June-6
1987 Words
I did as she bade me and let my mind go free.
“What do you want to do?”
Her question was simple, and I have been too worried about what the queen would think of my decision. I realized that there was no magic in Renée’s question, and no potion to fix the problem. For the first time in my life, it is with great joy that I realized that I simply needed to close my eyes, block out what others wanted me to do, and be free. You would be proud of me for the strength of character I exhibited. For a few moments, I just breathed and cleared my mind, saying the first words that passed through my mind. “I want to have this baby and live in peace.”
Renée pulled her hand away and walked in front of me, sitting down on the chair beside me. “Then what do you want to do?”
I thought for a moment and realized that if I lied, I could tell the queen that the baby was her grandchild, and then she would take me in with open arms and I would be happy in the palace. She would believe me because she wanted an heir to the throne. The prince would know that I did not tell the truth, but perpetuating the lie would be easy for him. His mother would be happy, and he would be free to pursue other activities. I would remain a princess and raise my child to be a noble who would be right and true. Henri would not need to know of my decision, as my relation with my husband is a private affair. He might suspect that he was the father, but he would have no proof and, as I could easily distance myself from him, there would be no problems. I would have my happily ever after, and no one would know. In time, the lie would become the truth, for it would be buried and forgotten.
Fairy Godmother, I realized at that moment as I closed my eyes that my decision would set me on a path from which I could not easily return. I listened to my heart and thought about what decision to make, and I felt a tingling in my left hand, and the moment froze in time. I imagined my future and that of my child’s and how happy we would be together and how simple the path could be. After a moment or two of time to reflect, I opened my eyes and told Renée, “I do not wish to raise this baby at the palace, yet I have nowhere to live.”
I could not lie, as it was not within me to do so and, in my heart, my love for Henri stayed firm. I did not wish to lose him or to live a life in which he did not know the truth and my feelings for him. Yet I had no means to sustain myself or my child.
Renée held me, comforted me, and simply said, “I will help you.”
Her words soothed me and although I had only just met her, I sensed that she could be trusted. I sat with Renée for quite some time, and after I stopped crying, I wiped the tears from my eyes and asked, “What am I to do now?”
Renée stood up and smiled. “Do not be afraid. I can help you, but only to a point.”
I thought about the queen and the prince waiting for me outside. I could sense their frustration as my visit with Renée was probably taking longer than they had expected. Men-at-arms stood at the ready to whisk me away and bring me back to the Château so that I would be secure.
“I do not want to return with them.” I stared at my hands, nervous. “Can you help me?”
“I can help you for some time, but there are some things that you must do on your own. Do you understand?” Renée waited.
“I will face them. I will tell them now. But will you protect me if the queen sends the guards after me?”
Renée started to braid her hair, twisting it up. She quickly finished adjusting her hair and grinned. “No one will harm you.”
I took a deep breath and smelled all the scents in Renée’s home. A mix of emotion washed over me, and I did not know that my senses could be so full. “Where will I stay?” And then another thought crossed my mind, “Can you help me see Henri so that I can talk with him alone?”
Renée nodded. “For now, you can stay with me. We will discuss what you wish to do from here another time. And, as for your Henri, he might come searching for you.”
I gathered myself and told Renée that I was ready. She hugged me and went to the door, opening it. I could see the guards waiting outside. They stepped back as Renée came out. The queen stood there and the prince sat in the carriage, half-asleep.
Step by step I came out of Renée’s home, and a wave of anxiety engulfed me. I folded my hands over my belly and walked past Renée to face the queen. I was surprised to see that she had chosen not to wait in the carriage. The sun, hot and strong, beat down on us, and the air was humid and full.
The queen read the scene well, coming up to me and asking, “What has happened?”
How was I to answer? What words could I use to convince her that my path no longer was with her son? And would God forgive me for the vow I had broken and for the path I was about to take? The good that I had tried to achieve had turned sour and false. All that I had believed had become clouded and cold. My life with the prince had been over and politics would not be why I stayed. I needed to make a choice for myself, and I looked up at the queen and spoke the truth. I do not remember my exact words, but I asked to speak with her and the prince in private.
