweating, and I just want to give up and go home. No one can help me.
“Elena.” His voice is so soft that it’s deafening, I jump a tad in the chair. “Are you alright?”
Is the room spinning? No? It must just be me then.
I gulp and force a stiff nod. I will be okay.
“Take a deep breath,” he says. I try and bring air into my lungs.
“Good. Now slowly breathe out through your nose.” I attempt to follow instructions.
“Good. Do it again. Breathe in.” I do as he says. “Breathe out.”
The thumping in my ears starts to alleviate. “I have a suggestion,” he tells me.
“What?”
“It may help you to write out your feelings and frustrations down on paper. Maybe grab a journal and just let it all out. Sometimes it helps to just let it out in another way other than actually sharing it with someone. You can still come see me if you’d like once a week, you can even just talk to Oreo and I can leave the room if that will help.” A small smile tugs at his lips.
I think about that for a moment. A journal and Oreo. I think I can do that… baby steps. In agreement, I nod my head and stand up.
“Thank you,” I say.
He stands and offers his hand for me, I take it. “You’re welcome, Elena. Remember, this is a safe space.”
“Do you think next week I could try to talk with Oreo?”
He smiles. “Of course. Oreo would love that.”
- Writer
