Zane - Confessions of a lycan

Chapter 46

Zane

Shit! Pure panic hit me as my little mate fell unconscious. I hurriedly bundled her up in my arms and ran inside before putting her gently down on the couch in the living room. Her pulse and breathing appeared normal. I could hear her heart beating steadily, but her eyes remained closed. Goddamn it! I shouldn´t have coaxed her into searching for her wolf. This was all my fault.

“Wildflower, please wake up. Common baby.” I chanted as I stood on one knee beside her, caressing her cheek.

“Come back to me..” As I leaned forward and nuzzled her, I felt her tiny hand stroke my hair. “I´m right here, Zane.”

I took some deep breaths, steadying myself. “You scared me half to death, wildflower.” I leaned back a bit and looked down at her as I continued to pet her everywhere I could. She gave me a tired smile but looked genuinely happy.

“I can hardly believe that worked! She finally came forward!” She exclaimed, smiling like a goddamn Cheshire cat, making it impossible for me not to give her a smile in return. “That she did, my love. And I think it´s fair to say that she is all wildcat.” I teased, earning myself a low growl. I chuckled at her. She´s fu*king adorable.

I supported her as she tried to sit up. “Careful so you don't get light-headed." “I feel perfectly fine, I promise.”

Not entirely convinced, I sat down close to her and put my arm around her shoulders. "Shall I get you something, wildflower? Water perhaps?" “Water sounds nice, thank you.”

I handed over the water when I came back from the kitchen and sat down on the table in front of her. She was taking her time and seemed to be deep in thought. When she had finished and put the watercup away, she looked at me tentatively, questioningly.

“What did she mean, Zane, when she said you have to be honest about your past?”

Fu*king hell… I knew I had to be honest. I have known it all along, but that fact didn´t make it any easier.

"I was a different man once upon a time, Lily. I've wanted to tell you, but honestly, I have been so damn scared. Scared that you'd think less of me, that you wouldn't want to be with me anymore because of what I did." I said as I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. She looked so damn vulnerable that I didn't want to put more burden on her either.

"There's nothing you can't tell me, Zane. I know you have a past. It doesn't bother me, not anymore. I know you spent the last 87 years alone. Not only without other women in your life, but also without Cassian. He is your other half. Without each other, I can't imagine anything other than that both of you have been in deep sorrow because of it. You've been punished enough for your past.

I'm not going to add more weight to that burden, I promise.” My wildflower vowed while she slipped her petite hands into mine.

She looked at me with undisguised honesty, love and acceptance, which made my heart grow even more for this wonderful woman in front of me.

I took a deep breath, inhaling her wonderful scent of wildflowers. "I want to start by saying that I meant every word when I said that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, the only woman I have ever loved. However, I have made mistakes, hurt people around me because of my own selfishness. But I can only hope that the people I hurt found their own happiness after everything was said and done.” I started to confess as I studied her facial expressions intently. I continued stroking her hands that were still in my grip, the movement calming me somewhat. She didn't say anything, just patiently waited for me to continue.

“87 years ago I was 25 years old. Our father already had our whole life mapped out. It was all about power and influence, nothing more, nothing less. Even as a boy, I tried to break free but was quickly put back in line. He abhorred the sacred matebond given by the goddess and considered it something meant for the lower classes. I did everything to earn his disapproval. I fought, drank and partied as hard as I could. I never showed myself at the finer parties and banquets but kept to what our father considered unsophisticated and inferior were-wolves and vampires. Anyway, one night I had agreed to go to a party at another young Lycan's house...” Goddess, I didn´t want to confess this part. No one wanted to hear about past conquests, and I knew this bit would hurt.

My first mate ran out crying and rejected me for fu*ks sake.

“It´s okay Zane. Just rip the band aid off.” She said, giving me a weak smile. I nodded before gathering the courage to keep telling my story. “I drank too much and ended up in bed with, uhm, two women, when the door opened. I heard someone crying and when I regained my senses, I realized it was my mate standing at the door. I jumped out of bed and ran after her. But when I caught up with her, she rejected me.” After my confession, Lily looked completely stunned. No stifling tears or outbursts, just dumbfounded.

I didn't know what scared me the most, to be honest.

Several eternally long moments passed while Lily seemed to be deliberating with herself. “For the love of Selene, say something!?” My outburst seemed to snap her out of whatever thoughts she was caught up in and she looked at me wide-eyed.

