The Former Mrs. Tan

My Downward Spiral

Within two months after I gave birth to Brian and Brandon, I got myself tangled with the responsibilities of a wife and mother. I kept on getting up in the middle of the night to breast feed the babies.

At first, I liked the idea of breastfeeding because that's what mammals like us should do. However, after a week or two, I realized that it was not for me so I switched to bottle feeding. There were times when I got impatient.

However, Herbert was patient enough with the twins. He, too, would get up in the middle of the night on weekends to feed the babies.

Herbert and his family expected me to be a wife and mother first and foremost. So most of the time, I was responsible with anything that concerns the household --- from menu planning to groceries, to medicines and personal care of the twins. I was forced to learn how to cook very well.

God bless rice cookers, oven toasters, blenders, and microwaves. I bought cookbooks and followed them to the letter until my meals could pass Herbert's taste, at least. But he was not complaining. He understood my struggles.

However, my mother in-law would visit and criticize the way I carry Brian, my choice of house clothes for Brandon, and even my cooking. Sometimes, she would tell me to save money instead of buying new things. She said hand-me-downs and second hand items like strollers and walkers were good enough --- she had a point, but I still resented her criticism.

My parents would visit and put more things into my head: "Always check on Herbert's affairs," "Get yourself a house of your own, and make sure the title should be in your name," "Hire a nanny or a maid," "Look at your eldest sister, she's doing well in America," and "What is this? Why are you letting the twins use hand-me-down strollers?"

Oh, my God! Where will I stand?

"So you felt you were in the middle of two rocks about to squeeze you?" Ana asked as she was about to start her meal.

"I really didn't know where to stand at that time," I said as I sliced the meat on my plate. "I felt like, damned if I do, damned if I don't. I even reached the point that I was..."

"--- unsure of yourself?" she continued.

I nodded. Ana has a good perception that she knows how to finish our sentences. I've always found it one of her remarkable but sometimes annoying traits.

"I think that was the point I started feeling that our marriage was about to go downhill," I said after chewing a bite.