She dismissed her guards, asking them to keep the townsfolk away. They created a perimeter and blocked traffic from Renée’s home. We had a semblance of privacy. It would be enough for us to talk. The queen rapped on the carriage door, and her son awoke with a start. He gathered himself and came to stand beside his mother.
I looked at the two of them as they came toward me. We would talk in front of Renée’s home. The discussion would be private and would change all of our lives forever. When they stood before me, I curtsied to the queen and she raised her eyebrows at me, wondering.
I felt Renée’s presence beside me and focused on what I would say.
“Your Majesty, I have learned that I am pregnant, yet your son is not the father.”
The prince stumbled back as though hit by a physical blow. The look of disgust on his face said more than he ever could. “Do you speak the truth?”
I nodded at him and then curtsied low to the queen. “Your Majesty, I wish to leave your son and have decided to relinquish my title and forfeit all my rights as his wife.” I then turned to the prince and said, “I am sorry. Whatever I can do to ease your life, I will do, but I must go.”
I finished speaking and turned to go. I do not remember what she said, but the queen reached for my arm and then swung at my face. I could see her rage and the fury there, but I was protected. Time itself seemed to slow, and Renée simply raised her finger and said, “No.”
In mid-swing, the queen’s arm stopped. She was powerless. I could see her about to call for her guards, but she remembered the last time. She could not beat magic. The prince grabbed at his mother’s arm and said, “Let her go. We will finally be free of her.”
The queen struggled for a moment and then let her arm drop to her side. Leaning forward, she spat her words, low and full of rage. “We took you in, elevated you, and you rut like a dog. Is that how you repay our kindness?”
I opened my heart to her. “Your Majesty, I am sorry. Thank you for all that you have done for me. Good-bye.”
I had nothing more that I could say. What words could I use, and what difference would they make? She would remain angry at me, and the prince would do the same. Only because he had not wounded me was he upset, for he realized that his power over me had ended. He had obtained his freedom, in a sense, but I wondered how long it would take him to realize that he could not have children of his own.
The queen, still too angry to think clearly, said, “I do not command you to leave. Stay.”
I stopped and curtsied low. I raised my head to make eye contact with her and replied, “Thank you for all you have done for me. Good-bye.”
Renée took hold of my hand and faced the queen. “Your Majesty, it is time for you to go. Our paths diverge here. Let her go.”
She clenched her fists, and her face and neck appeared spotted with color. Her anger was fierce and strong. The prince turned away and pulled at his mother. He saw no reason to stay. For a moment, the queen faced Renée and then backed away. She said nothing else, but the prince continued to direct her to the carriage. He said some words to her, and his mother laughed. At the clap of her hands, her guards came back and one helped her into the carriage. In moments they were gone, and I stood beside Renée, free.
It is late at night, and as I write this I wonder what will become of the first book of my diary that is back at the Château. I spoke to Renée about my concerns, and she said that she would help me retrieve it. I do not know how, but I trust her. It has been a long day. I have had a good dinner, a bit spicy, and now I am to rest. In the morning, I will talk with Renée about my future and decide where I will go next. I am free, yet I am also frightened. And in my mind, I think of Henri. I wish to see him and tell him the news and express my love for him without fear and without reserve. I wish to be a bright star that shines forth in the night and, together, we will be steady and at peace. Such is my wish. Good night.
Dear Cinderella,
The news that you have shared fills me with great joy! I am nearly at your side and I will support and help you so that you can have your child in peace and in happiness.
Go to Henri and tell him of your love. When I arrive, I will assist you both, and your new life will begin. Delay not!
With great fondness,
Your Faerie Godmother
June 18
Dear Fairy Godmother,
Thank you for your letter. I have much to tell you! Today I woke up in a small bed filled with straw, and I looked out the window at the sun and just smiled. I smelled bread baking in the kitchen and freshly brewed coffee. I talked with Renée this morning, and she told me to relax and take my time in getting up. She also gave me a gift—the book that I wrote last night’s entry in and now I am writing this one. I have eaten some bread, smeared with lots of cheese, and had some of Renée’s wonderful coffee.
- Writer