"I'm sorry, but I was just thinking about something I read in the library." "What?! Here I am confessing my darkest, most shameful secret and you start thinking about some romance novel?” I was completely taken aback. The fu*k!

She looked at my slack-jawed expression and giggled. Yes, fu*king GIGGLED!

“Calm your horses, Zane. I used to sneak into the library at night when no one was looking and I probably read most of the books there. Above all, I love history. Werewolves see matebonds as something extremely sacred and we have many books on the subject. It says that not all werewolves are assigned a mate, because the goddess believes that only those worthy of one should be assigned one.” “Your point?” I asked, confused about what she´s getting at.

“My point is that you were not only given one but two mates, Zane. That makes you worthy in the eyes of the Goddess. I was studying you while you were talking. Your eyes shone with a self-loathing that I want to erase. Yes, you made mistakes, hurtful ones. But they don´t make you a bad person. You were..are a good man. A good man who was lost in his own pain and confusion, who was aimless in life without knowing how to get out of a situation you didn't want to be a part of. You, baby is worthy and I love you, always.” She said with so much affection in her angelic voice that I could feel my emotions getting the better of me.

I pulled her against me before capturing her lovely mouth in a fiery kiss. I lifted her up so that she straddled me before I turned and sat down on the couch. Once I pulled back, we were both out of breath. With my hand still tangled in her hair, I looked at her with all the love and wonder I felt for her. “I love you so fu*king much wildflower.” I said as I leaned my head against hers.

That she came into my life was nothing short of a miracle.

***

Lily

Hundreds of different conflicting emotions raced through my mind as I straddled Zane's lap. Hearing about not just one but two women he had been with made me want to bite their heads off. But that was ages ago and it was before me.

I had no right to feel possessive rage about it. I understood Zane's need to escape, to rebel. The gods should know that I wanted to set our whole packland on fire at home when I was angry at life.

Although I also felt sorry for his first mate, who was subjected to seeing what she saw. I was jealous 87 years after it happened.

What terrible things must she have felt at that moment? Sure, faith can be cruel. But I also believed in karma and that there was light at the end of the tunnel for those who suffered. The question was; who was she, his first mate? If she was a good person, shouldn't she have been helped to happiness by now? Found her own second chance mate? And if she hadn't been given a second chance, why had the moon goddess paired her with someone she couldn't accept, let alone forgive, to begin with? Didn't Selene find her worthy of one?

Zane nuzzled me, kissing my marking spot sweetly as he caressed my back. I could feel his relief, the weight lifted from his shoulders by my acceptance. How could he think I wouldn't? “Zane, can I ask you a question?”

“You can ask me anything, baby.” “Well, your first mate. Who was she? Did she ever get a second chance mate?” Zane pulled back, his jaws tensing as he went back to a subject he probably rather swept under the rug. But some things needed to be aired out like a bad spirit. He sighted before looking back up at me. “Not that I know of. Why?”

"Well, from what I know, the Moon Goddess isn't cruel. She wants her proteges well. It makes me wonder…” Faith can be a tricky thing. What did the Moon Goddess know? “Wonder what, wildflower?”

“It makes me wonder if Selene knew your first mate was going to reject you beforehand.” Ugh, just saying the word first mate put a bad taste in my mouth. “Why the hell would she ever do such a thing?” Zane asked with a flabbergasted expression on his handsome face. “The phenomenon isn`t entirely unusual. In the books, there are several accounts where someone met their mate and was rejected and then went on a journey or made other choices in life that led them on new paths. Paths that they would never have ended up on if the rejection hadn't happened, and on that path, they met their true mate. The one they were meant to be with from the very beginning.” I explained. “That sounds like an elaborate conspiracy theory.” Zane said, but by the looks of him he thought thoroughly about what I had just said. "If what you read in the books is true, Selene wanted to set me on a new path. Because the path I was on would never lead me to you.” His eyebrows furrowed and he looked like he was in pain as he said it.

"Kind of like that, yeah. That event made you leave the capital and venture out into the US. That was the path that led you to helping werewolf packs, which then led to saving me. Had that incident not happened, we might never have met."

"It sounds crazy as hell. But I think you might be right, I fu*king hope you are right." Zane exclaimed.

"What convinced you?" "Well, your theory would line up with something Damien said when I told him what happened."

"What did Damien say?" I asked, curious. "According to Damien, the she-wolf who rejected me is apparently a power-hungry bit*h." Well there you have it...